Trying to become sober
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
Trying to become sober
New to this group.
I have battled alcohol drinking for more than 3 yrs now. There are periods (lasting up to 6 months) when I am completely sober with no urge to drink. Then there are dark periods when anything can trigger this urge and I am off to drinking - I drink beers 5-10 of them on a daily basis for one or two days then I stop completely, let 3-4 days pass and then I might get into it again. For the last 6 days I did not drink anything and yesterday I relapsed. My husband (who knows the situation and is at this point extremely angry with the situation and me), says that the previous 6 days of sobriety and effort do not count at all, that I am starting over again with the goal to reach 21 consecutive days of pure abstinence from alcohol. I am saying that the effort of the past six days should not be considered meaningless. what do you think ?
I have battled alcohol drinking for more than 3 yrs now. There are periods (lasting up to 6 months) when I am completely sober with no urge to drink. Then there are dark periods when anything can trigger this urge and I am off to drinking - I drink beers 5-10 of them on a daily basis for one or two days then I stop completely, let 3-4 days pass and then I might get into it again. For the last 6 days I did not drink anything and yesterday I relapsed. My husband (who knows the situation and is at this point extremely angry with the situation and me), says that the previous 6 days of sobriety and effort do not count at all, that I am starting over again with the goal to reach 21 consecutive days of pure abstinence from alcohol. I am saying that the effort of the past six days should not be considered meaningless. what do you think ?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,037
I think you are 6-1, focus on what helped you during those six days and try to replicate it. Don't worry about what your husband says, you are getting sober for you.
Looking forward to hearing how you are doing!!!
Looking forward to hearing how you are doing!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
Hi newme 
welcome!
I think the last 6 days count...everything you learned about not drinking, and everything you achieved is still there....and we here know how hard those 6 days were to get, and we know how hard it is when others don't quite get that...
but if your husband is anything like my spouse back when I was drinking...they'd put up with a lot....
they'd heard the promises, they'd seen the commitment, so strong at first, gradually die off...
I think it's understandable that you're both upset right now.
Things can and will improve I'm sure - trust can and does get rebuilt....but actions really do speak louder that words in situations like this.
I think support really makes a difference, so I'm glad you're here - there's a ton of support on SR
I have to ask tho - whats the significance of a 21 day break?
D
welcome!
I think the last 6 days count...everything you learned about not drinking, and everything you achieved is still there....and we here know how hard those 6 days were to get, and we know how hard it is when others don't quite get that...
but if your husband is anything like my spouse back when I was drinking...they'd put up with a lot....
they'd heard the promises, they'd seen the commitment, so strong at first, gradually die off...
I think it's understandable that you're both upset right now.
Things can and will improve I'm sure - trust can and does get rebuilt....but actions really do speak louder that words in situations like this.
I think support really makes a difference, so I'm glad you're here - there's a ton of support on SR
I have to ask tho - whats the significance of a 21 day break?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
why 21
Hi Dee74,
The 21 consecutive alcohol abstinence is what my therapist (supposedly expert in such issues) has suggested. I have either to do it at home, or admitted to a rehab.
I truly do not think I am rehab material as I am not a heavy constant drinker, yet again, maybe they know better.
Cheers
The 21 consecutive alcohol abstinence is what my therapist (supposedly expert in such issues) has suggested. I have either to do it at home, or admitted to a rehab.
I truly do not think I am rehab material as I am not a heavy constant drinker, yet again, maybe they know better.
Cheers
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Queensland
Posts: 90
I have to say, your post is no where near the worst I have read. That doesn't lessen what your feeling or your loved ones are feeling.
You can go 6 months without a drop and not feel an urge... That is awesome! Maybe try to work out what causes you to drink to excess the other times and try to work and deal through that.
In any event, good luck and stay strong
You can go 6 months without a drop and not feel an urge... That is awesome! Maybe try to work out what causes you to drink to excess the other times and try to work and deal through that.
In any event, good luck and stay strong
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
it means a lot to me to talk to people that understand what I am going through.
i am sure i am no special, but i have to face the fact that my husband has decided (through his interpretation of the therapist's advice) that i need to be constantly monitored (through the presence of a sober person) to ensure that i do not get out of the house to buy something to drink (Btw I have just quit my job after 18 yrs because it was overwhelming and i need to focus on my twins - 7 yrs old, which means I am basically constantly at home).
After 6 days of no drinking, i thought i was able yesterday to get out of the house to go to a store nearby, but my husband said NO, you are not allowed to do that because this will make you think you can buy something to drink.
This was not in my mind when I suggested getting out of the house on my own. I actually felt confident all was OK.
Then later on, I got drunk because I was angry at him and because I was compelled to do so as my husband was 100% sure I would do it.
Anybody ever felt like that ?
i am sure i am no special, but i have to face the fact that my husband has decided (through his interpretation of the therapist's advice) that i need to be constantly monitored (through the presence of a sober person) to ensure that i do not get out of the house to buy something to drink (Btw I have just quit my job after 18 yrs because it was overwhelming and i need to focus on my twins - 7 yrs old, which means I am basically constantly at home).
After 6 days of no drinking, i thought i was able yesterday to get out of the house to go to a store nearby, but my husband said NO, you are not allowed to do that because this will make you think you can buy something to drink.
This was not in my mind when I suggested getting out of the house on my own. I actually felt confident all was OK.
