hello-kitty

well...well...well

Got an email yesterday evening from my son's father:

"I am clean, stable and sober now. I want to make things right. I want to see you and Andrew ASAP. I'll do whatever it takes. Please call me. xxx-xxx-xxxx

The last time he sent me a "clean, stable and sober" email was last April. I emailed him back and wasn't very nice to him. And that's was the last I heard from him.

Then about 2 months ago I heard from his family that they had seen him and he was high as a kite and that he was smoking crack and meth now. I told his family I wished he would quit using drugs and his brother said "that will never happen". I don't believe a word that comes out of his brothers mouth - his whole family are a bunch of flakes and have drug problems of their own. But still.... I had no reason to doubt what he said wasn't true. My ex is an addict. Using drugs is what addicts do.

But anyway, hearing from my ex's family made me feel a little sad and it prompted me to send my ex a facebook private message saying "Why don't you get yourself together. You are too old to be living this way. Get help. Get into recovery. And be a father to your son." I sent that message via facebook about 2 months ago. I meant it at the time.

So I guess I finally got my response last night.... 2 months later. I think that's a bit odd. But I'm the kind of person who checks facebook constantly. But he didn't respond via facebook - he sent an email from his personal account.

But anyway, now I'm not sure what to do... should I pursue this? Actually, I need something from him. My son's passport is expiring in March and I really want to take him to visit family in Ireland and Canada. And a friend of mine has invited us to go to Mexico with them in the spring. I can't take my son all these places without a passport - and you have to have both parents present or a notorized letter to get one. I was kind of giving up on the idea of ever taking him to Ireland again which is really sad to me since that's where my family is and he has hundreds of cousins there. It's not worth traumatizing my son over though - especially if his dad is still using. It would turn our lives upside down and just worry that my son will get very upset if he sees his father. He's pretty much gotten use to the fact that his father is not going to be around. Ever.

But if my son knew his dad had contacted me, he would want to see him. It's been 3 years and he still misses him.

HELP!

Does anyone have any sage words of wisdom?!

tjp613

Why don't you agree to meet with him, bring the letter for him to sign (and notarized) and assess his current state for yourself? Then, if you determine that he is healthy enough for contact with your son move forward from there. If not, then you just say so after you get the letter you need. (HA!)

How old is your son? Old enough to decide for himself?

Seren

Hmmm....well, a notary public will have to witness your ex's signature. Perhaps meet him somewhere to have the letter notarized. Then, if you are feeling up to it, you could have coffee with him somewhere afterward. If not, then thank him and be on your way.

Just a thought...

hello-kitty

Thank you HG and TJP. Those are wonderfully simple solutions! And that's what I'm going to do. No expectations. We'll see what happens when/if he shows up to the notary. One step at a time. I don't need to worry about it.

Funny how sometimes the answer can be as plain as the nose on our face sometimes but we just can't see it.

TJP, my son is seven. I don't think that's old enough to decide for himself but I am also desperate to protect my son from being hurt anymore and I let my anger and concern about ex cloud my thoughts. Do you think it's old enough?

LoveMeNow

I am not sure how you feel about seeing your ex but could you meet him alone first, get the papers signed for the passport, evaluate his state of mind and take it from there.

The upcoming Holiday seem to always make the "undesirable" resurface. But it's a chance for you to get what you and your son need too. I have been through the passport problem with my kids and their bio mom as well.

Our lawyer sought child support, knowing she would never pay. She called it our "trump card" for the future. Two years later, with no contact from her, she signed over her parental rights to wave all back child support. This allowed me to adopt them and solve many problems.

hello-kitty

Hmmm... I've often wondered how to pursue the parental rights thing. I always worry about my son ending up with his crack addict dad if something happens to me but because we have no agreements signed and he is so elusive and attorneys are expensive, I've just never pursued it. But Love, the information you shared is fantastic and gives me something to go on. I will look into that with a lawyer.

LoveMeNow

I am glad I could help (for a change, lol). Do you have a child supoort order in place now?

hello-kitty

Child support? Nope. I can't afford an attorney. But make too much money to get help from the state.

LoveMeNow

In my state, you don't need an attorney for child support. You can actually file for it on line now. Although, sometimes, asking for child support can really open a can of worms too.

Do you know any notaries that can accompany you if and when you see him? All they need is their stamp.

supportforme

Hello Kitty - So sorry you are dealing with this. I would meet with him alone first to determine if he is in the right frame of mind. I have a 7 year old as well. My xAH is inconsistent and unfortunately, my boys have to endure the roller coaster of emotions that go along with being the child of an addict. Both boys know their dad is an addict and are in therapy. I don't know what the right answer is. I struggle with this often - would they be better off if he disappeared? Or, would they feel even more abandoned? I don't think there is right or wrong. You know your son and what is the best choice. I made a will with a free template online and customized it with the details regarding their father's addiction. I had a notary sign it along with a letter with my instructions. My biggest fear is that if I die, who would protect my boys. I did the only thing I could - I documented a way to try to protect them - that's all I could do. This didn't cost me a dime b/c I used a notary at work. Regarding child support, do the research in your state and county. I did go to a lawyer, after several lawyers I actually found one that showed compassion and actually charged me a fraction of what others wanted. I found him through the bar association in my state. I too do not qualify for any state or fed aid. Hang in there. You are a wonderful mom - you'll find your answers - go with your gut.