Momzo

It's been 8 days since I kicked AXBF out of my house. He hasn't called or made any type of contact, nor did I. His son is coming over today to get his stuff..his son lived with us a few days a week. Anyway, I feel like his family thinks I'm to blame and it makes me mad. His mom does anything for him and he lies to her..she thinks he's perfect. He's 43 years old and was in rehab once, after his divorce. He still continued to drink and do drugs. Got two DUIs and has no license..his mom had to put his truck in his name. I think that is so wrong. She bails him out of everything. He has no license! And still drinks and drives. Anyway...why do I feel like the messed up one? I think back to how I acted w him and I was always angry w him. I hated his careless behavior. His lies. I tried so hard w him that I sacrificed what I needed. I'm so mad that he don't realize what he's done to me and his kids...and himself.

I guess I just need words or encouragement from you that I shouldn't feel so guilty or that its all my fault. It's my fault for taking him back a year and a half ago when he promised he would change. Then we got engaged last Christmas Eve. It would've been a year being engaged today. I spent the last 6 months contemplating our/my future w him. It didn't look good. I feel more like his mother than his fiancé. I took care of him and his kids. It seemed he had no responsibility but his work. I was scared to marry him thinking I would inherit all his bad stuff...his past and his bad present behavior.

I'm rambling....I'll stop now.

Have a Merry Christmas! 🎅 Xoxoxo. :ghug3

Anon12

Hi Momzo,

I ended my relationship with my XABF six months ago and I can completely relate to the guilt. When I first came on here, people reminded me of the three Cs: you didn't cause his drinking, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Your X sounds similar to mine in that when it came to his work, he prioritised that but our relationship, despite all his claims, sadly wasn't as important. I too felt like his mother but someone on this forum told me that by stopping enabling him I was giving him his dignity back and the chance for him to face up to consequences and change if he wanted to. That made me feel better and put the ball back in his court.

Why do you think his family blame you? Have they said anything? It sounds like his mum is enabling him and perhaps doens't want to face up to the situation? I know I denied it for a long time!

Take care and sending you lots of encouragement - it does get better.

ShootingStar1

Be thankful that your gift this year to yourself is a life free of alcoholism!!!! You are not rambling - you have a story to tell, and you are entitled to tell it, especially here among friends who've been through what you're going through, and understand.

You have a lot of courage, you've got a lot of insight, and now your future is yours to make as happy as you can.

Come here often, and maybe try 6 Alanon meetings, if you haven't already. You don't have to feel guilty about making a good choice for yourself. Those who enable your ABF don't know any better, and their judgment of you is not really relevant.

Take care of yourself, you sound like you're on a very healthy track. Now is the time to figure out what YOU want for YOU, and feel empowered when you do so!

Merry Christmas and a very happy NEW Year to you!

ShootingStar1

dandylion

Dear Momzo, please don't feel guilty. "Guilty" implies that you did something wrong---you didn't!

Alcoholism is a family disease. It is typical for them to blame you in order to avoid feeling guilty themselves. Projecting their uncomfortable feelings onto you. I'll bet he has filled their heads with stories about how "difficult" you are in order to deflect the blame away from himself. In other words, you have been a convenient scapegoat for everyone else. This is such a common situation.

Now that your eyes are more open, it is up to you not to allow yourself to buy into this. You know who you are and what you have been living with---this is the m ost important thing. As you move more into your own recovery and rebuild your self esteem, their opinions with not bother you so much. I found this out by my own experience.

Keep moving forward with your life and healing. His family will soon be complaining about him if they are left to do the "caring" for him.

Momzo---have a merry Christmas and focus on what you have to be thankful for this year.

very sincerely, dandylion

Momzo

Thank you all so much! I was enabling him...didn't realize it until recently. I didn't know the three c's either! I'm going to write that on my white board I have in the kitchen. That way I can read it often 😻

Love to you all!! God bless

m1k3

Momzo, sounds like you are off to a good start. Something that helped me with the guilt was to remember that at that time I did the best I could with what I had.

You friend,

redatlanta

YOu are not to blame. It doesn't matter what his parents think - you have nothing to prove to them and you can't prove anything to them because their enabling is part of the problem - why blame yourself when you can blame someone else?

Momzo

Yes...I did do the best that I could. I had to let go before I ended up in the loony bin!!

Anon12, I feel like his family blames me because they just pushed me aside too. Maybe it's better that way. However, I was close with them...closer than my own family. Not only did I break up wIth him, I had to break up with his family too.

I'm feeling a little lonely...I hate to say. This, but I can't wait until the holidays are over.

I'm suppose to deliver meals tomorrow morning to the elderly...part of me wants to just stay home, but my sane part is saying GO! In order to get out of this funk.... I'm going to make my famous homemade chicken noodle soup tonight...while blasting Xmas music!

