I answered the phone...
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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I answered the phone...
I answered the phone. I talked to him. He talked to me. So much was said. I told him at the end not to contact me at all. I needed to heal and that meant no contact with him. I told him when he got into a long term care he could leave a message on my phone. That if he really needed to,tell me something to write me letter and I would read it when and if I was ready. He agreed. Haven't got a call in 24 hours. This was at the end of an almost 3 hour conversation. I feel such a sense of relief, not worried he is going to show up here.
I told him I wasn't mad at him because I made my own choices to support him and stay with him. He said that is not true that it is all his fault. I was firm and said no. Your addiction and actions are yours to own. What I allowed to,happen to me will take a long time to heal from. That I need to heal and forgive myself. That I need to build trust in myself again. That I can only do this by figuring out why I allowed the things to happen to me, and to my children. He stole from them. I hid it. He was nothing but wonderful to them. Except for what I let him do to me. My children are heartbroken. My youngest was on the verge of crying, then told me she doesn't like to show her emotions. I said, as I hugged her, yes you do!! You show love all the time, excitement, caring, laughter... She looked at me and said... I don't like to show my sad emotions... Later when all three of us were together I told them t was okay to miss him. That he was a huge happy part of their lives and I feel that I have a huge empty space where he was, and that it okay for them to miss him, cry about him, to be sad. I explained that I was also. That because of his problem he cannot and will not be around us but missing his laughter, hugs, tickles, all the time we spent together was healthy, normal, and okay. My little one (10) said she was crying today at recess and told her friends she missed her grandmother, my mom was passed the summer, but she was really crying because she missed him. I told her that is okay.
There is a long road of recovery ahead of all of us. My poor babies. My girls, me, and my EX. At least the girls and I have each other.
I told him I wasn't mad at him because I made my own choices to support him and stay with him. He said that is not true that it is all his fault. I was firm and said no. Your addiction and actions are yours to own. What I allowed to,happen to me will take a long time to heal from. That I need to heal and forgive myself. That I need to build trust in myself again. That I can only do this by figuring out why I allowed the things to happen to me, and to my children. He stole from them. I hid it. He was nothing but wonderful to them. Except for what I let him do to me. My children are heartbroken. My youngest was on the verge of crying, then told me she doesn't like to show her emotions. I said, as I hugged her, yes you do!! You show love all the time, excitement, caring, laughter... She looked at me and said... I don't like to show my sad emotions... Later when all three of us were together I told them t was okay to miss him. That he was a huge happy part of their lives and I feel that I have a huge empty space where he was, and that it okay for them to miss him, cry about him, to be sad. I explained that I was also. That because of his problem he cannot and will not be around us but missing his laughter, hugs, tickles, all the time we spent together was healthy, normal, and okay. My little one (10) said she was crying today at recess and told her friends she missed her grandmother, my mom was passed the summer, but she was really crying because she missed him. I told her that is okay.
There is a long road of recovery ahead of all of us. My poor babies. My girls, me, and my EX. At least the girls and I have each other.
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