Trust and doubt
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 27
Trust and doubt
My exhusband (supposed recovering heroin addict) called to tell me he was arrested for having an ampule in his car.....google search tells me it is a sealed glass vile. He said he doesn't know how it got in the car. When I asked what was in it he said he didn't know and the police didn't tell him......this sounds very suspicious to me. It makes no sense...wouldn't police tell him what drug he was being arrested for?? He continued to go on and on about how his life was over now and how he did a drug test for his parents to prove he was clean. Parents now believing he was framed! Really? Doesnt he know how ridiculous this story sounds!
More ridiculous is I feel that old doubt in my mind that maybe he is telling the truth....and I am feeling sorrow for him. Why when it sounds like a lie do I doubt my gut? When do you trust yourself again?
More ridiculous is I feel that old doubt in my mind that maybe he is telling the truth....and I am feeling sorrow for him. Why when it sounds like a lie do I doubt my gut? When do you trust yourself again?
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
My exAH told me so many lies, so many unbelievable things and for the longest time I believed everyone of them because I didn't want to believe the truth..
The police wouldn't arrest him without probable cause... When your an addict it's always someone else's fault..
Just be glad that he's your ex now and you don't have to be part of that insanity anymore...
The police wouldn't arrest him without probable cause... When your an addict it's always someone else's fault..
Just be glad that he's your ex now and you don't have to be part of that insanity anymore...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
I also doubt my gut when it comes to STBXAH. I have to take a step back and really think about what he's said and if it's even plausible.
He phoned he children the other night five minutes before their bed time (as usual). When his 7 yo daughter asked him to call earlier so they could talk longer, he told her that he wanted to but there had been this horrific car accident and the guy worked with him and he was waiting on the side of the road. Now, logically, I'm sure most of you have rolled your eyes and thought, 'nice excuse buddy', but for a while i really wanted to believe him. Turns out as far as google/ local Police/ radio goes, there was no such accident. I am slowly getting back to trusting my gut. My dad likes to say about STBXAH, if his lips are moving, he's lying.
He phoned he children the other night five minutes before their bed time (as usual). When his 7 yo daughter asked him to call earlier so they could talk longer, he told her that he wanted to but there had been this horrific car accident and the guy worked with him and he was waiting on the side of the road. Now, logically, I'm sure most of you have rolled your eyes and thought, 'nice excuse buddy', but for a while i really wanted to believe him. Turns out as far as google/ local Police/ radio goes, there was no such accident. I am slowly getting back to trusting my gut. My dad likes to say about STBXAH, if his lips are moving, he's lying.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by dollydo 
Unfortunately, I think that they really begin to believe their own lies. Sick.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
What's worse,being gullible or being disingenuous?
So many times transferring $ to the addicted person,
I would sit there for endless minutes listening to her
spinning these endless tales of woe that were such
obvious horsesh*t------all I could think was how
at crossed purposes our interactions were.
For me,it was....here is more $, which equates to
TIME for you to figure out how to get yourself out of this
ghastly mess.
For her,it was "God this fool is an easy mark"
I wasn't,sister.I just knew in my heart if you plummetted
out of the middle class----you weren't EVER coming back....
not as you approach your 50s.
Not a single word was even REMOTELY believable----and
the saddest thing of all was that she thought she was "pulling it off".
So many times transferring $ to the addicted person,
I would sit there for endless minutes listening to her
spinning these endless tales of woe that were such
obvious horsesh*t------all I could think was how
at crossed purposes our interactions were.
For me,it was....here is more $, which equates to
TIME for you to figure out how to get yourself out of this
ghastly mess.
For her,it was "God this fool is an easy mark"
I wasn't,sister.I just knew in my heart if you plummetted
out of the middle class----you weren't EVER coming back....
not as you approach your 50s.
Not a single word was even REMOTELY believable----and
the saddest thing of all was that she thought she was "pulling it off".
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I probably could of easily recognized and "judge" others in my situation but I was too close to the forest to see the trees. I was too afraid to admit what was happening. However, I will admit, I NEVER thought it would "get that bad." Also, I really didn't have a clue that I was part of my own problem. "It was all him" I thought. I had no idea about codependency and little did I know not only was I codependent.....I was the damn poster child. (and that was without addicted parents)
But in all honesty, I am glad I found out. I can not change what I do not acknowledge.
