PippiLngstockng

AH of 17 years remains in a firm state of denial. While he refuses treatment, he continues to lie, cheat, and manipulate while totally playing the victim. He is here visiting for what remains an unspecified amount of time from his place across the ocean. Could be 2 more days, could be 3 weeks. I can't get him to commit to a return date. Every day he changes his mind. He said he wants to work on our marriage. but he isn't changing his ways - he just gets worse and worse. he thinks somehow his very presence will convince me to forget the abuse and everything else. does he think he has hypnotic powers or something. somw women seem to be drawn to him still but I think he is getting creepy.

He wants me to coordinate his time with our children but he is unreliable about keeping to a schedule and talks about himself a lot with them apparently...
He is trying to get the young ones to give him my new phone number, which he knows I don't want him to have. He gets them to feel sorry for him.

At least he is so far keeping out of my apt. This country I am living in is taking it's time about getting me a restraining order. But we have a court date because of a DV incident.

In the meantime my beautiful 9 year old wants his dad in the apt. Christmas day. My children are suffering. All I want is for them to be happy Christmas day.

I could make him agree to visit only for a specified amount of time, set up clear guidelines, etc. what do you all think? No one knows what to do any more. It is all too, too hard.

Recovering2

It's not about his boundaries...it's about YOUR boundaries. Is he staying with you? Then you set a firm dead line for his visit to end. If not, then keep your distance. If he wants time with your kids, then set a calendar and stick to it. If his plans change...then he doesn't see his kids...not your problem. The kids will soon figure it out. The kids need to understand that only you have the right to share your phone number...that needs to be a firm rule in your house. Worst case scenario...you change your number.

Thumper

I did not have a restraining order (did not need one) and my STXAH was over for some days in the beginning. It was just awful honestly. He was so very drunk/depressed/self-pitying. Faking it could not even work. Tension and unease filled the air.

What about planning Christmas dinner out and after the meal you can stay as long as the kids are chatting in a positive way and when/if things go south - you can go home?

PippiLngstockng

We had a lovely Christmas! The children were happy and even grateful. They played beautifully. We had been to a great party the night before too, with carols and really nice families!

The children called AH in the afternoon and we got together in the evening at a favorite restaurant. I brought AH a few gifts. He didn't want us to stay all that long and most of the time he spent discipling the oldest and controling the conversation. Who is this guy? I don't know him any more. Was he always like this and I am just noticing now? Strange.

We had peace all day except in the restaurant the oldest kept being mean to little brother. Otherwise very peaceful and beautiful. I think we all were relieved to see how well we could be together! We can do this!

Thanks everyone for your help through this crazy time!

Thumper

That is great news. You handled that gracefully and smartly (not sure that is a word!) and your kids are the winners!

You CAN do this!

LoveMeNow

We had peace all day except in the restaurant the oldest kept being mean to little brother. Otherwise very peaceful and beautiful. I think we all were relieved to see how well we could be together! We can do this!


Sounds like you handled things wisely to keep the peace. I just wonder if your oldest son was acting out because of the anger he was feeling for how his father was treating him. All too often, the victim becomes the perpetrator.