Slowly being driven mad!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: London
Posts: 2
Slowly being driven mad!
Hi everyone,
I am the girlfriend of an alcoholic. We met 3 years ago but have been in a relationship for a year. I knew he was a big drinker when I met him, he is a soldier in the British Army and it is well known for it's drinking culture.
I was going through a divorce at the same time as him when we met, we met up again 12 months ago, began to date and started a relationship.
Now after a while the nights out subside, reality kicks in and responsibilities take over..like work, life etc! However, he has a real problem. He drinks every day and not just a small amount, he gets DRUNK every evening and goes to work stinking of booze.
I have reacted in almost every way: screamed, reasoned, lectured, ended the relationship (only to take him back), basically everything! It's now a week before Christmas and he has been on a bender for 7hrs. I can't take it anymore. I dislike him when he is drunk, he bores me when he is drunk, I am sick of having the same crappy and rambling conversations when he is drunk and I completely realise I can@t change him and I am starting to realise I need to get out.
He has so far gone from leaving me the pity voicemails - to the angry and accusing ones right through to saying 'I am just like his ex wife and I don't love him because I will leave him like she did'. He hasn't called in 2 hrs so he's probably passed out somewhere, but it will start again tomorrow for sure!
How do you force the guilt down in order to leave these pitiful people? I know I have no future with him (except a miserable one) and I know he is not faithful when he is drunk (he's too drunk to cover his tracks well), but guilt keeps me by his side, guilt and pity!
I hate it, please tell me how to get the hell out of this before he drives me utterly insane!
I am the girlfriend of an alcoholic. We met 3 years ago but have been in a relationship for a year. I knew he was a big drinker when I met him, he is a soldier in the British Army and it is well known for it's drinking culture.
I was going through a divorce at the same time as him when we met, we met up again 12 months ago, began to date and started a relationship.
Now after a while the nights out subside, reality kicks in and responsibilities take over..like work, life etc! However, he has a real problem. He drinks every day and not just a small amount, he gets DRUNK every evening and goes to work stinking of booze.
I have reacted in almost every way: screamed, reasoned, lectured, ended the relationship (only to take him back), basically everything! It's now a week before Christmas and he has been on a bender for 7hrs. I can't take it anymore. I dislike him when he is drunk, he bores me when he is drunk, I am sick of having the same crappy and rambling conversations when he is drunk and I completely realise I can@t change him and I am starting to realise I need to get out.
He has so far gone from leaving me the pity voicemails - to the angry and accusing ones right through to saying 'I am just like his ex wife and I don't love him because I will leave him like she did'. He hasn't called in 2 hrs so he's probably passed out somewhere, but it will start again tomorrow for sure!
How do you force the guilt down in order to leave these pitiful people? I know I have no future with him (except a miserable one) and I know he is not faithful when he is drunk (he's too drunk to cover his tracks well), but guilt keeps me by his side, guilt and pity!
I hate it, please tell me how to get the hell out of this before he drives me utterly insane!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Hi & welcome to SR.
Firstly you are not to blame for any of this.
What the alcoholic does is his own actions, not yours.
Know in your heart you have tried to love, support & help but only he can help himself.
I know it's hard, I left mine recently too.
He's gone on to the next available enabler but he is still drinking & cheating.
I had to laugh when you said your alcoholic says the same boring stuff over & over as I'd forgotten mine did that, so thanks for the reminder of what I'm not missing lol.
We are here for you.
Time to focus on you, recover & go on to live a healthy life.
Hugs
:ghug3
Firstly you are not to blame for any of this.
What the alcoholic does is his own actions, not yours.
Know in your heart you have tried to love, support & help but only he can help himself.
I know it's hard, I left mine recently too.
He's gone on to the next available enabler but he is still drinking & cheating.
I had to laugh when you said your alcoholic says the same boring stuff over & over as I'd forgotten mine did that, so thanks for the reminder of what I'm not missing lol.
We are here for you.
Time to focus on you, recover & go on to live a healthy life.
Hugs
:ghug3
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
This is a progressive disease, without working a strong recovery program for life...he will get worse...that's the bad news...the good news...you can chose to jump off the rollercoaster anytime you want to.
Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of all the Family & Friends Forums and the blogs posted by cynical one. Very valuable information at your fingertips.
The bottom line is that...this is his problem to resolve, not yours.
Keep posting, keep reading others posts, it will help.
Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of all the Family & Friends Forums and the blogs posted by cynical one. Very valuable information at your fingertips.
The bottom line is that...this is his problem to resolve, not yours.
Keep posting, keep reading others posts, it will help.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
You are allowed to make a decision because it is healthy for you. You don't have to stick around in an unhealthy situation, there is no shame in moving on.
