Forgiveness...and How?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 4
Forgiveness...and How?
Can someone here teach my "How to Forgive?"
Please tell us....the secret of forgiving a violent, abusive disturbed bullie, who was supposed to be someone's father? A man so F&^%$# in his mind that he couldn't figure out who or what he was doing on planet earth.
Tell me....
Someone who would rather drink and gamble then raise and mentor a child? Someone who rather get drunk at the pub than spend time with his wife? Someone who would get drunk and come home and pull his gun out and shoot holes in the ceiling and scare everyone inside the home? (it gets worse).
So tell me the Secret to forgiving someone like that?
Many of you are married and have new families....you are fortunate. You can focus on raising and having a family the right way. I'm single and struggle with loneliness and when times get tough...you reflect on things of the past.
How can i get my life back....and forgive someone like this?
Please show me how to live and be happy.
Please help me to learn how to forgive.
Please tell us....the secret of forgiving a violent, abusive disturbed bullie, who was supposed to be someone's father? A man so F&^%$# in his mind that he couldn't figure out who or what he was doing on planet earth.
Tell me....
Someone who would rather drink and gamble then raise and mentor a child? Someone who rather get drunk at the pub than spend time with his wife? Someone who would get drunk and come home and pull his gun out and shoot holes in the ceiling and scare everyone inside the home? (it gets worse).
So tell me the Secret to forgiving someone like that?
Many of you are married and have new families....you are fortunate. You can focus on raising and having a family the right way. I'm single and struggle with loneliness and when times get tough...you reflect on things of the past.
How can i get my life back....and forgive someone like this?
Please show me how to live and be happy.
Please help me to learn how to forgive.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 218
We forgive for ourselves not for the other person. We do it because it sets us free. I'm sorry you're so distraught. I read a book years ago titled: You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. It helped me to better understand that people do hurtful things to other people because they are victims themselves in some way. Everyone has a story and not everyone can deal well with their stories. We are all human and we all hurt. Perhaps your forgiveness can come in realizing that and in putting as much distance between you and the abuser as possible. (((Hugs)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Aems 
We forgive for ourselves not for the other person. We do it because it sets us free. I'm sorry you're so distraught. I read a book years ago titled: You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. It helped me to better understand that people do hurtful things to other people because they are victims themselves in some way. Everyone has a story and not everyone can deal well with their stories. We are all human and we all hurt. Perhaps your forgiveness can come in realizing that and in putting as much distance between you and the abuser as possible. (((Hugs)))
Still...i need to learn to forgive.
I've known that forgiveness is a gift to myself...but how do you do it?
I need something to live for...(i guess that's it). I need something else to focus on.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Forgive them for they know not what
they do are words spoken by the
Man upstairs. Words I have spoken
to myself of, of family, friends, neighbors,
parents, those we looked up to, those
we wanted love and care from.
Abuse hurts. And no child should ever
have to go thru so much pain. No Child.
And yet, I was at the hand of a sick parent.
Verbal, physical, emotional abuse, singled
out amongst siblings.
I drank to numb the anger, resentments,
hatred, for the pain I endured. The more
ugly feeling I harbored inside, the more I
drank to numb till it nearly killed me.
We can learn to forgive in a program of
recovery so that we can become healthy,
happy, freer people we deserve to be, but
for me, i can never forget.
Today, 22 yrs sober, I dont have to live
in the past nor associate myself with family
members if I feel sure sickness is still thriving
there. For me, I chose to learn to live a healthy
way of life with a program and Faith to guide
me along the way. In order to remain healthy
and happy, I cant subject myself to people,
places and things that are still sick.
To forgive those who pursecuted me had and
has to be done on a daily bases in order for me
to remain healthy and happy. Taking care of me
in recovery is extremely inportant and will go
to any lengths to remain sober, healthy and happy.
It can be for you too.
they do are words spoken by the
Man upstairs. Words I have spoken
to myself of, of family, friends, neighbors,
parents, those we looked up to, those
we wanted love and care from.
Abuse hurts. And no child should ever
have to go thru so much pain. No Child.
And yet, I was at the hand of a sick parent.
Verbal, physical, emotional abuse, singled
out amongst siblings.
I drank to numb the anger, resentments,
hatred, for the pain I endured. The more
ugly feeling I harbored inside, the more I
drank to numb till it nearly killed me.
We can learn to forgive in a program of
recovery so that we can become healthy,
happy, freer people we deserve to be, but
for me, i can never forget.
Today, 22 yrs sober, I dont have to live
in the past nor associate myself with family
members if I feel sure sickness is still thriving
there. For me, I chose to learn to live a healthy
way of life with a program and Faith to guide
me along the way. In order to remain healthy
and happy, I cant subject myself to people,
places and things that are still sick.
To forgive those who pursecuted me had and
has to be done on a daily bases in order for me
to remain healthy and happy. Taking care of me
in recovery is extremely inportant and will go
to any lengths to remain sober, healthy and happy.
