How Should I Deal With Wife's AA "Requirement?"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 19
How Should I Deal With Wife's AA "Requirement?"
Okay, I'm now just over 2 months sober. In the past I have lied to my wife and family on 3 occasions that I would stop drinking and abusing sleeping aids. However, I always started the closet drinking within a month or so.
This time my wife made it very clear that I would attend AA, get a sponsor, and work the steps or she would demand I leave. I have attended at least one meeting a week since. I have been to 3 different groups looking for one that felt right and safe.
However, I simply have not found the meetings to be helpful. I have found very good and genuine people but the "format", for lack of a better word, just does not speak to me. Therein lies my dilemma.
I hate to waste my time, the group's time, and present a false front to my wife. Do I keep going out of necessity or fear of losing my wife? Do I keep trying different groups until I find one that "clicks" with me? Is there another alternative that I'm missing here?
Thanks in advance for your thoughts and input!
CP
This time my wife made it very clear that I would attend AA, get a sponsor, and work the steps or she would demand I leave. I have attended at least one meeting a week since. I have been to 3 different groups looking for one that felt right and safe.
However, I simply have not found the meetings to be helpful. I have found very good and genuine people but the "format", for lack of a better word, just does not speak to me. Therein lies my dilemma.
I hate to waste my time, the group's time, and present a false front to my wife. Do I keep going out of necessity or fear of losing my wife? Do I keep trying different groups until I find one that "clicks" with me? Is there another alternative that I'm missing here?
Thanks in advance for your thoughts and input!
CP
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Have you tried talking through this with your wife? There are other recovery methods than AA and going to AA for the purpose of pleasing your wife sounds sad to me. I think that recovery is a very personal journey and you need to do what works for you. Hopefully you and your wife can come to an agreement about this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by CowboyPastor 
Okay, I'm now just over 2 months sober. In the past I have lied to my wife and family on 3 occasions that I would stop drinking and abusing sleeping aids. However, I always started the closet drinking within a month or so.
This time my wife made it very clear that I would attend AA, get a sponsor, and work the steps or she would demand I leave. I have attended at least one meeting a week since. I have been to 3 different groups looking for one that felt right and safe.
However, I simply have not found the meetings to be helpful. I have found very good and genuine people but the "format", for lack of a better word, just does not speak to me. Therein lies my dilemma.
I hate to waste my time, the group's time, and present a false front to my wife. Do I keep going out of necessity or fear of losing my wife? Do I keep trying different groups until I find one that "clicks" with me? Is there another alternative that I'm missing here?
Thanks in advance for your thoughts and input!
CP
This time my wife made it very clear that I would attend AA, get a sponsor, and work the steps or she would demand I leave. I have attended at least one meeting a week since. I have been to 3 different groups looking for one that felt right and safe.
However, I simply have not found the meetings to be helpful. I have found very good and genuine people but the "format", for lack of a better word, just does not speak to me. Therein lies my dilemma.
I hate to waste my time, the group's time, and present a false front to my wife. Do I keep going out of necessity or fear of losing my wife? Do I keep trying different groups until I find one that "clicks" with me? Is there another alternative that I'm missing here?
Thanks in advance for your thoughts and input!
CP
i highly doubt ya got a false front to anyone but yourself. if ya want to get sober, no matter what way, yer gonna have to do it for you and you alone and put in the footwork.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 19
Thanks!
Anna: Yeah, I've talked it over with my wife but she is scared (very understandable) that without the structure, I'll be drinking again inside 90 days. Plus, I have one family member who has been sober now 30 years and is an AA poster child. BTW, I mean that with full respect!
tomsteve: Thanks for the encouragement that I'm not wasting anyone's time. It's just that I feel like I'm there under some sort of false pretense. Also, I think that I didn't really make my situation clear. I've actually been to a total of 18 meetings but spread out over 3 different groups. I started attending meetings the third week of October. But even that, I can see where the time I've put in verses the depth of my deceit to my family might be insignificant.
I really appreciate your input.
tomsteve: Thanks for the encouragement that I'm not wasting anyone's time. It's just that I feel like I'm there under some sort of false pretense. Also, I think that I didn't really make my situation clear. I've actually been to a total of 18 meetings but spread out over 3 different groups. I started attending meetings the third week of October. But even that, I can see where the time I've put in verses the depth of my deceit to my family might be insignificant.
I really appreciate your input.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
You haven't mentioned a desire to stop drinking and you seem to be doing what you're doing for someone else. Perhaps AA is not for you or you just aren't done drinking. The BB states that we rarely quit while there's still time. I know I was that way. Maybe read the book and see if you relate. Couldn't hurt.
The meetings are not The Solution. The Steps are.
The meetings are not The Solution. The Steps are.
stepping on my way...
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,079
"""...I haven't sought a sponsor because of my current reluctance. Did the work on the steps really make difference? How so?"""
Hope ya don't mind Sapling...
