CentralOhioDad

So, there are two threads going right now: one by BrokenHeartWife where the majority of the responses have been - you need to let him do what he will do, and you keep your side of the street clean. Then you have AbbyL asking about custody, and the responses are: document and keep detailed records of all the bad/hurtful behaviours.

So, here I am - a father of a 2.5 year old -who would love to just completely detach and let my Wife continue her downward spiral and just stand back and be indifferent and live my life as I want. "BUT", I can't quite do that because I have a young life I need to protect, so I end up watching her, somewhat keeping track of how much she drinks, monitoring her behaviour, etc. Hoping that when the time comes, I can obtain primary custody of our son so that she can't muck up his life.

Makes it real hard for me then. Any advice?

If there was not a child involved, I'd just leave her to her own destruction, but I can't do that. And I know she would/will fight with everything she has not to give up any time with our son.

A conundrum.

LaTeeDa

I think the main message is--you can't control the addict. Protecting your child has to come first, and if that involves documenting stuff so that you have proof when you need it, then by all means, do it. That doesn't mean pouring out bottles, or extracting promises, or making deals with the addict.

L

CentralOhioDad

I don't buy booze, I don't make her drinks, I don't depend on her to be able to take care of him once she starts drinking (which is ALWAYS after he goes to bed.) I don't mention drinking to her, I really expect nothing from her - and pretty much get nothing in return! I've stopped fretting about how much she drinks, now I just watch it for documentation purposes. It's a means to an end for me at this point.

Tuffgirl

Yes, and confusing! But here's the difference. One poster is actively setting up a case for a legal battle and trying to protect her children as best she can by limiting custody. That's a time to document, document, document. BHW has a husband who is potentially building himself up to drink again. There is a difference in the situation itself, hence the seemingly contradictory information by other posters.

Your situation is also one where you can't simply wash your hands of it all...you have a young child in the midst and you are responsible for keeping that child safe. You can "monitor" the situation with your child's safety in mind without trying to control your wife's choices. And you may think she'd fight, but because you've not yet been pushed into that corner, it really remains to be seen how she'd react if you walked away with him and fought her for custody and limited visitation in court. And if you chose that route, and posted here for suggestions on the best way to handle that situation, you'd get the same advice as AbbyL.

Staying on our side of the street doesn't mean one particular set of actions that are easy to list with bullet points. It basically means allowing the person the dignity of figuring out this stuff themselves, instead of forcing our version of life down their throats. In BHW's situation, posters are advising her to allow "more to be revealed", as her husband works through this himself. That maybe there are more lessons he needs to learn here. To have patience and not necessarily feel the need to turn "talking head" on him, but let him wrestle with his addicted voice himself.

MsPINKAcres

COD -
for me if I have learned anything in recovery - I have learned the concept of Balance.

I try to apply this concept in all areas of my life ~ recovery, diet, exercise, work, recreation, and any other part ~

I can't do everything for everyone, but my type of personality is not happy being a hermit and not helping & interacting with others ~ Here in lies the balance ~

I had to learn about helping without enabling, being caring without being codependent, being a partner in a relationship without smothering, setting boundaries without building walls ~

For me ~ I had to find what works in protecting myself & those so young that they are unable to protect themselves and use the tools of recovery to balance our way thru life ~ One day at a time ~

Keep searching for what is healthiest for you & your little one ~

pink hugs ~

PippiLngstockng

I totally get the frustration, COD. I would like nothing better than to live ecery day of the remainder of my life completely free from my STBXAH. But with 4 children, I am tied to the umbilical cord with that man in some respects. I have totry to figure ou how to give them time with their father and how to keep them safe. That means trying to keep track of his emotional state and potential alcohol consumption and I don't even live with him anymore. I basically try to read into what little info I have in order to make the safest decisions I can. It makes me feel more intimate with him than ever - all this paying attention to each little clue.

I detest what he has become.

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation, but we all have to put the safety of our children first.

Jazzman

You just stepped into the life boat and you only have one life preserver to throw to two loved ones. You watch the ship continue to sink and at the right time, you'll throw it.

Just plain sucks.

m1k3

I have to agree with the other posters. Just because you give up trying to control doesn't mean you can't document what's happening. They seem like 2 different things to me.

Your friend,

CentralOhioDad

And I agree, they are two different things. It would just be better for all if I could just totally worry about me and not have to play detective and hall monitor. It just keeps me engaged in the disease/rollercoaster/merry-go-round that much more.

But, my son is my life, and his well-being is first and foremost. So, I guess I really don't have any options but to stay 'involved' in her drinking and behaviours until such time as I can assuredly escape with son in tow.

StarCat

Absolutely. Documenting is just writing things down, it's not trying to change anything.

Sort of like the people who do nature documentaries. They record and narrate lions eating baby antelopes and polar bear cubs struggling to survive without their mother, but they don't step in to try and change anything. They document what's going on, and they stay out of it and let nature run its course.

I'm sure it's not always easy, but it's possible to document and yet not try to change anything.

thislonelygirl

I feel your frustration.
You do what is best in the long run. Keeping documents etc if things go south.
Always expect the best but prepare for the worst but I think the frustration the biggest itch is
That it has to be that way. Oh how great it would be NOT to have to detach from someone you love or to keep pictures videos etc on them.
Its a huge pain for us loved ones that our relationships have turned to distrust, to forms of keeping tabs on them, to detaching from the hurt, from feeling this big pain that we arent in healthy loving relationships because theres a big fat bottle wedged between us and them and we dont get them until they get rid of it.
I kept pictures etc on my ah....when he found them all hell broke loose and he couldnt understand why . He felt hurt . Angry etc and he didnt /doesnt understand. In his crazy irrational drunken mind he has to worry about me hurting the family (hurting him) and yet he cant grasp that it is me protecting my family. My kids..myself. he cant grasp what an addict is. .that hes an addict...that im not dealimg with him...im dealing with the addiction and ill protect myself and my kids from the addiction.
Its horrible that we are the janitor. The physchiatrist. The guard to a one person mental asylum. .one where the mentally ill doesnt have to be ...wouldnt be....sober.
I wish you all the best and that the hurt and frustration leaves you....im still working on that myself.