Apparently I caused his drinking.
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Apparently I caused his drinking.
So I heard from AH regarding the divorce, and he took the opportunity to tell me that he quit drinking, and then stated, that it saved his life, which I didn't do. So, essentially, I caused and controlled his drinking, which was killing him.
This is a part of his quote: "which literally saved my life. You didn't."
He still doesn't acknowledge the hell he put me through. Jesus, he is an abusive *******. Just another opportunity to make Owathu feel like an ******* and the cause of all of his miseries. And you know what, I do feel like an ******* now. Thanks drunk husband for once again making me cry.
This is a part of his quote: "which literally saved my life. You didn't."
He still doesn't acknowledge the hell he put me through. Jesus, he is an abusive *******. Just another opportunity to make Owathu feel like an ******* and the cause of all of his miseries. And you know what, I do feel like an ******* now. Thanks drunk husband for once again making me cry.
RIP Sweet Suki
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Please don't allow him to make you feel bad. He is just doing what addicts do...diverting blame to someone else. You KNOW that you did not make him drink and you KNOW that is wasn't your responsibility to "save him."
If he is an alcoholic, chances are pretty good that he'll be drinking again before long unless he consistently works a program of recovery. It doesn't sound to me like he is mature enough to do that.
In any case, none of his drinking issues are your fault. You know that, right?
If he is an alcoholic, chances are pretty good that he'll be drinking again before long unless he consistently works a program of recovery. It doesn't sound to me like he is mature enough to do that.
In any case, none of his drinking issues are your fault. You know that, right?
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Originally Posted by suki44883 
Please don't allow him to make you feel bad. He is just doing what addicts do...diverting blame to someone else. You KNOW that you did not make him drink and you KNOW that is wasn't your responsibility to "save him."
If he is an alcoholic, chances are pretty good that he'll be drinking again before long unless he consistently works a program of recovery. It doesn't sound to me like he is mature enough to do that.
In any case, none of his drinking issues are your fault. You know that, right?
If he is an alcoholic, chances are pretty good that he'll be drinking again before long unless he consistently works a program of recovery. It doesn't sound to me like he is mature enough to do that.
In any case, none of his drinking issues are your fault. You know that, right?
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You KNOW that you did not cause his drinking-cant control it and cant cure it! I bet most alcoholics blame their spouses at some point, that way they dont have to take responsibility for their weakness = addiction. Please dont let him make you feel badly, do something nice for yourself today-you deserve it!
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Please don't beat yourself up over this, you deserve so much better. Like others have said, blameshifting is what they do because they have no accountability for their actions.
My Wife blames me for her drinking, for global warming, for the fiscal cliff, for her PMS - you name it, I've F-ed it up somewhere along the line. I wish I had the energy, time, and brains to be able to screw up so much! But no, her actions are on her, and your AH's actions are his alone.
Don't fall for that bait. When you are no longer around to walk all over, he will find someone, something else to blame, they always do.
You are a good person, remember that. And remember that your HP loves you and will take care of you.
Peace and Blessings,
C-OH Dad
My Wife blames me for her drinking, for global warming, for the fiscal cliff, for her PMS - you name it, I've F-ed it up somewhere along the line. I wish I had the energy, time, and brains to be able to screw up so much! But no, her actions are on her, and your AH's actions are his alone.
Don't fall for that bait. When you are no longer around to walk all over, he will find someone, something else to blame, they always do.
You are a good person, remember that. And remember that your HP loves you and will take care of you.
Peace and Blessings,
C-OH Dad
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Who knew you were so powerful?? Funny, how you can make him drink but you couldn't make him stop.
I am not trying to make light of your pain, but his comments are just ridiculous. I question if he is even sober based on what he is saying.
I am not trying to make light of your pain, but his comments are just ridiculous. I question if he is even sober based on what he is saying.
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If we only were that powerful, I'd have made mine buy me a Lexus, too.
What Suki says - its so common - I got blamed for everything, including the divorce, which he filed himself. But my "behavior" was making him do it. It doesn't bother me anymore; I know my reality, I don't need his validation to know what was true and what was quacking.
I am sorry it hurt your feelings to hear that. Maybe next time, if there is a next time, just laugh this stuff off. It's the madness of addictions.
What Suki says - its so common - I got blamed for everything, including the divorce, which he filed himself. But my "behavior" was making him do it. It doesn't bother me anymore; I know my reality, I don't need his validation to know what was true and what was quacking.
I am sorry it hurt your feelings to hear that. Maybe next time, if there is a next time, just laugh this stuff off. It's the madness of addictions.
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haha - yeah, you and that funnel that you're always shoving down his throat so you can pour the booze in.
Funny, how when they want to drink "they are a grown a$s man and can make the choice to do so and you can go pound sand." But when they feel bad about their drinking "you are the one that made em do it."
The logic is astounding.
All we can do is laugh. I hope you find some peace in the knowledge REAL, happy, healthy love won't feel like that when it finds you. :ghug3
Funny, how when they want to drink "they are a grown a$s man and can make the choice to do so and you can go pound sand." But when they feel bad about their drinking "you are the one that made em do it."
