emeraldsea

All the books say codependency can make you emotionally and physically sick. I hadn't realized how very serious it would get or how long it would last. Since ABF's vanishing act a month ago, it's been unrelenting. The depression, the grief, the nonstop crying, the heart palpitations. I am in the care of good mental health crew, but I am worried.

I came home last week to be with my mother and good friends for Christmas, and I brought my stack of Al Anon literature for comfort. I thought the change of scenery would help. But it hasn't alleviated the suffering.

And in fact, my mom and all my friends have expressed alarm at how bad I seem. I feel guilty for bringing down the holidays. I guess seeing my deterioration through their eyes has made it more real and scary for me. I have lost my appetite and lost weight and I look drawn and tired. I can see that now.

My therapist keeps saying I don't need to keep fighting this pain on my own--that I can relax and seek help for myself in an inpatient setting. If I am not functioning well on my own, I should try something different. I'm a PhD student, so my work is solitary and requires high-level thinking and writing--both of which are not so good in my current state.

I have been hospitalized before--twice for eating disorders--but this feels different somehow. I'm very unsure of how to think about it. I could use some advice.

I am wondering if anyone else has sought inpatient/or more intensive treatment as a result of the fallout of a relationship with an A? When do you decide that the usual treatments--therapy, groups, Al Anon, distractions, friends--just not cut it anymore?

When do you decide that a hospital might make sense for this kind of "collateral damage"?

I know this is not a place for medical advice, but I wonder if anyone has experience with this.

For some reason, this feels like an "insufficient" reason to check into a hospital, but I don't know...thanks for advice.

emeraldsea

I would just add that part of my struggle is that I come here and read such words of inspiration, courage and hope. These words inspire me and I don't want to sell myself or my recovery short....You are all are amazing and remind me that there is a better future, so maybe I should just keep hanging on doing the daily things....but that doesn't seem to work right now.

Jody675

if you feel that some kind of medical care would help then try it. when i was going through the end of my marriage, the death of my mum, and the turmoil of dating i was a complete mess. i too have a job that requires a high level of thinking and accuracy, but it isnt solitary, so the very act of having to function as a normal human does help. so did having to get up and care for my children. but if i didnt have those things, i think i would have had to get medical care to help drag my butt out of the hole that i had tried to bury myself in.

the other option is to make plans with friends and family that make you interact in the world of the living again. one small step at a time and you will start to feel better. it just wont happen over night. be patient and kind to yourself. i always found a good clean up (i.e. spring clean) was therapeutic. it was like throwing out all the old junk that was cluttering my life. come to think about it, i think i need to do that again.

things will get better eventually.

PohsFriend

I think that if you are asking the question then you are probably answering it.

You know whether the current plan has you headed up or down and it sounds like down right now. Maybe inpatient would give you the rest you need so you can pull it back together while others make ure that your health is protected.

There is no shame in needing help.

My definition of sanity is knowing when things are off and having the guts to admit it and get help.

Hang in there... You can probably get some great work done on your dissertation while there :-)

Katiekate

It takes a lot of courage to post what you just posted.

I admire you Emeraldsea.

For many of us this, these relationships wound us to the core of our being.

The kind of wounding that needs a lot of healing.

You do not have to fight this on your own, there is no shame in seeking whatever treatment works, it takes a lot of courage.

I encourage you to continue to try whatever it is that works for you.

Sometimes we just need a break from everything, sometimes we just need to let go and let someone else take care of us.

Finding a place to let go and rest may just be what you need.

You are in my thoughts and paryers. Katie

PS, you are amazing too! xo

fluffyflea

[

Maybe try some anti-depressants for awhile and some therapy.




B][/B]

Recovering2

First of all, don't be too hard on yourself. One month isn't a long time. I really believe it is one day at a time for us as well. Having said that, if you're worried enough to ask, then you've already answered your question. Do you have a Primary Care Provider? I would start there. Make an appointment and get a physical to make sure there isn't something else going on that can be contributing to your symptoms/feelings. Then discussion options for care.
Take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself. You're going to get through this.

redatlanta

If your therapist is suggesting it I would listen to him/her -

Nothing wrong with getting help and healing.

Hugs and take care of yourself!

ShootingStar1

Emeraldsea, I am so sorry that this continues to be such a difficult time for you. I looked back at some of your posts, and it has been many months for you being in emotional distress. You have the pressure of your dissertation and writing block, the stress, postitive at first, of a new love relationship, your BF's alcoholism and detox/rehab, being alone in a foreign country. And then you didn't know where you literally were going to live when you got back, let alone whether you had a functioning RABF or not. And then moving out on your own, and having the repeated and distressing experience of your AHBF disappearing whenever he wanted to. And breaking up with you, but the break-up not being clean and over. And underneath it all, the need to finish your dissertation and begin to make plans for your next career steps.

And now going home to be comforted by family and dear friends, you are getting some reflections from them of how you are doing, and that also can be upsetting.

This is just a huge mountain of stress, and you come to it from a stressful childhood, so that amplifies it.

Sometimes we can let go more when we are finally around people who we know can be depended on to take care of us.

This might be time to put aside all the external stress that you can, and focus on the largest and smallest details of creating a comforting healing environment for yourself. Maybe just don't think about your ABF at all, don't think about your dissertation, or your path after you finish it. Just get down to the care and nurturing of your own soul, all for yourself, just because you need it and you deserve it.

