RyanRed

As the title says, but let me explain what I mean. I also hope this too maybe help others. I feel even with my collect sobriety time I am back at square 1, and here's why.

1 years 8 months ago I got sober. Some of you may remember me, and others don't know who I am. On this path of sobriety, let me explain where I have faulted.

Over the course of almost 2 years, I have tackled what some might call extreme things. I first sobered up, and reclaimed my mind (so I thought). After a year of being sober, I then began to focus on my body. I have accomplished that. I should be feeling proud right? I should feel fantastic right? Sadly, I do not. I have completely neglected the single most important thing. I have ignored it, didn't believe in it, and simply felt it was quackery. To be completely honest, its something I am just now realizing is the single most important thing to complete this personal recreation. I have an alcoholic mind, and that will never go away. I thought for awhile there I was doing pretty good, but only to be recently blindsided with a sh*t load of realization of how really f'd up I truly am. I am not super human like I thought. I am merely mortal with a diseased mind. I am now on a journey to find what I have been ignoring for so long. "A Spiritual Experience". Now don't stop reading! I'm not hear to preach to you. Spirituality comes in many many forms. Be it God, Nature, or the Air we breathe. Currently Im still on the hunt to find it.

I now realize I have went about my sobriety completely ass backwards. I should have focused on spirituality FIRST, or at least not ignored it.

You see.. We as alcoholics can physically change, and mentally change all we want, but we are still alcoholics. We will ALWAYS be alcoholics. Its a harsh, and sad reality, but the cold hard truth. Take me for example. Here I am almost 2 years sober, and completely screwed up! What I mean by completely screwed up is, "I STILL think the same damn way when I was a chronic drinker." I never ONCE tried to change how I think. Outside of taking the proper actions to remain sober, I still am in constant battle with my own damn mind! This has created as MEGATON of symptoms like anxiety, depressions, crazy thoughts, and more much. I'm not talking about "pick up a drink" sorta thoughts. I'm talking about MY OWN THOUGHTS just about being alive, and day to day rationalization.

For YEARS most of us drank to solve just about every problem. Stressed out? DRINK! Happy times? DRINK! Take the edge off in the morning? DRINK! Need to be more social? DRINK! Want to laugh harder? DRINK!.. Always drink drink drink! It solved freaking everything.. So why is that such a bad thing? Well come on guys... We wouldn't be here in the first place if it fixed everything, and didn't caused dire repercussions! It simply was a temporary fix, for a our insane way of thinking. Alcohol wasn't the problem. Its our ridiculous way of thinking, our twisted take on life, our mental handicap's, but more simply put its out diseased mind! Alcohol only alleviated the problem, and ultimately made us worse off. We simply were self medicating.

I'm still struggling with the notion that I will be like this forever. It sucks, and its a depressing thought. No one likes to accept the fact they are screwed up for life. NOT ONE OF US! But the truth is, we need too... We need to accept that in order for move forward, and only then will the true healing start.

So heres the good news. We can recondition our mind. We truly can! Our body is more powerful than most of us know. It can be changed! Especially our mind. I don't care if you suffer from chronic depression, 24/7 anxiety, thoughts of depersonalization/derealization, Whatever! We can recondition all these problems. Not mask them, but recondition them. What I mean by masking them is avoiding other temporary solutions to the chronic problem.

So how? How do we do this? How do we reprogram our mind?! HOW HOW HOW!???!!! Well, it wont be easy. I currently believe it within having some sort of spritual experience. I have a hard time believing this myself, but am starting to actually believe it holds the key to all of this. Most of us have some sort of spiritual malady we need to fix. Some simply don't believe in God. Well I believe it doesnt have to come in the form of a GOD. Spirituality is something that can stem from many many things. The key is to find it, and focus our thirst for "temporary" fixes at it. We need to reconnect because currently so many people (like myself) are disconnected. Again, look at me. Almost 2 years sober, completely ignored everything spiritual, and only to stuck with the same FREAKIN BS mind. Sure, I "stopped drinking". Sure, I "got in better shape". But I am still me.. I still have this diseased brain. And guess what?! I took AWAY all the crap that I thought to USED to make me happy. So now what do I have? Me, a twisted alcoholic mind, and no way to tame it! NOT GOOD! Like I said before I recently was just blindsided to really how screwed up this reality is! But I'm strong.. I won't give in. I won't go to a doctors to say, "Hey Doc! Im a recovering alcoholic. My minds messed up! I need help!" Where will that get me? Ill tell you where that will get me. It will get me a prescription for anti anxiety medication, a prescription for some SSRI, and it will get me masking the true problem again. I DO NOT WANT THAT! I did NOT stop drinking to only continue to mask this mind with another socially acceptable habit forming drug.

I'm not going to lie folks. This crap isnt easy. Even after all this sober time, I still have much to work on. I never went to AA. I never read the bigbook. I never did any of that. I simply GOT sober, and that was it. Boy... What a mistake that was. Good news though is I am now realizing my mistakes, and on the hunt too fix the root cause. While I do not believe I will ever be cured, I believe I can regain control - WITH A RECONDITIONED MIND!

A spiritual experience... Im after it....

-Ryan

Jeni26

Wow. What an inspirational post. Thankyou x

IndaMiricale

Well Ryan it is awesome to see you post, its been a long time..

You were one of the very first people to welcome me to the journey..

I had some tough goes at it. I did go to AA from the get go, and still do.. But it took some more drinking a couple times to really surrender. And thats okay, it takes what it takes. And we are always a person in progress...

