Does "it get better"?

Old 12-18-2012, 09:05 PM
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Does "it get better"?

So this is the first time I've laid down a boundary of no contact for 7 days in an attempt to show XABF (who was in recovery this time last year but has sadly returned to the bottle 6 months ago and is clearly on a downhill slide) that if he doesn't recommit to treatment, he will lose my involvement in his life (support, shoulder to lean on, etc).

Today is day 3, and I'm working through my own thoughts and feelings, but I can't help but have a broken heart continuously for the loneliness, fear, anxiety and sense of guilt and worthlessness he's feeling now.

Does this get better? Am I supposed to deflect these feelings (are they just codie and I should get over them)?
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Old 12-18-2012, 09:19 PM
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Originally Posted by h00ped View Post
So this is the first time I've laid down a boundary of no contact for 7 days in an attempt to show XABF (who was in recovery this time last year but has sadly returned to the bottle 6 months ago and is clearly on a downhill slide) that if he doesn't recommit to treatment, he will lose my involvement in his life (support, shoulder to lean on, etc).

The boundary that you stated appears to be a control to change his behavior. That is a codependent trait that I recognize from my own codie behaviors.

Boundaries are I statements about what you will and will not accept in your personal life. Like: I will not spend time/energy with an active alcoholic. That involves me removing myself from spending time with someone who chooses to drink in an alcoholic manner. It doesn't mean I am trying to change their behaviors.

What steps are you taking to work on your own personal recovery?

I just came across a note I have in one of my Al Anon books: Stop concerning myself with how my actions affect ______. My actions are what I am doing to take better care of ME.

Alanon meetings are something I do to help myself become a healthier participant in all my relationships. Reading self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie has helped me to learn how to work on my codie behaviors.

I also recommend Codependent No More for the excellent chapter on grieving. She writes about the stages of grieving with great clarity. Grieving the loss of a relationship is just as real as grieving loss due to death.
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Old 12-18-2012, 09:22 PM
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If you stay it only gets worse

If you end things and go NC it gets better.

You start to see how horrible they were to you. See things clearly... you start to let go and see how much your love was blinding you to their HORRIBLE actions.

You are free of their manipulation and lies and you start to see things for how they really are.

I still panic over the notion of being alone. And I still feel very lonely.

But I have gotten to the point where I realize I am much better WITHOUT him then I was with him. And I am happier not talking to him then I was talking to him when he could guilt trip me and make me feel awful about myself.
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Old 12-18-2012, 09:37 PM
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Yes it gets better if you really stick to no contact and the less you know about their life...the better you will begin to feel! It's tough but time helps if you allow it! Take care of yourself and I hope you are able to hang in there w no contact ....
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Old 12-18-2012, 10:05 PM
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I am not afraid of being alone, in fact, I know I would be very happy alone. I've been mostly single for my life.

I'm grieving that there is a broken person with no skills to take care of himself, and everyone ends up leaving in disgust, which perpetuates the cycle of feeling worthless, abandoned. etc. I can't see it getting better for him and this makes me really sad. I feel his pain that yet another person he does care about (and I know he does, he's not an abusive drunk, more self-punishing) is walking away. I will never not care about his heart. I might remove my own sense of responsibility for helping the situation. But I can't not hurt for my best friend's hurt.

It's just the watching someone die, and then you decide it's time to leave them by the road. This is what I am battling.

OK so now I have a question - what do you think about the show Intervention. Is it codependent behavior for them to say if you don't get help today we will never talk to you again? Sounds like controlling attempt to motivate someone to finally do something.
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Old 12-18-2012, 10:21 PM
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Originally Posted by h00ped View Post
It's just the watching someone die, and then you decide it's time to leave them by the road. This is what I am battling.
I've been trying figure out how to put what I feel into words, and you just did it.
That is EXACTLY what I feel right now, but about my little brother.

