daughter just keeps digging deeper

Old 12-19-2012, 03:40 AM
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daughter just keeps digging deeper

I am an active member of al anon, started in the 90s because of my AH went off and on since. Now I have been going on 1 year in the program because of my daughter who drug of choice is benzos but now is doing any drug she can get her hand on. she was sober for 6months in a half way house the first part of this year but met a boy (heroin addict) and they ran off to Dallas and relapsed. The last few days things are getting bad for her and the texts/phone calls are getting fast and furious because she has no place to live. The plan was to get to Kerrville where her last halfway house. She lied to me about who was taking her (she said BF was out of the picture but of course that is who was really planning to take her). Anyway they have not gone yet ... dont know if they really will. Last night I got text saying she wanted to go back to rehab because she tried crack for the first time and was scared. In this process I have made several suggestions she has disagreed with such as going to a hospital to detox there in Dallas where I could pick her up and then take her to Kerrville and I suggested she leave the BF in Dallas and find another way to get to treatment. She has asked for money to be sent (for gas) which I have refused and do not know what to do about the rehab option if she indeed ends up in Kerrville. It is a large expense to me and I dont know if I believe that she will not just end up getting broken out by the BF. well Ive never posted before but have gotten a lot out of reading posts on this site and my sponsor is out of the country so I need some ESH if y'all can. Im working on detaching with love and figuring out what help I am willing to give her w/o enabling her. I do want to make recovery options available if she is really ready.

thanks
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Old 12-19-2012, 04:17 AM
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sorry to hear about what you are struggling with.. it isn't easy.

It sounds like you are doing a good job in responding to her and it is important to keep strong and focused on what you have told her.
An option could always be to ignore the texts and calls for a day to help you stay stay centered and not get caught up in her frenzy.
If she is serious about cleaning up she will do the work needed to get it done. Refusing the ER could be a sign of not being done yet.
There are treatment programs out there that don't cost. You don't have to keep paying for rehab.

My thoughts are with you and your daughter today.

CARRIE
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Old 12-19-2012, 04:54 AM
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I absolutely agree with Secondwind. Stay strong - this crisis for your daughter is an opportunity for her to hit that proverbial bottom we all hope for. There is someone on our site named Kindeyes who just finished going through the thick of it with her son, and her story reminds me of yours.

Keep coming back!
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Old 12-19-2012, 05:05 AM
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Until she is allowed the dignity too fall to her knees, she will never have a chance to get back up. This is a cunning, baffling disease, that has no cure. it is just a matter of whether she is clean and working a strong program or not, that's it.

With that said there are many free rehab programs available, she found drugs, she will find recovery, if that is really what she wants.

:codiepolice

Keep working on you, leave her where she has always been...in the HP's hands.
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Old 12-19-2012, 05:19 AM
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Welcome to SR.....glad you found us. SR is like a daily dose of meeting stuff. There is so much collective wisdom here.

I agree that it sounds like you've got things pretty well down. You aren't sending her money and you're making suggestions that state your position clearly. You're doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.

Allowing someone we love to reach a bottom so low is very difficult......but it is what allows them to feel the full consequence of the lifestyle that addiction has led them to. My son is an addict and watching him lose everything (and I mean that quite literally-- everything he owns has either been pawned or stolen), coming close to death (via a brutal beating)......and STILL going back out there to use is the hardest thing I have ever witnessed.

He is currently in the Salvation Army's adult rehab program as we refused to pay for any more treatment (four times was more than enough). He is there by his choice.

Working the steps through Nar-Anon and Al-Anon helped me to help myself. I'm hopeful but without expectation. I pray and meditate daily. I spend time here on SR almost every day for a little while. And then I go about my day. I am able to concentrate, laugh and live life.

Encouraging people to allow their loved one to feel the consequences of their lifestyle is risky. We all know that death is a possible outcome of drug addiction. That's why the program gently suggests that we give it up to the God of our understanding......we simply aren't powerful enough and dealing with this stuff alone is simply more than we can bear.

As I was driving my son to the Salvation Army he said to me....."Mom....I've heard people say Godspeed......I understand what that means now......and it doesn't necessarily mean fast."

Take care of you.....and leave the rest to your HP. Godspeed.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 12-19-2012, 08:31 AM
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I'm happy you decided to post. Reading posts is extremely helpful, but posting and getting out your feelings can be theraputic.