The logic is astounding.
All we can do is laugh. I hope you find some peace in the knowledge REAL, happy, healthy love won't feel like that when it finds you. :ghug3
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Thanks everyone for the kind words. What he said really really stung. Apparently his affair wasn't traumatic at all and I should just shut up about it. If he is sober, I am truly happy for him. And I would be perfectly fine with our marriage ending to have him sober.
Other than that, I am truly seeing him, the real him. Not the fantasy I have had in my head for the last decade. He is not that fantasy I had of him. This cruel person, drunk or sober, that's the real him.
Other than that, I am truly seeing him, the real him. Not the fantasy I have had in my head for the last decade. He is not that fantasy I had of him. This cruel person, drunk or sober, that's the real him.
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So very typical....and so very transparent. He has to do whatever he can to hurt you so that he doesn't have to FEEL the painful remorse that is always under the surface eating away at his self-worth. If he was sober and enjoying life, he wouldn't be saying crap like that. Just try to be grateful that you are OUT. He's obviously still very sick.
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He's choosing meaness at this point, and there's a VERY good chance that meaness will be directed back at himself oneday, and the day he directs it at himself, is the day he will pick up the bottle again.
Doesn't sound like that day is too far off, and sure doesn't sound like progress in life.
The only way you could have saved his life is if he had made you his higher power. Which would have been disasterous too. Nobody wants that burden on their back.
Hold your head up high for not being mean, Owathu. Aren't you glad you are you, and not him?
Doesn't sound like that day is too far off, and sure doesn't sound like progress in life.
The only way you could have saved his life is if he had made you his higher power. Which would have been disasterous too. Nobody wants that burden on their back.
Hold your head up high for not being mean, Owathu. Aren't you glad you are you, and not him?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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While words sting they are just that words and quacks.
I am amazed at how we continue to let them dictate how we "feel" about ourselves when we well know that if their lips are moving they are manipulating, lying and in complete denial.
They can't give what they don't have. They are not honest and are in a distorted world of false reality where someone, anyone other than themselves is to blame for their problems.
Usually the closest person to them is their victim of choice. We are like fish in a barrel...helpless and wounded by their mean and vindictive words that are at heart complete and utter false lies.
No contact is your friend. Seriously. Only communicate in writing and it will make divorce so much more pleasant for you. Words are easier to wound with and written words are forever and he will have to live with whatever he writes out to you.
Give yourself the gift of getting better. Loving yourself. Create boundaries that do not allow verbal abuse or garbage to come into your new world of peace and serenity.
Take care of you!
I am amazed at how we continue to let them dictate how we "feel" about ourselves when we well know that if their lips are moving they are manipulating, lying and in complete denial.
They can't give what they don't have. They are not honest and are in a distorted world of false reality where someone, anyone other than themselves is to blame for their problems.
Usually the closest person to them is their victim of choice. We are like fish in a barrel...helpless and wounded by their mean and vindictive words that are at heart complete and utter false lies.
No contact is your friend. Seriously. Only communicate in writing and it will make divorce so much more pleasant for you. Words are easier to wound with and written words are forever and he will have to live with whatever he writes out to you.
Give yourself the gift of getting better. Loving yourself. Create boundaries that do not allow verbal abuse or garbage to come into your new world of peace and serenity.
Take care of you!
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Originally Posted by owathu
Thanks everyone for the kind words. What he said really really stung. Apparently his affair wasn't traumatic at all and I should just shut up about it. If he is sober, I am truly happy for him. And I would be perfectly fine with our marriage ending to have him sober.
Other than that, I am truly seeing him, the real him. Not the fantasy I have had in my head for the last decade. He is not that fantasy I had of him. This cruel person, drunk or sober, that's the real him.
Other than that, I am truly seeing him, the real him. Not the fantasy I have had in my head for the last decade. He is not that fantasy I had of him. This cruel person, drunk or sober, that's the real him.
I actually had my exH's affair partner tell me "He does not drink like that any more." She never blamed his drinking on me directly, but implied it in that statement. I was so hurt by that statement until I got feedback that the fact it was said means that something is not right, and what a cruel statement it was to say that to someone even if it was true.
I don't know what is what in the merry go round of affairs and alcohol but I have learned that my loved one struggles with alcohol, can be very selfish and cruel as a result, and that his statements are more about him then they are about me.
As much as it hurts can you imagine viewing the world the way he does....that is so depressing to feel that awful about yourself that you need to slime it off onto someone else to release some of it.
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Good afternoon owathu,
When I saw the title of your post, I felt a lot of anger come back inside me from when my ex accused me of that very same thing, except my ex didn't have the courage to my face. To my face, he would apologize profusely then go to other mutual friends and say that I caused him to smoke marijuana, I caused him to relapse, drink, etc because I was stressing him out and on and on. When I initially heard it, like you, I was VERY hurt, upset, resentful, bitter, sad, and depressed. After all I had sacrificed and done for him, he had the nerve to put all the responsibility on me. Sure, I stressed him out, but what I have learned through Al-Anon, SR, and AA, no one can make you feel anything or do anything. No one can make you feel stressed out. No one can make anyone drink or be sober.
