Writing a letter
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Writing a letter
Hi, i've been wanting to write a letter to my XABF to set the record straight on a few things that have developed since we split up, mainly things he's done or said since we split up and how they've made me feel.
I've read here lots of people saying that it is better to write the letter but not send it or at least sit on it. I've done that, I wrote letters shortly after we split and then burnt them or left them in my journal. There is now no longer any reason for me to be in touch with my XABF which gives me an opportunity to move on but I feel like there are things I want to say to him. Even if he doesn't hear it, even if he does nothing with it, just so I can get rid of that niggling feeling and draw a line under it.
So I wrote the letter (while very angry!) and then reviewed it when calm to ensure it was factual, about how I felt, not pointing the finger or blaming. Then I took advice here and I left it, sat on it and now I don't know.
I then did almost a 180. I asked myself what I expect to get out of this and how will I feel if he doesn't respond. If I'm honest with myself, i know I will be hurt if he doesn't. And if he does and he's apologetic, he won't have come to that conclusion by himself but because of a letter I wrote so it's not the same or as meaningful as someone realising what they've done and apologizing, and sadly I don't think he will come to that realisation, at least while he continues to drink.
I'm not worried about an aggressive response as he hasn't really been like that. He is more likely to be insistent that he has always cared about my feelings and deny the situation than turn it on me but that can hurt and damage just as much.
So I talked myself out of it, rationalised my decision and decided that no action, just silence maybe is better than me bleating on about how hurt I was. I was ok for a few days but then the niggle is back.
I know I can't make him read what I say, let alone believe/accept it but I wonder if I will feel better for having written it knowing whatever alternative reality he makes up for himself about our relationship and what's happened since, it won't be because I didn't say anything. As I write, I am so conflicted and can see both sides.
Someone I know told me the other day that closure is never really 100 percent possible with an alcoholic because of the person they are and what they can't give. Maybe that's true but I wondered if anyone here has ever written a letter to their X and regardless of no response felt better for it?
Thank you for reading.
I've read here lots of people saying that it is better to write the letter but not send it or at least sit on it. I've done that, I wrote letters shortly after we split and then burnt them or left them in my journal. There is now no longer any reason for me to be in touch with my XABF which gives me an opportunity to move on but I feel like there are things I want to say to him. Even if he doesn't hear it, even if he does nothing with it, just so I can get rid of that niggling feeling and draw a line under it.
So I wrote the letter (while very angry!) and then reviewed it when calm to ensure it was factual, about how I felt, not pointing the finger or blaming. Then I took advice here and I left it, sat on it and now I don't know.
I then did almost a 180. I asked myself what I expect to get out of this and how will I feel if he doesn't respond. If I'm honest with myself, i know I will be hurt if he doesn't. And if he does and he's apologetic, he won't have come to that conclusion by himself but because of a letter I wrote so it's not the same or as meaningful as someone realising what they've done and apologizing, and sadly I don't think he will come to that realisation, at least while he continues to drink.
I'm not worried about an aggressive response as he hasn't really been like that. He is more likely to be insistent that he has always cared about my feelings and deny the situation than turn it on me but that can hurt and damage just as much.
So I talked myself out of it, rationalised my decision and decided that no action, just silence maybe is better than me bleating on about how hurt I was. I was ok for a few days but then the niggle is back.
I know I can't make him read what I say, let alone believe/accept it but I wonder if I will feel better for having written it knowing whatever alternative reality he makes up for himself about our relationship and what's happened since, it won't be because I didn't say anything. As I write, I am so conflicted and can see both sides.
Someone I know told me the other day that closure is never really 100 percent possible with an alcoholic because of the person they are and what they can't give. Maybe that's true but I wondered if anyone here has ever written a letter to their X and regardless of no response felt better for it?
Thank you for reading.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: The South
Posts: 398
Hi Anon12,
My alcoholic is my Dad and he asked me to write him to let him know what he could do to improve our relationship and get me to come home to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. I posted it in the adult children of alcoholics forum if you're interested.
He asking me to do this was a gift to me because it gave me a chance to express my reasons and perspective in writing. The gist of the letter is that I love him and support him and would like to see him get help, but that I wasn't interested in visiting and subjecting myself to the stuff he put me through during holidays any more. I did not write it in anger and I did not expect anything from it. He did not reply but that doesn't change the value of what I did.
