Where is he?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
Where is he?
hi,
im sure some of you will remember my previous posts, my partner is an A. he cant stop drinking so we found a way to make it work, where he managed his drinking, so that it didn't cause others pain, and that's been working fine... until Friday.
i went to the hair dressers on Friday, we agreed he wouldn't drink more than 1 bottle of wine whilst i was gone, he stayed home and washed up, ironed, tidied up and drank his wine.
when i came back he seemed a bit drunk, and i was angry, i accused him of lying about what he drank, drinking more than he said. He said he felt he couldn't do anything right, he was trying like you wouldn't believe, but it was never enough, and that he had done everything i asked.
we popped out to my friends, as i got out the car to go to the bank he turned the music up too loud, i shouted at him and told him this life wasnt normal.
when i came back from the cash machine he was gone, just left the car, just like that. That was 8pm Friday, ive not seen nor heard from him since, and neither has anyone else. His phone is in the house, so no one can ring him, he left the car with the clothes on his back and his wallet in his pocket.
i now am going insane with worry, was this my fault? does this mean were through? where is he? will i ever see him again? WHY, WHY WHY?
i cant describe my pain right now, my feelings of loneliness, the not knowing, the worry, its awful, i cant think straight and i dont know what to do with my self.
i guess this is the curse of going out with an A. But how can i deal with this situation? im assuming that he doesnt want to come back to me, but why woudlnt he have said, as im sure he loved me...
if any one has any advice on how i can toughen up... feel free!
im sure some of you will remember my previous posts, my partner is an A. he cant stop drinking so we found a way to make it work, where he managed his drinking, so that it didn't cause others pain, and that's been working fine... until Friday.
i went to the hair dressers on Friday, we agreed he wouldn't drink more than 1 bottle of wine whilst i was gone, he stayed home and washed up, ironed, tidied up and drank his wine.
when i came back he seemed a bit drunk, and i was angry, i accused him of lying about what he drank, drinking more than he said. He said he felt he couldn't do anything right, he was trying like you wouldn't believe, but it was never enough, and that he had done everything i asked.
we popped out to my friends, as i got out the car to go to the bank he turned the music up too loud, i shouted at him and told him this life wasnt normal.
when i came back from the cash machine he was gone, just left the car, just like that. That was 8pm Friday, ive not seen nor heard from him since, and neither has anyone else. His phone is in the house, so no one can ring him, he left the car with the clothes on his back and his wallet in his pocket.
i now am going insane with worry, was this my fault? does this mean were through? where is he? will i ever see him again? WHY, WHY WHY?
i cant describe my pain right now, my feelings of loneliness, the not knowing, the worry, its awful, i cant think straight and i dont know what to do with my self.
i guess this is the curse of going out with an A. But how can i deal with this situation? im assuming that he doesnt want to come back to me, but why woudlnt he have said, as im sure he loved me...
if any one has any advice on how i can toughen up... feel free!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Your partner is just doing what addicts do. They can't control their urges like non addicts can. This is the roller coaster that you would always have to live on unless he got totally sober for life and worked a strong recovery program, white knuckling it just doesn't work.
I am sorry, keep yourself busy, have you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie?
What about the stickeys on this site and cynical one's blogs? Might help you.
I am sorry, keep yourself busy, have you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie?
What about the stickeys on this site and cynical one's blogs? Might help you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
Oh my, I am so sorry and this reminds me of what I don't miss! Yes, This is what addicts do and it is heart breaking! I can't tell you the number of countless hours, days spent worrying and crying. The best thing you can do if you are going to stay in this relationship is educate yourself, get some support system, take care of yourself and keep yourself busy. I spent more countless WASTED hours when I could have been doing something productive or that I enjoyed. I feel for you - hugs!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Don't you find it exhausting trying to always monitor how much he drinks? I would find it incredibly so.
He probably is resentful that he can't just drink whatever he wants, and really, is your 'bargain' with him actually working? It seems as though it is doing nothing but bringing you both pain.
What do you want to see happen in the future--for YOUR life? Is it more days like this? I hope not, you deserve so much more!!
He probably is resentful that he can't just drink whatever he wants, and really, is your 'bargain' with him actually working? It seems as though it is doing nothing but bringing you both pain.
