bigbrosKeeper

My 50 year old brother is addicted to crack. He had 3 years clean, then started dating a woman who wasn't. He lost his job, started using again and wanted to change his life so he moved up with my husband and I.

He has relapsed, in a bad way - and he's blaming it on me. Because one of the conditions for his coming up here was that he get help - both for his addiction and his bi-polar disorder. He feels I'm trying to control him. That I want to keep him a zombie locked in his room - I don't, in fact, I went with him to his psychiatrist and let her know that he was a zombie and needed a med change...

Long story short, he relapsed 3x in one week - the last one he stole from me and my mother to do over $1000 in crack over 14 hours. He finally checked himself in to the ER - and was depressed, etc, and finally agreed to an inpatient treatment program. He's been apologetic, up till today (the day they were moving him from the hospital to the detox/re-hab). He's back to blaming me for his relapse, and I just plain can't handle it any more. I don't know if he actually went to the rehab because of hippa laws - but it wouldn't surprise me if he just left the hospital with the clothes on his back (I picked up his car, he is co-owner with my mother, and I don't feel it's safe for him to be driving it).

I don't know why I'm the villan, maybe it's because I'm the only one of 4 kids (2 half brothers) that doesn't have an addiction problem - all my brothers do, and I am at the end of my rope with my older brother.

There is a fine line between support and enabling, and he's about to lose my support as he only wants me to enable him. I just can't do it anymore.

coraltint

Wow that's hard, because you just want your brother to be well.

I'm afraid the only way he will have a chance is if he indeed gets cut off....most of us won't change until we HAVE to. As long as you are helping him in any way, he will use you for that, and then ..... rubbing salt in the wound will blame you for his problem. So sorry, but very predictable junkie manipulation.

These people are good at helping families deal with an addicted loved one:

Families Anonymous | For Relatives & Friends Concerned About the Use of Drugs or Related Behavioral Problems

I wish you strength & peace,

Sara21

I'm so sorry you are going through this. No matter what he says, this is NOT your fault. He made the choice to use, he needs to make the choice to stop using.

He's blaming you so that he can avoid taking responsibility for his own actions. You cannot control what he, or anyone else does, you can only control your reaction to it. Try to remove yourself from the situation, at least for a while. Focus on the good things you have in life and try to stay positive. I know it's hard, but you owe it to yourself to be happy.

Hugs

crazybabie

I am sorry for what your going through but glad you found us. Posting and reading here is a good start for you as you try and get your life back. I have a diagnosis of bipolar and many with that diagnosis and/or other mental health diagnosis do not take their meds or will start and stop them many self medicate not a good thing to do.

My oldest AS even when little age 9 and up would not take his meds .

Many times an addict will place blame on us but do know it is NOT your fault.
You didn't cause it, You can't control it and You can't cure it.


You made reasonable request for him to come there and I assume since he went he agreed to that request. I attend Families Anonymous and Alanon as there is no Naranon in my area, keep posting and reading your not alone.

dollydo

There is nothing more you can do, it is all up to him. If he wants recovery he will seek it, if not, he won't. Might be time to get out of the HP's way and let the chips fall where they may. Enabling is not the answer.

I am sorry that you are going through this, however,he is an adult, you cannot do this for him.

interrupted

Relapsing three times in a week doesn't sound like a relapse, it sounds like active addiction. But that's just semantics. My sister is an active heroin addict. One of my boundaries is that nobody in active addiction is allowed in my house. Period. As you know now, having someone in active addiction living with you will grind you down into a terrified, self-doubting shell of your former self. It's okay to make the decision to save yourself, and allow your brother the same dignity of choosing to help himself, or not. There is nothing you can do to save him, and trying will only end up destroying you. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you're not alone. Keep posting here, it helps!

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR.....glad you found us.

You've done what you can......and just because he says that his relapse is your fault, it doesn't mean it's true. You know it's not your fault......and so does he.

He's a grown man and as such, he has the right to live his life the way he wants to....even if you don't agree with it. That was a hard pill for me to swallow for a long time because I thought "yeah BUT the lifestyle my son has chosen is so obviously wrong." That doesn't change the fact that its his life to live....not mine.

When they finally get sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's when they will be agreeable to recovery.......and not a moment sooner.

For our own sanity, we have a choice....to hold on to them and get dragged down the rabbit hole with them.....or to let go and let God. I have chosen the latter. It doesn't mean that I've given up on my son. It means that I've given up trying to change my son. There's a huge difference.

Yes.....there is.....and it's ok to let him go. It's really tough to watch someone you love self destruct. We understand......you and your dear brother will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

Windancer

Im sorry to hear of this. That situation must be heartbreaking for you.
I think you need to look after YOU. You know you are not the villian here. If that means pulling his support, then pull the support. Something that helps me is remembering that even if I really dislike or detest someone's beheviour or attitude, it isnt actaully the person I dont like. Also, an addict/alcoholic so early in recovery is also not likely acting/thinking/behaving like they usually would. I am not saying that is an excuse, as it is not. It is true though.