For awhile, I thought omg what if people believe him? Then I was reminded that whoever believes him is most likely in the same boat as him in terms of denial or are newly getting to know him that they are unaware of his disease. We dated for 3 years and the first time or two we broke up, people did, in fact, believe some of the nonsense he was off saying about me. BUT, with time, people began to see and be able to decipher for themselves what was true and no true. They were able to see that here was a grown adult male who was shifting blame to his gf for all the miserable things going on in HIS life and you know what? Now, no one believes him and since we broke up 2 months ago, I have not heard a peep from him or a peep about him because people stopping associating with him.
I know it's hard to take in especially without defending yourself and being upset, but I can tell you that in my experience, stepping back and letting things unfold will ultimately feel better in the long run. Let him go on and on, because any grown man that goes around saying such nonsense sounds ridiculous and immature. You can't control what he is saying, but you CAN control how YOU react and how you deal with it. The more he can provoke any kind of emotion out of you, the more power he has over you, and the more it means he is able to manipulate you and possibly suck you back in as an enabler. Sometimes, when people are feeling down they want to take others down with them. Don't let him do that. Whatever he is saying about you is NOT a reflection of you but is a reflection of HIM and how HE is feeling. He needs to figure that out on his own and unfortunately no one can help him. We can only help ourselves.
Take care and keep coming back! Stay strong!
When I saw the title of your post, I felt a lot of anger come back inside me from when my ex accused me of that very same thing, except my ex didn't have the courage to my face. To my face, he would apologize profusely then go to other mutual friends and say that I caused him to smoke marijuana, I caused him to relapse, drink, etc because I was stressing him out and on and on. When I initially heard it, like you, I was VERY hurt, upset, resentful, bitter, sad, and depressed. After all I had sacrificed and done for him, he had the nerve to put all the responsibility on me. Sure, I stressed him out, but what I have learned through Al-Anon, SR, and AA, no one can make you feel anything or do anything. No one can make you feel stressed out. No one can make anyone drink or be sober.
For awhile, I thought omg what if people believe him? Then I was reminded that whoever believes him is most likely in the same boat as him in terms of denial or are newly getting to know him that they are unaware of his disease. We dated for 3 years and the first time or two we broke up, people did, in fact, believe some of the nonsense he was off saying about me. BUT, with time, people began to see and be able to decipher for themselves what was true and no true. They were able to see that here was a grown adult male who was shifting blame to his gf for all the miserable things going on in HIS life and you know what? Now, no one believes him and since we broke up 2 months ago, I have not heard a peep from him or a peep about him because people stopping associating with him.
I know it's hard to take in especially without defending yourself and being upset, but I can tell you that in my experience, stepping back and letting things unfold will ultimately feel better in the long run. Let him go on and on, because any grown man that goes around saying such nonsense sounds ridiculous and immature. You can't control what he is saying, but you CAN control how YOU react and how you deal with it. The more he can provoke any kind of emotion out of you, the more power he has over you, and the more it means he is able to manipulate you and possibly suck you back in as an enabler. Sometimes, when people are feeling down they want to take others down with them. Don't let him do that. Whatever he is saying about you is NOT a reflection of you but is a reflection of HIM and how HE is feeling. He needs to figure that out on his own and unfortunately no one can help him. We can only help ourselves.
Take care and keep coming back! Stay strong!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Please do 't pay attention to the quack quack out of his month. There isn't a wife on this site that hasn't been blamed for their misery and their drinking. You didn't tie him down and force it down his throat. You so deserve better. Hang in there and don't let him spoil your day . You deserve BETTER. I agree with the other...he's either lying or he'll be drinking soon. My AH finally admitted he had a problem. Big big step! Instead of getting help though, he's cutting back to one a day! Already caught him lying. Thinks will go back to the same old ways in a week. My AH and your ex will be at the local bar again next week. SAD! Hang in there.
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owathu, sorry for your pain. Mean is mean, drunk or sober. Someone in real recovery would pause to think of the effects of their speech. Try to let it roll off you. It says nothing about you, but everything about his narcissistic world view.
Peace and love,
Celticgenes
Peace and love,
Celticgenes
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Wow guys, thanks so much for the kind words and support. What he said really through me for a loop and as strong as I am, it really hurt to see him say that. I guess I am not "as over" it as I thought. I have been keeping NC with him for the last few months, but the divorce thing has always been on the back of my mind. Something I wanted to get done before the New Year.
I really and truly hope that he does stay sober if he is sober, even if that means I will never speak to him again. Just knowing he is healthy and happy, even as pissed as I am at him, will bring me peace. So, he might say that I didn't do anything to get him sober, and I was causing him to drink, at least my leaving might have been a catalyst to have him do it himself. So, there AH! I did "save your life"...Jerk.
I really and truly hope that he does stay sober if he is sober, even if that means I will never speak to him again. Just knowing he is healthy and happy, even as pissed as I am at him, will bring me peace. So, he might say that I didn't do anything to get him sober, and I was causing him to drink, at least my leaving might have been a catalyst to have him do it himself. So, there AH! I did "save your life"...Jerk.
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