It can be for you too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Sarasota FL
Posts: 281
I actually developed a spiritual belief that helped me with the process...and it isc a process not an event.....just for me anyway. I think its very unique for all of us because our personal family circumstances are different. I have gone to therapy too which has helped.
I wish you the best.
I am in a quandry....how do you forgive the unforgivable? I know i will work it out with help.
I wish you the best.
I am in a quandry....how do you forgive the unforgivable? I know i will work it out with help.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by TonyCC
Dad is dead....he died 14 yrs ago... I've known that forgiveness is a gift to myself...but how do you do it? I need something to live for...(i guess that's it). I need something else to focus on.
But being angry at my Dad, at this point, does not help me. That's what I keep having to remind myself. He's perfectly OK with it, regardless of how I want to feel -- we scattered his ashes in his hometown, down by (and in) the river... so there's no doubt about it; he's gone. Getting back at him by beating myself up is not exactly helpful -- yet I still do it, at least some of the time.
In my case, it's a mixed bag -- my Dad was a raging alcoholic control freak, but he was also a brilliant scientist and an excellent mechanic. He was also extremely loyal to his wife and kids (including me). I tend to dwell on the negatives, which were big -- but how much is that helping me grow and recover? Not much!
This is going to take time. One thing that has helped a lot is sitting down with a sponsor and going through the ACA Workbook -- they knew what they were doing, when they called it a Workbook, because it is a lot of work -- it forces you to write down the stuff that we talk about, that makes up our life and our personality. I went through the book with my sponsor a couple of years ago, and I learned a lot -- but not enough! Time to do more....
T
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
I understand. My Dad was an abusive alcoholic too. Here is a post about forgivenss that many have found useful. My own story is right below it.
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (40 years of lies)
DesertEyes
What helped me with that whole "letting go" concept was to separate "forgiveness" from "absolution". My parents owe me a childhood, but there's no possible way I could ever get that back. Even if my parents had suddenly become saints there's no way to "re-create" a childhood. That is a debt that is impossible to repay. So, like a bank that writes off a loan to a dead-beat as being more expensive to collect than to mark as "unpaid" I have given up on getting my childhood back. It's too expensive to me in terms of resentment and never-ending stess.
What I have _not_ done is "absolve" my parents of the responsibility for their actions. I told my father that if he ever came into the same state as my children I'd call his parole officer _and_ the cops. I went no contact with the whole bunch as they no longer had anything I wanted. They are still responsible, and what they do with that responsibility is up to them and their Higher Power. Both my biological parents have passed away from the disease, as did my uncle and an aunt. Another aunt never found recovery and died from anorexia.
That debt is "unpaid". But my "balance book" is doing just fine beacuse I have built a new life for myself, with a new family.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rgiveness.html
My alcoholic Dad died at 87 after sobering up at 80. I forgave him very early on after a religious experience I had. We were never close and he kept the family as divided as he could. But I didn't have any pains with his passing or since. It really was a relief, and remains so. I feel so free from worrying about what he would do next. He actually died from Alzheimer's. His funeral was pretty big, in his home town and many relatives cried so hard. They never knew he was a physical abuser constant drunk, they just knew his happy party side so that was hard.
I had already lived with many years of forgiving him. So it's fine with me, but still it was a relief. And a relief that now I don't even have to deal with my siblings denial anymore either. But the forgiveness is key. I remember when I forgave my abusive alcoholic Dad and abusive martyr enabling Mom. I was like "oh no I have to forgive him?" I didn't want to and I had every right not to. But I did. For me. It never influenced him one bit, not in the slightest. He never changed for me and drank till he was 83 being abusive and arrested for trying to shoot my Mom.
He went through forced AA lockup and made amends to everyone –but me. He actually blamed me, his fifth child for his life. Yeah right. But I was relatively free from all his abuse and control. I had long ago forgiven him and given him to God to deal with as he wished.
Did I still wish I had a normal family? Sure sometimes. Did I dwell on it? No. It is a discipline to stop dwelling on it. It is a choice. I instead expected his bad behavior and occasionally prayed for him.
My Mom, the eternal enabler, lived to 97 and she was trip to handle. She never admitted to a thing and when cornered by me she would say she was in such poor health and couldn't remember, which was just a blatant lie. She was very healthy till the day she died.
I think forgiving them both really helped ease the guilt. It's never too late to really forgive them. Forgiving is really for you, not them. I don't know if you have or not. I think counseling would be a great help as well. You are not alone.
Reading around here is interesting and helps. I found a this blog "Guess what normal is" Loved the title. Sums up my life growing up perfectly. What worked one day didn't work the next. Heck, what worked one hour didn't work the next.
What did work for me was getting away physically, unconnecting emotionally, forgiving for me spiritually and living my own life. I still saw my parents occasionally but on my terms, not theirs.
