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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Dallas Texas
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New Here
So, this is my first post. I just want to introduce myself really and actually say what I've been feeling. I just need to put voice to it, I guess.
I am very sad to realize that my husband has a problem with alcohol. We have been married for 6 years. He didn't drink much when we got married, and in fact, when were dating, I told him I couldn't handle a man who drank a lot. My father is an alcoholic, and my brother is in recovery after some very, very hard years. My husband's father is also an alcoholic. To be honest about my own shortcomings, I have been pretty controlling around the issue of alcohol and always gave my husband a hard time whenever he drank even small amounts. Long story short, he started hiding from me ( I know he's responsible for his own behavior; I just want to be honest about mine, too.) Over the years, I've noticed that he is less able to control the amounts that he drinks, and he tries to hide the amounts that he drinks. He sometimes goes outside to "smoke a cigarette" but I can smell the alcohol on him when he comes inside. His tolerance is also increasing. He used to be pretty buzzed after 4 beers, but now can drink way more, and he has started venturing into the world of hard alcohol. His coworkers don't help, as many of them drink in the office before leaving in the evenings (car salesmen). Am I rambling? Sorry!
So what lead me here? I have tried to talk to my husband about his drinking, and it is sickening how much he sounds like my father. He's in denial. He's in what I perceive to be the high-functioning stage of alcoholism. He thinks that because he still goes to work every day and sells cars, he's fine. He's says he's not mean like my father and his, so he's fine, etc etc. REcently, though, he has started saying that he realizes his "weakness" but that he can pull it together. "You know me, " he says, "I can always pull it together whatever I face."
We have started fighting about his drinking. Finally he asked me what I want. I took some time, thought about it, and presented him with what I thought I would be comfortable with. It didn't matter what was on the list, the only one he heard was the one he wanted to, "No more hiding. Whatever you do, do it in the open." Boy has he used that against me! Now if I say anything, he threatens to just start hiding it again
2 nights ago, I asked him to stop after he had had 2 vodka cocktails. It was the worst I've ever seen him. I liken it to when I was a child and my mother told me my best friend couldn't stay over for the night. He pouted, wouldn't speak to me, wouldn't eat the dinner I had prepared for him, and went to bed without telling me at 8:30pm, leaving me with our 2 young children to do the bed-time routine and clean up on my own. That is the night I decided I needed to get information and came upon this site.
I have done a lot of reading, and I have also reached out to join an online al anon group. I was very moved and enlightened by the 3 act post. So here I am. I have a lot of sadness, and a lot of questions.
I am very sad to realize that my husband has a problem with alcohol. We have been married for 6 years. He didn't drink much when we got married, and in fact, when were dating, I told him I couldn't handle a man who drank a lot. My father is an alcoholic, and my brother is in recovery after some very, very hard years. My husband's father is also an alcoholic. To be honest about my own shortcomings, I have been pretty controlling around the issue of alcohol and always gave my husband a hard time whenever he drank even small amounts. Long story short, he started hiding from me ( I know he's responsible for his own behavior; I just want to be honest about mine, too.) Over the years, I've noticed that he is less able to control the amounts that he drinks, and he tries to hide the amounts that he drinks. He sometimes goes outside to "smoke a cigarette" but I can smell the alcohol on him when he comes inside. His tolerance is also increasing. He used to be pretty buzzed after 4 beers, but now can drink way more, and he has started venturing into the world of hard alcohol. His coworkers don't help, as many of them drink in the office before leaving in the evenings (car salesmen). Am I rambling? Sorry!
So what lead me here? I have tried to talk to my husband about his drinking, and it is sickening how much he sounds like my father. He's in denial. He's in what I perceive to be the high-functioning stage of alcoholism. He thinks that because he still goes to work every day and sells cars, he's fine. He's says he's not mean like my father and his, so he's fine, etc etc. REcently, though, he has started saying that he realizes his "weakness" but that he can pull it together. "You know me, " he says, "I can always pull it together whatever I face."
We have started fighting about his drinking. Finally he asked me what I want. I took some time, thought about it, and presented him with what I thought I would be comfortable with. It didn't matter what was on the list, the only one he heard was the one he wanted to, "No more hiding. Whatever you do, do it in the open." Boy has he used that against me! Now if I say anything, he threatens to just start hiding it again
2 nights ago, I asked him to stop after he had had 2 vodka cocktails. It was the worst I've ever seen him. I liken it to when I was a child and my mother told me my best friend couldn't stay over for the night. He pouted, wouldn't speak to me, wouldn't eat the dinner I had prepared for him, and went to bed without telling me at 8:30pm, leaving me with our 2 young children to do the bed-time routine and clean up on my own. That is the night I decided I needed to get information and came upon this site. I have done a lot of reading, and I have also reached out to join an online al anon group. I was very moved and enlightened by the 3 act post. So here I am. I have a lot of sadness, and a lot of questions.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Sorry this is happening to you!
Couple of things, while hiding drinking is often indicative of alcoholism it isn't always. Sounds like drinking around you has always been an issue - nevertheless you have noticed his consumption and tolerance increasing.
The 3 C's of alcoholism and addiction are
You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it.
I applaud you for talking with him and making an agreement that he would no longer hide his drinking as he had been. You will not be able to stop him drinking. If you keep asking him to he has already told you, he will just start hiding it again. For me I wanted it in the open.
Policing someone is an act of futility. The best thing you can do for you is to work on yourself, your happiness, and maintaining a happy safe life for your children. Al Anon is wonderful as well as SR. Read and post there are so many helpful people here.
Couple of things, while hiding drinking is often indicative of alcoholism it isn't always. Sounds like drinking around you has always been an issue - nevertheless you have noticed his consumption and tolerance increasing.
The 3 C's of alcoholism and addiction are
You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it.
I applaud you for talking with him and making an agreement that he would no longer hide his drinking as he had been. You will not be able to stop him drinking. If you keep asking him to he has already told you, he will just start hiding it again. For me I wanted it in the open.
Policing someone is an act of futility. The best thing you can do for you is to work on yourself, your happiness, and maintaining a happy safe life for your children. Al Anon is wonderful as well as SR. Read and post there are so many helpful people here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi maghrebia,
In my experience with my xbf, I could not tell him how much to drink or whether or not he could drink. That never worked, neither did nagging, begging, pleading or anything else. Trying to police it doesn't really seem to work and causes a lot of strife. He would hide his drinking from me sometimes too. Eventually we broke up but we weren't even living together so I had a lot less invested than you do. If you want to stay with him, you will need to work on a way of coping with what he is doing.
Al-anon sounds like a good idea for you, also you might want to read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
In my experience with my xbf, I could not tell him how much to drink or whether or not he could drink. That never worked, neither did nagging, begging, pleading or anything else. Trying to police it doesn't really seem to work and causes a lot of strife. He would hide his drinking from me sometimes too. Eventually we broke up but we weren't even living together so I had a lot less invested than you do. If you want to stay with him, you will need to work on a way of coping with what he is doing.
Al-anon sounds like a good idea for you, also you might want to read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
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