Boyfriend in rehab - what to say when he gets out
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 14
Boyfriend in rehab - what to say when he gets out
My boyfriend has finally gone to rehab (this will be his 3rd time). First time, he managed to stay sober for a few years, 2nd time he relapsed right after getting out of rehab. This time the circumstances are a bit different - as he decided to go on his own. (1st time it was because of a DUI, 2nd time it was because landlord said she would evict him if he didn't go to rehab)
Since I have limited contact with him while he is in rehab, I was thinking of writing him e-mails to read when he gets out. I just want to let him know that I am thinking about him, that I miss him, and that I completely support his decision to go to rehab.
So I started writing an e-mail and I found myself wanting to say certain things that I don't know if I should say!
I was telling him that I have an entire mixed bag of emotions about him going to rehab. I miss him, and am lonely without him, and at the same time I am so happy that he decided to get help.
But I also wanted to include something along the lines of: "I hope you don't take this the wrong way - but it is relaxing for me not to have to constantly worry all day long whether or not you will sneak off to the liquor store. I can take a shower without having to worry about you sneaking vodka while I'm in the shower. I just hope that you will commit to sobriety when you get back so we can live without the constant thought of alcohol on our minds - you craving it, and me worrying about you abusing it."
Is that appropriate? And on a more general note, I just don't know how much I should talk to him about his past drinking when he gets out. I don't want to say anything that will trigger a relapse, yet I want him to know how bad it was, so it will give him more reason NOT to go back to drinking.
Any thoughts?
Since I have limited contact with him while he is in rehab, I was thinking of writing him e-mails to read when he gets out. I just want to let him know that I am thinking about him, that I miss him, and that I completely support his decision to go to rehab.
So I started writing an e-mail and I found myself wanting to say certain things that I don't know if I should say!
I was telling him that I have an entire mixed bag of emotions about him going to rehab. I miss him, and am lonely without him, and at the same time I am so happy that he decided to get help.
But I also wanted to include something along the lines of: "I hope you don't take this the wrong way - but it is relaxing for me not to have to constantly worry all day long whether or not you will sneak off to the liquor store. I can take a shower without having to worry about you sneaking vodka while I'm in the shower. I just hope that you will commit to sobriety when you get back so we can live without the constant thought of alcohol on our minds - you craving it, and me worrying about you abusing it."
Is that appropriate? And on a more general note, I just don't know how much I should talk to him about his past drinking when he gets out. I don't want to say anything that will trigger a relapse, yet I want him to know how bad it was, so it will give him more reason NOT to go back to drinking.
Any thoughts?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Ziv,
I'm in the middle of a crisis with my alcoholic DS, so I feel like I don't have much to offer- but, wanted to say there is nothing you can say or do that will make him drink or not drink. He either will or he won't.
My 22 year old son just relapsed after 30 day rehab and six month sober living. He made it only a couple of weeks sober.
It's a depressing disease with a low cure rate. They have to really want it and work it.
I'm in the middle of a crisis with my alcoholic DS, so I feel like I don't have much to offer- but, wanted to say there is nothing you can say or do that will make him drink or not drink. He either will or he won't.
My 22 year old son just relapsed after 30 day rehab and six month sober living. He made it only a couple of weeks sober.
It's a depressing disease with a low cure rate. They have to really want it and work it.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I agree with the above poster: You aren't powerful enough to say or do anything to make him drink again.
Have you heard of the 3 C's of his addiction? They are:
You did not Cause it
You can not Control it
You will not Cure it
In Al Anon, I learned to accept the first step in my recovery. Step 1: I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable. By accepting my powerlessness, I am able to focus on things within my power; things like taking better care of myself, learning not to enable another person's addiction, and learning to love myself enough to stop accepting unacceptable behavior.
If writing is something you wish to do, then write it all out.
I kept a journal of my feelings, my emotions, my thoughts and my anger. I kept it for myself. It was also helpful to go back and re-read about where I was and determine if the cycle is still repeating itself.
Just because you write it all down, does not mean you have to share it with him. It is therapeutic just to get the feelings out. Sometimes that is enough to help us see things more clearly.
You can decide later if you want to share your feelings/thoughts with him.
Have you heard of the 3 C's of his addiction? They are:
You did not Cause it
You can not Control it
You will not Cure it
In Al Anon, I learned to accept the first step in my recovery. Step 1: I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable. By accepting my powerlessness, I am able to focus on things within my power; things like taking better care of myself, learning not to enable another person's addiction, and learning to love myself enough to stop accepting unacceptable behavior.
If writing is something you wish to do, then write it all out.
I kept a journal of my feelings, my emotions, my thoughts and my anger. I kept it for myself. It was also helpful to go back and re-read about where I was and determine if the cycle is still repeating itself.
Just because you write it all down, does not mean you have to share it with him. It is therapeutic just to get the feelings out. Sometimes that is enough to help us see things more clearly.
You can decide later if you want to share your feelings/thoughts with him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 14
Thank you for responding. I'm very sorry to hear about your situation, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
It's just such a horrible disease, isn't it? When I start thinking about it - I get so frustrated that there isn't more that can be done.
It's just such a horrible disease, isn't it? When I start thinking about it - I get so frustrated that there isn't more that can be done.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Many rehabs include sessions for friends and family.
Rather than worrying about what your feelings will do to him, maybe right now is a good time to think about what you want and make some decisions for you.
Wanted to communicate how bad it was when he was drinking is normal but unfortunately it's a bit of a classic 'double bind' - damned if you do, damned if you don't.
If the person is still actively drinking or wants to keep drinking you may as well talk to the wall, shame or guolt wont penetrate. If they are serious about wanting to recover then more guilt and shame are counterproductive.
All we can do is set boundaries that keep us safe and sane. What are you willing to live with and what aren't you? That's a good question to ask yourself...
Hang in there,
Rather than worrying about what your feelings will do to him, maybe right now is a good time to think about what you want and make some decisions for you.
Wanted to communicate how bad it was when he was drinking is normal but unfortunately it's a bit of a classic 'double bind' - damned if you do, damned if you don't.
If the person is still actively drinking or wants to keep drinking you may as well talk to the wall, shame or guolt wont penetrate. If they are serious about wanting to recover then more guilt and shame are counterproductive.
All we can do is set boundaries that keep us safe and sane. What are you willing to live with and what aren't you? That's a good question to ask yourself...
Hang in there,
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