If the hospital is the best place for this, then do it. It will certainly remove all the external stresses and let you rest and recover and maybe begin to get a sturdier grounding on your own emotional health. You've been in a kind repeated emotional hurricane, and a cocoon of caring would be a good place for you to be.

If this works at home with your family and friends and some intensive therapy, then go for it. It may be that the extra structure and support in a hospital will be very beneficial. Right now, you need only caring supportive people in your life; you have exhausted yourself emotionally and physically from all this stress. It is time to put it aside. There is a story sometimes attributed to Buddha: He counseled a follower who was tormented by unhappy thoughts saying: "Acknowledge the thoughts, but don't invite them to tea."

The main thing is that you are lovely, we can all tell that from your posts here on SR, you are deserving, you are gentle, caring, and compassionate. It may be time to find the way to use those qualities to heal yourself.

Whatever you decide, we're all here for you. Many hugs,

ShootingStar1

emeraldsea

thanks everyone.

LifeRecovery

emeraldsea-

I started my recovery with an eating disorder and then met and married a binge drinker during my own recovery. I look at my treatment for my eating disorder as me working on my relationship with myself and that this layer of work has been more about me and my relationship with others.

When I finally started to deal with the alcoholism in my life (about 2.5 years ago) I still had a great mental health support team around me for my own wellbeing.

This has knocked the dust out of the corners of my own recovery. It has forced me to look at places I could not get to with just my eating disorder recovery alone. I have needed it but now that I am capable of feeling (I was not previously) it has felt much bigger then my eating disorder work.

The best thing I did was I made a deal with my therapist (who I trust). I said if at any time you think I need more I will do what you are asking no questions. I needed her to hold that though so I was not stewing about it all the time on top of everything else. That meant treatment, antidepressents....etc. We continue to check in about that at least every three months.

Please feel free to send me a message individually. This part of my recovery has helped to heal the eating disorder stuff further but on the same hand not before it stirred a lot of it up again.

emeraldsea

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses. I may be going into an inpatient psychiatric facility tomorrow for help with the depression and anxiety. I will keep you posted. I guess the lesson is that this stuff really does have an impact on one's health. Somehow I remember thinking when I met him and saw that he had an A problem, that I could handle it? I had no idea what I was getting into.

emeraldsea

i want to write more , but i am not feeling up to it right now. thanks

PohsFriend

Hang in there. I think most of us have had times where we've been overwhelmed and feeling out of control. Seeking help is never wrong.

Sane people realize they are struggling and ask for help. Keep your head up. It's hard to imagine feeling calm and serene again in the midst of the storm but well, I've never grown stronger or wiser from victories, it's usually when life beats me down that I leap forward :-)

Just do the next right thing.

ShootingStar1

It is good to use all the resources that you can. Even if you can suffer on along by your own, if more concentrated and focused attention will get you feeling better sooner and give you a better foundation to keep on healing, then that's the thing to do. You've been through so much in such a short time, you deserve to be taken care of.

As Poh'sFriend said, we've all had tough times, and in the end, what we learn and how we grow from them are what gets us to health and maturity.

It's fine to not want to write alot, though it would be nice to know what you decide tomorrow since we'll all thinking about you and sending hugs your way.

ShootingStar1

Seren

It is actually very good, I think, that you realize you are struggling to such an extent. I am glad to know you will be taking advantage of the resources available to you. Please take good care of yourself! Many warm wishes, hugs, and prayers heading your way...

emeraldsea

Thanks LifeRecovery. I suspect the same dynamic holds for me as well. Growing up with an AF, who later recovered-- I always thought that the alcoholism was in my past. That my current problems were the ones like depression, eating disorders, etc. Now that I see how sucked into RABF's like I got and how I almost threw myself into it despite the red flags, or even because of them, I see that the alcoholism's reach goes straight through to now.

I think if one thing comes out of my relationship with ABF, it will be that it forced me to really deal with this core stuff. The eating disorders--for example, seem like paltry symptoms now. Like the iceberg visible above the sea (to use Titanic's avatar).

Katiekate

((((((((((Emeraldsea)))))))))))))))

You are in my thoughts.

So glad you are taking care of yourself.

Hugs Katie

brokenrose

Hi EmeraldSea, I feel so badly that you are hurting so badly....one person above recommended anti-depressants. I don't know if you have seen any of my threads but I started my story by explaining how my husband (non-alcoholic, pretty much as straight as can be) told me on a random week night he was leaving me bc he was no longer in love with me, and left the marital home that night with a duffel bag and our sleeping 4 year old son in the bed, while I sat in front of the door and cried....(he had an affair and moved in with her) anyways, I was beyond traumatized and my cousins took me to the family doctor and explained the situation, I was now a single mom, living in the same house, and a full-time teacher and he was gone out of the blue, she immediately wrote a prescription for antidepressants just to take the edge off and she wrote a note for me to take a 6 week stress leave......those pills saved my life and so did the time off, I could not function especially around not only my own son but also the beautiful children at school....well the pills kept me calmer, the anxiety at a lower level and my thinking became clearer....once I felt better almost a year later I weaned myself off.....but then, I had to go back on because I was in a relationship with an alcoholic, he too just abandoned me 2months ago, with no warning, the pills help me. Please look after yourself, do whatever it takes to make you feel better and complete your degree. I am praying for us. Hugs.