Nhfl

Hi, i am vey new to this site. So I appreciate any guidance. Here is my story in a nutshell. I have been with my hb who is a crack addict for about 7yrs. Outside of the addiction he is a very smart, kind, loving man. He has never been physically or verbary abusive (even when I have lost my temper while dealing with this.

When we got together I did not know that he had a drug problem. After going through having him lie about visiting his parents out of town to surching for my car that he gave to a dealer I made him leave. After a couple of months of separation he, and his mom (who is a very sweet Christian woman) convinced me that he was getting help, that he really wanted to turn his life around. Because I was young and naive I belived that things would be ok. He is smart, ambitious, and had goals.

The next couple of years were awful.. He used everyday, would be gone for days. Etc.. He couldn't even go to the store because he would just end up in a crack house.

I dealt with it not sure why. Committed myself to help him as he was willing to commit to turn things around. After finally hitting "rock bottom" several times things started to get better. He earned my trust little by little.

He came up with things that he could do to stay clean and earn my trust, such as he never had access to any money, didn't even drive for a long time.

Within the last two years he started a company where he makes good money, likes his job, and is always trying to grow his company. However he is still using.
Nowhere like it use to be. He has access to money, works hard, doesn't hang out. He will use about every 3 to 6 months.

I am so frustrated and angry with myself and him. It's like our life's are perfect and then bam here we go again!!! I know how powerful this drug is. I lash out every time it happens to the point of name calling etc..
Of course he tells me it will never happen again and how far he has come to quit now.
I do not know how to deal with this anymore, at the same time I have seen him work hard and the changes he has made.

Do I give up now???? He constantly tells me that he knows he can beat this, other people have beat it, he will never give up on getting and staying sober, how hard he has worked to get to this point of not using every day, or being gone for days.

I have never been an addict and don't understand all of it, I do want to belive he can stay sober and not relapse. One of my best friends was an addict and has been clean for years now.

Please help!!! Do I stay or just give up

Dee74

Hi NHFL

I moved your thread to our Family and Friends forum.

I can't answer the question you've posed - but I think you have a right to set boundaries about exactly how much you're willing to take....

I know you'll get a lot of support and understanding here

welcome to SR

D

GAD

Stay. Crack is easy to go back to and relapses are so common. This does not make it ok, but know that it is a physiological struggle. He needs your support even though it is frustrating. Hang in there, that is all I can say

allforcnm

I don’t think anyone can tell you what to do, that is a very personal choice based on many factors.

People here do best when they share their own experiences; but please keep in mind that most arrive here when they are in crisis, stay while they are working through a crisis and so many responses can be emotional in nature. Most people, even the admin here will tell you that when things work out, the crisis is over; most people move on, so there are not as many happy endings reported here in terms of relationships. But you already know from the experience with your friend, that people do recover and stay that way. In fact ,there are many family members here who are recovered addicts for many years, and the substance abuse forums are also full of those who are strong in recovery. Its been helpful to me reading the post in those forums as they show a lot of hope.

I think that the question you really have to ask is if you are happy now, and if you can be content if this way of life never changes? And God forbid if it gets worse down the road can you set yourself up emotionally, financially to handle that? And if there are kids involved now, or in your future what can you do to ensure their stability during periods of relapse ?

My husband is 9 months clean from opiate pain meds. We have a son who is one year old. I am happy with our life at present, and have accepted the possibility of relapse in the future. I have decided that I can live with that uncertainty, and I wont let it overshadow my life, or our relationship. I believe there is never truly any certainty in the future; accidents, illness, unexpected events – life is full of this. At least it helps me to look at it this way, and so I also focus on being able to take care of me and my son should any of those unexpected things ever happen. Will add, there was never any abuse in our relationship or anything like that; violence I think always changes the picture.

My husband works with a psychiatrist on his recovery, and I have found it helpful to work with one on a less frequent basis. It has helped me understand addiction, my husbands specific drugs, things like enabling, taking care of myself, not losing myself in his addiction (worry, anxiety, obsessive actions, etc. -also known as codependency), and my therapist is just an overall a great listener if I need to talk. So, I would recommend trying this if you ever feel the need.

good luck in whatever you decide; there is no right or wrong, its all your choice.

lightseeker

hi and welcome.... I agree....no one can tell you what to do. My x husband was a crack addict (is?). He got sober while we were together and it still wasn't a walk in the park. I actually LIKED him better while he was in active addiction - he was a lot nicer.

