NikNox

Hi folks & Merry Christmas. Haven't posted for a while cos all was quiet in that SD wasn't talking to her mum. 3 weeks ago we heard that she had alcoholic liver disease & only had a year to live if she didn't stop drinking. So, SD broke her 2 month silence & text her mum asking if it was true. Mum text back & said it wasn't, & then said she wanted to see SD before Christmas to take her on a spending spree as she had borrowed money. But, my hubby & I decided to intervene for the first time & told her that she couldnt see SD until she had been to our home to talk about things. At first she got angry & refused, but we stuck to our guns & told her she had to, end of.

She came to our home last Saturday evening. She told us she did have alcoholic liver disease but didn't have to stop drinking (yeah, right). She said she was in counselling to work through her issues before attempting to dry out, but acknowledged the pain & suffering she had caused her daughter. She agreed that conact needed to be built up slowly, & understood that we were only looking out for SD. She said communication would improve between us & her, & we felt the meeting had been positive & looked forward to moving forward. But, she looked very ill - puffy face, yellowy skin & very very skinny & I would guess she's well past alcoholic fatty liver & going towards cirrhosis.

So, Christmas Day today we thought she was bound to call her daughter. She didn't. Not even a text, nothing. My husband asked SD earlier if she wanted to call her mum but she refused stating her mother should want to contact her. It's now nearly 10 pm, and not a word.

I just don't get it & feel so angry.

Momzo

I'm sorry. I guess we can't understand why they do what they do. We have feelings, they don't. They only feel for themselves...very sad.

Hugs to you 💕

Tuffgirl

As a Mom I don't "get it" either. As someone having had experiences with alcoholics now, I understand. It's the addiction, and I know that sounds like an excuse or a pass for lousy behavior, but its not. It simply is the acknowledgement that your SD's Mom is driven by things outside of herself that render her incapable of being what you and I would consider a "good Mother" to be.

Prayers for your family. You are an incredible step-Mom!
Cheers,
~T

NikNox

Thank you both. We do understand its the nature of the disease, but at Christmas? What's made it worse for SD is that mums neighbour has put photos on Facebook of them drinking shots - great! Mum had her son, SD's half brother, with her today (he lives with his dad & the courts awarded her contact this Christmas), so for him it was probably worse as he spent the day with drunk mum at the drunk neighbours. We did tell mum we would call in to see her on Friday (she lives 20 miles away) as we are in the area visiting friends, but SD doesn't want to now& says she hates her mum & never wants to see her again. We will support any decision she makes, but this let down has followed what we thought was a positive move - just goes to show an alcoholic can never, ever be trusted I guess.

thislonelygirl

I am sorry. It seems she is in the belly of addiction. Let go of the anger and pain....she is gravely ill and hopefully regardless she is able to see her daughter at some point.
I know that doesnt seem like much and maybe not the best response from me...I dunno
But if she indeed has alcoholic liver disease given a yr to live and she refuses to quit for her health....the worst is to come. Sadly....her life could come to an end at any point in time even as I write that I cringe.
I would be there for her daughter and confort her and explain that her mother is sick...at this point if she refuses to quit then the most anyone can do for her daughter is to help her heal.
After all in a yr from now who will be left with the pain and burden of her mothers addiction? ...her and she will need from here out all the love and counseling she can get.
I hope my words arent too blunt or upsetting.

NikNox

Your words aren't upsetting, they're the truth. We know that. Whether she has a year left to live or not I don't know. She denied it. Three months ago, after another long period of SD not speaking to her, she made up that she had cancer so SD would speak to her again - emotional blackmail of the worst kind. I don't doubt she has liver disease, she certainly looks as if she has, and I'm damned sure the doctors have told her to quit immediately. But, whether she's got a year, or more, or less I don't know. What i do know is that she has a nearly 14 year old daughter who her father & I love so very very much. That's why this woman's abhorrent treatment of her own flesh and blood kills me.

thislonelygirl

I understand. It would boil my blood too . I couldnt even imagine witnessing that pain in the eyes of a 14 yr old. It must be all emotionally confusing for her.
The best thing to do is to keep her close to let her I know her mother loves her but that she is too sick to rightfully express that love and if possible set up days/times/places where you can control the atmosphere for them to spend time together.
In any circumstances I wouldnt suggest that but given that her mother may very well leave this earth.....her daughter in all her anger now may be sad not to have seen her before hand.
I wish you luck and I hope the best for this young girl... that she finds understanding and happiness but I can see she is fully loved and will have her father and you to help her

NikNox

When she came to our home on Saturday it was the first time we had sat with her & talked. We told her SD was in recovery & that she, as the alcoholic had to accept any boundaries SD felt needed to be in place. She accepted that & agreed, said she knew about recovery & how her illness had damaged her daughter. She apologised to her tearfully & SD accepted it, although you could tell she was reluctant to. We really felt that this was a huge step for mum, & thought that finally we would all move forward in aiding a broken relationship to begin healing. She promised SD she would call on Christmas day, & now we have an angry teenager saying 'why did I let her in?'

I know we cannot change her behaviour but we can supervise any future contact, but I honestly think that it will be a good few months before SD will even speak to her again, if ever.

lovesunandsnow

All I can say is I'm so sorry you'r all dealing with this. I pray that forgiveness comes over th 14 yr old prior to the mum departing this earth. Not to be mean but that will help her so much.

I grew up with a dry physically abusive drunk that didn't care about me at all and if I didn't forgive him prior to me telling him I would never speak to him again I don't know how I would have grown up. I really feel for you all and wish/pray the best outcome in a hard time.

Growth will come and so will more answers to help with the growth.

NikNox

Lovesunandsnow, thank you. We are sorry we're dealing with this too, but patience has completely run out now. SD is adamant she doesn't want to see her mother again, and we cannot force it. To her, not calling her on Christmas Day this year (she didn't bother last year either) is the final nail in the coffin. We opened our house to her on Saturday, listened to her apologies and promises of improvement and just 3 days later she lets her daughter down, yet again. How much does she think her daughter can take! At this moment in time, I honestly don't know if forgiveness is something SD can find as she is so angry with her mum. We certainly won't be inviting her over again! She can ask to come, of course, but I don't see contact between the two of them helping SD at all, because all she'll get is more lies and empty promises. Mum clearly isn't ready to stop drinking and her health is deteriorating, but we all know there is nothing on this earth that we can do to change things. I think that for SD, acceptance is the way forward and preparation for her mum to die unless she dries out. She sees her school counsellor weekly, has done for 14 months, so we will encourage her to speak to her counsellor about this next week when she goes back to school. I don't see what else we can do.