new here, need advice

Old 12-19-2012, 08:15 AM
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new here, need advice

Hi Friends,
I am new to the addiction scene. My daughter is in rehab. She went on her own and really I am very proud of her, but still guarded as I was shocked by how much she had been drinking and for how long. The lies, the deceit, the broken promises, friendships lost, her anger and judgement toward others, it is all crashing on me and I find I am so angry at her for all she has done to hurt our family. I don't feel very hopeful about her recovery. She suffers from terrible anxiety and has been depressed for years. She has been on antidepressants and antianxiety meds for years, they have helped some but obviously not enough as she was self medicating with alcohol to the point of addiction.

I am supposed to write a letter, an honest letter, for her to read in group about how her addiction has affected me. I am worried that the truth will only send her deeper into despair because the guilt and shame is already a heavy cross for her to bear. On the other hand, I have never been honest with her about my feelings. I feel terribly angry and taken advantage of. When the going gets tough, she always gets going... I mean runs away, hides in her own life, never contributes to family troubles, is 'put out' if a younger sibling is in need of support, god forbid her dad or I should need anything from her.

All told my daughter is incredibly self absorbed and now she is in rehab during the holidays, when we are all at our busiest she is being catered to; doing yoga, talking through her problems, journaling, eating good food; man, what I would give for some time off work, some time away from my obligations and responsibilities... Someone put me in rehab please!

I am so conflicted. I am happy she is getting the help she needs, I am proud of her for taking this step AND I am mad as hell that she is there during this very stressful time which requires that I take time (once again!) out of my life (and the life of all my other adult children and grandchildren) to deal with her troubles! Arghhh. Not to mention the cost of this rehab facility, which again I know causes her tremendous guilt but will likely have serious consequence for the entire family (no family vacation this year, maybe next year too).

So my question is: how honest should I be with her about the anger I feel toward her being in rehab over the holidays or about the consequences of the cost of rehab? I need to be supportive of this decision, right? Isn't telling her my truth going to be counter productive? I know they want to teach her to face her addiction and the consequences it has had to the relationships in her life, but where do I draw the line? Yes, she has made some terrible decisions that have hurt me, her dad, her sibs, her friends. Does it really help to enumerate these for her?

I hope some of you with rehab experience can give me your thoughts on these matters and help guide me in writing this difficult letter.

I would also like to know how effective rehab has been for many people. It seems to be not very effective given that 95% are drinking again within a year (is this a true statistic?). Is it worthwhile? This facility costs so much money! Not that she is not worth it, of course she is. But at my age and stage I have working for 40+ years so that my children could be educated and have opportunities I didn't. Now I am paying for rehab instead of taking a vacation or putting money in the bank for retirement (ha!) and I resent this so very much. But I also love her with all my heart and would do anything to save her from this wretched disease. What am I to do?

Thanks for listening.
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Old 12-19-2012, 09:59 AM
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Originally Posted by nano View Post
I would also like to know how effective rehab has been for many people. It seems to be not very effective given that 95% are drinking again within a year (is this a true statistic?). Is it worthwhile? This facility costs so much money! Not that she is not worth it, of course she is. But at my age and stage I have working for 40+ years so that my children could be educated and have opportunities I didn't. Now I am paying for rehab instead of taking a vacation or putting money in the bank for retirement (ha!) and I resent this so very much. But I also love her with all my heart and would do anything to save her from this wretched disease. What am I to do?

Thanks for listening.
Rehab, unfortunately, does not make the problem go away - that's your daughter's job, so the effectiveness of rehab depends upon her commitment to getting better. That said, rehab will give her tools she can use, show her where and what kinds of help are available, and in the words of a recovered addict I know, "Rehab took all the fun out of it because after that, every time I used, I knew *exactly* what I was doing and who I was hurting and why I needed to stop."

In short, rehab for most isn't a "suddenly everything is all better" sort of cure.

That said, I am a big believer in rehab. It will let *you* have some space without the usual drama (so you can re-center yourself), it will bring her face-to-face with some hard realities, and when she's ready to get better she'll know her options.

Just don't expect rainbows and kittens right away, you can't really put a time frame on this. It's more a story like the Colorado River and the Grand Canyon. And then of course the story of how long it will take... XABF died in large part due to complications of his whiskey addiction, but I am told he was sober and active in AA at the end, and I believe a lot of that was assisted by what he learned in rehab. He didn't start working on true sobriety until after our relationship was destroyed beyond repair, but he found it in the end.


As for the letter, I'm sorry, I cannot help. I don't really know the right things to put in the letter, perhaps you should simply write one with everything you're feeling (to get the feelings in the open), then wait a bit before writing a simplified version? I don't really know. I do believe keeping the focus of the letter on YOU and YOUR feelings rather than focusing on her will help, though, as it will not only be more focused on truth rather than finger pointing, by also YOUR perspective is something addicts don't generally consider and it will help take the focus off her and onto who she affects.