But, CP
The steps are the basis of the program in AA. If you don't work the steps (to become a better person and live a new life) then; meetings, a sponsor (without your will/understanding of the program..AKA read the Big Book and talk to other members) will not help. You need a higher power as well to make any of this possible.
Three meetings in 3 weeks is hardly enough to make a decision. Patience my friend. You really should be going to many, many more meetings in the beginning. We recommend 90 meetings in 90 days for beginners. It really has to be your priority. If you are willing to get sober you will do absolutely ANYTHING to get there and STAY there. You also do not have to do AA. Explore all recovery methods and find what works for you. Talk to your wife about that like Anna said. Are you doing this for you or your wife?
Hope ya don't mind Sapling...
But, CP
The steps are the basis of the program in AA. If you don't work the steps (to become a better person and live a new life) then; meetings, a sponsor (without your will/understanding of the program..AKA read the Big Book and talk to other members) will not help. You need a higher power as well to make any of this possible.
Three meetings in 3 weeks is hardly enough to make a decision. Patience my friend. You really should be going to many, many more meetings in the beginning. We recommend 90 meetings in 90 days for beginners. It really has to be your priority. If you are willing to get sober you will do absolutely ANYTHING to get there and STAY there. You also do not have to do AA. Explore all recovery methods and find what works for you. Talk to your wife about that like Anna said. Are you doing this for you or your wife?
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
I"m really really new to this, so I can only offer what I've experienced. I was reluctant about AA, I'm not religious (I'm the opposite... completely), I don't like to talk about my feelings or myself, I'm shy. After reading here, I decided to go and just listen. Listen to what everyone sharing was saying, without thinking about what they looked like, how they said it, etc. Just let what they say jump out at me. I'm shocked how every meeting I go to I have heard something that I can relate to and needed to hear.
If it's not for you, then it's not. Find something that will help. Good luck!
If it's not for you, then it's not. Find something that will help. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I kind of get the impression you're not done yet...The best results I've seen in AA were with the hopeless variety...Where people were willing to do whatever it took to save their lives....Like myself. Did the steps make a difference?....They changed me...That's what I needed...Change.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by CowboyPastor
...I haven't sought a sponsor because of my current reluctance. Did the work on the steps really make difference? How so?
Thanks for your time.
Thanks for your time.
heres some of the things that have happened to me:
We can look the world in the eye.
• We can be alone at perfect peace and ease.
• Our fears fall from us.
• We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator.
• We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience.
• The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly.
• We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone -even alcohol.
• For by this time sanity will have returned.
• We will seldom be interested in liquor.
• If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame.
• What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind.
• Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it.
• We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it.
• We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation.
• We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us.
• We are neither cocky nor are we afraid.
we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use.
• Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
On a side note...My ex wife gave me the same ultimatum about 10 years ago...I put in zero effort...I was almost afraid it would work and I wasn't done yet...She left and I kept drinking....To the point it almost killed me and I was broke and unhirable....I had nothing. A brother helped me out and paid for rehab for me...This time I went into AA with the gift of desperation...I was willing to do anything...That was a year and a half ago....I'm getting my life back.
stepping on my way...
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,079
Originally Posted by tomsteve
on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone -even alcohol.
• For by this time sanity will have returned.
• We will seldom be interested in liquor.
• If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame.
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone -even alcohol.
• For by this time sanity will have returned.
• We will seldom be interested in liquor.
• If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame.
Work it! It's worth it! I was a lost cause for a long, long time. I haven't been this happy and at peace in a long, long time! This is the only way of life for me!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by CowboyPastor
Okay, I'm now just over 2 months sober. In the past I have lied to my wife and family on 3 occasions that I would stop drinking and abusing sleeping aids. However, I always started the closet drinking within a month or so.
This time my wife made it very clear that I would attend AA, get a sponsor, and work the steps or she would demand I leave. I have attended at least one meeting a week since. I have been to 3 different groups looking for one that felt right and safe.
However, I simply have not found the meetings to be helpful. I have found very good and genuine people but the "format", for lack of a better word, just does not speak to me. Therein lies my dilemma.
I hate to waste my time, the group's time, and present a false front to my wife. Do I keep going out of necessity or fear of losing my wife? Do I keep trying different groups until I find one that "clicks" with me? Is there another alternative that I'm missing here?
Thanks in advance for your thoughts and input!
CP
This time my wife made it very clear that I would attend AA, get a sponsor, and work the steps or she would demand I leave. I have attended at least one meeting a week since. I have been to 3 different groups looking for one that felt right and safe.
However, I simply have not found the meetings to be helpful. I have found very good and genuine people but the "format", for lack of a better word, just does not speak to me. Therein lies my dilemma.
I hate to waste my time, the group's time, and present a false front to my wife. Do I keep going out of necessity or fear of losing my wife? Do I keep trying different groups until I find one that "clicks" with me? Is there another alternative that I'm missing here?