It is extremely hard to watch a loved one (I can't imagine your own child) choose such an unhealthy lifestyle despite all the negatives. I am a recovered addict and a loved one of an addict, I understand the chaos of being in active addiction, but it doesn't make it any less painful to watch my love ones still struggling.

It sounds like she is in a toxic relationship and choosing to surround herself with someone who will not disapprove of her lifestyle. You can't make her change her life, all you can do is make sure you take care of yourself.

Do whatever you need to do for yourself. If her phone calls and text messages are too much for you, then simply don't answer. She protects her addiction at all costs, it is time you protect yourself and your health (mental, physical, and emotional) at all costs. It is hard not to keep reaching out and fixing things for them, but we are all only human and fully engaging with her lifestyle will take away from your own life.

You gave her options and you love her. That is all you can do until she is ready to put the work in to get to the other side. She is not a helpless child, she will find her way when she is ready. Until then, try to live your life to the fullest.

Keep reading and posting here. I hope, if only for today, that you can find some peace and do something for yourself. I pray, meditate, and remind myself everyday that although I love the A's in my life, that it is okay to love myself more.

hugs

Maylie
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Old 12-19-2012, 09:47 AM
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(((huggs)))
I also went through this with my exAH, I find it unbelievable that I'm in it again with my AS.

As much as it hurt the first time, you can divorce the AH, the child is so much harder. We are hardwired to protect them and fix all problems.

But now they are adults and we can not fix this problem, only they can. I would also stop taken the calls for a while - give yourself a break from the stress.

Prayers and blessings for us all.
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Old 12-19-2012, 09:54 AM
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Thanks so much for all the kind words and solid advice. I haven't heard a peep yet today, (probably asleep). I am grateful for the quiet and will take the advise about holding off on the phone calls especially tonight, i need to sleep. It is so hard to let her find her own way to sobriety, I still so much want to have a part in it. I guess I fear if I don't then she may never get there. All I can do today is pray.
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Old 12-19-2012, 09:58 AM
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My son is a heroin addict (presently recovering-sort of) and I'm in Texas. I'm familiar with the recovery community in Kerrville also, as my son has spent much time in and out of sober houses and rehab there.

So, here is my ES&H. When my son was facing homelessness, or got tired of trying to survive in the streets while trying to maintain a very hungry drug habit, he would start making noises about going to rehab. And I do believe he meant it...at the time...but I also know he wanted a roof over his head. We'd move heaven and earth to get him in, and 2 weeks later he'd relapse while IN the treatment center!! He did this twice last summer!! Then he got thrown in jail for a $50 theft charge and man, things were really tough there!! The whining and moaning was unreal and then he started claiming he feared for his safety because he refused to join the gang...so I went and bailed him out after 3 weeks of resisting the urge. He actually had been beat up...I saw the bruises...and felt like I did the right thing....but in hindsight I only created more problems for all of us. We plunked money down for sober houses that he would get kicked out of for being dishonest or relapsing, then we sent him to another rehab, and then another sober house....BLAH BLAH BLAH. We have spent GOBS of money trying to support his "desire to get clean" and I can't say that we have accomplished very much at all. Today he's 'sober' but looking for a place to stay because he didn't like the last sober house, probably because they didn't let him drink or do drugs!! So he's on his own...couch surfing with no job, no money, no car. I think we're pretty much at square one except for the fact that he now knows the well is dry with his dad and I. The solution has to come from him. Our "helping" hasn't helped much.

We went along with the rehabs because he has excellent insurance and they were covered almost entirely. But I'm not sure how much good they did, really. In and out of sober houses has cost a lot, along with doctor visits, IOP, bail/bonds, clothing and supplies, transportation, time off from work, etc, etc.

I know its not easy, but if you can, let her fall down the hole a little farther before coming to her rescue with rehab. Maybe let her feel what its like to go thru the holidays without being able to join or speak with her family...For my son, that is extremely painful!! "You got yourself in this mess, you can get yourself out" should be your mantra....for at least as long as you can stand it before offering rehab. Keep suggesting Salvation Army like a broken record, or better yet, stop answering the phone. Hit the meetings hard and hang out here at SR.

PM me anytime if you want to talk privately. I can share info about the 2 rehabs in Kerrville if you're interested.

I"m sorry you are going thru this. (((Hugs)))
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