PerhapsLove

My AD recently got out of rehab and stayed in a halfway house for 3 weeks. She moved back to the town where her little girl is and to the house she rented a room in a few months back. The guy living there told her one more chance and, of course, she blew it.

He has already thrown her stuff on his lawn and told her to get out. She is sitting in a ball on his couch. She asked me to buy her a ticket back to her ex, a heroin addict. She lied and said she was welcome to go back there. He lives with his parents (he's 42!) and my husband called the father, who told him he did not want her there because he has all he can handle.

I told her I would not pay for the ticket and, of course the begging and pleading started. She won't go to the hospital or a shelter. I feel ok about not paying for the ticket, but it is hard to listen to her beg. I was supposed to pick her up today to see her daughter for Christmas, but now that is down the tubes.

I just need a little reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. I don't know where to turn. The AA hotline said they don't have information except about meetings. The roommate is furious. I don't want her on the streets. I told her she only has a few options because of her choices, but she is rejecting them. Can anyone think of something else I could say to her?

Seren

Perhaps something we said to our stepson....many times.

"We love you! You are a smart man, we know you will figure this out."

dandylion

Dear perhapslove, In my opinion, I do think you are doing the right thing. I have been through the begging routine and I know how hard it is to hold the boundry. Don't let the "mother guilt" get to you. She must face up to the realities of her addiction and consequences of her actions.....if you cushion these for her, she will not have any chance of recovery.

If I were in your shoes I would just tell her the bottom-line truth. "I am not going to enable you any longer" "You can go to the hospital or shelter and get yourself to the next AA meeting---I cannot help you, but they can" (I have had to say these things, myself. Every time I caved in, It backfired and I regretted it).

I hope this is of some help to you.

Hang on to the serenity prayer, mom.

sincerely, dandylion

Fandy

I would worry more about the little girl who was hoping to see her mother today.

If the begging and pleading are bothering you, please remember that this is pure manipulation...turn off your phone. Let her figure it out, she made this bad choice.

PerhapsLove

Fortunately, my granddaughter didn't know a visit was a possibility. Her dad has learned from experience not to get her hopes up.

PerhapsLove

Her roommate/landlord just told me that earlier this morning she took his car (her license is revoked), without his permission. She drove to a liquor store and stole a bottle of vodka. He found the bottle and took it, but she managed to get some in her. I'm not even shocked anymore. This is not the beautiful girl I gave birth to.

Fandy

maybe it would be safest for her to spend the holiday in jail if someone pressed charges. I know you don't want that, but she would be in a secure environment.

PerhapsLove

I used to be resistant to the idea of jail, but I agree with you now. The most likely way to get her there is through probation. She hasn't seen her probation officer and hasn't called since April. Problem is, it's in a different state and they haven't pursued her. Her landlord can't prove anything about the car and the theft. And, unfortunately for him, because of multiple 911 calls the previous time she lived with him, the police threatened to fine him $1000 if he called again.

Recovering2

Sounds like there are a few other options available to her (hospital, shelter), and she is making her own decision to decline those. She could find an AA meeting and ask for help. If she's on the street, it's because she chose that path. I know that's hard to hear, but it's true. So don't feel guilty, she is the one making the decision to not seek help.
No consequence = No change

Fandy

The liquor store could report her for petty theft and you could let them know she has violated her probation?
IDK, it sounds so extreme, but you are in such a difficult position. she's going to do something over this holiday to continue to cause upset for you or worse yet, harm herself. All the rehab in the world won't work with her in this mindset.

Impurrfect

I'm so sorry you're going through this I was homeless for a couple of years, at least, as well as in and out of jail. If anything, it helped me to find my bottom and realize I'd had enough of that life!

BTW, I was actually told I could come home...I just had to quit using. I chose using, thus the streets. Grateful for my family who allowed to me to fall and figure my way back up.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Justfor1

It sounds as if she made a wrong choice right away by choosing that roommate. He has a revoked drivers license & isn't allowed to call the police or else be fined? It would of been better for her to choose a sober living environment with other women.

Bubovski

A truly complex predicament.
What you say or do now will probably not provide any immediate results until your daughter becomes more receptive.
Down the track, and hopefully it isn't too long, your good advice may well bear fruit.
It may sound silly but try and remain as serene as possible.......God bless.

dollydo

Have you considered not talking to her for awhile? She is an addict, they are very resourceful, sometimes we just need to let go, let everything happen as it should.

I am sorry, however, it is all up to her, there is nothing more you can do except turn her over to the HP. Yes, she is no longer the daughter you gave birth to, she is a stranger, in the grips of addiction. Sad, but true.

Focus on your other family members, try not to let her bad behavior ruin your holiday.

PerhapsLove

Sorry, I meant my AD had her license revoked. The roommate/landlord is not an addict. The police told him not to call 911 because he called them many times for my daughter to be taken to the hospital. If anything, HE made a bad choice letting her come back.

PerhapsLove

My husband and I went to dinner with 2 other kids, a son-in-law, and two of our little granddaughters. It was wonderful to have their company, especially since they don't know what has happened. I genuinely enjoyed being with them. I know I can't change my AD's sad life, and I don't want it to change my life. I feel so sorry for her. Every time she seems to be on the right track, she blows it. She asked me today, "How do I stop?" I told her she needs to stay in rehab longer so that she can receive proper treatment. She still doesn't want to go to the hospital. I think the roommate/landlord will let her stay until Wednesday.

Thank you all for your encouragement today. I pray for continued peace and wisdom. You all help so much.

PerhapsLove

Impurrfect, how did you reach the bottom? She has been to jail, lost everything. Every one of her losses would have been enough for me. Two years ago, she had joint custody of her daughter, an apartment in her own name, a car and license, and a good job. Early on, everyone tried to cut her slack, and one by one, she lost it all. She might need to go to jail. I'm kind of naive when it comes to such matters. I worry about her safety in jail, but at least she wouldn't be able to use alcohol or drugs for a year, if they keep her.

Is it possible that she isn't capable anymore of choosing the right road? Have the alcohol and drugs messed up her brain so much that she can't make good choices? She was brilliant, kind and a good person before all of this.

PerhapsLove

Hi Dollydo. I have considered not talking to her, but that is a big source of anxiety for me. I'm afraid she will die and I'll never know. I haven't been offering her advice for a while though, or help of any kind, except for her phone bill. That is more for me than for her, in my eyes.

I am trying to stay out of God's way. I turned her over to Him almost a year ago, and have felt incredible peace. But these crises sometimes set me back a bit. I will enjoy my other kids and granddaughters tomorrow! Thanks for your insight.

PerhapsLove

Thanks, Fandy. I don't think the liquor store even knows she stole it. I don't want her situation to ruin my Christmas. Luckily I have other kids and 7 sweet granddaughters. I will see 4 of them tomorrow, even my AD's little one. There is normalcy if I allow it to exist.

I wish she would get help again, but she is adamant against going to the hospital. She won't have a choice on Wednesday. Her landlord/roommate will force her to leave then. As long as I don't dwell on her vulnerability on the streets, I think I can handle it.

Thanks for your support.

PerhapsLove

Murchovski, one of my sons told me that today. Whatever I do or say isn't going to make an immediate difference for her. She can be on the streets anywhere, if she refuses help. I can't think of that, though. That is one of the places I can't let my brain go. I am hoping if I refuse to help her, she will eventually give up and go to the hospital.