Thanks in advance for your thoughts and input!
CP
"This time my wife made it very clear that I would attend AA, get a sponsor, and work the steps or she would demand I leave."
Sounds like you've pushed the limit of her endurance.. I only see 2 possible outcomes.
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by mfanch
You haven't mentioned a desire to stop drinking and you seem to be doing what you're doing for someone else. Perhaps AA is not for you or you just aren't done drinking. The BB states that we rarely quit while there's still time. I know I was that way. Maybe read the book and see if you relate. Couldn't hurt.
The meetings are not The Solution. The Steps are.
The meetings are not The Solution. The Steps are.
Good ingredients, blended and combined in just the right amounts at just the right time, makes a splendid satisfying feast. Leave out ingredients or vary the recipe and the fare becomes distasteful or inedible.
The 12 Steps, my H.P., my morning prayer, my sponsor, my home group, my meetings, my 24 hr book, my Big Book, the Slogans, The Traditions, my sponsees etc. all contribute to the feast of recovery for me.
Start leaving ingredients out and my recovery (I) become(s) "distasteful".
All the best.
Bob R
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
OP was talking about "just going to meetings". I was responding to that part of the post. Here are the steps we took which are suggested as a program of recovery.....for me, it's the steps I take, not the meetings I make.
Also, I go to >5/week. I love meetings, but they don't keep me sober. HP does because I practice the steps in all my affairs.
All quotes 1st edition Alcoholics Anonymous
Also, I go to >5/week. I love meetings, but they don't keep me sober. HP does because I practice the steps in all my affairs.
All quotes 1st edition Alcoholics Anonymous
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Just going to AA for fear of losing your wife would be a poor motivator. People who do well in AA come to like AA... very much in fact... Sometimes it takes longer for some to really begin to honestly like it, some never do find that they like it and they leave. Your wife can't make you like AA and you will probably leave anyway if you don't, like it.
But why don't take your wife's ultimatum.... (ultimatums don't work well with alcoholics as a rule... Boundaries is probably a better way to look at it... Her boundary is that you get recovered or she'll leave... and to digress further, she has obviously done her homework, not just that you stop drinking but that you get a sponsor, work the steps, all that)... take her ultimatum and get a sponsor and start working the steps...
Until you've read the book, experienced working in the steps, doing some AA service... you don't know Jack about AA.
So give it a try, make the little woman happy... and then maybe you'll have some clarity... and experience... and... recovered.
Recovery is not just about not drinking... she gets that. Do you?
But why don't take your wife's ultimatum.... (ultimatums don't work well with alcoholics as a rule... Boundaries is probably a better way to look at it... Her boundary is that you get recovered or she'll leave... and to digress further, she has obviously done her homework, not just that you stop drinking but that you get a sponsor, work the steps, all that)... take her ultimatum and get a sponsor and start working the steps...
Until you've read the book, experienced working in the steps, doing some AA service... you don't know Jack about AA.
So give it a try, make the little woman happy... and then maybe you'll have some clarity... and experience... and... recovered.
Recovery is not just about not drinking... she gets that. Do you?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Des Moines IA
Posts: 377
Why not assure her that you don't need to do AA and can stay sober using your own will power and good ideas?
That you've made a solid commitment to her that you will not drink and would like to spend the hours giving her attention rather than listening to people talking about doing things to stay sober you've no inclination to ever do?
While she may look at the poster child as a success, let her know how you view someone who hasn't drank for that long a time, and what you interpret that to mean.
Placing a warm body in meetings to listen to a solution they have no plan to act on is silly. If she insists on some meeting-type involvement for you, there are online meetings of many different programs that you could participate in to keep her comfortable while not leaving the house. It's possible to do some light paperwork or crafts during the time they run.
It's clear you don't feel you fit in currently with people who couldn't simply decide to stop drinking and stay stopped, who may have had family troubles over their drinking and perhaps even lost a marriage because they had no effective solution for their alcoholism. If you do have to continue to go, listen for the earlier parts of the stories before the uglier parts, when people who cared about the alcoholic still half-believed in them.
That you've made a solid commitment to her that you will not drink and would like to spend the hours giving her attention rather than listening to people talking about doing things to stay sober you've no inclination to ever do?
While she may look at the poster child as a success, let her know how you view someone who hasn't drank for that long a time, and what you interpret that to mean.
Placing a warm body in meetings to listen to a solution they have no plan to act on is silly. If she insists on some meeting-type involvement for you, there are online meetings of many different programs that you could participate in to keep her comfortable while not leaving the house. It's possible to do some light paperwork or crafts during the time they run.
It's clear you don't feel you fit in currently with people who couldn't simply decide to stop drinking and stay stopped, who may have had family troubles over their drinking and perhaps even lost a marriage because they had no effective solution for their alcoholism. If you do have to continue to go, listen for the earlier parts of the stories before the uglier parts, when people who cared about the alcoholic still half-believed in them.
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