:ghug3

I have read your thread, and have no advice to offer, I can only say that you are not alone in the way you feel.
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Old 12-18-2012, 10:35 PM
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I think for most people here, they didn't leave because they wanted to stop helping, they left because the pain became too much to stay.
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Old 12-18-2012, 10:46 PM
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Originally Posted by h00ped View Post

OK so now I have a question - what do you think about the show Intervention. Is it codependent behavior for them to say if you don't get help today we will never talk to you again? Sounds like controlling attempt to motivate someone to finally do something.
I think that an intervention is a last ditch co-de attempt by a group of people. Maybe the reason it is slightly more likely to work is because the addict sees a bunch of people who care about them saying the same thing at once. And they are all saying, "this is it. accept the help we are suggesting/offering or we can't participate in this anymore." Addicts are REALLY good at manipulating their loved ones' feelings one-on-one....it's the dance we do so well. But if the addict is close to conceding defeat & they see all of these people lined up, usually with a pro there to not allow the dance to start....maybe it works.

I think you have a really good point about it being co-de, but many addicts really DO want a way out, and maybe this pushes some of them over the edge. Obviously some of them storm out & then it's up to the room full of co-de's to make good on their promise/threat.

No addict worth their designation as one will change unless people stop doing things for them & they are faced with the consequences of their decisions, habits, etc.

I type all of the above from both sides of the fence....recovering addict and recovering co-de

I hope you find strength & peace.....there's lots of support for us here & in the rooms!
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Old 12-18-2012, 11:02 PM
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Does it get better?

Sure... But it's like the old saying, God answers all prayers but not always with a yes.

I know how crappy you feel right now because I've been there. We are comin up on one year since I made my wife (then gf) leave at 3am after another bad episode of drinking.

After a year of trying to help, hitting the end of my rope and giving her the ultimatum - ten following thru finally got her to hit bottom and seek help. It has been up and down but mostly up and she's a thousand times better a year later.

...but she could have gone the other way and I'd be telling you how I was dealing with abandoning the woman I love when she was most desperate.


It sucks but drawing that line sometimes seems to be the only way to force them to decide that the alcohol is causing more pain than it is numbing and seek help.

Whether he makes that choice or not, you made th choice you had to and that is nothin to be ashamed of. I can't save my wife, she has to. I refuse to watch her kill herself if she chooses not to because I won't do that to myself.

It is not unreasonable to tell someone that if they are willing to fight then you are willing to fight for them but I'd they are not then you are not willing to stand there helplessly and watch the inevitable train wreck or worse, get on that train with them.

You chose to get well and you can and you will and now your outcome is in your hands, not his.

Hang in there.
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Old 12-18-2012, 11:17 PM
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You guys are all awesome. thank you all for your responses.

I think my gift to myself this year will be an e-reader and I shall download the book you suggested, Pelican.

I told XABF about my boundary, he violated it and I'm just enforcing it. I have to keep reminding myself he was well aware of what I said I would do and that he had the choice to drink and create the situation where there's no contact.

And then remind myself that my HP (in my case, the Christian God) I believe has the power to do the spiritual work and God's not asking me to take on the responsibilities for his child that are really his (that's been a tough one as we're sort of taught that we are to be selfless givers till there's nothing left, as Christians). I'm trying to find the verse where we detach with love, (LOL) perhaps it's 1 Cor 5:5...
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Old 12-19-2012, 12:16 AM
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Yes it is really hard to watch someone you care about destroy themselves.
Sorry you're feeling hurt.
I think it's important to feel what you are feeling as it is part of the grieving process & important for healing.
To start with I just had to focus on one hour at a time, now I'm one day at a time, so yes it does get better.
Hugs :ghug3
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Old 12-19-2012, 09:01 PM
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It certainly will get easier.

It's only been 3 days. Be patient with yourself.

Every emotion you are feeling, you are entitled to feel. Break-ups are painful.

For me, I had to start living in my today. All the wonderful, cherished memories, were simply memories. He was no longer the same person. His disease progressed, and he was an out of control addict. He had nothing to offer, and he had turned my life upside down, making daily living an absolute hell.

It's only natural to mourn the "what could have been" but I could not let that define me or the rest of my life.

MY thoughts and best wishes are with you, but I am here to share with you, that life without an addict is so very worth living, there really is a wonderful world waiting for you to explore. Seems I got so involved in XA disease, i forgot to enjoy living in my own skin. I have never regretted taking a leap of faith and believing in myself.

I matter, You matter, time to live without remorse.......
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Old 12-20-2012, 12:34 AM
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First to answer your question - yes it does get better. It might get a little worse at first (depending on what he does) but it for sure gets easier/better/more clear.

