Mandy0614

I found this forum when I did a search for "my boyfriend is an alchoholic" and am truely greatful. I went to the doctor the other day and we started discussing my stress level and what could be causing it and I broke down started to cry and she told me I should look into Alanon meetings. It was something I had never heard of before but after reading some of the posts on here I think it is something that I am going to try. But how is that fair that he is the alchoholic and I have to go to meetings? I have begged, pleaded, threatened to get him forced into rehab..nothing helps. Everyday I have a different drunk on my hands and only time will tell who he is that night.
He told me last week that the most important thing in his life right now is the alchohol..not our son, not me..the alchohol. He wasnt even drinking when he said it either thats what really bothered me about it. I hate that you never know what person you are going to be dealing with that night. Is he going to be the drunk who is "sorry for ever hurting you" or the drunk who calls you every name they can think of and says its "your fault" he drinks because if it werent for me he would be happy.
Last night after I left his house (thankfully we dont live together) he called me over a 100 times drunkenly rambling on an on about how im such an f'ing b**ch that if i were there he would bash my skull in. How he was going to send nude pictures of me to all of my friends and family to teach me a lesson. What lesson is that? That you snuck in the bathroom while I was showering and you were drunk and took pictures of me? How you refuse to delete them because they are "evidence Im a wh**e." He ended up calling my mom and saying rude things to her which got me asked to leave my house for the rest of the night because he is causing problems and she doesnt need that drama in her life. Hes drunk, immature, and somehow its my fault.
Sorry this seems like im rambling but after no sleep last night and probably none tonight because the phone calls have already started, I cant think straight.

coraltint

sorry you're going thru this, Mandy, but it's good that you reached out here.

ya it sounds like you have a real one on your hands...

don't think of Alanon as a penalty you have to endure even though he's the one who's messed up. it is a really helpful tool for YOU. you need help to deal with this unpredictable drunk you have in your life. the people in Alanon have tons of experience with just that. they know exactly what you're dealing with & can help you. please give it a shot.

and keep coming back here

Mandy0614

I am embarrassed to tell people what is happening because of how they are going to see me. Who puts up with this stuff? I feel like I am just as much of an addict as he is because I stay and put up with it. When is enough, enough? I really hope these alanon meetings are helpful, maybe I will finally have to the courage to leave.

Nhfl

Hi, I am so sorry for your situation. I can relate to feeling like having to go to meetings when it's not you that has a problem feels unfair.
I have to admit that I have not been to any yet and just recently found this site. It has tremendously helped me just to know that I am not alone, and I can release my feelings.

My situation is a little different since my husband is addicted to crack. But I will tell you from a long time of dealing with this and reading about addiction I feel like there are 2 major and very important things you have to come to terms with:
1- you have to take care of your SELF
2- you can not change an addict. You can't treaten enought, you can't love enought, or anything else to make then quit their addiction.
Sounds like he is not even ready or willing to accept responsibility.
Until he is willing to get help he will continue to blame you. Please no matter what he says that you do or don't do has nothing to do with his addiction.

Hang in there and take care of yourself

Mandy0614

Thank you.

Confetti

For starters...

Turn the phone off! Or take it off the hook, unplug it, whatever happens to work to make it quit ringing. You don't need to listen to nasty things. It won't put you in a better state of mind and talking to him when he's been drinking is definitely not going to solve any of life's problems.

I haven't been to alanon, but many here find it very helpful. When I first arrived here, many suggested to read 'codependent no more' by melody Beattie. If you are a reader, it may help you out....I know that it helped me immensely! Stick around here...read lots of posts and all those stickies at the top. I have found that Just hanging around the forum is helpful too. It's nice to know that other people "get it"

Look after yourself. You are a strong and amazing person....don't let his alcoholism suck the joy out of you.

LoveMeNow

Along with alanon, I would highly recommend reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It will help you answer your own question - "Who puts up with this stuff?

Also, Alanon is for anyone who has been affected by someone's elses drinking. It's for you, not him and you are worth it.

He is telling you who is, believe him!! I hope you shut your phone off and get some rest.

FeelingGreat

Hi Mandy - he sounds like a nightmare, but at least he has been honest with you. The booze comes first. Final.
All you can do for now is look after yourself and your precious boy. On a practical level, you may have to start taking precautions with where you live like changing the locks, talking to your local police about his threats, possibly seeking legal help to know your rights when protecting yourself and your son. Have your close relatives blocked his phone number? He sounds like the type who won't go quietly, but you can prepare for many situations.
Look after yourself, make plans, and prepare. Best wishes.

h00ped

In the meantime before attending your meeting, definitely browse through the threads here, and post as much as you need to. You'll recognize a common theme in the responses from the supportive members here - lots of good advice from folks who've been there. Eye-opening stuff that can build up your courage but also to take care of you. You'll find you're definitely not alone in your experiences. So welcome, and ((hugs))

juliep

I feel for you, I am in a similar situation myself.
You must learn that your bf's priority will always be alcohol and that there is nothing you can do to change that.
Only he can change if he wants too, and it doesnt sound like that is an option at the moment.
You can't alter the situation no matter how hard you try, or want to, SO you must take care of yourself.
That is what Alanon is for - to help YOU
I havent had the courage yet to leave my bf but I have learned that I cant change him so I make sure I live each day of my life as I want to, and I am happy as I can be right now.
Good luck

dollydo

Alanon is for you, for you to get healthy, a group to support you. Unfortunately we codies become as sick as the addict themselves.