But in all honesty, I am glad I found out. I can not change what I do not acknowledge.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 27
I know he is lying.....but a piece of me still can't wrap my mind around the craziness of his addiction. I think you are correct when you say he believes what he is saying. Since we are divorced I have been able to distance my self from him tremendously. We have 3 children so he will never really be gone. For the past year he has talked the talk and barely walked the walk. One post replied patience.....time will reveal. This is sooooo true. Eventually time does show the truth. We have to be patient for its revealing......the more I live through his broken promises and lie after lie I become stronger. My instincts are returning and I trust myself so much more. The posts I read here are such confirmation of my journey and healing towards a peaceful life. I never realized how many others haves lived this difficult life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
Hello, for me and my "gut" even know I had one until I started going to al anon! Someone in the program told me to "trust my gut" I thought wtf is that do I have one? I never forgot those words and it sparked an awareness which led to acceptance then action! It took time, but slowly I figured it out, healed and praticed just that "trusting my gut"! For me it has been an on going challenge to trust the people I love most. My heart wants to trust loved ones even when I know in my head I should not or can not because they have broken that trust with lies and it has not been repaired. So I just try and work on that, getting my heart and head to be on the same page. The more I pratice it the better I get at it.
Its very difficult at best to not be able to trust someone I love, but until they have a "history" of honesty and have proven they can be trusted over time its their problem I don't trust them and a consequence of being dishonest. Just like anything we do that is new to us it takes time to get good at it and then we are not perfect at it but can be damn good! ;D
As for the item in his car... my thoughts are let's just say its not his, odds are it is, but suppose for one momet its not.... well then I guess you should not be running around with people who have that on them, again consequence of choice of friends or aquanticeses. And if your hanging or allowing people in your car that have illegal stuff on them its the price you pay, guilty by association. And if he did not know still his problem maybe he should reevaluate his choice of friends espically if he is "clean"... not one of my friends am I worried about if they get in nmy car they will cause me to be arrested if I get pulled over. So ya see either way you slice it it all goes back to him and his choices and his consequences and hence his problem. Which ultimitlely reveals many more possible untruths.
Keep working at it sweetie and believe in your abilities, even if you don't get it right every time or crystal clear, if your gut is telling you even something in a small voice listen and take it to your higher power in prayer and ask for his help. Your doing great! One step at a time one day at a time!
Its very difficult at best to not be able to trust someone I love, but until they have a "history" of honesty and have proven they can be trusted over time its their problem I don't trust them and a consequence of being dishonest. Just like anything we do that is new to us it takes time to get good at it and then we are not perfect at it but can be damn good! ;D
As for the item in his car... my thoughts are let's just say its not his, odds are it is, but suppose for one momet its not.... well then I guess you should not be running around with people who have that on them, again consequence of choice of friends or aquanticeses. And if your hanging or allowing people in your car that have illegal stuff on them its the price you pay, guilty by association. And if he did not know still his problem maybe he should reevaluate his choice of friends espically if he is "clean"... not one of my friends am I worried about if they get in nmy car they will cause me to be arrested if I get pulled over. So ya see either way you slice it it all goes back to him and his choices and his consequences and hence his problem. Which ultimitlely reveals many more possible untruths.
Keep working at it sweetie and believe in your abilities, even if you don't get it right every time or crystal clear, if your gut is telling you even something in a small voice listen and take it to your higher power in prayer and ask for his help. Your doing great! One step at a time one day at a time!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 27
"Its very difficult at best to not be able to trust someone I love, but until they have a "history" of honesty and have proven they can be trusted over time its their problem I don't trust them and a consequence of being dishonest."
Bunkie your words come across so confident and yes so true. Not trusting is the consequence of his dishonesty not mine. So often I feel badly for my true feelings because they affect him negatively. Or I feel like maybe I shouldn't feel the way I do...minimizing my feelings.
I am so tired of his version and his families version of the truth.
Thank you for your encouragement!
Bunkie your words come across so confident and yes so true. Not trusting is the consequence of his dishonesty not mine. So often I feel badly for my true feelings because they affect him negatively. Or I feel like maybe I shouldn't feel the way I do...minimizing my feelings.