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (40 years of lies)
DesertEyes
What helped me with that whole "letting go" concept was to separate "forgiveness" from "absolution". My parents owe me a childhood, but there's no possible way I could ever get that back. Even if my parents had suddenly become saints there's no way to "re-create" a childhood. That is a debt that is impossible to repay. So, like a bank that writes off a loan to a dead-beat as being more expensive to collect than to mark as "unpaid" I have given up on getting my childhood back. It's too expensive to me in terms of resentment and never-ending stess.
What I have _not_ done is "absolve" my parents of the responsibility for their actions. I told my father that if he ever came into the same state as my children I'd call his parole officer _and_ the cops. I went no contact with the whole bunch as they no longer had anything I wanted. They are still responsible, and what they do with that responsibility is up to them and their Higher Power. Both my biological parents have passed away from the disease, as did my uncle and an aunt. Another aunt never found recovery and died from anorexia.
That debt is "unpaid". But my "balance book" is doing just fine beacuse I have built a new life for myself, with a new family.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rgiveness.html
My alcoholic Dad died at 87 after sobering up at 80. I forgave him very early on after a religious experience I had. We were never close and he kept the family as divided as he could. But I didn't have any pains with his passing or since. It really was a relief, and remains so. I feel so free from worrying about what he would do next. He actually died from Alzheimer's. His funeral was pretty big, in his home town and many relatives cried so hard. They never knew he was a physical abuser constant drunk, they just knew his happy party side so that was hard.
I had already lived with many years of forgiving him. So it's fine with me, but still it was a relief. And a relief that now I don't even have to deal with my siblings denial anymore either. But the forgiveness is key. I remember when I forgave my abusive alcoholic Dad and abusive martyr enabling Mom. I was like "oh no I have to forgive him?" I didn't want to and I had every right not to. But I did. For me. It never influenced him one bit, not in the slightest. He never changed for me and drank till he was 83 being abusive and arrested for trying to shoot my Mom.
He went through forced AA lockup and made amends to everyone –but me. He actually blamed me, his fifth child for his life. Yeah right. But I was relatively free from all his abuse and control. I had long ago forgiven him and given him to God to deal with as he wished.
Did I still wish I had a normal family? Sure sometimes. Did I dwell on it? No. It is a discipline to stop dwelling on it. It is a choice. I instead expected his bad behavior and occasionally prayed for him.
My Mom, the eternal enabler, lived to 97 and she was trip to handle. She never admitted to a thing and when cornered by me she would say she was in such poor health and couldn't remember, which was just a blatant lie. She was very healthy till the day she died.
I think forgiving them both really helped ease the guilt. It's never too late to really forgive them. Forgiving is really for you, not them. I don't know if you have or not. I think counseling would be a great help as well. You are not alone.
Reading around here is interesting and helps. I found a this blog "Guess what normal is" Loved the title. Sums up my life growing up perfectly. What worked one day didn't work the next. Heck, what worked one hour didn't work the next.
What did work for me was getting away physically, unconnecting emotionally, forgiving for me spiritually and living my own life. I still saw my parents occasionally but on my terms, not theirs.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 218
Originally Posted by TonyCC
Dad is dead....he died 14 yrs ago. But the pain he left is still here. My mother is alive...and i love her. She did the best she could putting up with him. I guess there is blame to go around for everyone.
Still...i need to learn to forgive.
I've known that forgiveness is a gift to myself...but how do you do it?
I need something to live for...(i guess that's it). I need something else to focus on.
Still...i need to learn to forgive.
I've known that forgiveness is a gift to myself...but how do you do it?
I need something to live for...(i guess that's it). I need something else to focus on.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
TonyCC just by asking the question I think you are miles ahead. A lot of people don't even consider forgiving their offender their entire life. Some rebuff any suggestions adn it takes years. I think you are in a good place. And you have come to the right place. We have all gone through it, some kicking and screaming, me. But in the end it is the only thing that can really heal.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
We have a book thread here
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ood-books.html
and I suggested this one before:
Here is an interesting book that has the steps workbook with it about forgiving guilty parents.
Amazon.com: Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves: Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families (9780830757237): David Stoop: Books
Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves: Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: David Stoop: 9780830757237: Amazon.com: Books
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ood-books.html
and I suggested this one before:
Here is an interesting book that has the steps workbook with it about forgiving guilty parents.
Amazon.com: Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves: Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families (9780830757237): David Stoop: Books
Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves: Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: David Stoop: 9780830757237: Amazon.com: Books
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Honestly, I have forgiven my abusive, drunk mother..over and over again...for the last 60 some years.
I no longer have any forgivness for her, I am done. I am no contact, and moving forward with my life...it was either her or me...I chose me.
I no longer have any forgivness for her, I am done. I am no contact, and moving forward with my life...it was either her or me...I chose me.
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