CALYNN

Since I joined SR. Where did the time go? I guess I just don't remember most of it. Still in the same place I was when I joined (or worse). I hope the majority of people here are doing a lot better than I am. I haven't posted anything in a long time. I'm only posting now because I've been "visited" by lots of my dead relatives in my dreams lately. I think it's a sign (not a good one)...

ru12

I hope you stay around Calynn. What have you tried to do to get sober? I tried a lot of things before I found what worked for me. Life can be so much better if you get this poison on of it.

CALYNN

I haven't really done anything. Went to 2 AA meetings and have only been able to "quit" for 4 days a few times. I can't go to rehab because I'll lose my business and my home. I can't talk to anyone anymore. They're all tired of it since it's been going on so long. I really think I'm getting close to the end. I'm kind of looking forward to it. So glad you found something that works for you.

andisa

Nothing changes if nothing changes. The fear factor of being exposed is very real, I understand how that is. AA is completely anonymous and a good place to start, among others who aren't tired of hearing about you. When you get tired of trying to quit, you'll find motivation to quit. It may well be that we just have to be truly tired of it before we make the change. You can always talk to people here, good listening ears (eyes).

ru12

Talk to us. We understand what you are going through. For me, I had to stay in the present moment . . . this exact second. I knew that I could choose to not drink in this moment. Not drinking in the future was something that I couldn't even get my mind around, but sure, I could not drink right now. And then I just kept not drinking now.

If you can get to AA, perhaps you should give it a try. For me, just being around other people like me helped, especially in the beginning when I had little hope.

stepping

:ghug3 calynn - you can turn this around. if i can do it..you can too! there is hope!

stick around here. read and post often

2granddaughters

I went to 2 meetings a day in the beginning. You will get out of it what you put into it.

Finding yourself close to Hell is one thing, the most important thing is to be walking away from it.

If you went back to the AA meeting and walked up to an oldtimer and humbly asked "Will you please help me save my life" you would begin walking away from Hell.

I know. I did.

The ball is in your court, it's your serve. Surrender to AA and the oldtimers.
What do you have to lose ?? .....

All the best.

Bob R

CALYNN

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I wasn't really needing advice. Just finally came to the realization that nothing is going to change and I'm about done with it all. I know it's me, and therefore I have great hope for everyone else. Keep doing what you're doing!!!

least

That scares me. The fact that you seem willing to drink yourself to death one way or another. The fact that you seem to be alright with it. I was once in the same frame of mind. Thought I was hopeless, a loser, and destined to die a drunk. But I made some changes to my life and my mindset and now I'm three years happily sober. You can be happily sober too but you've got to change some things in your life. I hope you do. :ghug3

Dee74

I hope you decide to do something about it CALYNN

there is a better life and a better way to live out there...you deserve it...and you can do it, just as much as I did, or anyone else did here

I know you said you don't want advice but you came back here - some part of you must yearn for freedom?

Don't let your addiction resign you to living this way forever. Fight it.

D

Xune

It wasn't that long ago that I was trying to figure out how many years I could continue drinking and reasonably expect to live.

I had come up with a number of years based upon my own criteria and while working with a mind, body and spirit addicted to alcohol, it seemed quite reasonable to me.

I now know that such thoughts were from an incredibly sick mind.

I got well, you can too and you said you've tried everything? It seems that you haven't.

You're worried about your business, but not your life?

Perhaps you should visit your Doctor?

aasharon90

I'll lose my job. I'll lose my family. I'll
lose my car, possessions, etc. Many
material things that can be replaced,
but not so if I were dead.

I could have lost it all that very day I
called it quits and downed a hand full
of pain pills with a big gulp of alcohol.
"I guess i'll just end my life," is what I
told my spouse and he just told me no
ur not and just go to bed. Under my breath
I quietly said, "you dare me, i'll show you."
and off to bed I went with no intentions
of wanting to wake up in a few hours.

Red flags flew high leaving my little family
not knowing what to do with me and thus
called for help with the authorities coming
to escort me away to their police car and
off i went to the hospital.

That first night was in the crazy ward shocked
to see patiants shuffling across the floor and
hugging the walls and mumbling. So sad.

I was tested the next day passing all mental
test then to told I had a drinking problem and
was committed to stay in rehab for 2 weeks.
I eventually pleaded to stay where I was to
complete 28days so i wouldnt be sent away
from my little babies any longer than i had to.

Recovery has set me on a path to live each
day without drinking poison that would and
could erase everything from my life including
myself.

The longer I stayed sober and continued to
learn about my alcoholism and how it affects
others around me, the more grateful I am for
the gift of life and all the rewards promised me
thru out my journey.

Im 22 yrs sober and no, my journey in recovery
is by far not over. And at 50ish yrs old, im not
ready to die. I want to enjoy a new sober day
tomorrow. God Willing.

CALYNN

Thanks everyone for your posts and stories. I'm so happy for all of you. I know I could check into rehab and get sober. I just know I would be happier dead than homeless. I don't have anyone. No siblings, no kids. I didn't post for pity or anything else. I just realized how long it has been since I first decided I needed help and still haven't gotten better. Again, my choice. I would much rather die in my bed rather than in a hospital or on the street. Wish there was a better option, but I haven't found one.

I probably just shouldn't have posted at all. I just have nobody to talk to now.

Hugs and blessings to all,

L

Dee74

I think we can get a little too philosophical about death when drinking.

I found that when I really did nearly die, the thing I wanted to do most was live some more.

If inpatient rehab is not an option for you, what about outpatient rehab?
what about any of the many many recovery programmes?

Here's some links to some of the main recovery players:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

what have you got to lose by looking, and maybe even trying a couple of these approaches?

I recommend you also visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach. There's lots of support done there too

what about even just seeing your Dr about this?

There's a ,lot you can do Lynn - if you want to.
You're worth the effort

D

Hevyn

Calynn - I remember you. Please don't say you shouldn't have posted. Yes, you should reach out and be in touch - even if that means listening to a bit of advice. You don't ever have to be alone with this.

I was hopeless when I came here 5 yrs. ago. I'd been drinking my whole life and never imagined I could get by without it. I was slowly killing myself, though - and I wasn't ready to give up on life quite yet. It sounds like you aren't either. I hope you'll keep talking to us - we care about you Calynn.