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A lot to cope with coming up :(

Old 12-18-2012, 06:37 AM
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A lot to cope with coming up :(

4 wks I confronted my parents about an uncle who sexualy abused me when I was younger and why they thought it was acceptable for him to still be part of the family and for me to contunie going to functions when he will be there.

Cut a long story short, they are angry I could bring this back up after all this time and after a few heated words I have not spoke to them since.

It is my son's birthday tomorrow and my husband just phoned to tell me my dad phoned him this morning to say they will be up to to see him tonight.

I am now freaking out, I have waited 4 weeks for them to speak to me, looked everytime I hear a car pull up outside, run over loads of conversations of what I would say and them coming tonight it is clear they are only coming because of my son.

I have not had a drink since last wednesday and don't want to allow this to be an excuse to have a drink tonight.

I can't beleive how weired I feel right now.
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Old 12-18-2012, 06:57 AM
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It seems as though your parents are blaming you. You are the victim here, don't forget that. I would cut my parents off completely if they reacted to sexual abuse in that way. Give them an ultimatum...it's you and your family or the uncle. If they insist on having this uncle around then you won't be.
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Old 12-18-2012, 07:00 AM
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A cup of tea 6 biscuits and a handful of sweets I have told myself I WILL NOT DRINK, because what will happen is I will become angry and uncontrollably upset and take it out on my husband and he don't desever any of it.

I think my first reaction was like a child in trouble, oh no what will my mum and dad say, will they tell me off.

Well I am going to stand my ground, this is my home, it's my son they are coming to see and I will leave our row for another time and once they have left I will go to bed.

My head is spinning, why not prepared for this today, thought I would have heard off them tomorrow.

Sorry for the rant.
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Old 12-18-2012, 07:05 AM
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Waste, the sad thing is I don't think I need to give them an ultimatum I think they have already made that choice by ignoring me and if it was not for my son b'day I don't know when I would have heard off them.

I'm annoyed they had to phone my husband to tell him they were coming, part of me want to go out this evening to avoid seeing them, but why should I make it easy for them.

I'm angry and I'm going to try and use this anger in a postive way..
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Old 12-18-2012, 07:25 AM
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First of all, good for you for speaking about the sexual abuse from your uncle and refusing to be in the same room with him. That's powerful!

And, you're doing the right thing to allow your son to have them visit for his birthday. Beyond that, you need not say anything until you are ready. Stay strong.
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Old 12-18-2012, 07:35 AM
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Not sure about your feelings on this D but I was also abused as a child (a very young child by a teacher) and sadly I was too young and innocent (also starved of sufficient parental care) to understand what he was up to....so it is only since the Savile story broke that I have thought about it again (sigh). Maybe you can relate to this - I think a lot of women can.

I wish you all the very best. Families can be difficult but try and remember that deep inside no matter how angry (merited or unmerited) they are, they do love you and obviously the fact they are coming over shows that.x
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Old 12-18-2012, 07:36 AM
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I had a similar experience, step father not uncle. It was minor sexual abuse - but still not right. I was told that I had made it up to cause trouble (I was 13 and it was Xmas day - drink involved of course) and it has never been dealt with.

I often wondered if I had made it up.

My own daughter came to me a few years ago and said she didn't like the way my step dad touched and looked at her.

Then I really knew I hadn't made it up.

But I have never, ever known how to deal with it. It would break up what small family and 'support' me and my daughter have, but sometimes I have wanted to scream "how is this ok???"

I put a lot of my problems with alcohol down to this incident.

Well done for confronting your parents...it takes guts.
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Old 12-18-2012, 07:43 AM
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At this important time in your life you must do what is best to stay sober. You should be very proud of yourself for having the courage to talk to your parents. You can't control how they respond. The only one who can make u drink is you and if u do the other issues will remain. By having the strength to talk about such a painful issue I'm 100% sure u have the strength not to drink. Your pal in recovery... Wes...
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Old 12-18-2012, 07:47 AM
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Cut THEM off. For them to keep your abuser in their lives and expect you to be accepting of that is outrageous. I'd let them go if I were you. I would NEVER be able to accept my abuser in my family's lives, let alone, my space.
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Old 12-18-2012, 07:47 AM
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Val and Bunny I am also sorry you both had to go thought such similar suituations durning your childhood.