What do you want to see happen in the future--for YOUR life? Is it more days like this? I hope not, you deserve so much more!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 81
I've had this happen to me so many times. The first time it was a complete shock. I didn't even know my BF was an A (and injecting crack, as I learned by finding his phone and messages to dealers). A couple months later he went into treatment, but when he came out of treatment, we were broken up but still in as much contact as when we were "officially together". I thought let's see what happens. I thought he was dry. But he moved in with another drinker. So the abandonment happened again. Then the following month again. Then the month after that. Then it was every 2 weeks. then every week. You get the idea. The pain was the worst the first few times. Then, I kinda got used to it. The broken evening plans, left hanging, I found other things to immerse myself in. I'm now working on detaching, as this is now something I know I can't control or change. Part of me thinks it's a manipulative thing that he does to get back at the world, to punish it (me, family, society) by withdrawing. Looking back I never got a sincere apology for the "abandonment" episodes. It's actually the dealbreaker in my friendship now.
But you're definitely not responsible. He really, really wants to drink, and our asking them to keep to a certain degree of drinking, abstaining or limiting, is not going to work. The alcohol creates intense craving for more, we can't set limits for them. The addiction will make them run away, sometimes over and over again. It's a painful thing to stand by and watch. I'm not an expert in AlAnon or what you should think and feel or do here, just saying I totally have been there and in my experience this behavior continued and became more frequent, despite my pleas to stop and our long talks about it.
But it's NOT your fault, and you are not the CAUSE of it, can't CONTROL it or CURE it (hey I learned something from AlAnon!!)
But you're definitely not responsible. He really, really wants to drink, and our asking them to keep to a certain degree of drinking, abstaining or limiting, is not going to work. The alcohol creates intense craving for more, we can't set limits for them. The addiction will make them run away, sometimes over and over again. It's a painful thing to stand by and watch. I'm not an expert in AlAnon or what you should think and feel or do here, just saying I totally have been there and in my experience this behavior continued and became more frequent, despite my pleas to stop and our long talks about it.
But it's NOT your fault, and you are not the CAUSE of it, can't CONTROL it or CURE it (hey I learned something from AlAnon!!)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
An alcoholic can not control the amount of alcohol they consume in any day, or hour. It is a progressive disease. You will not win this battle with that kind of thinking. You didn't cause it, can't control or cure it. This has nothing to do with love. The addiction happens in a part of the brain that doesn't understand love, compassion, etc. They will break all boundaries to get to their drug of choice.
Until you release being "addicted to the addicted" this stress will be your life. Take care of your self. You can't control his choices, but you can control how you react. Find a local AlAnon group , there is help out there.
Until you release being "addicted to the addicted" this stress will be your life. Take care of your self. You can't control his choices, but you can control how you react. Find a local AlAnon group , there is help out there.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I witnessed firsthand my a-exbf running away for days at a time. I would just go crazy with worry, crying, calling everyone he knew or would go to, driving the streets, and just plain jane making a complete fool of myself. He came home every time.
I asked myself why I was so worried no one else wanted him. Now I look back at my actions and think why did I want him? Well it was for the fleeting minutes of my day that he showed me love because I was weak with him. No matter how much I loved him he couldn’t love himself or me with all that he drank.
How sad, I mean really just breaks my heart still and I haven’t seen or talked to him since last August 2012 after he walked away from everything. We were supposed to get married last May and it was postponed to next May 2013 due to my Mom’s illness. Tonight I’m just sad but know it’s for the best.
I feel your pain and I hope you find peace, it is not normal for anyone on this earth to put you through that kind of pain. It is painful and it’s wrong for anyone to do that to another human being especially when it’s a choice to be together.
Take care of you.
I asked myself why I was so worried no one else wanted him. Now I look back at my actions and think why did I want him? Well it was for the fleeting minutes of my day that he showed me love because I was weak with him. No matter how much I loved him he couldn’t love himself or me with all that he drank.
How sad, I mean really just breaks my heart still and I haven’t seen or talked to him since last August 2012 after he walked away from everything. We were supposed to get married last May and it was postponed to next May 2013 due to my Mom’s illness. Tonight I’m just sad but know it’s for the best.
I feel your pain and I hope you find peace, it is not normal for anyone on this earth to put you through that kind of pain. It is painful and it’s wrong for anyone to do that to another human being especially when it’s a choice to be together.
Take care of you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
I'm so sorry you are going through this. My XABF used to go AWOL just overnight and I'd be sick with worry and be wouldn't even have been aware of how I felt or understand until he sobered up the next day, if at all.
This isn't your fault and it isn't the actions of a normal, sober person. He probably hasnt even thought about the impact on you and is in the thick of his addiction.
He probably will turn up at some point but you can't control that and worrying isn't going to speed up his return. Easier said than done I know but it helped me to remember worrying was just making me ill. That and coming here.