Big hugs to you!!!!!

bigbrosKeeper

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I feel horribly guilty today, even though I know logically I shouldn't. My brother was placed in a detox/dual diagnosis rehab about 2.5 hours from here (if you don't count traffic). He called and wants me to bring him clean socks and a sweat shirt because he's cold - oh, and cigarettes.

I told him that making that kind of trip to just bring him clothes, as they don't allow visitors, would be counter productive. He can wash out his socks if he needs to - they provide pajamas, and if he's cold, he can wrap himself in a blanket (they wont let him wear his leather jacket).

I said no on the cigarettes as I just don't really have the money to pay for them - he started giving me a guilt trip about making him do this without cigarettes - I told him he's already been smoke free since he went in to the hospital Wednesday night, and that since he doesn't have a job, maybe now would be a good time to quit.

I also explained that since he ran my mothers credit card to the limit, that I needed to put $100 on it so that it doesn't go over the limit when the interest hits. My mom doesn't have the money to cover it right now, and I'm hard pressed to do it as well, but I refuse to see her credit ruined.

I spoke to his insurance clinician who said I was doing the right thing, and that making him too comfortable while in detox/rehab wouldn't be good.

I also know that my husband would have gone through the roof if I made the trip. My husband has been very supportive of all of this since my brother got here - but he's at the end of his tolerance level, and I can't blame him. We've tried to make my brother welcome and comfortable here - including buying him a 32" tv, getting him his own dvr and cable box with all the channels, buying whatever food he wants, etc.

My husband and I don't drink or do drugs of any kind. We make enough to be comfortable when it's just the 2 of us, but with my brother here, and my father is now living with us (he's elderly with health issues and can no longer live alone), we don't have the money to even enjoy a night out for dinner without putting some bill off.

To my brothers credit, he has been actively looking for work since he got here, but yes, as one of you said above, 3 relapses in a week is an active addiction. He keeps saying all he needs is a job and he wont use, but I don't believe that. He had a job in Florida and used anyway back then, what would be different this time?

Thank you all again for letting me rant a bit - it has been a very hard week to say the least.

Windancer

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, and despite it being tough, a good handle on things.
I hope things work out for everyone involved in this situation.

crazybabie

To my brothers credit, he has been actively looking for work since he got here, but yes, as one of you said above, 3 relapses in a week is an active addiction. He keeps saying all he needs is a job and he wont use, but I don't believe that. He had a job in Florida and used anyway back then, what would be different this time?

Job or no job, house or no house , etc... or no etc... it will not be any different until he is sick and tired of it whatever it finally takes too make him say enough I hope that this time in detox/rehab will be the time for his sake and your families.

You did do the right thing about not making the trip to take clothes right now and made good suggestions for alternatives for him.

I hope you have a nice holiday and know your brother is in good care. You have a lot on your plate.

dollydo

"To my brothers credit, he has been actively looking for work since he got here, but yes, as one of you said above, 3 relapses in a week is an active addiction. He keeps saying all he needs is a job and he wont use, but I don't believe that. He had a job in Florida and used anyway back then, what would be different this time?"

Nothing, he would just have more money to use...until he gets fired.

As for your mothers credit card..did she give it to him to use? If not, she needs to report
it as stolen and close it out.

You can't resolve everyone elses problems, you have a husband, a life of your own, why not focus on that?

Don't let his behavior ruin your holidays. My best to you in 2013!

Momzo

Not only do you have a good head on your shoulders...you have a great heart. It's time for tough love...don't be an enabler. The only way your brother will get better is if he wants to. You love your brother very much, but its time for God to help him. I'm afraid if you keep helping your brother, he will never get better because he dont have to.

I'm new here too...you're in the right place with wonderfully supportive people.

Merry Christmas 💕 xoxo

crazybabie

Dolly, Thank you for that I needed that reminder myself.

BeavsDad

Where is he going after rehab?

Is his room, 32" TV, and dvr waiting for him or is it packed up?

It seems that it would be foolish to ever let him sleep in your home again.

Have you really had enough?

hello-kitty

Your brother sounds like my ex. If you allow yourself to be guilted into allowing him back into your home, taking care of his needs and supporting him, what you are really doing is feeding his crack addiction. Any attempt to make him comfortable and ease his "suffering" gives him energy and money for using. Crack addiction is a horrible disease - it turns people in to lying, manipulative drug seekers. It needs to be dealt with severely by loved ones, or there is no hope for a remission. And by "dealt with" I mean hands off the addict.

You didn't cause his addiction. You can't control his addiction. You can't cure his addiction. All you can do is control yourself and your actions so you don't fall victim to his addiction... again.

zoso77

Oh, man. He's Bipolar and he's an addict...talk about a deadly combo. I'm sorry that you're going through this, but happy you found us.

