Learning to walk again I believe I've waited long enough
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 186
Learning to walk again I believe I've waited long enough
Thought i would post a quick intro...
My name is Carrie and i currently live with an active addict - my AO - my addicted other.
We all know that addiction is progressive, so although my AO was using for 15 years before me it wasn't effecting him too too bad. He had alot of enablers and in his strange circle of family and friends drug addiction isn't considered a serious problem.
5 years ago he moved in with me and took occassional pain pills. I didn't keep strong boundaries so i accept fullresponsibility for allowing this freak show to conitue. There would be an occasional xanax bender and i would go crazy and attempt to put my foot down but then i would wimp out. AO PROGRESSED and got his own script for pills about a year and a half into the relationship. He started selling them. The doctor was his worst enabler... gave AO the max pills he could and would refill early. AO would tell me how the dr office reminded him of a crack house. Thankfully this dr has since list his right to practice medicine.
I am a recovering alcoholic myself... so after 2 years of living with AO i caved and used for about a year. I cleanes up on my own but didn't end it with AO.
AO lost his access to pills from the dr and that is when things went from really bad to a living hell. The stealing and lying intensified. The desperation in AO's actions was sad to watch. But still i stayed.
AO got himself on the local methadone program a year ago. Some would think the problems went away. Not a chance. In his case it was like living with someone doped up on pills 24/7. He wasn't using any other drugs... but the methadone had him high. I finally learned how to keep my money out of AO's hands.. so he went and got a job. Methadone had him happy and doped up so he decided to start heavy use into cocaine.
Pay check after paycheck went to coke. Urine test after urine teat at the clinic showed positive for coke.. and no one did anything. I didnt do anything productive. I did some yelling and nearly lost my mind.. but i stayed. Thankfully he was fired after 3 months.
Still unsure why, but AO quit the methadone cold turkey about 2 months ago. The coke use has continued daily since then. He is crossing his own boundaries now due to his progression. This past weekend he startes on oxys again.
AO states he is entering rehab. I will believe it when he does it.
So that is his story... i still entangle myself in his story. But slowly i am giving it all back to him.
What have i learned from this?
1 - that i can tell if AO has used or is going to use.This is a useless gift though. AO is always so frustrated that he is always caught.
2 - my soberity is stronger than ever. I know who i dont want to become like.
3 - AO has to recover on his own. For his own reasons. I am not one to turn things over to God. But i do turn his use and recovery over to AO.
4 - I deserve more. I need to do more for myself. I need to get a life.
5 - i have let AO live with his mess and consequences. I do not makeup for him.
I have not come to the point of putting him out of the house yet. Not sure if that is something i want to do. But i am getting to a point of leaving him alone in the house and moving out.
I am no longer surprised by his actions. I am surprises by my own though. I am making the right choices for me now. This is no longer about his addiction... it is about my happiness and health.
Carrie
My name is Carrie and i currently live with an active addict - my AO - my addicted other.
We all know that addiction is progressive, so although my AO was using for 15 years before me it wasn't effecting him too too bad. He had alot of enablers and in his strange circle of family and friends drug addiction isn't considered a serious problem.
5 years ago he moved in with me and took occassional pain pills. I didn't keep strong boundaries so i accept fullresponsibility for allowing this freak show to conitue. There would be an occasional xanax bender and i would go crazy and attempt to put my foot down but then i would wimp out. AO PROGRESSED and got his own script for pills about a year and a half into the relationship. He started selling them. The doctor was his worst enabler... gave AO the max pills he could and would refill early. AO would tell me how the dr office reminded him of a crack house. Thankfully this dr has since list his right to practice medicine.
I am a recovering alcoholic myself... so after 2 years of living with AO i caved and used for about a year. I cleanes up on my own but didn't end it with AO.
AO lost his access to pills from the dr and that is when things went from really bad to a living hell. The stealing and lying intensified. The desperation in AO's actions was sad to watch. But still i stayed.
