cr995

Sometimes I have been feeling like I 'm never going to get better. I have been going to Al-anon, working the steps and reading all the books I could get my hands on. I finally felt I was getting my career back on track when I got a new job. When out of the blue I became so anxious - it was like being back with AH during the bad times.

I could not understand what was going on!

A good day at work made me feel great and a bad day hellish. Finally I worked out what was going on - I think. I was fighting my instincts to acknowledge when unacceptable behaviour was coming my way. I was terrified of believing myself, following my own thought processes to their logical conclusion. Until finally I said - Enough! I have tried it this way for years and - where did that get me - so now I'm going to do what I think FEELS right - and really to hellno matter what the consequences. I realized that I have started to recognize that sometimes things go wrong because of things that are OTHER people's issues - not mine! And that it's not my job to take responsibility for that. I am learning to put myself first. It feels scary but better. anyone else had this happen?

lillamy

I feel like every time I sit back and think "I'm healed," God smacks me over the head with a two-by-four. And then I feel like I was held back because I didn't pass the lesson this time. So I have to do it over.

I had the challenge of getting a new boss who reminded me so much of AXH I had panic attacks in the car and cried in the parking lot many mornings before working up the oomph to actually walk through the front doors of my office. But the Al-Anon tools worked for that, too.

What I've learned the most, I think, is that it's OK for me to stand up for myself even if it leads to conflict and disagreement. I'm learning (I'm still learning) to be OK with conflict without backing down and rolling over and playing dead. I still hate conflict, but I've noticed that I'm a lot more unhappy when I fold only in order to keep the peace. Having the conflict and handling it calmly, I'm learning, isn't dangerous. Most people don't become abusive when you have a difference of opinion.

But yes. It's frustrating. Because somewhere, even though I claimed differently, I did believe that AXH was my only problem, and that once he was removed, everything would be fine. I try to see it as an opportunity, though, to grow and change.

Rosiepetal

cr995, you are making progress, good for you.
One day at a time my friend.

ZiggyB

Standing up for myself has always been a challenge. When things do go wrong at work and elsewhere I have had a tendency to take it VERY personally.

Yes other people have issues and you need not take it personally. I do struggle with this a lot - people can say and do the most outrageous things and I will always find a way to internalize the blame. I think therapy has helped a lot with this but I still have some work to do in that area.

cr995

That's so funny and so true, it's exactly like that!

And yes we don't stand up for ourselves because of what happened in the past when we tried to.