After a while, I used the time of him going AWOL to think about whether I wanted this from a relationship. Only you can decide what you want but I decided as much as I loved, and still love, my XABF, I couldn't cope with living with someone who caused me so much stress and anguish, even if he didn't mean to.
I hope you find a way to cope, whatever you decide. Happy Christmas.
This isn't your fault and it isn't the actions of a normal, sober person. He probably hasnt even thought about the impact on you and is in the thick of his addiction.
He probably will turn up at some point but you can't control that and worrying isn't going to speed up his return. Easier said than done I know but it helped me to remember worrying was just making me ill. That and coming here.
After a while, I used the time of him going AWOL to think about whether I wanted this from a relationship. Only you can decide what you want but I decided as much as I loved, and still love, my XABF, I couldn't cope with living with someone who caused me so much stress and anguish, even if he didn't mean to.
I hope you find a way to cope, whatever you decide. Happy Christmas.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 94
I would just add that the disappearing doesn't necessarily end after drinking stops, even though he is working recovery...that he could vanish on me sober somehow makes it hurt even more. It doesn't stop. I thought it would.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
Hi everyone, and Merry Christmas to you all.
Thanks for the posts.
He turned up yesterday. He's been honest, our argument set him off and he's been on a bender.
Today he has been ill, shakes, sweats, vomiting etc so the day was kinda ruined.
ive got some thinking to do.
ill repost tomorrow when he isnt about and ive had a think.
A million thanks to everyone who took the time to read, respond and care.
Thanks for the posts.
He turned up yesterday. He's been honest, our argument set him off and he's been on a bender.
Today he has been ill, shakes, sweats, vomiting etc so the day was kinda ruined.
ive got some thinking to do.
ill repost tomorrow when he isnt about and ive had a think.
A million thanks to everyone who took the time to read, respond and care.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by scacra1 
Hi everyone, and Merry Christmas to you all.
Thanks for the posts.
He turned up yesterday. He's been honest, our argument set him off and he's been on a bender.
Today he has been ill, shakes, sweats, vomiting etc so the day was kinda ruined.
ive got some thinking to do.
ill repost tomorrow when he isnt about and ive had a think.
A million thanks to everyone who took the time to read, respond and care.
Thanks for the posts.
He turned up yesterday. He's been honest, our argument set him off and he's been on a bender.
Today he has been ill, shakes, sweats, vomiting etc so the day was kinda ruined.
ive got some thinking to do.
ill repost tomorrow when he isnt about and ive had a think.
A million thanks to everyone who took the time to read, respond and care.
Hope you have a great Christmas regardless.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 81
((Hugs)) Scacra, thank you for the update.
He may be being honest that he was on a bender, but be careful about the part about the argument being the cause. This makes a person walk on eggshells in the future, trying not to tip them off and then feeling partly or wholly to blame next time it happens. He was drinking more than he should before you had the confrontation, his full intention was to drink.
"He said he felt he couldn't do anything right, he was trying like you wouldn't believe, but it was never enough, and that he had done everything i asked."
He wasn't really trying. What he wanted to do was drink. He hadn't done what you had asked, at all. And he knows it. And now he's using the argument as the "reason" he went overboard.
I'm totally new to this too (learning the right ways to react, because I've reacted with arguments and "this is not normal" and pretty much everything you described also), but what I've learned so far from SR members' great wisdom is that we have to respond differently in the future (detachment techniques that you can learn in AlAnon). And then to not take on the blame for what they choose to do.
I recently told my axbf (who is still my friend, or was, I believe the alcohol has completely possessed him at this point to where I don't know where that man is anymore inside) that because of his repeated acts of abandonment, the next time it happens, we couldn't speak for 7 days. If he went AWOL again after that, it would bump up to 14 days, after that, don't ever call me again. DISCLAIMER: I'm not saying making this kind of threats was a wise thing to say or do, but because I said it in the heat of passion and exasperation (in my ignorance of the best ways to deal with this issue), I had to keep my word or risk not being respected and just walked all over, or get sucked into manipulation again. So I held him to 7 days no contact. Well, he has not reached out since that (10 days ago), and he has not been answering calls from his family and never showed up for their Christmas events. But I refuse to blame myself for his choice to not only ignore me completely but also "punish" his family by escaping into comatosity (and I suspect crack is back in the picture). He would have found any reason to do so. I had the right to keep my word, and he had the choice whether to go to detox like he promised he was going to do (yeah right), or to continue drinking and put his entire family through hell again (he missed Thanksgiving and a few recent birthday dinners too).