A lot of Bipolar patients makes the mistake of going off their meds, and this is problematic because they often seek other ways to self-medicate. When the lows hit, they're crushing, and they want to numb themselves. And when the highs hit, look out...

So, you're the villain because it's convenient for your brother to blame you. If you weren't around, he'd blame someone else. Think about it. He made the mistake of getting romantically entangled with someone who wasn't clean. How's that your fault? He made the choice to pick up again. How's that your fault? Simple, it's not. He doesn't want to assume responsibility for his choices.

Yes, he's Bipolar, and that's a tough card to be dealt. But he ultimately has to take ownership of his illness. You can't do that for him. No one can, but him.

If you have to detach from him, then you have to detach from him. It's that simple, and yet it's so very difficult because he's family and you don't want to see him suffer. Rest assured, you can't help him. There is nothing you can do to save him. But you can save yourself.

I would encourage you to take advantage of all the resources here, including reading the sticky notes at the top of our home page. Those will tell you what you're up against.

Please, be safe, and let us know how you're doing.

ZoSo

outtolunch

If your brother blamed you for the weather, does that mean you caused the weather?

If your brother blamed you for famine in Africa, does that mean you can control the famine?

If your brother blamed you for cancer, does that mean you can cure cancer?

Just because it comes out of his mouth, does not make it factual. Take back your power. You did not cause his addiction. You cannot control his addiction. You cannot cure his addiction. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

If these calls cause you to become anxious, you can choose to not accept the calls. Disengaging on an emotional level is necessary for your own survival. He's 50 and can deal with his own insurance situation and his theft of your mother's money. The need to be the family fixer is within you.

bigbrosKeeper

Sorry I haven't gotten back on recently - it's been hectic (as always, anymore), my father is ill, and I take him to and from dr.s appts, he has to have surgery in a few weeks. My brother was released today - there were no residential programs available, though he did get on a few waiting lists.

My husband went with me to pick him up - he took the day off from work to do it, so I wouldn't have to do it alone (he said it was because the roads were bad and he was afraid I'd get stuck somewhere, but I know better - God, I love that man). The ride home was uneventful.

Once home, I sat my brother down to explain the rules for him being allowed in the house - he must still actively seek a residential program (they gave him a long sheet of numbers to call), in the mean time, attend an IOP that he was already enrolled in but hadn't yet started before he was hospitalized, no driving any car - his (he's co-owner with my mom), mine, my dads, or my moms. He started bitching I was treating him like a 2 year old and thats why he used to begin with, yadda, yadda, yadda... He doesn't want me to drive him to meetings or the IOP (we live 30 miles from most everything, including NA meetings and the IOP, there is no public transportation here, not even taxis), etc.

I told him that he was an addict, and I am not going to tolerate the blame game he tries to play on me - that he can either accept the rides, or pack his bags now and leave, I don't care that we're in a storm.

Needless to say, things are tense - but my father (who also lives with my husband and I) keeps telling me that I can't put him out because "thats throwing him to the wolves". Consequently, I am letting him stay tonight, valuables are locked up, keys to the cars are hidden, etc. But if his attitude doesn't change by the time I drop him at his IOP in the morning, I am not going to pick him up. I will bring clothes to the IOP office in an overnight bag for him.

I know he has an illness, more than one - but I shouldn't have to be paranoid in my own home. My husband and I work very hard for what we have - and have put ourselves in debt supporting my brother and father - yes, most of the time my brother has been clean since he's been here, but I've seen him go through this manic/crack cycle before (it seems to happen every 3 to 4 years) - it usually doesn't end till he's on probation or house arrest.

I want to thank you all for your kind words, reality checks, and advice. I wish I was strong enough (or that I could convince the rest of my family to be strong enough) to follow it all. I guess I keep on thinking about when my brother isn't using or going through a deep depression, he is kind hearted - almost to a fault, a hard worker, generous, and generally a good guy.

Couple that with me being my mothers daughter... an enabler, and so generous she has to scrape to make her own bills because she gives her money away to people in need (and more than a few who are not but use her). I cannot say I haven't taken advantage of my mothers generosity - I did, until I hit about 30 or so, then I realized that there was no rational reason that my mother should be supporting me, bailing me out of financial messes, etc. I was fully capable of working full time, and managing my own money, but if I didn't come to that realization on my own, she'd still be doing it. I feel horrible for the way I used my mother - and have tried my best to make up for it over the last 16 years by helping her say no to people (including me!). Especially the ones that are using her.

Ok, I just realized I wrote another novel... Sorry - I am looking forward to reading the sticky posts - and I am going to try to find an al-anon/nar-anon meeting that runs the same time as one of my brothers meetings. Again, thank you all for your ear (eyes?) and letting me vent/ramble.

Justfor1

Did he steal your moms credit card or did your mom let him use it? If he stole it then she is not responsible for any of the "crack" charges. But I think she would have to press charges. Addicts can be very big babies when they get to rehab. Nice blanket, clothes, high end soaps/shampoo, cigarettes ect....