Originally Posted by h00ped View Post
Today is day 3, and I'm working through my own thoughts and feelings, but I can't help but have a broken heart continuously for the loneliness, fear, anxiety and sense of guilt and worthlessness he's feeling now.
This part struck me. so hearbroken over his feelings. What are you feeling? We all have moments that just strike us and I'll share one of mine.

It was the last months that my ex and I were together. I had filed for divorce, he went to rehab, and I reluctantly agreed to have him move back home after rehab and he relapsed. I was rocking the boat now and he went off the deep end. He would spend HOURS screaming at me and berating me at night. All night long. Ripping things up and yelling about what a bad, mean, disappoiting person I was. Destroying my kids and my family etc. I would not utter one word. I would stay in bed and try to just be quiet hoping he would stop. I couldn't leave my kids at home with him. It was truely awful and in hindsight I can't believe I didn't force him out one way or another but I was not very healthy then. To the point - one night he drove off (to get more beer somewhere and come back and continue ranting) and I got out of bed and sat by the window and watched him leave and cried and cried. Finally I cried but I was crying for HIM. I was so enmeshed in him that I was completely detached from my own feelings. I knew I was miserable but at that moment I could not have answered how I really felt. I wasn't crying for msyelf, I was crying for him. I couldn't save him. Poor him, my heart was breaking for him. He was drunk and ranting mean awful things at me for hours and I was crying for him??? I felt nothing for myself. It struck me in that moment just how messed up that was. I started seeing a counselor and she was worth her weight in gold.

That is not a healthy way to interact with another adult. When our emotions are connected by a tether to someone elses, when we co-opt their feelings, that is the crumbling of healthy emotional boundaries.

Originally Posted by MadeOfGlass View Post
I think for most people here, they didn't leave because they wanted to stop helping, they left because the pain became too much to stay.
Yes, exactly.
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Old 12-20-2012, 02:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
First to answer your question - yes it does get better. It might get a little worse at first (depending on what he does) but it for sure gets easier/better/more clear.

This part struck me. so hearbroken over his feelings. What are you feeling?
What I know now about this man is he uses alcohol to numb his feelings of extreme low self worth. I didn't understand this for the first 2 years I knew him because he is one of the most {outwardly} confident, funny and fun people I have ever met, and therein was the attraction. And that's why it was so shocking to hear when he admitted the way he feels about himself, for real. It's hard for me to understand why he hates himself so deeply when he's got so much good going for him, but of course, nobody understands or can change another person's insecurities, like the girl I met at a Christmas party who was so tiny and beautiful but was convinced she was overweight.

We were emotionally close enough for him to open up about certain things and emotions he has, we spent a lot of time in tears and praying through some of these very issues. I believe I've seen both the true heart of his soul, the person underneath, and the monster that emerges when alcohol takes hold of thinking and exacerbates the guilt and shame, intensifying the feelings and creating a mental and emotional state where facing these feelings becomes too unbearable, and the withdrawal into alcohol is not just debauchery, but the way he chooses to make the thoughts/voices stop.

So the way I'm feeling, and why I'm so concerned with what he's feeling, is I am grieving that this little boy is hurt, and the alcohol that promises to protect him from the cruel world is actually destroying everything around him. I know people are supposed to be in control of their choices, but I can't help but think when I take this stand, the little child inside him receives it as "you're bad - see everyone leaves you, because they can't stand you and you never do anything right."

I don't think he's even emotionally capable of understanding why I'm doing this, it gets received as "you're bad and nobody will ever love you." The alcohol certainly has a way of twisting communication as well.

We had a show in Canada when I was a kid, called the littlest hobo. It was about a dog that didn't have any owners. The theme song made me cry every time I heard it, the thought that the dog didn't have a family and was all alone. I didn't "get it" that the dog liked his lifestyle, he wasn't actually hurting, and the song wasn't supposed to be sad. The show was about all his cool adventures. But even now when I think of the song and the words and the melody I just cry thinking of that poor dog. I think of XABF like this poor, lonely littlest hobo and I know that sounds ridiculous, but I know underneath the "addict" there's this little guy who lost his mum and was emotionally stunted at that young age. He needs counseling for this, and he's expressed a willingness to get it. But it will take a long time to peel the onion, and to overcome the addiction whilst healing from the underlying cause it an uphill battle.

