4WWWW

I was wondering how I can get away from thinking about the past 20 years of poor choices and regrets? Im thankful for my last 98 days of sobriety, however, my past is haunting me big time. Im trying to cope and develop positive strategies and I still am fortunate to have a loving family, reasonable health and a good job, but these dont seem to be enough. I hate myself for what I have done in the past and I know my drinking contributed to many poor choices that have impacted my life and my families - past, present and future.

Will these haunt me forever?

Can anyone help me with coping strategies? All I hear from my loved ones and family is that what happened can not be undone - deal with it!

Im extremely anxious and do not want to slide into depression.

SlickRick07

I just started posting here today, but I know how you feel. I feel so much guilt for how my alcohol consumption has affected other people. I became an entirely different person once I started drinking. I regret so much of it. I'm just going to take it one day at a time. I know I can't change the past, but I can change the future. I wish I had better advice for you.

TTBABP

I am interested in the responses you will get. I think so many of us struggle with the same thing. I know I do. One thing you can do is to make amends where you can if you can. If there are wrongs you have done that you can right - do it.

Good luck

4WWWW

Changing the future in positive way is very good, I can do that, I just struggle with the haunting past.

Dee74

I eventually realised I can't change the past - it's closed to me.
But I can change today - I can influence events and I can do good.

After a while that become my focus - I can never forget my past and I don't want to...but it's ceased to be something to beat myself over the head with.

I've changed...and the funny thing is - people noticed...

I wasn't doing it for them, but they noticed just the same...and over time I found people remembered more the good things I did than the bad....and my reputation was good again.

D

member72

The past is just that -the past. However it's amazing how quickly things change for the better when you're on the right path. focus on keeping on that path, the rest will fall into place. merrry christmas and congrats on 3+ months! Awesome.

LaVallette

Welcome. Yeah, same here. The harsh truth is though, that we do have to deal with it, I can't just put it in a box and forget about it. The fortunate thing is, we don't have to deal with it alone. Feel free to vent here, talk things over with a pysch or some other counsellor if that's what you feel you need, join AA if you think it will help.

Big congratulations on 98 days sober too! That's something I have to look forward to (again!!!). There's many options out there to help us deal with ourselves, pick a few and see what happens!

4WWWW

Thanks everyone!

member72

Just another quick thought.. This might seem like a bit of preaching but really try not to dwell too much. Instead learn, make amends when possible and move on. All so often the past seems to be the root of a bad decision which leads to another and so on. keep posting

4WWWW

thanks member72,

I guess Ima dweller, I like the words making amends!

Well said!

freshstart57

I continue to learn to forgive others, and accept myself. A big part of my salvation came from those two skills. I don't have to forgive myself, I can't really because I hold myself to a higher standard, but I can accept that those things happened. I can accept myself.

I can never change those events, but I can accept that they happened and stop twisting my hankie over them. The best I can ever do, is to do right by today. The best I can do now is to make the solemn vow to stay sober and to never drink again. And I can do my best, nothing else will do.

DarrenW

Consider reading "you can heal your life" by Louise Hay

karilynn27

I am approaching a year andhas such a difficult time with this. For me, I had to focus on the moment. No matter what I had done in the past, I did have the choice to change my behavior each and every day. People began to notice. Thank God I'm not who I was yesterday, thank God for who I am today and thank God for who I'll be tomorrow.

LadyinBC

Be careful that you are not trying to get into the poor pity me mode. Which happens when we feel bad and then it becomes all about us again. Yes, you can feel bad, however, you can't change what was done, you can only make amends and move forward. Sometimes there is amends we can't make and we need to learn to live with it.

You have family that loves you, your health, job and the most important thing, sobriety.

member72

Another quick thought. With the holidays upon us, it seems a very tough time for a lot of us in recovery. Maybe it's due to all the family duties or whatever the particular situation. Nonetheless, it seems to stir up a lot of emotions. Remember to keep your cool and use your tools. the next week will be a fond memory.... sober!

renaldo

That is a reassuring sentiment. You are the kindest soul I know Dee. God bless you for all that you do.

Threshold

For me doing a comprehensive (more like exhaustive) step 4 really helped. When I mean exhaustive, I mean that I used workbooks, questions I found online, questions from a wide wide variety of 12 step groups. Wrote and wrote and wrote, made lists, charts, you name it.

THAT is what I needed to do because it was the way patterns in my life and behavior emerged for me. I just couldn't see it any other way, and when I really saw my patterns of behavior and it began to make sense WHY I acted as I did. I could begin to make choices, to catch myself, to forgive myself and learn new ways.

That coupled with communication with others in recovery, via SR, and being diligent about my daily recovery work, spirituality and honesty, have allowed me to learn from and forgive my own past and make better decisions in my present.

I guess my personality couldn't just let some of that go until I knew what it was I was letting go of, but somewhere in the process I DID learn to let go. I learned that I don't have to turn everything inside out and understand it, and write novels over it first. But I only learned that by doing so in the first place.

Zebra1275

Going forward in life, your past is about as helpful as your rear view mirror. Keep focusing on it and you will run off the road at the next curve.

Auvers

Thanks for expressing these thoughts about regrets about past choices. That bothers me quite a lot. Somehow when I consider the past and all the bad turns I made, I still come to the result that everything that occurred, good and bad, had the end result of putting me where I am right now and made me who I am. And I am okay with that. At peace with that. Very, very, very fortunate in so many ways, to look back with regret does not give the present justice.

Minimus

Here is something that helped me a lot. It cut the Gordian Knot of guilt and shame like the sword of Alexander. I only heard it once, in rehab. It struck me at once and has stayed with me ever since.

For the alcoholic, guilt and shame over drinking are symptoms of denial.

Denial? Denial of WHAT? Doesn't the presence of shame and guilt mean one is acknowledging what they have done and taking responsibility for it? Surely it is a good sign, a manifestation of increased awareness and personal honesty, for the alcoholic to experience shame and guilt over drinking!

Not if alcoholism is really and truly a disease like we are told it is. Not if being an alcoholic means being powerless over alcohol and having one's life become unmanageable. If those things are true, as I and many others believe they are true, then guilt and shame are symptoms of denial. It is as though one actually believes they are not an alcoholic but a social drinker who has made some really dumb and morally egregious choices. The unexamined assumption here is that one could and should have known and done better - that one had the choice to do so, and blew it - not once, but many, many times.

Of course, every alcoholic but a true psychopath experiences guilt and shame at the onset of recovery. It is hard to imagine how one could get enough lift to get off the ground without them. But once recovery has begun to take hold, guilt and shame become threats to sobriety. Ironically, many of us slip or relapse into alcohol use precisely because the clarity that attends early sobriety floods and overwhelms us with guilt and shame over "what we have done." This was when I heard the saying that guilt and shame are symptoms of denial of illness and powerlessness. It clicked. It did not, of course, immediately relieve the shame and guilt. Only time and recovery can do that. But the unassailable(to me) logic of the saying helped to keep the feelings in context.

One saying will help one person and not help another. Sometimes a saying that helps one person actually seems to make another person worse. Much, therefore, depends upon the individual's state. What helped me may not do a thing for you. But who can possibly know in advance?

For the alcoholic, guilt and shame over drinking are indications of denial of the problem, alcoholism. An alcoholic eaten up with remorse does not truly, deep down believe they ARE an alcoholic. They think they are a normal or social drinker who did some incredibly stupid and awful things.