avocado

and it's the same old story...

idiotic binge drinking for several days up to an entire week. This past week I was arrested on my way home after downing probably 6 espresso martinis at the bar. The cops cited me for public intoxication and brought me to the hospital. The nurse said my blood test on arriving was .29. They kept me hooked to an IV for about 10 hours then it finally went below .10 and they let me go. They were nice to me so I think that helped me feel better.

On my way home, I stopped at the police station and got my car keys, which they must have taken to prevent me from driving in case the hospital let me go early. After leaving there I walked straight to the bar and drank for about 4 hours, then went home. I guess I needed to drink to ease my anxiety of what happened.

This is my third public intoxication of the year. Luckily, it only gives you a fine where I live, but what if next time I do something totally stupid, or hurt myself, or worse? That question is the prime reason I need to stop, because I know 'rock bottom' is on the horizon and I have too much to live for.

A relative if mine is currently in a mental hospital due to drinking and breaking the rules of her court-ordered rehab. She is about 6 years older than me. I don't want to get to that level, so I am here once again seeking help.

I recently lost my job (not alcohol-related) and am planning to travel around the country in the spring when my lease is up and try to find somehere cool to stay and get a job. I want to be sober for this. I want to do great things in my life, like start a business. However, I've tried to quit about 10 times this year and obviously I failed - the longest sober stretch being in May when I did not drink a drop.

Right now I feel really bad about my life. I have tremendous guilt that I know is just an illusion. I feel like I'm letting myself down, and my parents.

Well, anyway. Saturday the 21st was my 'day one' this time around. I know new years eve is coming, so it's quite possible that january 1st is my day 1. However, I hope I don't drink that night, but I think it's a distinct possibility.

Sorry for the long-winded rant, but I needed to get this off my chest.

Thank you

Impurrfect

((avocado)) - Welcome back to SR! Instead of thinking that 1/1/13 is your first day, maybe stick around here...get some f2f support and stick with today?

Trust me, I had all KINDS of "get clean days" when I was using. I soon found out that there was no day better than the one I was living, but it took the folks here to point that out

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

sofie

What helped you in May with your success? Is there someone who can offer support to you?
It sounds like you have a wonderful and exciting future ahead of you, but it sounds like from your post that alcohol kind of gets you off track. Just some thoughts that hit me. Best thoughts to you...

CaiHong

Hi Avocado,

I get this distinct feeling that you have not really surrendered. I understand you hate all the bad things associated with alcohol and see yourself sliding down further if you continue drinking but I sense you are not fully convinced.

There is a lot of living today and I agree, can't do it drunk. I am staying sober using the AA 12 step program and SR.. Could not have done it without a program.
I like to travel, thinking next holidays to travel and do meetings along the way.
I hope you really get to thelace where sobriety is number one in your life and give it the priority it deserves from there all else follows
Love
CaiHong

avocado

In May I just exercised willpower after a particularly bad binge. The thing is, stopping for a month isn't a problem, and when I did start up again a friend called me to meet him at the bar. I had already decided that if I could quit for a month, then I'd be able to control my drinking, but like other times, within about a week I was back to being an idiot.

I don't really have anyone that I can go to for direct support. Though, my friends agree I should stop, tonight one of them actually called me to go to the bar, and when I told him I took some OTC sleeping pills and then mentioned my recent hospital visit, he said maybe I need to quit drinking; drinking's not for me.

I'd like to consider this day 1 of my sobriety, but I don't want to basically guarantee feeling bad about drinking on the 31st, in case the good chance happens that I do. But, I know if I can avoid it, I will be happier.

Dee74

welcome back - Some great advice here avocado

I think we can do better than hope we don't drink - if we're prepared to put the work in, and make a few changes, we won't drink

for a start, why not hang around here a little more?

D

avocado

I am going to hang around here this time and I know it will help. The funny thing is, I got an email from this site on my birthday, and then that was the night that began this recent binge episode. Also, many times I tried to quit this year I found this site again via googling for ideas about quitting, but I was too lazy to reset my password (or that's the excuse I made for myself). But I thought nothing of walking the 5 blocks to the nearest bar all those times, which is obviously more work.

sofie

Sometimes really do happen for a reason and when I am sober and pay attention, sometimes I can actually see what the reason might be. A new day for you!

sofie

Oops- I meant things really do happen for a reason...my thoughts got away from me or my typing is the pits or both!

TTBABP

avocado - glad you are posting. I certainly do not want to be "preachy" but I do think maybe you are setting yourelf up for a self fulfilling prophecy or giving yourself a little out if you do drink on the 31st. I hope you do not but whatever you do I wish you sucees and hope to see you around here a lot.

avocado

So many times this year I've said to myself that the bad things that happened were for a reason and that reason was to make me quit once and for all, but then obviously I went back. I feel like such an idiot.

sofie

You are not an idiot- I try to make it a daily habit to do something positive for myself and try to be as positive as I can be and let some of the past go unless I need to think of something horrific that reminds me of why I can't drink...I don't know if that helps at all...

MemphisBlues

Have you thought about asking for help? Not just trying to do it on your own? Most disturbing is your plan to drink on New year's Eve. If you keep digging, you may be like me and find a bottom that's very difficult to climb out of.

If there is on certainty about alcoholism is that it is a progressive disease. It gets worse. It can get much, much worse.

Thanks for posting.

Wifi

I agree with TTBABP that it sounds like you have already decided to drink on the 31st... You don't have to go to the depths of hell to hit bottom like some of us have had to. You wouldn't believe the crap I have been through due to drinking but you need to surrender completely. My sponser likes to say you hit bottom when you stop digging. So stop digging! Have you thought about going to an AA meeting or perhaps some other form of recovery? Good luck to you. I hope you don't have to go through what I did to find your bottom.

Sapling

I have a brother that quits drinking January 1st every year....I think he's done it for 10 years. He hasn't gotten as bad as I did yet. I was given the gift of desperation...Luckily before it killed me....He's not done yet....But he'll get there...Or it will kill him. I've seen how this progresses. You've probably seen it yourself...If you looked. I don't care how you get sober...But until you get to that point where you can't live like that anymore...You get that gift of being desperate enough to do whatever it takes and you commit to some kind of recovery plan....It will probably be another New Years.

instant

Glad you came back. Surrender unconditionally to sobriety and your life can change

SeekSobriety

Hello, thanks for posting.
It sounds like you know you are pretty lucky at this point for not having been killed or having killed anyone yet from your drinking, driving etc.

This might be the last "Chance" you have. I strongly recommend that you get a referral for some in patient or intensive outpatient Rehab. This is no joke.

You are having a "Moment of Clarity" now, I would strongly suggest you take the initiative and follow through on getting yourself the help you need.

Can you speak frankly with your Doctor and ask for help? If not, I am sure there are some phone numbers for assistance which may available in your area.

Just my two cents,

-Seek

2granddaughters

Have you gone to AA meetings? I find if I go to a meeting that I don't drink.

All the best.

Bob R

hamabi

Hope that after the 1st of the year it works out the way you want it to and you suddenly feel differently about staying sober than you have felt to this point in your life.

Realistically though, it's like expecting that you will cross an arbitrary point in time and will thereafter like the vegetables that have always disgusted you. Possible, but unlikely.

If you do come away from another horrible drinking experience and don't want to drink again, perhaps seizing the idea that not making yourself very sick is a good thing and one you want to immediately pursue at that time.

Waiting until the intense suffering of the week fades away and the desire to drink again has returned makes it harder sometimes.

sugarbear1

Meetings in Bethlehem

Lots of sober things to do with other sober people!