I'm only now realizing that all his reasons he would point to were easy cop-outs for rationalizing the drinking, and that for each of those reasons, he was actually already drinking problematically before these issues existed. He drank problematically no matter how much love, care, support, attention, forgiveness, encouragement or financial contribution I gave him, either.
Bottom line, active addict wants to keep using, wants to protect his ability to use, will go to great lengths to ensure he can keep using, will try to rationalize why he's using (when full on denial is not convenient or possible).
What's helped me the most is to realize this has nothing to do with me, and I actually can't change or make a difference. I can love and care, but I have to learn which ways to express love and care, and how to respond to the things I really can't control or change.
Also, there's no way he can manage his drinking to where it doesn't hurt an affect anybody.
The "toughen up" stuff for me was to actually accept the reality that so long as he's in active addiction, he's in a relationship first with his DOC (drug(s) of choice). His work, family, faith, his health, me, and ALL other responsibilities (including his own life/survival) will come a distant place until he inside decides to find recovery. If this happens, I will still need to be in a distant place priority wise so he can focus on recovery and sobriety.
This doesn't mean he doesn't love you or have love for you, it means he is powerless over his addiction and needs help.
It's hard. We're on your team, girl.
He may be being honest that he was on a bender, but be careful about the part about the argument being the cause. This makes a person walk on eggshells in the future, trying not to tip them off and then feeling partly or wholly to blame next time it happens. He was drinking more than he should before you had the confrontation, his full intention was to drink.
"He said he felt he couldn't do anything right, he was trying like you wouldn't believe, but it was never enough, and that he had done everything i asked."
He wasn't really trying. What he wanted to do was drink. He hadn't done what you had asked, at all. And he knows it. And now he's using the argument as the "reason" he went overboard.
I'm totally new to this too (learning the right ways to react, because I've reacted with arguments and "this is not normal" and pretty much everything you described also), but what I've learned so far from SR members' great wisdom is that we have to respond differently in the future (detachment techniques that you can learn in AlAnon). And then to not take on the blame for what they choose to do.
I recently told my axbf (who is still my friend, or was, I believe the alcohol has completely possessed him at this point to where I don't know where that man is anymore inside) that because of his repeated acts of abandonment, the next time it happens, we couldn't speak for 7 days. If he went AWOL again after that, it would bump up to 14 days, after that, don't ever call me again. DISCLAIMER: I'm not saying making this kind of threats was a wise thing to say or do, but because I said it in the heat of passion and exasperation (in my ignorance of the best ways to deal with this issue), I had to keep my word or risk not being respected and just walked all over, or get sucked into manipulation again. So I held him to 7 days no contact. Well, he has not reached out since that (10 days ago), and he has not been answering calls from his family and never showed up for their Christmas events. But I refuse to blame myself for his choice to not only ignore me completely but also "punish" his family by escaping into comatosity (and I suspect crack is back in the picture). He would have found any reason to do so. I had the right to keep my word, and he had the choice whether to go to detox like he promised he was going to do (yeah right), or to continue drinking and put his entire family through hell again (he missed Thanksgiving and a few recent birthday dinners too).
I'm only now realizing that all his reasons he would point to were easy cop-outs for rationalizing the drinking, and that for each of those reasons, he was actually already drinking problematically before these issues existed. He drank problematically no matter how much love, care, support, attention, forgiveness, encouragement or financial contribution I gave him, either.
Bottom line, active addict wants to keep using, wants to protect his ability to use, will go to great lengths to ensure he can keep using, will try to rationalize why he's using (when full on denial is not convenient or possible).
What's helped me the most is to realize this has nothing to do with me, and I actually can't change or make a difference. I can love and care, but I have to learn which ways to express love and care, and how to respond to the things I really can't control or change.
Also, there's no way he can manage his drinking to where it doesn't hurt an affect anybody.
The "toughen up" stuff for me was to actually accept the reality that so long as he's in active addiction, he's in a relationship first with his DOC (drug(s) of choice). His work, family, faith, his health, me, and ALL other responsibilities (including his own life/survival) will come a distant place until he inside decides to find recovery. If this happens, I will still need to be in a distant place priority wise so he can focus on recovery and sobriety.
This doesn't mean he doesn't love you or have love for you, it means he is powerless over his addiction and needs help.
It's hard. We're on your team, girl.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your holidays? Watching some drunk puke and sleep all day? Seems to me there must be a better way, a better relationship for you. Love is not supposed to hurt like this.
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