How to deal with an addict?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 2
How to deal with an addict?
Hi, everyone, I’m new here and I’m hoping that others’ experiences will help me learn how to deal with being the partner of an addict and how to help him in his recovery.
My boyfriend began using three years before we met and by the time we began seeing each other, he had already become a pro at hiding his addiction and functioning as a sober person would. We dated for two years before it came out that he was using. His mother caught him snorting Roxys and sent him to rehab. I decided to help him get clean by backing out of our relationship and allow him to focus on himself and getting clean. Six months after he was released from rehab, he contacted me and we eventually began seeing each other again. He was the man I loved, but better; clean, healthy, never strapped for cash, loving, respectful, and mentally present in a way I didn’t know had been missing before. We entered into a more serious relationship as adults; working by day, dinner movies with friends, and family get-togethers.
Then, two weeks ago, He stopped answering my calls and texts and went MIA for two days. When his mother finally contacted me saying that she had not heart from him either, I drove to his house and found him holding an empty pill bottle. There was tinfoil and straws all over his bedroom; he had been on a Roxy bender and was smoking them for two days, not even going to work. I helped him get dressed and began helping him to my car to take him to the ER (I didn’t know how many pills he took). Then his apparent drug dealer pulled up and my boyfriend pushed past me to get at the car and emptied his wallet for a few pills he took before I could stop him.
A night of observation at the hospital, a week in detox, and a flight out of state later, he is in a 28 day treatment facility and in the middle of his blackout period where he cannot have any contact with anyone.
Since he left for rehab, I’ve been worrying about his future and our future as a couple. So I ask you; is it possible that he could have access to drugs in rehab? How can I be a supportive partner while he is in treatment? I’ve heard that cheating in rehab is very common. While my boyfriend has always been faithful, is that something I should be concerned with? Are there any other things I should learn/do/think about while he is getting treatment?
I know this was long and very wordy, but I’m new to all of this and and help would be greatly appreciated!
-Holly
My boyfriend began using three years before we met and by the time we began seeing each other, he had already become a pro at hiding his addiction and functioning as a sober person would. We dated for two years before it came out that he was using. His mother caught him snorting Roxys and sent him to rehab. I decided to help him get clean by backing out of our relationship and allow him to focus on himself and getting clean. Six months after he was released from rehab, he contacted me and we eventually began seeing each other again. He was the man I loved, but better; clean, healthy, never strapped for cash, loving, respectful, and mentally present in a way I didn’t know had been missing before. We entered into a more serious relationship as adults; working by day, dinner movies with friends, and family get-togethers.
Then, two weeks ago, He stopped answering my calls and texts and went MIA for two days. When his mother finally contacted me saying that she had not heart from him either, I drove to his house and found him holding an empty pill bottle. There was tinfoil and straws all over his bedroom; he had been on a Roxy bender and was smoking them for two days, not even going to work. I helped him get dressed and began helping him to my car to take him to the ER (I didn’t know how many pills he took). Then his apparent drug dealer pulled up and my boyfriend pushed past me to get at the car and emptied his wallet for a few pills he took before I could stop him.
A night of observation at the hospital, a week in detox, and a flight out of state later, he is in a 28 day treatment facility and in the middle of his blackout period where he cannot have any contact with anyone.
Since he left for rehab, I’ve been worrying about his future and our future as a couple. So I ask you; is it possible that he could have access to drugs in rehab? How can I be a supportive partner while he is in treatment? I’ve heard that cheating in rehab is very common. While my boyfriend has always been faithful, is that something I should be concerned with? Are there any other things I should learn/do/think about while he is getting treatment?
I know this was long and very wordy, but I’m new to all of this and and help would be greatly appreciated!
-Holly
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Holly
Welcome to SR.......
You have a lot of questions. That's good. I'm sure people will be along soon to provide some more insight.
Anything is possible but they are pretty astute in treatment centers. They know the tricks. They have the tests. He'll be asked to leave if they find drugs in is possession or in his system.
Allow him the dignity to work his own program.
Personally I wouldn't be concerned with something unless it has actually happened. We call that future tripping......stay in today and take it one day at a time.
This is the best question and the one that you actually have control of. You can educate yourself about addiction and most specifically about codependence. You can begin going to meetings (Nar-Anon or Al-Anon if Nar-Anon is not available). You can learn how to care for yourself first and allow your boyfriend the autonomy to work his program. These are all merely suggestions but any or all of them will help you.
gentle hugs
ke
Welcome to SR.......
You have a lot of questions. That's good. I'm sure people will be along soon to provide some more insight.
So I ask you; is it possible that he could have access to drugs in rehab?
How can I be a supportive partner while he is in treatment?
I’ve heard that cheating in rehab is very common. While my boyfriend has always been faithful, is that something I should be concerned with?
Are there any other things I should learn/do/think about while he is getting treatment?
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Holly)) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.
Can he get drugs in rehab? Yeah, he can. Not everyone there is truly there for recovery, sad to say.