A couple times I think your being a little to hard on yourself, but thats not for me to really judge. You have grown and learned a ton in the time that you got..

I never had a "god" before , and my Higher Power was alcohol.

Today thanks to the people in the rooms of AA that has changed.. Our HP can be a lot of things as you stated so you will find your spiritual path..

All I do know is sobriety for this drunk, in it I have found a new way of life that truly is awesome.. AA is my life today, because I love it. Its not everyones way . Its up to us to search out all the different options and give them a try..

I just want to say it is very nice to see you back here. .

Lets see what 2013 got in store aye.... One day at a time..

stepping

You are growing Ryan. Physically, emotionally, now spiritually. This is a good thing! Praise yourself! 1 year 8 months that is GREAT but still in reality a short time to become who you ultimately are spose to be. Patience my friend. I think you are doing great. Truly an inspiration! I saw your recent post about needing other sober people to surround yourself with....I realized that too in my last relapse. I also realized I needed AA and to focus on my spiritual well being. These changes have made a HUGE HUGE HUGE difference for me. I am currently living a life I used to long for. My dreams are coming true I hope they do for you as well! And they will if you keep the faith!! Keep posting and I will keep reading.

FreeFall

Ryan, I remember you from when I first joined in July 2011 under a different name. Came back again in July of 2012 and this time it stuck. You were very helpful back then and it's nice to hear you're doing so well. Looking forward to more of your posts. I do think spirituality and connection are really important for any life, addicted or not!

2granddaughters

All the best Ryan.

Bob R

Anna

I was so lucky that somehow, even though I was a mess, I KNEW I needed to reconnect spiritually or recovery would not work. I stalled because I couldn't find a way.

Then I read "The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav, an addict who writes in a gentle, loving and hopeful way. That was the answer for me.

Later, came "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle.

Sapling

I had a friend in AA pass away about six months ago....He died sober with about 20 years...Cancer got him. I was lucky enough to hear him speak one night...Incredible story..But when he came into AA...He didn't believe in anything and used the group as his Higher Power...It was through working the steps...Seeking...That he had his Spiritual experience...He came out of it a different person....With different beliefs...I believed in something....But it took working those steps for me to find out what it was also...It's all in the seeking.

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.

hamabi

This may be the extended version of "Wow, I really am an alcoholic".

Best of luck in your search for change. The evidence of a Spiritual experience is in how altered your basis for living becomes. And that you don't drink again, of course.

Delilah1

Thanks for your post, it was very inspirational. I am always looking for new spiritual motivation. I have found some through books and articles, yoga, hiking.. The great thing about spirituality is that it is a never ending journey. We are always learning and growing.

Xune

Interesting post, thanks for sharing.

I don't happen to see any evidence of a super natural world that I could call 'spiritual', but I do see great benefit in attaining inner peace of the self.

I can't agree with you more regarding having to revolutionize ones life along side staying sober, but I do disagree with your opinion that a 'spiritual' experience or a reconditioning of the mind can cure mental illness such as major depression or bipolar disorder.

Positive thought, meditation, exercise, sleep, healthy diet and a search for inner peace can all help a person deal with mental illness, but unfortunately, the chemical imbalances cannot be cured through such means.

Best of luck in your journey.

CaiHong

I remember you Ryan. Great to see you are still sober and doing well. Totally agree about the spiritual experience.
love
caiHong

Mark75

Enjoy your journey... It's a good one... Not always easy or comfortable, but it is meaningful.

soberlicious

Well...it's all about the journey that's for sure.

I hold no beliefs of the supernatural or "spiritual" per se. I strongly believe in the power of the interconnectness of humankind. I believe in the power of the mind. Since I do not believe in any life after death, I believe in making this life count and count big and in never wasting any opportunity to do good.

I had an awakening...an epiphany...a b*tch slap from reality...whatever you want to call it; I quit and haven't looked back.

Lots of things immediately got better simply because I wasn't drunk all the time. Other things took more time for me to figure out. Still other things will never change and that's ok with me. The important thing for me is, I'm experiencing it all...the good, the bad, and the ugly...fully present. I most definitely do not deal with everything with the utmost grace. Sometimes I can turn things into a real cluster. That doesn't make me defective, that makes me human.

One thing I do know is...I am not diseased. I was once addicted to alcohol. I worked very hard to end that addiction. The rest is about living.

Thanks for sharing Ryan. I hope you find what awakens you.

Hevyn

It's good to see you back, Ryan. You've learned so much on your journey. I believe you can regain control, too. Keep on talking to us.

tomsteve

welocme back,ryan. i dont know iffen yer familiar with the big book of alcoholics anonymous, but it descrbes alcoholism quite a lot like you describe. it has been a program that helped me find that power greater than me to help with all my problems and have a spiritual experience.

2granddaughters

Alcoholics Anonymous says in "How It Works"



"RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided that you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these we balked. We thought that we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power - that One is God. May you find him now.

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.

Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we were willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.

(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.

(c) That God could and would if He were sought."

How it works - Chapter 5, page 58-60 of the Book,
Alcoholics Anonymous
© Alcoholics Anonymous


All the best.

Bob R

Taking5

I call that a "Spiritual Experience".

Welcome back Ryan.

instant

Hey Ryan. We are all works in progress. great post.

Coldfusion

At least you were ever connected in the first place!

As an atheist scientist, I never believed in God. But I had faith in the wisdom of my rehab program, and their advice was to go to AA or NA meetings. That's worked for two months.

Ryan, I left some vitamin advice in the "Anxiety" thread, and have no advice on SSRI's.