Then later on, I got drunk because I was angry at him and because I was compelled to do so as my husband was 100% sure I would do it.
Anybody ever felt like that ?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
did I ever drink at someone thinking 'I'll show you'? - heck yes I did....
But it's so self defeating - it's like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.
sounds like things are pretty fraught there right now for both of you - are you planning to see the counsellor again soon?
D
But it's so self defeating - it's like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.
sounds like things are pretty fraught there right now for both of you - are you planning to see the counsellor again soon?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
yes, i will see my therapist after my holidays. my problem (and i dont know if anyone shares it) is that i feel i can do it on my own and any interference (especially from my hubby) just makes me more stubborn and eager to show "nobody controls me".
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
I think it's a very common thing.
I'm a guy - to me it sounds like your husband is scared for you.
When was the last time you guys actually sat down and talked about this and how you both feel?
D
D
I'm a guy - to me it sounds like your husband is scared for you.
When was the last time you guys actually sat down and talked about this and how you both feel?
D
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
well, the reason i basically joined this group is to get a response like "you are not an alcoholic, you are a person who solves her problems with alcohol". Wishful thinking obviously ... please enlighten me.
I can hardly type dagnamit
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
newme,
A thought, no one really "solves" anything with alcohol. We try, and find out that it only makes things worse.
It sounds as if alcohol is something of a third party in your relationship with your husband, and one of the ways you use alcohol is as a weapon. AND, it sounds as if he might use your drinking issue as a weapon as well.
I found in my former marriage that my substance abuse was seen as THE issue, but it was not, it was a blind which we hid behind. There was a lot going on that we hoped would be solved by my not using/drinking, and he has some issues of his own that, once my drinking and drugging were out of the picture, became obvious.
Rehab is for people who had a drinking problem. The definition of when drinking goes from problem to alcoholic is something people can argue and discuss for ages, but it can also be used as a distraction from doing something about it NOW, and getting on with life.
I hear what your husband thinks you should do to stop drinking, and what your councillor thinks, but what do YOU think? What will it take for you to stop?
Be as honest as possible with yourself. We all have different things that keep us drinking/using. We have to address the things behind our drinking, as well as our drinking itself...or we just go back. Find out what keeps you drinking, and get support in that area.
A thought, no one really "solves" anything with alcohol. We try, and find out that it only makes things worse.
It sounds as if alcohol is something of a third party in your relationship with your husband, and one of the ways you use alcohol is as a weapon. AND, it sounds as if he might use your drinking issue as a weapon as well.
I found in my former marriage that my substance abuse was seen as THE issue, but it was not, it was a blind which we hid behind. There was a lot going on that we hoped would be solved by my not using/drinking, and he has some issues of his own that, once my drinking and drugging were out of the picture, became obvious.
Rehab is for people who had a drinking problem. The definition of when drinking goes from problem to alcoholic is something people can argue and discuss for ages, but it can also be used as a distraction from doing something about it NOW, and getting on with life.
I hear what your husband thinks you should do to stop drinking, and what your councillor thinks, but what do YOU think? What will it take for you to stop?
Be as honest as possible with yourself. We all have different things that keep us drinking/using. We have to address the things behind our drinking, as well as our drinking itself...or we just go back. Find out what keeps you drinking, and get support in that area.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Des Moines IA
Posts: 377
A few thoughts.
When I was single and had no input from a partner I drank. When my partner would say I'm doing really well I drank and when she kept booze away I drank and when I didn't drink for a while and was quite proud of my accomplishment I drank. When I was upset at myself for drinking so much I drank and when others wouldn't empathize with me the way I wanted them to I drank. Of course, when I was among attractive women who I felt understood how badly I was being treated I drank. But then I drank too when my partner and I were temporarily happy.
Looking back closely at all those drinking years, there was the thread of a pattern there all along and someone really was responsible for my problems. Why I couldn't identify him for so very long remains a mystery. It's not as if the person creating all the various drinking dramas was invisible. It turned out it wasn't the person who was not getting drunk after all, despite all the assurances I gave others that it was so.
By continuing to drink I continued to introduce endless complications to my life related to my getting drunk.
When I didn't do that any more they stopped and haven't returned. I know what to expect should I ever return to getting drunk.
Only my experience, yours may be entirely different and require a different solution than how stopping drinking served to remove my problems related to drinking.
Good luck in your search.
When I was single and had no input from a partner I drank. When my partner would say I'm doing really well I drank and when she kept booze away I drank and when I didn't drink for a while and was quite proud of my accomplishment I drank. When I was upset at myself for drinking so much I drank and when others wouldn't empathize with me the way I wanted them to I drank. Of course, when I was among attractive women who I felt understood how badly I was being treated I drank. But then I drank too when my partner and I were temporarily happy.
Looking back closely at all those drinking years, there was the thread of a pattern there all along and someone really was responsible for my problems. Why I couldn't identify him for so very long remains a mystery. It's not as if the person creating all the various drinking dramas was invisible. It turned out it wasn't the person who was not getting drunk after all, despite all the assurances I gave others that it was so.
By continuing to drink I continued to introduce endless complications to my life related to my getting drunk.
When I didn't do that any more they stopped and haven't returned. I know what to expect should I ever return to getting drunk.
Only my experience, yours may be entirely different and require a different solution than how stopping drinking served to remove my problems related to drinking.
Good luck in your search.
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