I see the struggle in your post and I think it shows insight and health that you are thinking honestly about both sides of the issue. I know that my Dad may apologize, but he will not live up to the expectations I have set in my mind. I'm done setting myself up for failure in that area.
If sending the letter makes you feel better, for your own health and healing, maybe it is a good idea. If some outcome (an apology, getting him to change or acknowledge some point, or getting back at him) is the thing that will make you feel better, it's probably not. It's just you being sucked into his disease. This is just my opinion.
I know an ex is different, and I'm no expert, just a guy beginning to try to find peace.
My alcoholic is my Dad and he asked me to write him to let him know what he could do to improve our relationship and get me to come home to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. I posted it in the adult children of alcoholics forum if you're interested.
He asking me to do this was a gift to me because it gave me a chance to express my reasons and perspective in writing. The gist of the letter is that I love him and support him and would like to see him get help, but that I wasn't interested in visiting and subjecting myself to the stuff he put me through during holidays any more. I did not write it in anger and I did not expect anything from it. He did not reply but that doesn't change the value of what I did.
I see the struggle in your post and I think it shows insight and health that you are thinking honestly about both sides of the issue. I know that my Dad may apologize, but he will not live up to the expectations I have set in my mind. I'm done setting myself up for failure in that area.
If sending the letter makes you feel better, for your own health and healing, maybe it is a good idea. If some outcome (an apology, getting him to change or acknowledge some point, or getting back at him) is the thing that will make you feel better, it's probably not. It's just you being sucked into his disease. This is just my opinion.
I know an ex is different, and I'm no expert, just a guy beginning to try to find peace.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 94
Anon12! I could have written this exact post. In fact, I was going to write it tonight when I got home. I love that you call it a niggle.
Here's how I have been thinking through my similar situation: My X?RABF disappeared two weeks ago when he was having a really rough time with recovery and wrote me an email two days later explaining how bad he felt, but not officially asking for space or breaking up. So that was ambiguous, as well as very hurtful. He has done this before and usually comes around in a few days, so I didn't think he was gone for good. But no call has come.
Now, After two weeks of silence I am realizing that he won't be back anytime soon. So, like you, I have a storm of feelings that I feel like I can't let out. I have written or composed in my mind soooo many versions of letters to send him.
The first few days I was alone in my grief and my rage. SO the imaginary letters were full of venom and sadness and despair. I almost sent them so many times.
THen I came here and posted and asked for advice. I was so surprised by SR folks' reactions. I thought everyone would say how mean he was to leave me hanging like that. But instead the universal response from here was compassion for how much suffering he is going through in his recovery. So I could: 1) to be compassionate and leave him alone for now 2) to write something gentle and caring and back off.
SO then I composed a gentle, compassionate email about how I love him and am rooting for me, but will give him space. That was a few days ago. But like you, I've hesitated to send it.
All of my friends are advising me to send nothing at all. They are all saying, it's over, it's a breakup, let it go. You don't get neat closures all the time.
Others who have read his email, including many here, seem to think that he will resurface eventually even if it's far down the line. That he is really struggling at the moment.
Conflicting advice about how to even understand the scene. But the main point for me is that he is not here now and is no shape to be a good boyfriend now.
Given that reality, I am opting for not sending anything for now. Like you said, I realized that even though I might say that I am writing to give him space, in truth I would be really hurt if he didn't respond. Or what if he did respond, and officially break up? Or apologize?
None of those reactions would get me what I really want in my heart, which is for him to magically transform into a consistently, reliably wonderful boyfriend. That's what I really want from him. And it wont be resolved anytime soon, if ever. If my presence and love and his desire to be together couldn't make things better for him, then certainly my words cant force that change.
So for me, really digging into my motives helped me realize that hope of a reunion or any contact at all is what's driving me to write. Also a desire for revenge or to feel less powerless. Disappearing on someone robs them of their voice.
My advice to myself--I don't want to assume it will be helpful to you-- is to write as many letters in as many different moods about him as I want, but to protect my heart by not sending them. Maybe later things will change, but that seems best for today since I am in so much pain and feel so fragile right now. I'm trying to stop the bleeding.
Take good care of yourself. Keep us posted.
