New to the forum but with a familiar, tired old story.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 6
New to the forum but with a familiar, tired old story.
Hello all,
I've been lurking on here for a few days now as the realisation begins to sink in that there is probably only one outcome to my situation, a situation that I dare say many will understand.
My wife, of 20 years, is an alcoholic. It has taken it's toll on all involved (we have two daughters aged 16 and 13) and we now find ourselves facing the split that I've spent so long trying to avoid. I know that she's not a bad person, just a person with a problem. But that problem has stripped me to the bone and any 'fight' I once had has gone.
We met in our early twenties when alcohol was part of the social landscape. We would be out most nights and had a very positive start as we're fundamentally very similar. My wife was always the one who would make sure that the fridge was stocked with beers, I tended only to drink socially, but the alarm bells really began ringing about seven years ago when the drinking began to increase dramatically.
I could see the problem emerging and wanted to be the guy who stood by her and helped her get through it all. I wanted to be one of the reasons she turned it all around. I now realise how naive I was. Recent years have seen my roll as a husband slip away only to be replaced with something more akin to that of a nightclub's security staff as I spend the evenings dealing with a drunk. I spent many years making excuses to my girls about why their mum was slurring, stumbling or unconscious in an attempt to shield them from it but those stories haven't worked for a long time now. They're old enough now to see the truth for themselves. My youngest is troubled by worry, my eldest troubled by anger.
Despite the many conversations, tears shed and sober apologies drink remains a constant influence in our lives and I'm finally reaching the sad stage of admitting defeat. Our daughters have saved the marriage on more occasions than I can recall. Each time I've wanted to walk out of the door it's been them who have made me think twice, turn around and decide that it's worth one more try for their sakes. But I can't live this dual existence any longer where sobriety reminds me of the woman I fell in love with and drink makes me want to be as far a way from her as is possible. Living that life tears you in two.
She has spent a year attending AA meetings, but was struggling with people putting pressure on her to speak before the group (she suffers with anxiety) and could not take on board the 'god aspect' of AA's process. She has started attending SMART meetings which seem to be a much better fit for her, but the truth is it all feels a little like 'locking the stable door after the horse has bolted'.
Still some way to go, there is a large dose of courage I have to find to make the final decision, but hard or not it feels inevitable. I've never felt more lost.
Looking forward to meeting folks who understand and can help me retain my sanity...
I've been lurking on here for a few days now as the realisation begins to sink in that there is probably only one outcome to my situation, a situation that I dare say many will understand.
My wife, of 20 years, is an alcoholic. It has taken it's toll on all involved (we have two daughters aged 16 and 13) and we now find ourselves facing the split that I've spent so long trying to avoid. I know that she's not a bad person, just a person with a problem. But that problem has stripped me to the bone and any 'fight' I once had has gone.
We met in our early twenties when alcohol was part of the social landscape. We would be out most nights and had a very positive start as we're fundamentally very similar. My wife was always the one who would make sure that the fridge was stocked with beers, I tended only to drink socially, but the alarm bells really began ringing about seven years ago when the drinking began to increase dramatically.
I could see the problem emerging and wanted to be the guy who stood by her and helped her get through it all. I wanted to be one of the reasons she turned it all around. I now realise how naive I was. Recent years have seen my roll as a husband slip away only to be replaced with something more akin to that of a nightclub's security staff as I spend the evenings dealing with a drunk. I spent many years making excuses to my girls about why their mum was slurring, stumbling or unconscious in an attempt to shield them from it but those stories haven't worked for a long time now. They're old enough now to see the truth for themselves. My youngest is troubled by worry, my eldest troubled by anger.
Despite the many conversations, tears shed and sober apologies drink remains a constant influence in our lives and I'm finally reaching the sad stage of admitting defeat. Our daughters have saved the marriage on more occasions than I can recall. Each time I've wanted to walk out of the door it's been them who have made me think twice, turn around and decide that it's worth one more try for their sakes. But I can't live this dual existence any longer where sobriety reminds me of the woman I fell in love with and drink makes me want to be as far a way from her as is possible. Living that life tears you in two.
She has spent a year attending AA meetings, but was struggling with people putting pressure on her to speak before the group (she suffers with anxiety) and could not take on board the 'god aspect' of AA's process. She has started attending SMART meetings which seem to be a much better fit for her, but the truth is it all feels a little like 'locking the stable door after the horse has bolted'.
Still some way to go, there is a large dose of courage I have to find to make the final decision, but hard or not it feels inevitable. I've never felt more lost.
Looking forward to meeting folks who understand and can help me retain my sanity...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Welcome to the forum and sorry for what you are going through.
SR absolutely saved my sanity as well as al anon. Really understanding the disease and ending my codependant and enabling behaviors changed my relationship.
Read and post often!
SR absolutely saved my sanity as well as al anon. Really understanding the disease and ending my codependant and enabling behaviors changed my relationship.
Read and post often!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Welcome to SR. Although, I am sorry for the circumstances which brought you here.
There are many times when this forum has been here to support me, use it to your advantage. You will find plenty of support here. Read the stickies at the top of the page and if you are a reader, I would suggest you read 'codependent no more' by melody Beattie. It was recommended to me when I first posted here months ago and I have found it to be an invaluable resource.
Sending you positive thoughts.
There are many times when this forum has been here to support me, use it to your advantage. You will find plenty of support here. Read the stickies at the top of the page and if you are a reader, I would suggest you read 'codependent no more' by melody Beattie. It was recommended to me when I first posted here months ago and I have found it to be an invaluable resource.
Sending you positive thoughts.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself to the rest of the family. I hope you will make yourself at home by reading, posting, and venting as often as needed.
There are some other husband's here as members, and hopefully they will be along to share some of their ES&H (experience, strength and hope).
Keep reaching out for support here and in your community. You are worth the effort!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself to the rest of the family. I hope you will make yourself at home by reading, posting, and venting as often as needed.
There are some other husband's here as members, and hopefully they will be along to share some of their ES&H (experience, strength and hope).
Keep reaching out for support here and in your community. You are worth the effort!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, Trambler. So sorry for your situation that brings you to this forum, but glad you found a place to share. It helps to let go of the secrets and seek some help for ourselves. Have you considered Al-Anon? AlaTeen for your girls? Mine are 19 and 15, and one of the reasons I moved us away from my now exA is because of the influence on them. It didn't seem right to expose them at home to something I was trying to keep them away from already in their social lives! And yes, they are acutely aware of what's going on. I was amazed when I began talking honestly with my girls about alcoholism just how much they knew already.
Keep reading here and keep talking about this. Ask for help (an Al-Anon sponsor does wonders for our sanity!) when you need it. Take things one day at a time.
Peace,
~T
Keep reading here and keep talking about this. Ask for help (an Al-Anon sponsor does wonders for our sanity!) when you need it. Take things one day at a time.
Peace,
~T
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Your not a fool. You wanted to make your marriage work. You wanted to fix it.
Its not your fault she is sick and its not your fault she metophoricaly wont listen to the dr.
Thats not you though. You cant piece together a person who doesnt realize how broken they are and may never.
Perhapse this is the time to focus entirely on yourself and your kids
Best luck and I hope that yr of aa served its purpose and she plans rehab.
Its not your fault she is sick and its not your fault she metophoricaly wont listen to the dr.
Thats not you though. You cant piece together a person who doesnt realize how broken they are and may never.
Perhapse this is the time to focus entirely on yourself and your kids
Best luck and I hope that yr of aa served its purpose and she plans rehab.
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