God is here for me...sometimes I forget that. I'm very thankful for all He has done for me. I'm also thankful I found you wonderful people!

🎄🎁🎁🎅

Momzo

Ok...his son just came by and got his things...I asked if he or his family are mad at me,he said no and they understand. My AXBF was like this in his past marriage. I'm so sad right now. I guess his dad got an apartment w his friend Cory. His dad told him that he knows we're not getting back together. Why did that make me so sad? I feel like he never loved me. This isn't fair. I'm so sad and mad right now. If he loved me, he would've changed. I guess he didn't love me that much. It's just not fair. Why is there a part of me that wants him to be sad? That's not good for me to feel this way. I thought I was done crying over him...guess not

Tuffgirl

Hon, you gotta let go of this kind of thinking. This isn't about love, nor is it about you as a person. It's about addiction, and he is choosing his addiction right now. You can choose not to take it personally, as if its some reflection on you, because it isn't. Actively using addicts cannot have relationships; they aren't emotionally available to do so. You will always come second to the addiction, and as long as he's actively using, he will go to great lengths to protect the addiction.

Go deliver your meals. That is who you are and something you can feel proud of! Don't worry about his family and what they think right now - chances are high that more will be revealed anyway.

Peace for this holiday, and the new year to come.
~T

thislonelygirl

You did the right thing for you.
Its not a question of him being an imperfect person
It was a question of him being a person who chose to be sick
He could have made you himself his kids exist in his world and be happy
But he chose the drink. You cant have your cake and eat it too.
One can only exist.
Why should you be stressed because he wants to drink...
I applaud you for making that hard choice and marry early Christmas to you.
It seems you gave yourself a great gift of clarity.

Recovering2

It's not about love at all. When they are active in their addiction, they will cross all boundaries to get to their drug. They are incapable of re'ships with anyone, they are in a re'ship with the drug. I mentioned in an earlier post that I was taught that addictive behavior takes place in the mid-brain. Compassion, love, conscious decisions take place in a different part of the brain. Reptiles only have a mid-brain....they don't feel compassion or love. That's what I think of when I think of the active addict, those parts of the brain aren't connecting. So it is not about you.
I would only feel sorry for his family. They are caught up in his addiction. Alcoholism is a "contagious" disease. The alcoholic is sick, and eventually those in his life become sick as well. Headaches, fear, upset stomach, difficulty sleeping, etc. You are free of it. I would agree that you should consider attending AlAnon, it will help support you as your move forward.
Go deliver the meals tomorrow would be my suggestion. Reach out to others, it may help you as well. I hope 2013 is Blessed and Wonderful for you!

Momzo

He's like a boa constrictor....squeezed the life out of me!

I do plan on going to alanon..the hospital nearby has sessions. I was going to wait until after the holidays.

Do you think I should put the rest of his stuff in my garage so I don't have to have contact w him? Or is that immature? I don't want to see him...at least not now.

What makes us fall in love with this type of person? When I met him, I was having a difficult time in my life. Maybe I was vulnerable? Maybe he sensed it? It's weird.

My mom is sad that I'm spending Xmas eve by myself. I kind of want to. I wouldn't want to make others uncomfortable or sad for me. No pity party!!

Anon12

Me too - when you think about the circumstances you were put in, you can be easier on yourself hopefully.

Anon12

I don't think that's immature - if that means he can get to it easily wihtout you having to speak to him then do it. Whatever works for you. It's not immature to look after your needs.

Recovering2

I don't think putting his things in the garage is immature. You have to set your boundaries, and take care of you. He needs to get the message that you are firm about your decision.
Why do we fall in love with an alcoholic? Goooood question. Part of your own recovery will be discovering that answer. That's what this site, AlAnon, or a counselor can be so helpful with (I'm doing all 3 trying to figure out my stuff in all this!). Co-dependency issues are huge in these relationships I've learned.
You've taken the first steps.....you're on your way back to you.

m1k3

A saying from Al-Anon that helped was she isn't getting drunk AT you. That I had nothing to do with her choosing to get drunk or not, it was all her choice.

Your friend,

Momzo

Thanks Mike! I must remind myself daily of the (3) C's.

Merry Christmas

Momzo

Thanks...I think I will put his belongings in my garage. My heart hurts and I'd rather not see him now if I can help it.

crazybabie

I know all the feelings your going through I asked most of these same questions and more what I learned is what the above posters said is true, as much as it can feel like the use is against us it isn't they use because the are alcoholics/addicts it is really that simple.

As, someone who doesn't use I felt unloved I know my AH loves me but the thing is he can't love me the way I deserve as long as he is using.

The meetings have helped me a lot I still have quite a way to go I have discovered I am a Codependency poster child but at the same time I discovered there is something I can do about that.

I am sorry your in such emotional pain it gets easier One Day at a Time
I think it is great that your going to be helping people tomorrow what a precious gift you will be for those people.