Lorelai

Last year I called a doctor and made an appointment for my AH for a physical because I was worried about his health. I told the doctor over the phone that he was an alcoholic and asked that he do any additional tests that might be needed for that condition. I told my H the day before the appointment that I had made him an appointment. He went. He had terribly high blood pressure. The doctor gave him a high dose of blood pressure medicine and told him not to do anything (mow the lawn, etc.) until he could check his pressure again.

I have pretty much stayed out of it since then. He refills his own perscription (whenever he gets around to it) and is, I guess, taking his medicine.

Whenever I mention anything that he's doing that is p*ssing me off, he says "I went to the doctor for you." Right! I tell him that I could have just spent the money we are spending on his medicine to increase his life insurance.

Anyway, my question. It is time for his physical again to renew his pills. He thinks that he is probably "cured" of the high blood pressure now and doesn't really need the pills anymore. I think he just doesn't want to go to the doctor again.

My mom says that I should make him go to the doctor and should start filling the perscription myself and make him take his pill each day.

It doesn't feel right to do this but I can't figure out if I'm trying not to enable him - he is after all a grown man - or if I'm just being spiteful and not wanting to help him.

Any opinions? Thanks for any input.

bookworm

Hi Lorelai,
I had the very same dilemma not so long ago....I'm certain that your Mum is thinking that she's saying the right thing - but you think about it. How can you 'make' a grown man look after his health when he himself is obviously not too bothered by the state of it? This man is not a child although he may act like one. You can't stick a diaper on his butt and stuff him in a pram, ok? You look after YOURself, Lorelai - you deserve it. You've tried to help him out before and all it's getting you is smartarse replies like "I went to the doctor for you".
(((((Lorelai)))))
HugZ
Sandra

Alison961

Hi Lorelai,

I had the same problem with my almost ex AH, right down to the high blood pressure. I finally figured if a man can hold down a 350K/year job, he can certainly get himself to the doctor.

OOPS...lost the job...boss got tired of the "attitude" (boss was not familiar with the concept of "isms"). Could he still get himself to the doctor? You betcha, especially with more time on his hands.

OOPS...got a second DUI and lost his license. Could he still get himself to the doctor? Of course, seeing as we have this nifty thing called public transportation in addition to all the people he could call for a ride.

I feel badly for him. He's sick and alone, but there's nothing I can do about it. He's got all the tools at his fingertips and is not ready to use them. Unfortunately (or fortunately, I don't know which), I was not up to the job for the long haul and have called it quits.

Okay, I've taken a bit of a birdwalk, sorry. Sort of free association here. But let me ask you this...

If you get him to the doctor, then what? Are you going to make him take his meds everyday? Count his pills to make sure he hasn't missed any? Scold him if he doesn't think he needs meds anymore? For me, it was the same as dealing with the alcoholism. He had every option right there in front of him with his high blood pressure, it was up to him how to exercise those options.

Might sound heartless, but it was the only way I could make it through each day without going nuts.

:banger
Alison

Gabe

Hey Lorelai,
He thought he was "cured" of high blood pressure? Hmm, Spicoli thought he was "cured" of alcoholism on several occasions.
I agree with everyone else, you can't be responsible for his doctor visits or his medication. You can certainly tell him, in a loving way, that you care about his health and you hope he will take good care of himself.
After that, it's up to him.
Take all that energy that you funneling into him and focus it on taking care of you.
Peace,
Gabe

journeygal

Hi Lorelai,

Not too long ago my dentist told me it was my responsibility as the wife to make sure Jack kept up regular dentist appts. Ha! I wanted to say, "Hey, I couldn't get him to stop using crack. How the heck am I supposed to get him to go to the dentist?"

I agree with the others - different problem, same concept. You can't make him go to the doc or take his meds if he's not willing to do it for himself.

Hugs,
JG

JT

I think everyone here makes a fine point BUT taking care of you also involves not being stuck caring for a bedridden stroke victim. That's how I see it anyway....Ward blew off his high blood pressure AND his sleep apnea. I told him if he had a stroke I would put him in a home....only half joking.

I operate on the notion that I can only so much but I do what I can. I don't count pills but I am aware if the script is being filled. When it comes to his health I am as straight up as I can be.

Hugs,
JT

Lorelai

(((JT)))
You read my mind. I don't want to sound cold and while I want him to be healthy for his own sake, one of my big fears is that he will have some medical problem like a stroke or a bad car accident and then what do I do?

While I think it is possible that I may be strong enough at some point to walk away from the drinking, I know me well enough to know that I would never be able to walk away from him in a situation like that.

I guess that maybe putting in a little effort to help him with his pills might be more a "taking care of me" thing than only "taking care of him"?

Thanks for all of the advice. It helps - always.
L

journeygal

It's interesting...before I went into recovery, I was the one to make all his doc appts. And now, I don't make them anymore. It wasn't a conscious decision either, not really. I think I just gradually came to realize that it wasn't my responsibility. I do agree with JT though. If his health starts deteriorating and it looks like I'm going to end up being his caretaker, then I might try a little harder.

It's kinda like paying the bills when he was using. It wasn't my responsibility, but I wasn't willing to mess up my credit so I paid them. I guess it goes back to what's important to you and what you're willing to deal with.

JT

You don't sound cold at all. This is what Smoke refers to as that "enabling boogyman". Sometimes we get so caught up in not doing for them that we loose sight of what is in our best interest.

I worked with a lady who had a diabetic husband. He did nothing right...he drank, smoked, ate whatever he wanted...she left him when he had his second leg amputated. It was a horrible decision for her and she took alot of grief for it. Personally I admired her for it.

There is a huge difference when the damage is self inflicted and they know it. Kind of like my son...an alcoholic on his 5th DUI.

Hugs,
JT