I stayed in an unhealthy situation for far too long with XABF because I felt that if something bad happened to him it would be my fault.
But his choices are his choices and not my responsibility.
I finally had the courage to leave because someone I trusted from AA told me that he wouldn't get better as long as I remained to "protect him" from the consequences of his actions. I wasn't helping, I was hurting, and that's how I finally fought back the guilt that was keeping me from leaving.
Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.
I stayed in an unhealthy situation for far too long with XABF because I felt that if something bad happened to him it would be my fault.
But his choices are his choices and not my responsibility.
I finally had the courage to leave because someone I trusted from AA told me that he wouldn't get better as long as I remained to "protect him" from the consequences of his actions. I wasn't helping, I was hurting, and that's how I finally fought back the guilt that was keeping me from leaving.
Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
How do you force the guilt down in order to leave these pitiful people? I know I have no future with him (except a miserable one) and I know he is not faithful when he is drunk (he's too drunk to cover his tracks well), but guilt keeps me by his side, guilt and pity!
What do you feel guilty about??? He has made all of his own decisions, he decides to drink, cheat, lie, blame etc etc etc
It is not cold to take responsibility of your own life and make it the life you deserve.
My x bored me too when he was drinking, I put up with being bored and abused far too long.
He doesn't feel the least bit guilty about making you miserable.
Time to take care of you. Keep posting, Katie
What do you feel guilty about??? He has made all of his own decisions, he decides to drink, cheat, lie, blame etc etc etc
It is not cold to take responsibility of your own life and make it the life you deserve.
My x bored me too when he was drinking, I put up with being bored and abused far too long.
He doesn't feel the least bit guilty about making you miserable.
Time to take care of you. Keep posting, Katie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
I am sorry you are feeling upset. I understand the guilt thing - I feel that for AH but have to remind myself he doesn't feel guilty being hateful to me and ruining our family because of his selfish ways and drinking - it still hurts though and for that I send you hugs and support.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
I don't think it sounded cold! Most of us here likely know exactly how you feel! I don't think it's a matter of not loving someone but being tired of being dismissed for a bunch of BS. I see no reason for you to carry any quilt for leaving! I found it hard to leave bc I guess I just didn't want to/became dependent....rarely did I feel quilt except when he was high dry wo anyone & working on getting sober!
I wish I had worried more about myself and ran! Certainly would have been easier in the end. Best wishes
I wish I had worried more about myself and ran! Certainly would have been easier in the end. Best wishes
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
YOU are choosing to allow HIS disease, HIS problem ,to hold YOU hostage.
There comes a point when we have to free ourselves from the chains that bind us.
You have every right to live a life free of addiction.
You have every right to live a peaceful life.
You are not responsible for him. He is a grown man.
His choices, His consequences.
You are not legally married to him, you have no legal obligation.
Exactly what are you getting out of this relationship????
If it were me, I would run so fast and so far, AND never look back.
Time to start taking care of YOU!!!
There comes a point when we have to free ourselves from the chains that bind us.
You have every right to live a life free of addiction.
You have every right to live a peaceful life.
You are not responsible for him. He is a grown man.
His choices, His consequences.
You are not legally married to him, you have no legal obligation.
Exactly what are you getting out of this relationship????
If it were me, I would run so fast and so far, AND never look back.
Time to start taking care of YOU!!!
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Wow I totally get this.
The driving me nuts part.
They seriously make you question your sanity with all their ranting.
I couldnt count how many times ive heard the same story....not to mention his drunken views and opinions...twisted and crazy that make me rather bonkers.
Then the denial ....the I dont want to ralk about that....the whole big baby insanity.
BUT thats what we will deal with until we walk away or until they get help.
Theres no imbetween...eventually someone does one or the other.
Maybe its him....maybe it you.
That ultimately is you decision if you want to stick around to see.
It soubds like he is not ready to quit yet though...hope im wrong
The driving me nuts part.
They seriously make you question your sanity with all their ranting.
I couldnt count how many times ive heard the same story....not to mention his drunken views and opinions...twisted and crazy that make me rather bonkers.
Then the denial ....the I dont want to ralk about that....the whole big baby insanity.
BUT thats what we will deal with until we walk away or until they get help.
Theres no imbetween...eventually someone does one or the other.
Maybe its him....maybe it you.
That ultimately is you decision if you want to stick around to see.
It soubds like he is not ready to quit yet though...hope im wrong
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by Katiekate 
How do you force the guilt down in order to leave these pitiful people? I know I have no future with him (except a miserable one) and I know he is not faithful when he is drunk (he's too drunk to cover his tracks well), but guilt keeps me by his side, guilt and pity!