What can you do to help him? TBH, nothing. You aren't an A (addict/alcholic) and he needs to reach out to those who are in recovery for addiction.
FWIW, I'm both an RA (recovering addict...crack, though I abused alcohol and opiates first) and a loved one of people who are still using alcohol/drugs. I "get" both sides of the addiction fence.
What made a difference to me when I was using? My loved ones stepped back...allowed me to feel the FULL consequences of my addiction. They let me dig a really deep hole of despair, figure my way out of it and only when I had PROVED my resolve to recovery (by my actions, not just my words) did they support me.
As the loved one, I've tried to do the same. I live with a stepmom (sm) who is addicted to pain pills and benzos. I don't try to control her use, but I do step in when she is putting our home at risk (falling out with a lit cigarette in her hand).
I can tell you that the people who most supported me in early recovery were others who knew my feelings...other RAs. That's not to discount you, but you don't know what it's like to be in the grip of a drug.
I can also tell you that what made the most difference to me? It was my loved ones going on with their lives, and I wasn't included. I knew, the only way to get back my family was to choose recovery. I did, though I know a lot of people who didn't.
This forum, and the people here, have been a lifesaver for me. They've been-there-got-the-t-shirt, and they won't stear you wrong.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Can he get drugs in rehab? Yeah, he can. Not everyone there is truly there for recovery, sad to say.
What can you do to help him? TBH, nothing. You aren't an A (addict/alcholic) and he needs to reach out to those who are in recovery for addiction.
FWIW, I'm both an RA (recovering addict...crack, though I abused alcohol and opiates first) and a loved one of people who are still using alcohol/drugs. I "get" both sides of the addiction fence.
What made a difference to me when I was using? My loved ones stepped back...allowed me to feel the FULL consequences of my addiction. They let me dig a really deep hole of despair, figure my way out of it and only when I had PROVED my resolve to recovery (by my actions, not just my words) did they support me.
As the loved one, I've tried to do the same. I live with a stepmom (sm) who is addicted to pain pills and benzos. I don't try to control her use, but I do step in when she is putting our home at risk (falling out with a lit cigarette in her hand).
I can tell you that the people who most supported me in early recovery were others who knew my feelings...other RAs. That's not to discount you, but you don't know what it's like to be in the grip of a drug.
I can also tell you that what made the most difference to me? It was my loved ones going on with their lives, and I wasn't included. I knew, the only way to get back my family was to choose recovery. I did, though I know a lot of people who didn't.
This forum, and the people here, have been a lifesaver for me. They've been-there-got-the-t-shirt, and they won't stear you wrong.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 2
Thank you, that is such good advice! I love that you took the time to answer all of my many questions. His mother and I work as each other's support system right now and plan on talking to an addiction specialist in our area about what to do when he gets close to coming home. In the meantime, I wanted to look into therapy for us to attend together when he comes home, or is that planning too far ahead?
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Hi Holly, Welcome to SR. Its a wonderful site with so much wisdom.
My husband became addicted to pain pills and I had no idea to what extent. I was very naive about addiction and codependency. I did everything I could to save, fix and rescue him. The result was I became as sick as he was.
I finally got myself into therapy, joined here and started Alanon. As I started to get help, he was hitting his bottom. He eventually decided to seek help. Both of us were advised by several professionals - not to seek marriage counseling for at least the first 90 days. However, we have both been seeing our own individual therapists and attending NA (for him) and I was doing a Coda support group.
It takes a while for the brain to start healing itself, for the addict to learn to deal with their feelings again and mos importantly, the addict has to really work on staying clean as their priority.
The best advice I received here was to start working on myself. Everything else that is meant to be will follow one way or another.
My prayers are with you all!
My husband became addicted to pain pills and I had no idea to what extent. I was very naive about addiction and codependency. I did everything I could to save, fix and rescue him. The result was I became as sick as he was.
I finally got myself into therapy, joined here and started Alanon. As I started to get help, he was hitting his bottom. He eventually decided to seek help. Both of us were advised by several professionals - not to seek marriage counseling for at least the first 90 days. However, we have both been seeing our own individual therapists and attending NA (for him) and I was doing a Coda support group.
It takes a while for the brain to start healing itself, for the addict to learn to deal with their feelings again and mos importantly, the addict has to really work on staying clean as their priority.
The best advice I received here was to start working on myself. Everything else that is meant to be will follow one way or another.
My prayers are with you all!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board.
Kind Eyes addressed a lot of what I would say, but I want to highlight this:
If you want to help him, stay out of his way.
There are some of us here that are recovering addicts themselves, and rather than steal their considerable thunder, I'm hoping that they'll post after me. What I will say is if your ABF chooses and embraces recovery, he's in for a long haul. This isn't something that's going to take a week, or a month, or a year. This is something he's going to be working on every day for a long, long time, if indeed he chooses recovery. The best thing you can do is work on you; learn as much as you can from the posts here, and I would encourage you to find a local Al Anon and/or Nar Anon meeting.