Here's how I have been thinking through my similar situation: My X?RABF disappeared two weeks ago when he was having a really rough time with recovery and wrote me an email two days later explaining how bad he felt, but not officially asking for space or breaking up. So that was ambiguous, as well as very hurtful. He has done this before and usually comes around in a few days, so I didn't think he was gone for good. But no call has come.
Now, After two weeks of silence I am realizing that he won't be back anytime soon. So, like you, I have a storm of feelings that I feel like I can't let out. I have written or composed in my mind soooo many versions of letters to send him.
The first few days I was alone in my grief and my rage. SO the imaginary letters were full of venom and sadness and despair. I almost sent them so many times.
THen I came here and posted and asked for advice. I was so surprised by SR folks' reactions. I thought everyone would say how mean he was to leave me hanging like that. But instead the universal response from here was compassion for how much suffering he is going through in his recovery. So I could: 1) to be compassionate and leave him alone for now 2) to write something gentle and caring and back off.
SO then I composed a gentle, compassionate email about how I love him and am rooting for me, but will give him space. That was a few days ago. But like you, I've hesitated to send it.
All of my friends are advising me to send nothing at all. They are all saying, it's over, it's a breakup, let it go. You don't get neat closures all the time.
Others who have read his email, including many here, seem to think that he will resurface eventually even if it's far down the line. That he is really struggling at the moment.
Conflicting advice about how to even understand the scene. But the main point for me is that he is not here now and is no shape to be a good boyfriend now.
Given that reality, I am opting for not sending anything for now. Like you said, I realized that even though I might say that I am writing to give him space, in truth I would be really hurt if he didn't respond. Or what if he did respond, and officially break up? Or apologize?
None of those reactions would get me what I really want in my heart, which is for him to magically transform into a consistently, reliably wonderful boyfriend. That's what I really want from him. And it wont be resolved anytime soon, if ever. If my presence and love and his desire to be together couldn't make things better for him, then certainly my words cant force that change.
So for me, really digging into my motives helped me realize that hope of a reunion or any contact at all is what's driving me to write. Also a desire for revenge or to feel less powerless. Disappearing on someone robs them of their voice.
My advice to myself--I don't want to assume it will be helpful to you-- is to write as many letters in as many different moods about him as I want, but to protect my heart by not sending them. Maybe later things will change, but that seems best for today since I am in so much pain and feel so fragile right now. I'm trying to stop the bleeding.
Take good care of yourself. Keep us posted.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It's hard to cut all ties and go NC but it's the only way we move on with our lives. What you're doing is hanging on to him, letting him live rent-free in your head. In your heart of hearts you know that another letter makes no difference. It helped me to pray for acceptance.
Forget closure, it doesn't exist. Time passes and we meet new people who replace people in our past. It takes as long as it takes.
Forget closure, it doesn't exist. Time passes and we meet new people who replace people in our past. It takes as long as it takes.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
I was also told that closure was something I would never receive from my XABF! God knows I think I have worked almost as hard in the past to receive closure as I did trying to get him sober! Never happened and finally I agree...not going to happen! Maybe the closure has to come from within! Pretty sure it does!
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Just a thought....
A good friend of mine, one I listen to carefully, has some pretty enlightening, if less than eloquent sayings.
One that comes to mind is 'stirring the ...poop just makes it stink'.
Sending the letter might hand the control over your emotions to him after you worked so hard to take it back. He can ignore it and leave you feeling irrelevant, get mad and lash out adding insult to injury.... Worse, he could fall to his knees, cry, say you are right and beg to make it up to you but since you've shut that door you might just be pissed off that he waited so long or worse, lose your will to walk away...
Is there really any response that would give you closure? No. People can't give that to us, we have to find it in ourselves. Sometimes a symbolic gesture helps, like putting that letter in the back of a drawer then closing the drawer and starting with a clean sheet of paper marked "what I want to do for myself in 2013"
Hang in there
A good friend of mine, one I listen to carefully, has some pretty enlightening, if less than eloquent sayings.
One that comes to mind is 'stirring the ...poop just makes it stink'.