What do you feel guilty about??? He has made all of his own decisions, he decides to drink, cheat, lie, blame etc etc etc
It is not cold to take responsibility of your own life and make it the life you deserve.
My x bored me too when he was drinking, I put up with being bored and abused far too long.
He doesn't feel the least bit guilty about making you miserable.
Time to take care of you. Keep posting, Katie
What do you feel guilty about??? He has made all of his own decisions, he decides to drink, cheat, lie, blame etc etc etc
It is not cold to take responsibility of your own life and make it the life you deserve.
My x bored me too when he was drinking, I put up with being bored and abused far too long.
He doesn't feel the least bit guilty about making you miserable.
Time to take care of you. Keep posting, Katie
I am glad I read this thread because I completely forgot about how BORING he was. Always talking about the same thing day in and day out. I also started getting super annoyed with him. The things we forget about once we leave, it's interesting how the mind can white-wash things.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR!
Curious - would you want someone to stay in a relationship with you if he only felt guilt and pity? And I ask that not for a response, but to flip the perspective around. It's easy for us to think of others to the point of shortchanging ourselves, and often we forget what it might feel like if the shoe were on the other foot.
As Starcat says so eloquently above, you don't need to stay in a situation that is unhealthy for you, out of fear of hurting someone else.
I know ending a relationship is tough - I know I have stayed in relationships for too long out of the same sense of guilt. But I also know I'd never want someone to stay in a relationship with me who didn't completely want to be there, and for all the right reasons!
~T
Curious - would you want someone to stay in a relationship with you if he only felt guilt and pity? And I ask that not for a response, but to flip the perspective around. It's easy for us to think of others to the point of shortchanging ourselves, and often we forget what it might feel like if the shoe were on the other foot.
As Starcat says so eloquently above, you don't need to stay in a situation that is unhealthy for you, out of fear of hurting someone else.
I know ending a relationship is tough - I know I have stayed in relationships for too long out of the same sense of guilt. But I also know I'd never want someone to stay in a relationship with me who didn't completely want to be there, and for all the right reasons!
~T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by Ontheegde
I know he is not faithful when he is drunk (he's too drunk to cover his tracks well), but guilt keeps me by his side, guilt and pity!
You are worth so much more than what he *can* give you and I'm not talking about him loving, caring and supporting you in a healthy manner... I'm talking heebie jeebies Girl.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Hello and welcome to SR.
I'm happy you found us but it's unfortunate that you had to.
When I first came here I remember learning the 3 Cs which really helped me out.
You didn't Cause this.
You can't Control it.
You can't Change it.
I'm happy you found us but it's unfortunate that you had to.
When I first came here I remember learning the 3 Cs which really helped me out.
You didn't Cause this.
You can't Control it.
You can't Change it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Bethany, Ok
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by StarCat
You are allowed to make a decision because it is healthy for you. You don't have to stick around in an unhealthy situation, there is no shame in moving on.
I stayed in an unhealthy situation for far too long with XABF because I felt that if something bad happened to him it would be my fault.
But his choices are his choices and not my responsibility.
I finally had the courage to leave because someone I trusted from AA told me that he wouldn't get better as long as I remained to "protect him" from the consequences of his actions. I wasn't helping, I was hurting, and that's how I finally fought back the guilt that was keeping me from leaving.
Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.
I stayed in an unhealthy situation for far too long with XABF because I felt that if something bad happened to him it would be my fault.
But his choices are his choices and not my responsibility.
I finally had the courage to leave because someone I trusted from AA told me that he wouldn't get better as long as I remained to "protect him" from the consequences of his actions. I wasn't helping, I was hurting, and that's how I finally fought back the guilt that was keeping me from leaving.
Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 198
My STBXAH bored me too, with either getting high or drunk - just sitting there. Or, he'd be really chatty and talk about the same thing over and over again. Or he'd get sh*tty drunk and pick fights with me. I felt pity for him for a long time, always caving into him - he was a master at placing the blame on me and my guilt kicked in. I would scream at him to grow up and take responsibility for his own actions, but to no avail. I was in denial about his alcoholism for a long time.
Educate yourself about addiction and the progression, take care of yourself. Something I first read here when I joined this past summer that took a while to sink in: unacceptable behavior is unacceptable. Believe you are worthy of being treated well, that you are worthy of fidelity, respect, and honesty.
Educate yourself about addiction and the progression, take care of yourself. Something I first read here when I joined this past summer that took a while to sink in: unacceptable behavior is unacceptable. Believe you are worthy of being treated well, that you are worthy of fidelity, respect, and honesty.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Not being faithful would be a real dealbreaker for me. A mature relationship is built on trust and respect and right now you have neither. What else is going on here? Are you afraid of being alone perhaps?
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