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Codependence

Old 12-29-2012, 06:14 AM
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Codependence

I want to get right to the point on this subject. I've been sober since Nov. My wife continues to drink, not all the time, but she does get drunk and starts bringing up all of the past events and pain I've caused her. I still manage to stay sober throughout the experience. Last night I came home from the gym and she was wasted. She drove to the store to by more wine. Then she gets home stays in the room drinking then comes out and is demanding I take a drug and alcohol test. I first reaction at that point was, you're not in the right mind set to ask me to do anything of that nature considering you are wasted and this is some emotional outburst of your level of codependency. If my wife would have it, I would have bells and every tracking device attached to me whenever I leave the house. She does not understand the pain she puts herself in by doing that. I've mentioned to her several times that recovery is an independent thing. I can't make her life better by my being sober. She has to do that for herself. I told her that if she wants to start random pee testing then she would have to also. She refused, so I refused and she left for her moms house upset. It's really crazy because the month of December has been great. My thoughts tell me maybe she is starting a fight so she can hang out with friends and drink on New Years, knowing I can't. Just puzzled by the timing of it all.
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Old 12-29-2012, 08:40 AM
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There is nothing we can do to control the actions of others. Nor anything anyone can do to control the actions of you. We can, and the codependent do, allow the actions of other to negatively affect us. But only so much as we allow it.

That said, no matter how diligent you try to be in not controlling nor being controlled, the actions of other DO affect us. It can be very frustrating and scary trying to navigate in a relationship where there are attempts at control, both physical and emotional. More difficult still to stay the course and do the right thing, not responding in anger nor hurt, but simply accepting that others are the way they are, all you can control are your actions and responses.

Your wife is surely threatened by your sobriety. It threatens her drunken bouts. She's likely going to do her best to sabotage your sobriety so long as she feels threatened, or that through her actions she can influence yours.

Her insecurities about you and your actions are her problem. Don't allow them to negatively affect you. Easier said than done, I know! I've been tracked, followed, monitored, searched questioned, and doubted in pretty much every method imaginable by my mate. I've come to realize that all stems from his insecurities and attempts to control. It's emotionally manipulative and if you allow it to affect you will have serious repercussions on both of you, and likely leads to a dissolution of you relationship. Trust will fade, and pretty soon so will willingness to invest in the relationship.

Well, that's my take on the timing of things, and the effect it may have, if you allow it to continue. Point being, you do the right thing. Remember to separate yourself from her attempts to control. I suspect you regard her as the codependent one in your relationship, but really, she's the controller, you are the one who is codependent. Something to consider, anyway.
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Old 12-29-2012, 02:32 PM
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Wow! That's something I never thought of. I'm the codependent one! Sitting here thinking about it and you may have hit the nail on the head. Thank you for your response. Terrific information. My wife is so far gone at this point that she is wanting to drop me off at my meetings. Just mind blowing.
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