Need Advice about AH & his problems
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Osage beach, mo
Posts: 1
Need Advice about AH & his problems
My husbands past and present is destroying our marriage. In the 17 yrs I've known my husband, I've learned this about his past. His father wasn't a real "Hands On Dad". He rarely made it to his son's games, had a very stern way of parenting and wasn't all that lovable but did love his children. He had a stay-home Mom who did his laundry, made sure meals were on the table and loved him, his siblings and husband unconditionally.
After a family trip to a popular lake, when my husband was only 18, his father had a massive heart attack and died during a fishing excursion. He was air-lifted to a near by hospital where he was prounced dead. His mother was flown to the hospital with his father but the four children had to drive there unfamiliar with what had happened and the severity. As one can imagine, the family was a mess. His mother had a melt down and asked my husband to confirm his death plus make all of the funeral arrangements (Yes, all at the age 18).
Over a period of time and some before we knew each other, his mother tried to commit suicide four times and each time she would call him to say she had did it. After the fourth time my husband got pretty resentful of it and stopped worrying about it.
About 5 yrs after our marriage, his Mom had an Eye-Opening experience after a car accident. To this day she tells us that she fell asleep at the wheel but we know that she had been drinking and driving. She drinks rarely now but her current husband is an alcohlic.
In February 2012, my husband's youngest brother (31) died from liver failure and a heart-attack. He was an alcohlic and drank up to a 1/2 gallon of vodka every day. Needless to say, his mother is overcome with grief. His sister is also a big drinker and goes out partying with her husband and Aunt, also in the same family.
Obviously, theres a pattern here. In the 14 yrs of marriage, we've had several arguments over alcohol. I don't drink and he drinks too much. I have lost all patience for him and feel that he needs to put his son above everything else (as I do). After an evening of being with family and/or friends and him drinking too much, it always ends horribly. Usually starts with him laughing and acting stupid to being mean and hurtful at the end. Lately its been that way alot and in front of our 8 yr old son. I ask him polietly to talk about things later and he never complys. Not to mention, he's constantly mentioning to his son that his Dad died at 41 so he only has about a year left.
Just this evening, he had asked for a divorce and has made it hell for my son and I. After refusing to give him the keys to drive 2.5 hours home, he has damaged our truck (which is new).
How do I make this man realize he has to see someone and understand his problem with alcohol not to mention depression? I'm desperate for advice.
Thank you
After a family trip to a popular lake, when my husband was only 18, his father had a massive heart attack and died during a fishing excursion. He was air-lifted to a near by hospital where he was prounced dead. His mother was flown to the hospital with his father but the four children had to drive there unfamiliar with what had happened and the severity. As one can imagine, the family was a mess. His mother had a melt down and asked my husband to confirm his death plus make all of the funeral arrangements (Yes, all at the age 18).
Over a period of time and some before we knew each other, his mother tried to commit suicide four times and each time she would call him to say she had did it. After the fourth time my husband got pretty resentful of it and stopped worrying about it.
About 5 yrs after our marriage, his Mom had an Eye-Opening experience after a car accident. To this day she tells us that she fell asleep at the wheel but we know that she had been drinking and driving. She drinks rarely now but her current husband is an alcohlic.
In February 2012, my husband's youngest brother (31) died from liver failure and a heart-attack. He was an alcohlic and drank up to a 1/2 gallon of vodka every day. Needless to say, his mother is overcome with grief. His sister is also a big drinker and goes out partying with her husband and Aunt, also in the same family.
Obviously, theres a pattern here. In the 14 yrs of marriage, we've had several arguments over alcohol. I don't drink and he drinks too much. I have lost all patience for him and feel that he needs to put his son above everything else (as I do). After an evening of being with family and/or friends and him drinking too much, it always ends horribly. Usually starts with him laughing and acting stupid to being mean and hurtful at the end. Lately its been that way alot and in front of our 8 yr old son. I ask him polietly to talk about things later and he never complys. Not to mention, he's constantly mentioning to his son that his Dad died at 41 so he only has about a year left.
Just this evening, he had asked for a divorce and has made it hell for my son and I. After refusing to give him the keys to drive 2.5 hours home, he has damaged our truck (which is new).
How do I make this man realize he has to see someone and understand his problem with alcohol not to mention depression? I'm desperate for advice.
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Southern California
Posts: 365
IMHO... The only way to get his attention would be to leave him and even that might not be enough... He is only going to stop drinking if he wants to stop, you are not going to have any success trying to force him to stop. I'm not saying to do that, you have to decide what is best for you, however the only thing that got my attention was my wife stating she was leaving if I didn't get help... Even with that I just happened to be ready or I probably would have chosen the alcohol (as sick as that sounds). I have relapsed a few times and it has hurt our relationship and the relationship I have with my three boys, but fortunately for my family, other than a few relapses, I have been sober most of my adult life... I feel for you but you need to understand you can't fix him. He has to want to fix himself. You might want to check out al-anon... Perhaps it would help give you some direction. I wish there was an easy answer but alcohol destroys lives and no one could fix me until I was ready to be fixed... My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family...
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
I am sorry you are dealing with this. My daughter was pretty well ready to kick me to the curb. Unfortuately it is like Wifi says the person who drinks is the only one that can stop and they have to want to.
I come from an alcoholic home also (no excuse for my drinking) so I know what it is like to live with one that is mean.
You should see about some Al-Anon meetings for you and maybe it wouldn't hurt to seek counselling for you and your son.
I come from an alcoholic home also (no excuse for my drinking) so I know what it is like to live with one that is mean.
You should see about some Al-Anon meetings for you and maybe it wouldn't hurt to seek counselling for you and your son.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome Mng 
I'm sorry for your situation. I wish I knew the answer to give you - most of my experience is one the 'other side' tho - I'm an alcoholic - unfortunately noone could tell me anything, or convince me of anything until I was ready to change.
There's a lot you can do for yourself and your son tho - al anon is a great suggestion.
I can also recommend our Family and Friends forums here - further down on the main SR forum page - you'll find a lot of experience and support down there as well.
D
I'm sorry for your situation. I wish I knew the answer to give you - most of my experience is one the 'other side' tho - I'm an alcoholic - unfortunately noone could tell me anything, or convince me of anything until I was ready to change.
There's a lot you can do for yourself and your son tho - al anon is a great suggestion.
I can also recommend our Family and Friends forums here - further down on the main SR forum page - you'll find a lot of experience and support down there as well.
D
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