I did want to weigh in on the rehab, though. It's something I feel strongly about.
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Old 12-19-2012, 04:06 PM
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Having a real mental illness makes substance abuse recovery more difficult. This is particularly true in those who were diagnosed with mental illness BEFORE the addiction. However, it is possible and many do "dual diagnosed" people recover. Most state run and "bare-bones" type rehabs don't address both. The expensive ones usually do & can be quite helpful.
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Old 12-19-2012, 04:12 PM
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I would never sacrifice the money that I had earned and saved for my retirement for someone's rehab--child or not. She can figure out a way to be sober if she chooses. I say this as an alcoholic.
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Old 12-19-2012, 05:34 PM
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How old is your daughter if I may ask?
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Old 12-19-2012, 07:44 PM
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Thanks for all the feedback. It really helps to hear different opinions from people who have some experience in these matters. My daughter is 26. She has been functioning fairly well up until now, but as I said the amount of booze she was actually drinking is astounding... And scary. She is lucky to be alive.

I appreciate the idea of using this letter as a cathartic exercise to start and then honing it down to something more focused before I push send. Any other thoughts on the guilt associated with the costs of rehab? According to my daughter it is this fact that has kept her from going to rehab much sooner.

She does have a conscience about money and knows how hard we have worked to provide her with a good life. She is very hard on herself and often I find it difficult to reprimand her as she is a much harsher self critic than I could ever be. Often times I find myself defending her because she feels so bad when she blows it. Very convoluted, I know.
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Old 12-20-2012, 07:25 AM
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Originally Posted by nano View Post
She does have a conscience about money and knows how hard we have worked to provide her with a good life. She is very hard on herself and often I find it difficult to reprimand her as she is a much harsher self critic than I could ever be. Often times I find myself defending her because she feels so bad when she blows it. Very convoluted, I know.
This is true with many alcoholics & those suffering from depression. If she stays sober I would say the cost of rehab was worth every dollar.
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Old 12-20-2012, 07:40 AM
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Thanks for this, justfor1, I need some reinforcement right now and some reasons to stay on track with this rehab and be hopeful.
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Old 12-20-2012, 07:54 AM
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As hard as it is, especially with a child, even a grown child, it may be time to think about letting go of being involved in her issues, her responses - not feeling obligated to either reprimand or defend her. She is an adult, and this is hers to solve. It may be more powerful for her to go through this without filtering her choices through what you think of what she's chosen. It is possible that that reinforces some dependence in her behavior.

I think it's a great idea to write a letter with no holds barred about exactly how you feel. You might want to do it as a journal, and add new entries and revise and change as your feelings change. As to what you send to your daughter at rehab, you might only want to write a few sentences.

This is so tough, and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Remember, we'd didn't cause this, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. Your daughter is young, and there is great hope for her if and when she takes full responsibility for the totality of her own behavior and her own life and future.

Here's hoping she'll wake up and take on the challenge!

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Old 12-20-2012, 08:09 AM
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Statistics will vary depending on where you look. Whether she will be sober or not when she leaves is completely on her shoulders. She will need to decide that she is done with drinking and that she wants a better life for herself.

I wouldn't pay for someone's rehab. There are free rehab options and as a recovered addict, I know from personal experience that if the A does not want to change, then no matter how nice the rehab is or how long the rehab, won't make a difference. It all comes down to one factor, whether she is ready to turn her life around. I don't know any addicts that got clean just because they went to rehab, they needed to be ready to change their entire lives around.

As for the letter, I would be honest. Tell her how her addiction has affected you. She is 26 years old, she can handle the truth. In fact, I think knowing the truth will give her a reality check and force her to face that her addiction isn't just ruining her life, it is affecting those around her that she loves. When I was in active addiction I would tell myself that I don't get why everyone cares that I use, it was my life and it doesn't affect them. It is when I started talking to my mother and siblings that I realized that it affected everyone. It wasn't that they just were hurt and worried by my addiction, it was that I was slowly killing them all along with myself.

Also, remember, her being in rehab doesn't mean that you need to take time out of your life or take off work. She is there and she is safe, the rest is up to her. You should take this time to work on setting boundaries and taking care of yourself. Focus on you, not her. You health (emotional and physical) should be a main focus.
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Old 12-20-2012, 09:24 AM
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Thank you shootingstar and Maylie for you thoughtful replies.

"As hard as it is, especially with a child, even a grown child, it may be time to think about letting go of being involved in her issues, her responses - not feeling obligated to either reprimand or defend her. She is an adult, and this is hers to solve. It may be more powerful for her to go through this without filtering her choices through what you think of what she's chosen. It is possible that that reinforces some dependence in her behavior."

What great insight. I do think the biggest lesson for me here is to back off, way off, and let my daughter realize this life is hers, not mine, not her family's. She is in desperate need of self identity and my getting out of the way is likely the best thing I could do for her.

"Also, remember, her being in rehab doesn't mean that you need to take time out of your life or take off work. She is there and she is safe, the rest is up to her. You should take this time to work on setting boundaries and taking care of yourself. Focus on you, not her. You health (emotional and physical) should be a main focus."