He has a progressive disease that has no cure, left untreated it will get worse. He has made it clear that he is not interested in recovery and that booze is his first love...how does that make you feel? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in an abusive relationship and playing second fiddle to alcohol?

Putting all that aside, you have a child who is being exposed to his toxic behavior, he hears and see everything. The time you spend crying, begging and hollering at your ABF, takes away from important time that should be spent parenting your son. A child should never be exposed to addiction and abuse at any level, at any time. Children carry their childhood into adulthood, you are his voice, his future.

Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, which can be accessed at the top of this page, lots of helpful information at your fingertips.

Keep reading, keep posting, it will help.

Hopeworks

Hi Mandy,

First of all: Welcome! You are among friends who understand and I encourage to share your feelings as you will get empathy and if you wish a lot of feedback of how we survived toxic relationships with alcoholics.

I want to encourage you to take action on those pictures that your blackmailing drunk boyfriend is threatening you with.

If he took those pictures when you had a reasonable expectation of privacy such as the shower he would most likely be violating the law if her were to post them publicly. You may even be able to get him arrested if he does not turn them all back over to you. I would call the states attorney's office and talk to an investigator there in your state.

If he is threatening you to post them if you do not do something than this is blackmail and that is illegal as well.

There would also be civil lawsuit potential as well in both cases but you would have to consult an attorney in your state. Most will see you initially for a free consultation.

Do you know where these pictures are stored? Did he download them onto a disc or thumb drive or they are still on his phone? Being the sneaky sort that I have known to be before my own recovery I would wait until he was drunk out of his mind and passed out and retrieve all the pics before leaving a Dear John Photographer letter!

Anyway... just know that I was once in a huge mess with a guy who drank to the point of insanity too and my getting into recovery (alanon, books, counseling) changed my life and that set the stage for him to change his life too.

At first it seems weird that we go to meetings when they are the drunks but you will find that alanon is about living life in the most healthy way in all relationships not just with our alcoholic.

It is a fellowship and we are meant to live in community and that is what makes this forum and alanon so effective ... we share at deeper levels than our superficial society usually provides for these days. And you are sharing with people that have wisdom, knowledge and experience and can help you find your own way out without telling you what to do!

Hang in there... you are on a good path.

StarCat

Bashing your skull in is a serious threat, and one that should be taken to the police. They will take it seriously. I have gone to them with much less and they took me seriously.

The picture, as well, from your description you were in a location where you could expect privacy, so his possession of that picture is also a violation of your privacy, whether or not he shares it, especially since you have requested its deletion and he has refused. You can mention the picture to the police, as well, on its own merit - and then of course there's the additional blackmail.

You are not crazy - he is, he is doing whatever he feels will keep you under his thumb so he can continue his comfortable existence as an alcoholic with you supporting him in his addiction.

Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.

I am glad you found this site, although I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. We have all been hostages to alcoholics at one point or another, and you are not alone.

dandylion

Dear Mandy, he has threatened you. Please take this seriously and protect yourself and your son. I also agree with the suggestions to turn off the phone---along with the other good suggestions you have recieved here.

Do go to alanon asap. No one is going to judge you--just the opposite!. Everyone there has been through similar problems with alcoholics and will give you much love and support.

Please come here and post as often as you need to.

sincerely, dandylion

OhBoy

Believe him when he says alcohol is the most important thing, it is. If something or someone is in the way or not helping an alcoholic to drink, it is of no use to the disease, and the disease is frighteningly progressive. Maybe these are just idle threats now, maybe they will turn into not idle threats. Alanon helped me sort out a lot of the feelings of confusion & chaos & helped me see my part in it & how not to engage the disease. It gave me some peace & clarity to help me make the decisions I needed to.

I had the same thought about it be ME that had to go to the meetings instead of her, but looking at it now, it's unfair that I GET to go & she doesn't (her disease is stopping her)! I have a whole ARMY of support from people just like me who have been through it, she has her hostages (codependents) who can at times feed her some really bad/destructive advice.

Mandy0614

It amazes me that they don't think their actions are effecting other people. It also amazes me how I seem to be the only one that cares whether or not he gets help. His family does nothing to try to get him help. He is 27 lives at home and his parents still pay his bills which leaves him more money to buy alchohol with. Their garage is filled with 40oz bottles and they don't think he has a problem. How can they not see that a man who drinks 50-60 40s a week plus the liquor bottles has a problem. I've talked with them about it and they don't seem to care. His brother and sisters sit there and drink with him on the weekends and think nothing of it. It's really unfortunate that I seem to be the only one who gives a crap. And for how much longer? What happens if I leave?
It's all so frustrating!

Tuffgirl

What will happen if you leave? And you don't need to answer that here - just give this one sentence some real hard thought. What will happen? Chances are high he'll continue down his road of destruction, safe and sound in his parents home. And that is not your fault nor your responsibility. If he wants to self-destruct, that is his choice and right as an adult.

I also think it would be wise to pay close attention to DollyDo's tag line above - don't beat on a wall hoping it'll turn into a window. It won't. And you'll end up with hurt hands and a lot of frustration.

He is being honest with you - believe him. And make your choices based on that, not on what you think he could be if only he'd listen to you and allow you to help him. Listen to his words right now, watch his actions right now, and base your upcoming decisions on that alone.

Peace,
~T