Will69

Hi, have discovered this site in the last few days and am very impressed.
I have, after far too long accepted that I have an issue with drink. I have never really been a daily drinker, but have developed a pattern of being on the wagon, falling off the wagon over 20 odd years, I am now in my 40's.
I have always had a problem with the 'on/off' switch, but because with a little effort I can often stop drinking before I lose where the switch is ( 4 or 5 drinks), I have convinced myself time and time again that I can moderate.
blackouts are the problem. I have 'only' had about 6 or 7 this year, but they have come at the end of short but pretty brutal drinking sessions and their psychological effects are getting worse.
I have had blackouts for 20 years, done it all. Driven, damaged, argued, been with the wrong people. I get away with it though, I am funny on the way to drunkenness and sometimes amusing when I get there. But I have done some pretty bad stuff.
I blacked out a week ago with a group of drinking guys who I don't know too well and ended up wandering around my town, alone and in a mess, at 4.00 am. Major problems caused at home, remember nothing. Particularly bad feelings of shame/hopelessness/surrender? It is the umpteenth time I have been there.
I have been told along the way 'just cut down/drink more slowly' but they may be weeks or months apart, the blackouts just come back.
I have a great family and a tough but sometimes rewarding job working often with addicts of all types.
I have my own issues from my youth with an alcoholic Dad. I am seeing someone about anxiety/panic....which I am realising has not been helped by the booze. Can't see myself going to AA as probably too prescriptive.
Not had a drink for a week, have been obsessing about a glass of wine with Christmas dinner, so will probably miss that as want it too much!

Should I go and see someone and give up or give up on my own. I don't understand properly the nature of my problem.

Any responses gratefully received.

Michael66

Hi Will,

Many of us here have learned to hard slow way we can't consistently moderate our drinking.

I'm not in AA myself, but I wonder if you've dismissed it too quickly. Why not give it a go and see what you think. Looking back I wish I had gone a long time ago (I knew very little about it, and probably had some prejudices). If I, God forbid, started drinking again, or if I thought I might be about to start, I would go to AA now.

LadyinBC

I tried moderating, didn't work. Tried just doing it on the weekends, didn't work. Tried quitting on my own, didn't work. When I would quit before I was lost as to what I should or was suppose to do.

I personally think you should go see someone. It can't hurt. I saw a drug and alcohol counsellor and he was a lifesaver. It really helped me to talk to someone and he sent me to programs I could go to. They really helped me understand better what I was going thru.

instant

Stopping does not seem to be your issue, but staying stopped seems a challenge?

If you have not read the Big Book you might find it helpful (I do not go to AA)

Dee74

welcome Will

I read your post...

problems with stopping once you start, on and off the wagon over 20 years blackouts, bad decisions, destruction, fights, hanging with the wrong people, and getting away with it - though less and less as the years wear on? problems at home, feelings of shame/hopelessness/surrender?

sounds exactly like the same problems I had Will. I think most of us can identify actually

Call it what you like, but it will destroy your life and your relationships if you let it.

It really makes no difference whether it's 6 times a year or 6 times a week - I've done both.

I guess it comes down now to what you are prepared to do about it - you can see a Dr or a counsellor, check out any number of recovery programmes, do inpatient or outpatient rehab....

but do something - problems like ours just don't get better I'm afraid.

Coming here is a good start

D

Will69

Thanks for the responses.
More sense and guidance than had expected to get, so quickly.
I have spoken to a Doctor, and a counsellor, though many years go. I did not talk about the after effects of the bingeing, the feelings and thoughts. Perhaps I was not straight with them as I was not being straight with myself.
Have had a bit of a crash course since discovering this site, had never thought that others would feel the loathing and despondency that goes with falling down again.
Thanks again.

hamabi

Why not talk to yet another Doctor and another counsellor and give them a more complete picture of your drinking amounts and behavior?

Let them know you have the recurring fantasy that your are sure you can drink safely, have tried unsuccessfully to stop for 20 years, are suffering from blackouts often, and are personally very sure that you don't belong in AA.

Then do what they suggest.

wpainterw

Will69: Sounds like you tell a familiar story. Are you in a place where there is a variety of AA meetings? You say that AA is "too prescriptive" (does that mean "too many rules"?) for you. First of all, in many places, particularly metropolitan areas, there are many kinds of meetings. I didn't find any really "prescriptive" or rule oriented and it was my impression that this issue arises largely with a particular sponsor. You don't have to get a sponsor at the beginning, or ever, if you don't want to. I had one but only briefly. I relied instead on the group and have 24 years plus of sobriety. But that's not to say that a sponsor is not advisable. Only that it makes a big difference who it is and whether the arrangement is congenial (maybe not "too prescriptive" in your case). Why not give AA a try for awhile and see how it goes. If not, then ask your counselor about other support groups. I found it nearly impossible to attain sobriety alone or even with counseling. I needed companionship from a group. Good luck.

W.

sugarbear1

You aren't ready for AA, try searching the websites for these methods:

Rational Recovery
AVRT
SMART
Power to Quit
Life Ring
Women for Sobriety

Something will click!

tomsteve

"I don't understand properly the nature of my problem."

i think this should help you in determining if you should get help or give up on your own.
dont feel bad. self knowledge didnt help me and getting the help from people who had been in my shoes was a great solution for me.

wpainterw

I can't take it upon myself to say whether you are "ready" for AA or indeed any of the other alternative programs. Only you can say that. As to whether AA is "ready" for you, I suggest that you take literally the statement that "the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking."
I espouse no particular cause or program and can speak only as to what seemed to have worked for me. Your story seems very familiar to me with what I've been through. But who am I to say what a person "should" or "should not" do? Good luck.

W.

sugarbear1

my keyboard didn't put in the "IF"

and I read it WITH the IF.

LadyinBC

I know I wasn't straight with anyone when I was drinking. When I finally saw the counsellor I was pretty honest about what had been going on. They can't help you if you're not honest. It's also important to find someone you click with. If you don't like the first counsellor you see then see someone else. I trust mine and feel comfortable telling him things I don't tell anyone else.

Will69

Thanks again to all for taking the trouble to share their experiences and knowledge.
I am going to see a counsellor, I have been seeing a counsellor for a little while due to what I perceived to be 'straightforward' issues with anxiety and negative feelings. I raised the alcohol issue with her after my last binge and she suggested seeing someone about it. I suppose it has been the 'elephant in the room'.
I managed to get through a longish family gathering yesterday without booze. It was low-key and relaxed, but it is the first time I did not take the opportunity to drink in such a situation in memory.
Thanks again.