I also "feel" (believe)? someone who feels unloved at his core needs to know someone cares and will love unconditionally, not based on performance. Someone who steps up to the plate has to be prepared to be disappointed time and time again, or perhaps, carry a detached but loving attitude so the "falls" don't faze them, but their support is still there (with the appropriate boundaries, of course).

I once heard a story about the special olympics. There was a track race, and near the finish line, one of the racers fell down. (True story). The other runners stopped, turned around, went back and picked him up, and they all finished the race together. They weren't putting their own goals or glory first, they were willing to forego their opportunity to excel to bring up the one that was fallen. I wish life were like that, I know that with addiction, it can be wishful thinking that support like that always helps. Right now I feel like if I give up on caring about that little hurting boy and focus on my ideal life ahead of me (which I can easily keep going after), I'm leaving my friend down on the track.

The message I'm getting with the "let them hit rock bottom" is wait till everyone has left the stadium and night has fallen, and see if the runner is motivated to get up and finish the race all by himself. In the dark.

OK enough with my ramblings, it's really late. Trying to sort out the wisdom (which I believe I can learn a lot from people who've been there and can see the bigger perspective and more objectively than I can) from the sentimental and ridiculously empathetic to a fault side of me.
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Old 12-20-2012, 03:23 AM
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I understand. My ex-husband is not a narcissist or a bad person. Until the very end he was not at all a mean or abusive person. Many of us have a hurt child inside of us. My ex does. I do.

I had a lot of pity (and this is just me sharing - I'm not presuming to say that is what you are feeling) for my husband but pity is not a great or respectful emotion. It was also a 'hook' for me and kept me in denial. I wanted to save him. I felt like I had to save him. When he was hurting I felt a very real physical panic in the center of my being - a physical pull to do something right at that moment to ease his pain. To save him from himself. For me, in looking back to when I was a young girl, I wanted desperately to save my mother too. I didn't succeed at that either but it played a part in why I was so attached to a man that was sinking and taking me down with him. And who am I to save another person? I don't have that kind of power. I'm doing good to save myself. Releasing that quest allowed me to let go of my resentments, anger, bitterness, frustration and made room for compassion, which allows me to make decisions that are kind and loving to the people in my life without sacrificing myself to do it.

You have not mentioned children but I have four young boys. They were living my husbands childhood. They would grow into young men, with hurt little children inside, looking for a way to cope. Over and over the family legacy continues until someone re-draws the map for the children. "The alcoholic parent is not satisfied with his own childhood," Bly says, using the bruised rhetoric of recovery. "He wants yours too. When the father vanishes into alcohol, the son lingers and lingers, searching for a lost part of himself."

Alcoholism is heartbreaking to be sure.

I also "feel" (believe)? someone who feels unloved at his core needs to know someone cares and will love unconditionally, not based on performance. Someone who steps up to the plate has to be prepared to be disappointed time and time again, or perhaps, carry a detached but loving attitude so the "falls" don't faze them, but their support is still there (with the appropriate boundaries, of course).
Loving and saving are not the same thing. When I was trying to save him (totally unsuccessfully by the way) I did not love him. I hated myself and was nothing but bitter, frustrated, and resentful towards him because he was not changing or being who I wanted and needed him to be. With much distance I have let go of all those negative things. I don't love him in the romantic married sense but I do have a love for him. He is the father of my children, we have many years of history and memories. We built a life together. It may have crumbled to the ground in a mountain of beer cans but that doesn't change the past that was there.

Anyway - I'm rambling too and really not trying to convince you to leave or stay or make any specific decision. I'm just sharing my story because so much of what you post sounds so familiar to me.

One last thought. You can provide all the unconditional love in the world but what each individual needs to do is figure out how to love themselves and that is an inside job. If our love made a difference this board would not exist. Unlike the race, we simply can not carry someone over the finish line into recovery because it all happens on the inside.

As a follow up - after our separation my husband went on a 15 month bender that ended in a complete meltdown in another state two weeks after getting his dream job. He spent 12mos in an inpatient rehab and another 12mos with some pretty intense outpatient help. He's moving, getting a job, and don't know what kind of follow up recovery/counseling he'll access. It has been really hard for him and that is hard to see. I still wish I could save him but I can not. One thing I'm 99.9% sure of. If we would have stayed married there would have been no change what so ever. He'd still be on that long slow slide down to the alcoholism pit of hell, and I'd be right there beside him.
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Old 12-20-2012, 04:32 AM
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Hi H00ped,

Thanks for sharing how you feel about your friend and trust me everyone on here knows exactly how you are feeling.