AO got himself on the local methadone program a year ago. Some would think the problems went away. Not a chance. In his case it was like living with someone doped up on pills 24/7. He wasn't using any other drugs... but the methadone had him high. I finally learned how to keep my money out of AO's hands.. so he went and got a job. Methadone had him happy and doped up so he decided to start heavy use into cocaine.
Pay check after paycheck went to coke. Urine test after urine teat at the clinic showed positive for coke.. and no one did anything. I didnt do anything productive. I did some yelling and nearly lost my mind.. but i stayed. Thankfully he was fired after 3 months.
Still unsure why, but AO quit the methadone cold turkey about 2 months ago. The coke use has continued daily since then. He is crossing his own boundaries now due to his progression. This past weekend he startes on oxys again.
AO states he is entering rehab. I will believe it when he does it.
So that is his story... i still entangle myself in his story. But slowly i am giving it all back to him.
What have i learned from this?
1 - that i can tell if AO has used or is going to use.This is a useless gift though. AO is always so frustrated that he is always caught.
2 - my soberity is stronger than ever. I know who i dont want to become like.
3 - AO has to recover on his own. For his own reasons. I am not one to turn things over to God. But i do turn his use and recovery over to AO.
4 - I deserve more. I need to do more for myself. I need to get a life.
5 - i have let AO live with his mess and consequences. I do not makeup for him.
I have not come to the point of putting him out of the house yet. Not sure if that is something i want to do. But i am getting to a point of leaving him alone in the house and moving out.
I am no longer surprised by his actions. I am surprises by my own though. I am making the right choices for me now. This is no longer about his addiction... it is about my happiness and health.
Carrie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to the forum.....I hope you find support and strength here.
Just like an addict or alcoholic, we who love them also eventually reach a point.....a bottom....where we begin to understand that it has become a matter of our own survival. It sounds as though you are approaching that point (or have already gotten there). We also become sick and tired of being sick and tired.
gentle hugs
ke
Just like an addict or alcoholic, we who love them also eventually reach a point.....a bottom....where we begin to understand that it has become a matter of our own survival. It sounds as though you are approaching that point (or have already gotten there). We also become sick and tired of being sick and tired.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Welcome to SR!
I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but I'm so proud of you for deciding to stop focusing on his addiction and deciding to start focusing on your own happiness and health
That is the most important thing. You need to take care of you and let him take care of himself.
When I wasn't sure if I wanted to leave but I knew something had to change I took time to myself. I went away for a week and a half and just took me time. While I was away from the chaos I was able to think straight and decide what was best for me and where to go from there. I set my boundaries and went back home with a clear head. Personal counseling has also helped me more than I can even explain.
Living with addiction is hard. I am a recovered addict and it still amazes me what people are capable of. Great job with stopping drinking.
Something you said really struck me "I am no longer surprised by his actions. I am surprised by my own though". That is such a powerful statement to me. It gets so easy to get wrapped up in the addict that we sometimes don't realize that yes they act crazy and do what they want but our actions say a lot about where we are mentally and emotionally. You have given me something to think about today.
Keep reading and posting
Maylie
I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but I'm so proud of you for deciding to stop focusing on his addiction and deciding to start focusing on your own happiness and health
That is the most important thing. You need to take care of you and let him take care of himself. When I wasn't sure if I wanted to leave but I knew something had to change I took time to myself. I went away for a week and a half and just took me time. While I was away from the chaos I was able to think straight and decide what was best for me and where to go from there. I set my boundaries and went back home with a clear head. Personal counseling has also helped me more than I can even explain.
Living with addiction is hard. I am a recovered addict and it still amazes me what people are capable of. Great job with stopping drinking.
Something you said really struck me "I am no longer surprised by his actions. I am surprised by my own though". That is such a powerful statement to me. It gets so easy to get wrapped up in the addict that we sometimes don't realize that yes they act crazy and do what they want but our actions say a lot about where we are mentally and emotionally. You have given me something to think about today.
Keep reading and posting
Maylie
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Hey there welcome.
I believe you have waited long enough too.
We are here and we care.
Foo Fighters. Walk. - YouTube
I believe you have waited long enough too.
We are here and we care.
Foo Fighters. Walk. - YouTube
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