The end game!!!!
Been there, done that!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: London
Posts: 539
The end game!!!!
Today is my 7th day sober again, the day started great but then my head started on me and all it's rubbish it regurgitates non stop lots of irrational fear of things that have not and maybe will not happen and then it starts the old you may as well drink because you screwed any way trick.But this time iam ready and know all the noise is just that so I pay no attention to it hada little pry time and decided to do something for someone else instead of constantly worrying about my life etc.
so I got this lovely big leather jacket with fur for an Xmas present for my dad who is also an alcoholic but nearing the end game, he left us when i was very young, I have not seen him in 6 months because iam always so concerned about how his state makes me feel.
I took my little girl with me his granddaughter who he has only only seen 2 times in her life she is nearly 3 years old now and when we arrived he was suprissed and happy he loved his present but he looked differant
He had a sadness in his eyes I have never seen when looking at us like look what alcohol has taken from me. His place was smelly and dirty he looked ill and his stare was very distant, bottles every where in whatnimcould only describe as his self made prison. Whilst i was sitting down he walked over to the door and touched it and asked do you hear that?? I said yeh I can hear you touching the door. He said no the voices telling me to go away from the door? I asked how long he had been hearing these voices and he said 6 months or so, so,I guess not only has alcohol taken his health his looks his family his friends it now decided thats not enough it wants his mind too..
I have given him a copy of the big book 6 months ago but he has never opened it, I have offered to take him to meetings hes not interested. I suppose I can't even help myself so what chance do I have helping him!!
so I got this lovely big leather jacket with fur for an Xmas present for my dad who is also an alcoholic but nearing the end game, he left us when i was very young, I have not seen him in 6 months because iam always so concerned about how his state makes me feel.
I took my little girl with me his granddaughter who he has only only seen 2 times in her life she is nearly 3 years old now and when we arrived he was suprissed and happy he loved his present but he looked differant
He had a sadness in his eyes I have never seen when looking at us like look what alcohol has taken from me. His place was smelly and dirty he looked ill and his stare was very distant, bottles every where in whatnimcould only describe as his self made prison. Whilst i was sitting down he walked over to the door and touched it and asked do you hear that?? I said yeh I can hear you touching the door. He said no the voices telling me to go away from the door? I asked how long he had been hearing these voices and he said 6 months or so, so,I guess not only has alcohol taken his health his looks his family his friends it now decided thats not enough it wants his mind too..
I have given him a copy of the big book 6 months ago but he has never opened it, I have offered to take him to meetings hes not interested. I suppose I can't even help myself so what chance do I have helping him!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by Lionhearted1 
I have given him a copy of the big book 6 months ago but he has never opened it, I have offered to take him to meetings hes not interested. I suppose I can't even help myself so what chance do I have helping him!!
All the best.
Bob R
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
It is very sad that your Dad is in that frame of mind and living in such a way. You gave him some time of happiness with your visit.
In my experience all the mental stuff settles down in time. I think it is part of what the Big Book calls "the obsession". I found learning a bit about AVRT and the "reptilian" mind useful. Believe me it does go away- but it did drive me nuts in the meantime.
In my experience all the mental stuff settles down in time. I think it is part of what the Big Book calls "the obsession". I found learning a bit about AVRT and the "reptilian" mind useful. Believe me it does go away- but it did drive me nuts in the meantime.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Sober State
Posts: 1,126
Wow, Lion...
I can so relate to your post. I'm sorry about your dad. My dad drank himself into an early grave at 55. My daughter was 1. I was angry at him for a long time.
I took him a bible 5 yrs before. We hadn't talked for yrs, too b/c of his drinking. He chose alcohol over me. (He threw me out on the street when I was 16)
My point is you can't save him but you can save yourself.
Yes, it hurts like hell. You can't change the past, you can't change HIS future but you can stop YOUR daughter from feeling that same pain & anger.
The voice in your head is a liar & the enemy. It's not you.
It will grow quieter over time until it becomes a faint whisper that has no power.
Keep fighting.
Congrats on a week.
I can so relate to your post. I'm sorry about your dad. My dad drank himself into an early grave at 55. My daughter was 1. I was angry at him for a long time.
I took him a bible 5 yrs before. We hadn't talked for yrs, too b/c of his drinking. He chose alcohol over me. (He threw me out on the street when I was 16)
My point is you can't save him but you can save yourself.
Yes, it hurts like hell. You can't change the past, you can't change HIS future but you can stop YOUR daughter from feeling that same pain & anger.
The voice in your head is a liar & the enemy. It's not you.
It will grow quieter over time until it becomes a faint whisper that has no power.
Keep fighting.
Congrats on a week.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
I'm sorry you had that experience, but it was brave of you to go visit him - knowing what you'd probably find. That does not ever have to be you, Lion. You can rise above this and have a great life, in spite of all that's happened.
Great job on your 7 days sober. Keep it going - you can do this.
Great job on your 7 days sober. Keep it going - you can do this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Hi Lion,
I am sorry about your dad, my dad died at 68 due to numerous illnesses most of which were brought on by alcohol and smoking. The last time he was in the hospital we think the doctor told him his liver was shot, but he never told anyone the details of the conversation.
I lived 3000 miles away when I got the call, and although I knew he was sick, I always thought I would have one more chance to see him. Though he made poor choices he. Ever hesitated to boast about how proud he was of me to friends and family, and he adored his grandchildren even though most of the contact he had with them was over the phone. He never was able to stop, and he paid for it with his life. I am glad I have the opportunity to be here for my children as they grow up.
You should feel proud of the choices you are making for your daughter.
I am sorry about your dad, my dad died at 68 due to numerous illnesses most of which were brought on by alcohol and smoking. The last time he was in the hospital we think the doctor told him his liver was shot, but he never told anyone the details of the conversation.
I lived 3000 miles away when I got the call, and although I knew he was sick, I always thought I would have one more chance to see him. Though he made poor choices he. Ever hesitated to boast about how proud he was of me to friends and family, and he adored his grandchildren even though most of the contact he had with them was over the phone. He never was able to stop, and he paid for it with his life. I am glad I have the opportunity to be here for my children as they grow up.
You should feel proud of the choices you are making for your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Lion:
I've been thinking over your post about your dad and I could not help recalling Dylan Thomas' beautiful poem to his father who was dying, "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night". It is indeed your dad who does "Rage, rage, against the dying of the light." You have done what you could do for him. And now you have yourself and your family. You can choose to go where Thomas, sadly, did not go, for, a few years after he composed that wondrous poem, he died, largely of alcohol, in New York City. I had heard him recite the poem two years before that. It was sad to lose such a man. Every good wish to you.
W.
I've been thinking over your post about your dad and I could not help recalling Dylan Thomas' beautiful poem to his father who was dying, "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night". It is indeed your dad who does "Rage, rage, against the dying of the light." You have done what you could do for him. And now you have yourself and your family. You can choose to go where Thomas, sadly, did not go, for, a few years after he composed that wondrous poem, he died, largely of alcohol, in New York City. I had heard him recite the poem two years before that. It was sad to lose such a man. Every good wish to you.
W.
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