I used to think that I had to "save" everyone and everything that was broken in the world... especially alcoholics and addicts as they are so marginalized in our society.

But... after a lifetime of the disease of alcoholism (I am acoa from a family of origin that was abusive and highly dysfunctional) as well as 35 years working with addicts and alcoholics as clients in the criminal justice community I finally had some moments of clarity and true understanding about myself.

I do have tremendous empathy and even pity for the alcoholics and addicts that are caught in a vicious disease but it does not help them at all if I do not have boundaries that protect them from me and my hard wiring trying to run their life and force recovery.

Like you, I had visions of their death (I am speaking of my XA and my brother) and destruction and in both cases it was highly likely. And like you I thought I was the only one on the planet that had a chance of stopping this from happening from two people I loved dearly.

It made me very, very sick for many, many years. I did a lot of crazy things. Really crazy.

Finally, after almost getting a gun out of my car and shooting the love of my life dead in what would have most likely ended in my being arrested and possibly executed I realized that I had to end the insanity for my own well being.

And my finally seeing this and getting better myself opened the door to my XA getting better.

When I finally went NC for months it looked like he was going to die by drinking himself to death or getting run over in a blackout (he would cross the strip anywhere without a crosswalk in a complete stupor) and one night he met Jesus on a bus. Long story short Jesus was a speaker at a church in Vegas and plays Jesus in films and he was in full costume on this bus.

Now my x is a believer, a praying person and he had of course been praying and here is Jesus... on a bus in Vegas! Turns out Jesus was someone he and I had prayed with a year and half before and my XA recocnized him and they prayed together on the bus and Jesus gave him his phone number and said if "you decide to get help call me".

So two weeks later my XA did and Jesus got him into Tommy Barnett's Dream Center in Arizona and for the first time my XA did something on his own. Without a judge ordering him, without me nagging and threatening to leave him/kill him etc he went into recovery.

And God did it without me. Imagine that for a minute. God didn't need me after all. In fact, clearly my own disease had been a roadblock and I had been in the way the entire time.

The God of my and His understanding sent a messenger to Las Vegas to deliver a message in something he identified with in full costume. Now what are the odds of that?

You know we pray. All of on this forum pray. And we give it to God... whoever is our HP of our understanding. But then we snatch it right back and start trying to put the weight and the responsibility of another grown person's alcoholism in our lap.

That is not faith. In my case, it was me drunk with the power of being in control over my XA and my need to be a martyr and to be "right" about him. I had a messiah complex.

If your friend is not "doing whatever it takes" to get better then anything you do is wasted energy and a lot of wasted pain on your part.

The alcoholic has to stop trying to manipulate others to survive and drink and GIVE UP... completely surrender and say "what do I need to do" and then do it!

If he isn't doing that you can spend every waking minute hovering and helicoptering and handwring yourself to death but the runaway train of untreated alcoholism will run you over.

Let go or get dragged. And if let go and let God he may get well because he will have to turn to God because we arent acting like God for God.

Let God be God. Pray. Expect your A to turn his life and will over to God and do whatever it takes. And if he reaches up and REALLY crys out to God then God will reach out the rest the of way.

My XA? Who careened across the country drunk? Burned up his car? Went to jail in 2 different states?

He is GREAT!!!! God opened a door and he has a great job, driving a beautiful car (he burned up a mercedes in a casino parking lot but is driving a better one now that was given to him by his job) and is in at least one AA meeting a day. At least...

But... I am happy that he is well but I am staying far away (3000 miles) physically and emotionally. I love him like I have never loved anyone before but he is alcoholic and he always will be.

Loving an alcoholic is very, very risky. Loving one like mine is insanity pure and simple! But... his sobriety this time (he roller coasters) is different. It is so real... so pure... so genuine...well... it is God breathed.

You see... the disease of alcoholism is ego driven. That is why they are so crazy because they are so self centered. The ego deflation at depth that happens in a clear bottom experience can create an opportunity for a spiritual change that can last a lifetime.

Or it could end tomorrow. That is the sad truth about this disease. The true love of my life is an alcoholic. He is the most amazing, kind, beautiful soul and he loves me back the same way. But he is a "'real alcoholic" and he must fight that disease after minute of every day. He must be vigilent. Live the steps on a daily basis and keep a close eye on his own shortcomings and personality defects. Because his disease has amnesia and he could very easily drink again and then its Katie bar the door.