I am so tired of his version and his families version of the truth.
Thank you for your encouragement!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
You are welcome! Sharing our experience, strength and hope is a part of what I need to do, give back! I have learned, healed and grown over the past several years, gaining new tools to take care of me and live a healthier life. I still have a lifetime of "more will be revealed"and I look forward to that journey! I know it will make me a better person, a healither person, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I have more confidence, joy, peace and clarity than ever imagined. All because of a 12 step program, my willingness, my higher power (God) and people just like you!
Let it begin with you and to thine own self be true! Its takes time and patience. We did get to the place we are over night and we wont get out over night! One day at a time. Do you go to nar anon or al anon? I highly recommend you try it if you are not! In those meetings you will find more than you are looking for. It has changed my life.
People in denial can be frustrating to say the least. But they are entitled to live and believe as they choose! My dad always used to say "birds of a feather flock together"! In otherwords surrond yourself with people in a recovery program or of like mind. That live in the truth and understand addiction and know how to take care of them selfs. And have healed from the effects of someone elses drinking or drugging! Your on the right road and having people to reach out to that have lived through what we have but came through it a better, stronger and healither person, are people we need in our life and believe it or not they need us too!
Prayers and hugs take care of you and let God take care of your loved one just like God takes care of us! Its someone elses problem if they don't like the "negative" effects of their choices. That's their problem. You can't worry about that. Its consequences of their choice to life a life of deception and chaos.
Let it begin with you and to thine own self be true! Its takes time and patience. We did get to the place we are over night and we wont get out over night! One day at a time. Do you go to nar anon or al anon? I highly recommend you try it if you are not! In those meetings you will find more than you are looking for. It has changed my life.
People in denial can be frustrating to say the least. But they are entitled to live and believe as they choose! My dad always used to say "birds of a feather flock together"! In otherwords surrond yourself with people in a recovery program or of like mind. That live in the truth and understand addiction and know how to take care of them selfs. And have healed from the effects of someone elses drinking or drugging! Your on the right road and having people to reach out to that have lived through what we have but came through it a better, stronger and healither person, are people we need in our life and believe it or not they need us too!
Prayers and hugs take care of you and let God take care of your loved one just like God takes care of us! Its someone elses problem if they don't like the "negative" effects of their choices. That's their problem. You can't worry about that. Its consequences of their choice to life a life of deception and chaos.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 27
I attended alanon meetings early on but have since just gone to see a therapist specializing in addiction and relationships. I guess I thought since I was divorcing him I didn't need both.
I also have a loving supportive family, beautiful friendships and wonderful people like you here at SR!
One day at a time.....patience..... I'm trying!
I also have a loving supportive family, beautiful friendships and wonderful people like you here at SR!
One day at a time.....patience..... I'm trying!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
Journey, I left the father of my children and had been going to alanon for a couple years prior to leaving, I thought because I was not dealing with active addiction I did not really need to go to meetings. I went to a few mtgs here and there over the next 6 years. We tried to get back together and I started to slip into some of my old behaviors. I went to meetings and have continued to go because they are for me and I realized how much more work I needed to do on me. We did not work out cause he is still using. I have been working hard on healing me things from my childhood that I did not know effected me now as a adult. I need to go for me. It is amazing what im learning about myself and how to take care of me.
That's awesome you have a loving supportive family and great friends. And having a person to counsel you and taok to is awesome too.... thanks I just try to share my expierence, strength and hope it can help.... you may find a new way of looking at the alanon program and the effects of living with addiction go beyond what we see. Alnon for me goes to the core of who I am long before I met and fell for an addict.
Progress not perfection journey! Baby steps your doing just fine and you are where your suppose to be. Your doing the best you can!
That's awesome you have a loving supportive family and great friends. And having a person to counsel you and taok to is awesome too.... thanks I just try to share my expierence, strength and hope it can help.... you may find a new way of looking at the alanon program and the effects of living with addiction go beyond what we see. Alnon for me goes to the core of who I am long before I met and fell for an addict.
Progress not perfection journey! Baby steps your doing just fine and you are where your suppose to be. Your doing the best you can!
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