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No more lurking, I can't do this alone.

Old 12-22-2012, 01:42 AM
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No more lurking, I can't do this alone.

Please help, always been scared to join but I am getting worse very quickly now,bottle of vodka every night between us, feel and look like death, but cannot stop! I thought I could do this alone and I was different its taken a while for it to dawn on me that you all were right and I was wrong. I feel like 2 people, the one just now is the hungover drunk in the stained jammies, the other is the person who goes in to work all made up and chirpy and helpful, they must see how yellow my eyes are, I can't keep this up much longer, I hate my job now like everything else but I know deep down that it is because of the drink I hate everything. I am so sorry to go on, this was just going to be a short post, but I would really like to join and see what its like to face life sober. I am living a lie, always lying and pretending everything is fine and its not. I used to be so strong. sorry again for going on. Thanks for reading best wishes to you all on here.
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Old 12-22-2012, 01:54 AM
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Hello and welcome here. You are in the right place. I'm new here as well,and find it very helpful to me. I don't have much sobriety yet,but I'm working towards that goal. Others will be able to give you better advice. I do know some pple require a medical detox though, so be careful. You are making a first step in the right direction, by coming here. Good luck and stay strong, commited. Life is so much better sober. Not always easier, but a lot better.
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Old 12-22-2012, 01:58 AM
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Welcome to the family! :ghug3 It is possible to live a sober life - I've been doing it for three years now but I started at day one like everyone else. It wasn't easy but I did it and am happy I did. Only wish I'd done it sooner...
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Old 12-22-2012, 01:59 AM
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Hello, and welcome.

I just want you to know that you CAN stop. I did, and was a hopeless, lying, stealing drunk. I did whatever it took to get drunk. That was my passion and I associated with people of the same ilk.

I managed to hold down a freelance, lucrative job for many years but lost everything to alcohol. That still didn't stop me. I drank to the point where I could neither drink nor stop. It was pure misery.

I will have two years sober in two days. But, it took help. From here, from AA, from God.
Have you considered a recovery program? Yellow eyes is a serious sign that should be addressed. If I were you, I would see a doctor and be brutaly honest about your drinking.

Your post touched me, and I needed to read it to remind me of the life I left behind. I would not change my past if I could because it's made me who I am, a better person than I was. I now appeciate being given a second chance and my life is so much better.

My thoughts are with you. And I wish you the best.
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Old 12-22-2012, 02:01 AM
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Thanks for replying raja12, so appreciated, I'm staying here.
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Old 12-22-2012, 02:03 AM
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Welcome to this site. I just joined and these people here are wonderful.

I really feel your post. Lots of us have been there. I've been sober for 5 months now, it is really possible.
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Old 12-22-2012, 02:07 AM
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Least and Ghostlight I am in tears, thank you all so much for welcome, not cried for a long time, I see I am not alone now.
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Old 12-22-2012, 02:12 AM
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Hey and welcome, today is my day 20 and I'm still waking up to my surroundings, realising how much time I've lost to being drunk, feeling like sh1t and putting every effort into getting drunk again.

You're in a spiral, the worse it gets the more you feel the need to blot out how bad it's getting. You're right too, you probably don't hate your job, you're just aware that you're letting yourself down and colleagues are aware of it and that fuels the hate for the situation and the need to blot the whole thing out again.

You can stop and my heart goes out to you for where you are now, this site helps, you're not alone.
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Old 12-22-2012, 02:13 AM
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thank you ladyinBC I am overwhelmed at quick replies, this is amazing. I am going to log off get showered and try to make myself look human. Im feeling very scared suddenly?? I will log on later especially when craving due. Thanks.
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Old 12-22-2012, 02:18 AM
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Another reply from Napster! Thank you all so much! I will definitely be back here later. please dont go away.
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Old 12-22-2012, 02:28 AM
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We aren't going anywhere Welcome & keep posting!

Xx
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Old 12-22-2012, 02:37 AM
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Hi and Welcome MrsLamp

I really understand what you mean, I feel like I have been living a double life as well, one the drunk 'me' that no one really gets to see the other 'me' that looks like they have it all together.

