McKrazy

maybe I'm the dumbest person alive. I stupidly thought that to have him "admit" he's an alcoholic and try to stop, and experience some success and try to work the program, that life would be better. I am so naive.It's not better. It feels more hopeless and passionless than ever before when he drank. Now there's nothing. No disagreements, no conversation, no smiles, no anger, no happiness.....nothing at all. I feel so dead inside and like I allowed myself to cling to a hope that was completely false and here I am. I'm pretty sure I've never felt lower or more like just being done. With everything. I can't, cause I have three great kids and they deserve a mom that is loving and involved.... but man, I wish I could just hoist the white flag right now. I am in a world of hurt! sorry, but I just needed to share that with somebody, somewhere and I had no where else to go tonight. Thanks for listening.

spirit

hi Mc,

my name is kath and i am inaustralia, so it is day time for me.

you sound pretty disillusioined and that is very normal and understandable.

i remember learning a long time ago, even before i admitted my addiction, that if you take something away you need to replace it with something else, otherwise you feel like there is nothing.

also when we feel like there is nothing else we are forgetting all the other things there are, like your kids.

life is not worse now, it is just different and part of the process for me in giving up the booze is to learn that my life is now different. some things are the same, i am still me, i still have my hubby, house, kids, car, job etc but i relate to them in a different way.

learnign to live life without booze is a challenge, even when you arent the drinker. you have been used to a certain way of him living for so long, you now need to learn a different way of life with him. he is also probably trying to learn how to live without booze, he probably doesnt know who he is either.

my hubby had an affair a year ago, which really escalating my drinking and prompted me to stop (so i could see what he was up to haha). it has taken a year of ups and downs and sometimes, we would look at each other and say "what do we talk about now - we have nothing to argue or talk about if we arent talking about drinking and affairs etc"

it feels sort of daft to talk about the weather, or work or what is on the news when for so long our life and conversations surrounded the other stuff. i used to also think when he would talk to me about different things, "why are you telling me that? haha"

many years ago i saw a wonderful comedy sketch on tv where there was a couple in a resturant and the resturant gave out 'converstation cards" to couples so they had something to talk about haha. eg "madam would you like, world news, gardening, sports or philosophy with your meal tonight" haha, it was a classic, and i think that sometimes we need conversation cards haha.

re learning to be a couple is a slow and at times 'odd' feeling but it also a wonderful opportunity to grow.

yep it hurts, your feel cheated, like you have done all this hard work for nothing, but the process isnt over yet, it is still continuing. and no one is going to give you a gold star for helping him, he will be seen as the hero cause of course he will be seen to have done the hard work haha. give yourself the gold star, you are the champion and no one else needs to know that, you do though an you need to remember it

i hope all this makes sense to you

hugs to you, congratulations of what you have acheived in supporting him, and the strength you have shown to date, will lead you to a contining and positive future, whatever that becomes

kath

Jeff_C

You already ARE a strong, involved, loving, woman, and the action of your life, your intent speaks in that language. Like most of us you’re doing battle with a vicious and pernicious enemy which wants to claim any life it can, his, yours, your children’s. Sometimes it is darkest before the dawn, but understand that the exhaustion, and futility of the moment will pass in the same manner, as does that darkness. I guess none of us gets to “know� what comes next, but with relentlessly using the tools of our program, whatever it will be will be better than the dis-ease that we combat. Hang in there. You’re creating the life that you want even though it’s not always clear. Use the “tools�-------------all of ‘em.
Jeff

smoke gets in my eyes

((( McTired! )))

You're not dumb. You're in a hurry. Nobody here blames you. It took five years for Dino's crack habit to beat me into the ground, but when it finally did, I was decimated. He took and drained and damaged for all that time and I felt like now it was my turn. I get to be the basket case and he has to put in all the effort for a change. Trouble was, at my nuttiest I was never as far gone as Dino. It's taken him almost two years to settle down to merely neurotic. He isn't capable of a give and take relationship , though he's a lot better. Now why would I want to hang in with a person like that? Just at the moment I'm not sure I do... but check back with me tomorrow. It's one day at a time here.

It doesn't seem fair when we've endured the madness to then have to endure the recovery... but it takes endurance. That's why there is good old alanon to support us.

Hugs!
Smoke

jeepgirl

hi Mc,
having a daughter that is bi-polar and now an addict, my husband and I were consumed (but more me) with "curring" her for years now. It has taken a tole on our marriage.

As I entered Nar-anon, and began to detach, I saw how consumed I had been in trying to "fix" her. Now she has been out of the house for a while. I am working on leaving her recover to her... I also found that I had nothing to talk about! I have begun to work on getting my own life more interested. I have gone back to drawing, am attending a class I used to go to (spirituality), attending nar-anon meetings occasionally, shopping (I bought myself a new car - without my husband because he wouldn't shop with me!), meeting with a girlfriend for coffee on saturday mornings.

Our relationship - although it needs much more repair, has been improving as a result. I have found that by shifting my focus back to myself, rekindling my interests, life in general has improved, as well as my relationship with my husband (who I blamed for many of our problems). jeepgirl

journeygal

hi McTired,

During the first few months of Jack's recovery, it was like living with a zombie. What you described was exactly the way it was. He seemed so empty and so defeated. But it took a long time for crack to nearly destroy us - it certainly wasn't going to be fixed overnight. And of course, I had to start my recovery too.

Like Smoke said, it's one day at a time. It won't always be like this and some days will be better than others. Keep focusing on and taking care of yourself.

Hugs,
JG

McKrazy

thanks all who responded and "heard" me. I needed to say my heart, and your kind words helped me not to feel alone. Today feels better, maybe even different. I think each time I make a "break-through", I suffer the grieving of letting go of something I always thought I needed to be happy. This week I went to my first F2F and I think that just got my brain thinking that this was now my "new life". Once again this disease was going to control yet another block of time and energy and while I liked it, learned from it, I felt resentful that my already too busy life needed to accomodate the remedy for my poor choices, and my A's addiction. three steps forward...... you know. Anyway, when all I got was silence and grief from him over my making this step it just became over-whelming and I had to sit in that place and wait to stop hurting, I guess. But I'm so lucky to have such caring people in my corner. Thank you all, I'm sure that won't be the last time you come to my emotional rescue!LOL But I just hope to return the favor to some of you before this whole journey is over.

Jeff_C

It’s all about priorities, and putting the program first. In AA we have a saying that goes, “Whatever I put in front of my sobriety will be the second thing that I lose�. That statement is made in the knowledge that without our recovery we simply aren’t gonna have anything anyway. The same is true over on this side. While we tend to think that we have busy lives and need to make time to accommodate our recovery, perhaps we should be considering our recovery first and making those other things accommodate that.

Without our recovery, all we have is that “old� way of thinking and processing the world, and it’s not “old� if we’re still doin’ it. There are a million “excuses� for not making meetings, or working the program, just like there are a million excuses for the “A� to drink. We recognize none of THEM as valid. Why would we recognize our “excuses� to persist in the same ol same ol as valid? Probably because it’s “us�, and of course we think we get to operate by “different� rules, when the fact is what we put between our recovery and us, is not one whit different than what the A puts between him and his recovery.
Jeff