I got really really entrapped in the whole thing of should I stay, should I go. As long as that was my focus I remained paralyzed. In the meantime, I began to work on me by going to meetings/working my own recovery program. I got to the point where I knew the answer to my question and it had nothing to do with him.

I noticed that you are in Charlotte....I am too. They have awesome Naranon meetings here - and also some really really good Alanon meetings. I'd suggest getting involved in your own community of people that are dealing with the same things. They helped to teach me how to focus on ME and not the addict in my life. At no time is the talk about how to change them - it's on our side of the street. Why do we chose to love who we love, why do we tolerate intolerable situations? Once I began to grow and learn to respect myself it became easier to see the path that was best for me.

Welcome....I'm glad that you've found us and hope that you will stick around.

Nhfl

Thank you all so much! I am shocked at how much support and helpful information is available! To the people that responded you have no idea how much it means to know that what I feel some stranger can put into perspective and words. Do any of you have any suggetions on material that I can read to help me understand codepandancy or any personal thoughts you may have. Thanks!

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR.....I hope you find answer and comfort here. Sometimes just knowing that we aren't alone is comforting.

Here are a couple of book suggestions for you:

Codependent No More - by Melody Beattie
The Language of Letting Go - by Melody Beattie
Addictive Thinking: Understanding Self Deception - by Abraham Twerski

These are three great books to help you understand codependence. The third book helped me understand my OWN addictive thinking as well as the addicts. Those of us who love someone addicted to drugs often suffer from our own branch of Self Deception.

Stick around. Read. Ask questions. Take things one day at a time. But most importantly, take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

drc5426

There are certain days when I absolutly adore my ex. Today was one of them.

So far she's been clean for 4 months. She's a very attractive woman and people like being around her. I can't say I dislike her company, if it weren't for her addiction I would marry her. Since I have custody of our children my home will be a focal point during the holidays. She came over to help me with the kids and clean the house. She helped me clean every corner then we ordered take out for dinner. After dinner she went to a meeting and I put the kids to bed. She came back afterwards and we wrapped gifts together until 11. We joked a lot about what was on TV because we share a similar sense of humor. Then she went home.

When I was first involved with her I had no clue she smoked crack. When I found out she smoked crack I fought it as hard as I could. I will say that today she is a far cry from what she was.

Recently, She explaind to me her levels of use since I've known her. The first year I knew her she was prostituting herself for rock at times. The next year she was exclusivly smoking it with one person. After pressure from me, her family and guilt she feels regarding the kids piled up her use dwindled dramatically but was still present. She knew all the consequences but still wasn't ready to stop.

I accepted this and decided to detach because of the negative effect it had on my life and our children. It was difficult because her behavior wasn't black and white. She wasn't some dirty crackhead begging for change on the corner anymore, but when all was said and done she still smoked crack.

I've since fashioned my life in a way where any eventual use wont hurt me. Yes, It may make me sad. If I have to keep her from the kids it will upset them too but that's the extent of it.

I'm still here and I havn't given up on anything.

Nhfl

I can definitely relate to drc5426. Thanks for sharing your story. That is exactly how I feel. Since as you said he's not on a corner begging for money (however he was vey close to that years ago). It is so hard separate those feelings. Especially like your loved one who is smart, funny, and carting when they don't use. I understand and what everyone has been saying that you have to be ok with knowing that when they relapse you will be ok emotionally and can accept that.

I guess I have been going that for some time and have not realized it since I posted here.
I still get upset when it happens, but I do take precautions.
As some of you have shared. I was the one several years ago that would go out there looking for him, dragging him out of the crack houses because I was so scared he would get in over his head worn the dealers or overdose. Or I didn't want him to loose that phone that we purchased yet again to replace the one he gave to the dealer the week before.

About a year or so ago I just got tired. Decided that what ever happens to him when he chooses that behavior I would have to love with.

I no longer go looking and I also try not to help him out when he looses things. He would always talk me into getting it back because he had customers waiting for projects he had to finish and would loose making money if he couldn't work.


Belive it or not he has not lost a phone in a long time. I got to the point where I said oh well they i guess you are just going to have to loose the project and loose the money.

I still struggle when he does use with what to say so that I don't make it ok but not to be as harsh as name calling and so on. I just don't want him to think I am accepting this behavior no mater how much better it has gotten.

Any suggestions would help!

Thanks to all for the support!