Just know you're not alone in all of this

You'll get lots of support here :ghug3
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Old 12-22-2012, 03:00 AM
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Hi Mrs Lamp, glad you are here with us.

The most important recommendation I would make for the immediate short term is get to a Doctor, fully admit your situation and let them help. I did this for the first time recently - admitted my relapse to them and their response was that they are there to help. If you need controlled detox, your doctor will know. I feel like they are coaching me through this.

It's hard to do because you know you face hard facts and bad news, but it is necessary and I now wish I did it 2 years ago. They put me on BP medication, and immediately tested liver and kidney functions. I was scared but am now relieved to have the facts about my body and what I have done to myself.

The early days are hard, but most importantly you will need help, and medical professionals are a good start.

After you tackle the medical, then you handle the emotional addiction issues. Speaking from experience - tackling it alone is not recommended. It takes strength to ask for help and make getting it a priority.

Come back and tell us how you are doing please.

PS, today is my day 2. We all understand the struggle here. Admitting the problem is the first step to recovery.
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Old 12-22-2012, 03:13 AM
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Mrs.Lamp, welcome! I could have written your words myself at one time.
SR is open 24/7/365.
We have all been at the day one mark...joining, posting and reading is a big step.
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Old 12-22-2012, 03:16 AM
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Hi MrsLamp and Welcome!

Wow! Reading your post is like "de ja vu" for me. I also felt like two different people.
I told my husband I was like Dr. Jekyll/Mrs. Hyde. He said, "NO...You aren't a mean drunk your a happy drunk". No Matter...I was 2 separate people when I was drinking.

I have a wonderful job (working in a greenhouse) but I dreaded going to work when I was drinking. I also hated giving up my drunk time to spend with family (even my granddaughters)... I hated myself for feeling that way too. My life was centered around my drinking and I was miserable.

Today I am almost 4 months sober. I love my job...although now I wish I didn't have to work, because, there is so much I want to do to catch up on now that I'm sober.

Life does get better with sobriety, it takes work, but it is so worth it! You can do it too.

You came to the right place for help! Best Wishes! XOXOX
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Old 12-22-2012, 03:39 AM
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I am new here (on day 5) - but I can tell you that coming here often has been a big part of how I have made it to 5 days for the first time in over 15 years!
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Old 12-22-2012, 03:40 AM
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Good morning and welcome aboard! You'll find a great deal of support and tips on recovery throughout the forum. Be proud of yourself as you've taken a big first step by joining and sharing with us. I would also encourage you to even more brave and talk to a medical professional who can guide you safely into recovery. You already have a support team in us here! I understand that you are feeling scared as it can all be overwhelming at first. That feeling does dissipate. We believe in you and you CAN do this!!!
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Old 12-22-2012, 03:51 AM
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Welcome to SR MrsLamp. One of the 'excuses' I used to drink was that I hated my job. Guess what? Turned out it was drinking that caused me to hate my job.

58 days sober, I love my job and so it with ease. I've had no end if compliments on how well I look and my life is great now (there are the odd bad moods but I don't drown them, just acknowledge them)

You won't regret quitting. You'll truly see how much booze was running your life.

S x
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Old 12-22-2012, 05:49 AM
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Hi MrsLamp...I know the feelings you are describing well. I too lived a lie for a long time. I had the yellowish eyes and my skin was taking on that pallor as well. It is truly exhausting. And you are right in saying "I can't keep this up much longer". Living in active addiction is horrible. The effort it takes to simply maintain...hanging on by a thread...it's just not sustainable. The good news is...you do not have to live like that anymore. You can be that strong woman you once were. Proud, happy, peaceful, free. It can be tough initially, but doable. I second involving your doctor.

So glad you are here.
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Old 12-22-2012, 05:50 AM
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Welcome Mrs Lamp - now you hate your life, you are in a position to change it. I agree that a Drs visit is best to make sure you go through withdrawal safely. I found it almost impossible say out loud how much I drank so I wrote it down so I couldn't lie.
There are many ways to get through the cravings. Read as much as you can on this site which if full of the thoughts of people who have been in your shoes.
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