Sending the letter might hand the control over your emotions to him after you worked so hard to take it back. He can ignore it and leave you feeling irrelevant, get mad and lash out adding insult to injury.... Worse, he could fall to his knees, cry, say you are right and beg to make it up to you but since you've shut that door you might just be pissed off that he waited so long or worse, lose your will to walk away...
Is there really any response that would give you closure? No. People can't give that to us, we have to find it in ourselves. Sometimes a symbolic gesture helps, like putting that letter in the back of a drawer then closing the drawer and starting with a clean sheet of paper marked "what I want to do for myself in 2013"
Hang in there
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Hi Anon
I went through feeling exactly like you & started a thread a while back called "do you ever get closure with axbf" or something of the like.
Sorry I don't know how to post that thread on here but the responses I got helped me a lot. If you look up my threads it will be there.
Hope it helps you too.
Hugs.:ghug3
I went through feeling exactly like you & started a thread a while back called "do you ever get closure with axbf" or something of the like.
Sorry I don't know how to post that thread on here but the responses I got helped me a lot. If you look up my threads it will be there.
Hope it helps you too.
Hugs.:ghug3
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Kelowna, BC, Canada
Posts: 16
I once saw a counsellor regarding my relationship with my mom. I had so much deep seeded resentment and anger for her that it was ruining my life and decisions. I took the counsellors advice and wrote a letter to my mom. It took me about a dozen tries to start but one day I just kept writing. 13 2 sided pages later the letter was complete. While writing it I experienced many emotions and shed many tears. I kept that letter for awhile but never sent it. I did however go outside one night and burned it.....since then I have been able to get past the many hurts of my childhood and the resentments I felt towards my mom. We now have a decent relationship. What the letter did for me was allowed me to get it all out and give the hurt and anger away...and the best part was she couldnt argue back because she never ever read it. Just writing it was the therapy I needed to get past the anger and hurt. Sometimes I think just getting it out and being able to read it is enough. Maybe one day when I get the strength to leave my abusive relationship I will be able to write a letter to him as well.....
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Join Date: May 2012
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Originally Posted by emeraldsea 
Conflicting advice about how to even understand the scene. But the main point for me is that he is not here now and is no shape to be a good boyfriend now.
Given that reality, I am opting for not sending anything for now. Like you said, I realized that even though I might say that I am writing to give him space, in truth I would be really hurt if he didn't respond. Or what if he did respond, and officially break up? Or apologize?
None of those reactions would get me what I really want in my heart, which is for him to magically transform into a consistently, reliably wonderful boyfriend. That's what I really want from him. And it wont be resolved anytime soon, if ever. If my presence and love and his desire to be together couldn't make things better for him, then certainly my words cant force that change.
So for me, really digging into my motives helped me realize that hope of a reunion or any contact at all is what's driving me to write. Also a desire for revenge or to feel less powerless. Disappearing on someone robs them of their voice.
My advice to myself--I don't want to assume it will be helpful to you-- is to write as many letters in as many different moods about him as I want, but to protect my heart by not sending them. Maybe later things will change, but that seems best for today since I am in so much pain and feel so fragile right now. I'm trying to stop the bleeding.
Take good care of yourself. Keep us posted.
I have explored my motives repeatedly and a few months back I would have wanted my words to change him and have immediate impact. I don't think that's what I feel now but I think the reaction (or lack of it) would still hurt me regardless of what I think going into it. I am going to write if I feel angry but at the moment I don't want to send anything while I feel emotional or upset. I hope you find some peace and resolution through your writing too.
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Originally Posted by PohsFriend
One that comes to mind is 'stirring the ...poop just makes it stink'.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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I had written many letters . Still together but I found that writing what upset me made me feel betterto get it off my chest but its nothing I havent said before when upset he dissappeared to drink. Ruined a day. Said things. Did things etc and what I have learned is it didnt matter how I said it or what I said.
He heard it but didnt fully hear it ....where my pain was his denial followed .
The hole I am trying to fill with sorry and understanding from him is still there.
It doesnt go away because we rell them how we feel ....it goes away when we know they know how we feel and that wont happen until they are sober. We wont get what we need from them .
He heard it but didnt fully hear it ....where my pain was his denial followed .
The hole I am trying to fill with sorry and understanding from him is still there.
It doesnt go away because we rell them how we feel ....it goes away when we know they know how we feel and that wont happen until they are sober. We wont get what we need from them .
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