Thank you for this, I agree in theory. I have also not yet talked with friends or extended family so I am feeling very isolated in my grief. I am trying to decide if talking about it would be helpful to me or just cause more pain and heartache. How do you decide who to confide in, talk to?? Also complicating this time for "me" idea are several requirements of the rehab facility itself: the Christmas celebration at rehab which is on a very busy work day for me and my husband; writing this letter for her rehab is taking an enormous effort; and then this rehab has a week long family class that we are supposed to take... When I asked how do they accommodate for working families she said that most people take family sick leave!? There are many demands being made of my time by rehab, which I am willing to do but it seems like such conflicting messages I am getting and I am trying to sort it all out... Pay for rehab, but HANDS OFF; come to our classes during your work week, which just serves to heighten my resentment which in turn increases the tension/anxiety/dependence that causes my daughter to drink in the first place; be honest in your letter about all the costs to you, but don't say anything that might through her off her game and make her leave rehab!! I find the entire situation untenable and very difficult to navigate in a clear and honest fashion.
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Old 12-20-2012, 09:31 AM
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Thanks for this, justfor1, I need some reinforcement right now and some reasons to stay on track with this rehab and be hopeful.
I have family members who struggle with addiction & I am in recovery. I have been to many treatment centers & the free ones never really seemed to help. The cost of her addiction will be 10X the amount of rehab if she continues to drink. The disease of alcoholism is progressive and, without a doubt, progresses.
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Old 12-20-2012, 09:32 AM
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Nano,

I will saying confiding in a few close friends has been a lifesaver for me. I tend to isolate and not like sharing my problems- but, for my mental health its been good. Also, I don't think it does our children any good to "hide" their problems.

I know exactly what you are feeling about family week. I did not want to go- felt like I'd done enough for my DS. My DH had work obligations and was only able to do part of it. However, I went and I did get a lot out of it. Probably the best part was connecting with other families that know EXACTLY what you are going through. I still keep in touch with several families that I met at our family week.
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Old 12-20-2012, 09:46 AM
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Something I have found useful from AlAnon is the acronym "FOG" - Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

I have learned that if I am doing something because of the FOG, I probably shouldn't be doing it. It's only going to cause resentment and pain, now or later.

If you don't feel like going to their "mandatory" classes, you don't have to. I think a lot of the time they try and pressure you into that sort of thing so that (a) there's the "Look at all the rehab is doing!" feeling (for their benefit) and (b) to educate the family on some of the realities of addiction (for the addict's and family's benefit).
You don't really benefit from the first point, and you're already actively working on the second as witnessed by you finding this forum.

I would not say not to educate yourself about addiction - you need to so you're ready to deal with things when she gets out! - but there are other resources available like SR or AlAnon that will work better for someone with a busy schedule if the rehab will not work with you.

Maybe take off work on Monday for the first day of their training, just so you have a starting point on the rehab's input into things, and then work the rest of the week? Or whatever works for you. You don't have to commit to the whole thing all at once if you feel the resentment coming on - it would be less beneficial. But give it a shot for a day, and you can decide from there.

You're allowed to take care of yourself, and rehabs aren't a one-size-fits-all sort of arrangement. The rehab XABF went to was supposed to limit his time on the phone to 5 minutes a day (per their own rules) but he'd still call 10 times a day for 20-30 minutes at a time to try and rule my life from inside. I complained to the staff, who told me he shouldn't be able to do that and didn't believe me when I said he was. They wouldn't help, his in-rehab therapist wouldn't address the issue with him, so I had to come up with my own solution which consisted of blocking the number and not talking to him at all.

Rehabs are more versed in addiction treatment than we are, but that doesn't mean they're always right or that they know what is best in a particular situation. You need to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and sometimes that's not the path the rehab wants you to take.

Keep in mind, too, that rehab is a business. They're being paid to worry about the addict, not to worry about you, so their priority is going to be on what they're being paid for. Nothing wrong with that as long as you keep your needs in your priority list, and if there's a conflict you're allowed to come first.

Speaking of which, she's somewhere where she is safe, now is the time for you to take advantage of that and learn to breath and re-center yourself on you and your needs. She's got paid professionals looking out for hers, you can take a break from that. (This is another reason I am a firm believer in rehab).
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Old 12-20-2012, 11:18 PM
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Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone for all your important and pertinent insights and advice. I feel like a sponge right now, just needing to absorb as much as I can from others who have walked this road.

I went to my first al anon meeting tonight. I can see that it will be a great resource for me and my husband. I feel lucky in that many of the people there seemed to be suffering from a similar circumstance; dealing with a young adult child addict. Misery loves company indeed.

I was able to vent some of my frustrations at the inconsistencies and outright disorganization of the rehab center. It felt good to air this and get feedback from people who are several weeks or months ahead of me in this process. It was also validating to hear that others had had similarly frustrating experiences in the beginning which prompts me to think I should write a letter to the director illuminating my experience, while it is still fresh in my mind.

Goodnight you all. Today is another day, the sun shall shine, and life will go on...
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