He becomes an animal when he drinks. A mean, cruel, selfish creep.

But who he is today is his choice to work hard at being that man God created. He is willing to do that work... today. One day at a time.

I can't live that way anymore. I can't worry over him. So I have to love him from here. From my heart alone.

And you have to decide if you want to live each day with him drinking. Because unless he willing to do whatever it takes (amputate him arm, sew his mouth shut etc) then he will continue to drink.

Period.
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Old 12-20-2012, 07:41 AM
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Today is day 3, and I'm working through my own thoughts and feelings, but I can't help but have a broken heart continuously for the loneliness, fear, anxiety and sense of guilt and worthlessness he's feeling now. Does this get better? Am I supposed to deflect these feelings (are they just codie and I should get over them)?
.... that HE'S feeling? What about what YOUR feelings? Yes, these are codie feelings and I hope you go to Alanon, which is a lifesaver. I suggest asking yourself if this is what you want for yourself. Alcoholics are obsessed with alcohol and drink compulsively; booze comes before everything else (including the people who love them).
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Old 12-20-2012, 10:13 AM
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I think it gets better so long as you focus on yourself. For me, I was so wrapped up in her, her, her that by default I was already deflecting my own feelings.
In time, I worked hard to take things day by day. I also worked hard on understanding my feelings and letting them play their part. This may sound strange but it was important for me to understand how my feelings made me feel.
I still have bad days but since I'm more in control of myself, I have way more better days.
I wish you the best.
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Old 12-20-2012, 01:20 PM
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Originally Posted by h00ped View Post
I am not afraid of being alone, in fact, I know I would be very happy alone. I've been mostly single for my life.

I'm grieving that there is a broken person with no skills to take care of himself, and everyone ends up leaving in disgust, which perpetuates the cycle of feeling worthless, abandoned. etc. I can't see it getting better for him and this makes me really sad. I feel his pain that yet another person he does care about (and I know he does, he's not an abusive drunk, more self-punishing) is walking away. I will never not care about his heart. I might remove my own sense of responsibility for helping the situation. But I can't not hurt for my best friend's hurt.

It's just the watching someone die, and then you decide it's time to leave them by the road. This is what I am battling.

OK so now I have a question - what do you think about the show Intervention. Is it codependent behavior for them to say if you don't get help today we will never talk to you again? Sounds like controlling attempt to motivate someone to finally do something.
I don't think they are trying to CONTROLL, I feel like they are trying to help. You can't help someone that won't help themselves. I understand your feelings about him being a broken person, but who's fault is that? It isn't yours, so why should you suffer because of his decisions. Best of luck to you.
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Old 12-20-2012, 01:44 PM
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Originally Posted by h00ped View Post
OK so now I have a question - what do you think about the show Intervention. Is it codependent behavior for them to say if you don't get help today we will never talk to you again? Sounds like controlling attempt to motivate someone to finally do something.
I have watched a LOT of Intervention. The main thing to consider is that it's primary objective -- like any other television show, for better or for worse -- is to attract viewers and make money through it's advertisers. As much as I enjoy watching it (hm..."enjoy" is a weird word to use there), I think there are many different and better ways to gain an understanding of addiction.

But to your point, "sounds like a controlling attempt" -- I suppose that is a valid perspective, but I don't think it's an entirely fair one. In the best light, the interventionists are encouraging the family and friends of the addict to lay down boundaries and to enforce them in an effort to assist the addict in reaching their rock bottom. Take away their money, their haven, their source of emotional support -- in essence, give the problem back to the addict. I don't find this controlling. I think it is people taking care of themselves and allowing the addict the dignity of taking responsibility for their own lives.

What is more troubling to me, on the show specifically, is when the family and friends appear incapable of enforcing the boundaries and end up letting the addict off the hook for the consequences of their behavior. The show paints pretty stark portraits of the addicts but also of those who support the addict's lifestyle. I usually find those friends and family MORE controlling because what they are doing is helping the addict perpetuate the cycle of abuse and maintain the status quo. For whatever reason, they are more comfortable with the addict in that state.

Hm. Did I mention I watch a LOT of Intervention? Anyhoo. That's my take on it.
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