Be Safe,
ZoSo
Kind Eyes addressed a lot of what I would say, but I want to highlight this:
Hi, everyone, I’m new here and I’m hoping that others’ experiences will help me learn how to deal with being the partner of an addict and how to help him in his recovery.
There are some of us here that are recovering addicts themselves, and rather than steal their considerable thunder, I'm hoping that they'll post after me. What I will say is if your ABF chooses and embraces recovery, he's in for a long haul. This isn't something that's going to take a week, or a month, or a year. This is something he's going to be working on every day for a long, long time, if indeed he chooses recovery. The best thing you can do is work on you; learn as much as you can from the posts here, and I would encourage you to find a local Al Anon and/or Nar Anon meeting.
Be Safe,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Hi Holly,
Welcome to SR ((hugs)). I can relate a bit to your situation. I married my husband not knowing he was an addict. We weren't living together before we got married and we would only see each other about 3 times a week, so this made it easier for him to hide his addiction from me.
Please know that he has to WANT sobriety for himself, not for anyone else. He will have to do the work himself by working some kind of program. It's easy for us to want to come in and "save" our loved ones, but that type of thinking will bring you a lot of pain and dissapointment.
I agree with the previous posters who said to educate yourself about addiction and codependent behavior. Work on yourself and do whatever you can to stay strong and healthy. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and he's lucky to have you in his life. Don't let his addicition control your life. I'm not saying to abandon him or anything, just make sure that you don't forget about you and your goals in life.
I'm sure others will come along with more helpful advice. This site has been a life saver for me and I hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone.
Hugs
Welcome to SR ((hugs)). I can relate a bit to your situation. I married my husband not knowing he was an addict. We weren't living together before we got married and we would only see each other about 3 times a week, so this made it easier for him to hide his addiction from me.
Please know that he has to WANT sobriety for himself, not for anyone else. He will have to do the work himself by working some kind of program. It's easy for us to want to come in and "save" our loved ones, but that type of thinking will bring you a lot of pain and dissapointment.
I agree with the previous posters who said to educate yourself about addiction and codependent behavior. Work on yourself and do whatever you can to stay strong and healthy. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and he's lucky to have you in his life. Don't let his addicition control your life. I'm not saying to abandon him or anything, just make sure that you don't forget about you and your goals in life.
I'm sure others will come along with more helpful advice. This site has been a life saver for me and I hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Originally Posted by Holly90 
Thank you, that is such good advice! I love that you took the time to answer all of my many questions. His mother and I work as each other's support system right now and plan on talking to an addiction specialist in our area about what to do when he gets close to coming home. In the meantime, I wanted to look into therapy for us to attend together when he comes home, or is that planning too far ahead?
Talking to an addiction specialist is a good ideal IMO, while your bf is away maybe you and his mom can start some meetings and be working a program as well.
Last edited by crazybabie; 12-24-2012 at 04:35 AM. Reason: added info
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I would suggest that you and his mother both go to Naranon meetings, as for him, if he is serious about recovery he will continue to work his program for life. There is no cure for his disease, it is just a matter of whether he is clean and working a strong recovery program or not.
Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, lots of helpful information at your fingertips.
Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, lots of helpful information at your fingertips.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Welcome to SR, there is tons of support here.
I am a recovered addict and a loved one of an addict, and really the only thing you can do to help him is take a huggeeee step back and let him find his own way.
Unfortunately, you can't love addiction out of him. It doesn't matter if you love him, support him, stand by his side, etc. All that matters at the end of the day is whether he decides he wants recovery.
Instead of planning to go to counseling with him, have you thought about going to counseling for yourself? While he is away is a great time to work on yourself.
It is important when a loved one who is an addict comes home we give them their own space to figure out their own recovery. When I first got clean my family backed off and let me be an adult and make my own choices. If I decided to go back to using, they would have cut contact with me, but they gave me the dignity to make the choice for myself.
Something that has helped me and my family was to create boundaries. For example, sone of my boundaries are that "I will not associate with anyone that is an active addict"and "I will not allow anyone that is actively using in my house or car".
Please take care of yourself and focus on you.
I am a recovered addict and a loved one of an addict, and really the only thing you can do to help him is take a huggeeee step back and let him find his own way.
Unfortunately, you can't love addiction out of him. It doesn't matter if you love him, support him, stand by his side, etc. All that matters at the end of the day is whether he decides he wants recovery.
Instead of planning to go to counseling with him, have you thought about going to counseling for yourself? While he is away is a great time to work on yourself.
It is important when a loved one who is an addict comes home we give them their own space to figure out their own recovery. When I first got clean my family backed off and let me be an adult and make my own choices. If I decided to go back to using, they would have cut contact with me, but they gave me the dignity to make the choice for myself.
Something that has helped me and my family was to create boundaries. For example, sone of my boundaries are that "I will not associate with anyone that is an active addict"and "I will not allow anyone that is actively using in my house or car".
Please take care of yourself and focus on you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
