Holiday Triggers

Old 12-23-2012, 07:20 AM
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Holiday Triggers

Sunday, December 23, 2012

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Holiday Triggers

One year, when I was a child, my father got drunk and violent at Christmas. I had just unwrapped a present, a bottle of hand lotion, when he exploded in an alcoholic rage. Our Christmas was disrupted. It was terrible. It was frightening for the whole family. Now, thirty-five years later, whenever I smell hand lotion, I immediately feel all the feelings I did that Christmas: the fear, the disappointment, the heartache, the helplessness, and an instinctive desire to control.
—Anonymous

There are many positive triggers that remind us of Christmas: snow, decorations, "Silent Night," "Jingle Bells," wrapped packages, a nativity scene, stockings hung on a fireplace. These "triggers" can evoke in us the warm, nostalgic feelings of the Christmas celebration.

There are other kinds of triggers, though, that may be less apparent and evoke different feelings and memories.

Our mind is like a powerful computer. It links sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste with feelings, thoughts, and memories. It links our senses - and we remember.

Sometimes the smallest, most innocuous incident can trigger memories. Not all our memories are pleasant, especially if we grew up in an alcoholic, dysfunctional setting.

We may not understand why we suddenly feel afraid, depressed, and anxious. We may not understand what has triggered our codependent coping behaviors - the low self worth, the need to control, the need to neglect ourselves. When that happens, we need to understand that some innocuous event may be triggering memories recorded deep within us.

If something, even something we don't understand, triggers painful memories, we can pull ourselves back into the present by self care: acknowledging our feelings, detaching, working the Steps, and affirming ourselves. We can take action to feel good. We can help ourselves feel better each Christmas. No matter what the past held, we can put it in perspective, and create a more pleasant holiday today.

Today, I will gently work through my memories of this holiday season. I will accept my feelings, even if I consider them different than what others are feeling this holiday. God, help me let go, heal from, and release the painful memories surrounding the holidays. Help me finish my business from the past, so I can create the holiday of my choice.
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Old 12-23-2012, 06:15 PM
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Wow, I think I just figured out a trigger from this post from when I was about 9 my step-dad at the time had bought my brother who is 2 years younger than me a new bike for Christmas, our dad had gotten my brother a simple lil train set and step-dad got so mad because brother was so happy over the train set that he stomped it to pieces and beat my brother.

So glad those days are over now to work through the memories and let it go.
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Old 12-23-2012, 08:17 PM
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(((Angie)))

Your honesty is truly inspiring. Real and true honesty, no matter how painful, will keep you on the right path. It's the one of the qualities a person can have. <3
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Old 12-24-2012, 09:28 AM
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Thank yor for posting this. I didn't remember many Happy Christmas moments growing up either.

My mother had me at an early age and we were very poor. I remember being at my grandparents (also poor) when I was very young and another young relative was there.

One of the local organization knocked on the door Christmas Eve and gave the young relative a tricycle. They looked at me and said we didn't know you were here or we would have brought you one too.

At school the teachers would ask each student what they had received for Christmas and I would lie about receiving gifts, I could not understand why Santa gave so much to some children and I was receiving nothing. I felt like I was doing something very bad and I wasn't really sure what it was. To this day I am not fond of telling children that Santa brings gifts. I taught my children that Santa was the spirit and goodwill towards others during this season. The gifts came from me.

My mother gets angry when any of my siblings tries to talk about our past and our poverty. But, all of us are just trying to come to terms with it, no blame. Communication in our family is still difficult sometimes!

I started school at 5 and had a birthday soon after. The teacher was startled that I did not know it was my birthday - but I had never been told and it was not celebrated.

As an adult my experience has made me aware of the many children growing up in poverty and my husband and I are generous givers.

My belief is that as hard as I had 'it' my mother had 'it' harder!
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Old 12-24-2012, 09:45 AM
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow View Post
(((Angie)))

Your honesty is truly inspiring. Real and true honesty, no matter how painful, will keep you on the right path. It's the one of the qualities a person can have. <3
oops should have said -

One of the best and honorable qualities a persona can have.
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Old 12-24-2012, 10:06 AM
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For years I had my kids clean out their rooms and closets - a couple of weeks before Christmas, clothes, toys, etc. and we brought bags and bags to a battered woman's shelter on Christmas eve. My kids really enjoyed the spirit of giving in those days. In many ways my motivation was to - clean out their rooms for more stuff they really didn't need and the battered womans shelter fit my plan perfectly.

My mom always went way over board for Christmas and unfortunately I kept up the same tradition. I have pictures of Christmas' where you can hardly see the tree because of all the presents. Looking back, I think all the "spoiling" that went on in our traditions was so unhealthy. Money, presents and trips symbolized love in my family. It was an unhealthy message and an unhealthy tradition. In hind sight, I see where my own ego played a huge part in my "act of giving."

The true meaning of Christmas, family gatherings and the joy of giving were lost in materialism. This year, it is going to be very simple.
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Old 12-24-2012, 10:20 AM
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LMN,
Today my family's situation is much better financially and my mother has gone to the extreme of my growing up. She totally goes over board and our family Christmas includes her great grands. I'm the oldest of six - that gives you an idea of how large our family is - we rent a community center each year to have our party.

I know it is from guilt bought on by poverty in our earlier years! We have tried to get her to slow down and each year she says she is - that doesn't last long!

Several of my siblings and I just give her money - so she can start shopping for the next year! She is getting much older so it has to stop sooner or later!!

My hubby and I have scaled way back this year to a much simplier Christmas - I'm looking inward - and giving thanks to my constant, however slow, one step forward to my recovery and inner peace.

(((huggs and blessings for us all)))
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Old 12-24-2012, 10:23 AM
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hmmm, one year my parents had a big fight Christmas morning. My dad had worked all night and was way overtired. Not an excuse but.... At that time, I used to love to wear his tshirts and I had one on and had it pulled over my knees. He kind of snapped at me and my mom came to my defense because she always bought him new tshirts for Christmas. They ended up in a big fight and I always blamed myself for ruining Christmas that year. It was always easier to blame myself then thinking my dad was not the hero I wanted and needed him to be.

Christmas morning felt ruined. Christmas day was stressful because no one would talk to my father because we were all mad at him for acting like a jerk. That was our last Christmas all together. My parents divorced the following year. I viewed my father as emotionally and verbally abusive toward my mother. Maybe thats why I picked the battered woman's shelter??

Boy, I haven't thought of that Christmas in years and ouch, it is still painful. I never realized I am still mad at my dad for that day and how I took his shame for him.
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