I was 6 yrs when it happened but took me until I was a teenager to understand it was wrong and when I told my parents (17 yrs ago) they made me think I was trying to cause trouble I also doubted it really happened, the uncle moved away (but I would have to see him at weddings, party's etc.) it was all brushed under the carpet and along with my drinking problem and the Jimmy savil case splattered everywhere is the reason I beleive it resurfaced 4 wks ago.

And again my parents don't want to beleive it.

Thank you both, just for letting me know I'm not alone x
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Old 12-18-2012, 07:48 AM
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Hi Dorris,
So sorry for what you have been going through. My prayers are with you during this difficult time.
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Old 12-18-2012, 07:50 AM
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I would talk to a professional that has experience in sexual abuse and stay strong as there is no excuse to drink. I have never seen a problem that drinking did not make worse
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Old 12-18-2012, 08:05 AM
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When I realised that I hadn't imagined it, I was very angry and drank a lot. But I wish I would just go for a long dog walk or a run because the drink makes me more angry or just feel sorry for myself and cry.

I guess this is the journey though... learning to face things that hurt or are uncomfortable and not blank it out or try and take the 'edge' off.

I love my mum loads and we are very close but she wouldn't believe me at the time. I'm just glad that I could support my daughter and protect her.

For me dealing with 'properly' would destroy my mum, so me and my daughter sat down and decided that we wouldn't do that, I did give her the choice though.

But I never let her alone with him when he drinks.

And I know how ****** up that is btw. Life ain't easy.
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Old 12-18-2012, 08:11 AM
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Your husband should stand by you in support....as for your parents calling him to visit your son, instead of their own daughter???? this is such a volitile situation. take care of yourself.
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Old 12-18-2012, 08:19 AM
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We obviously don't know your whole picture D - maybe your parents think that if they called you that you would not be very welcoming due to the arguments. They obviously feel your hub is a go-between and that is ok as he told you about it.

I think Jimmy has a lot!! to answer for - but maybe this way we can put it all to rest D...I hope so.
x
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Old 12-18-2012, 10:12 AM
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I admire you so much for standing up to your parents and being honest about this. Have you also spoken in depth to your husband?

I was also abused in the most awful of circumstances over a number of years as a child. It is singly the most devastating event that has happened to me. Years of drinking to numb the pain just buried it. I'm not able to talk about it even now to anyone, even those closest to me. I've posted more on SR than I've ever had the courage to say in real life. On the surface I cope very well now, but those subconscious thoughts show themselves in insomnia and night terrors to this day.

I believe you have a real strength in confronting this. For your husband to support you, he needs to be aware of all the facts. Your parents should not be able to phone him and simply announce they will be coming over.

You mentioned in a previous post you were going to counselling. I really hope that helps you. Drinking won't solve anything.

My thoughts are with you xxx
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Old 12-18-2012, 10:22 AM
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I am so sorry that so many are going through this experience and trying to cope with it-it must be overwhelming. People run away from difficult and horrid things. They don't want to deal with anything uncomfortable or unpleasant. The fact that so many families are willing to let their child be abused or question their word rather than confront the situation is heartbreaking.

You can accept your family coming over for your son's sake, but it's okay to keep your distance in the future while you sort out all of your feelings about their nonreaction. It took guts for you to confront them and they should have to deal with the situation, even if it is years later.
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Old 12-18-2012, 10:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
First of all, good for you for speaking about the sexual abuse from your uncle and refusing to be in the same room with him. That's powerful!

And, you're doing the right thing to allow your son to have them visit for his birthday. Beyond that, you need not say anything until you are ready. Stay strong.
With Anna on this.

This situation needs to be handled the way you want it to be.
You need to take control and regain power.

You say if you want to discuss it and when you want to discuss it.

You say even if his name is even allowed to be mentioned in your presence.

They (your uncle and parents) are not in control and take away their power.

If you want to press charges then it is your choice to make.
It will make you feel ten feet tall.

My therapist once told me that my parents were not being hurtful in a similar situation to yours, but DID NOT HAVE THE SKILLS TO COPE, DEAL WITH OR RESPOND TO THE SITUATION.

If they said or did something which I found unsupportive or made light of what I went through, I remembered there lack of skills and I actually felt quite a lot of pity for them. They were not equipped to deal with the situation.
It also led me to realise there were not many situations they were equipped to deal with that required empathy, tact and understanding.

How do you deal with your uncle in such situations?
Do you glare at him? Do you ask why he thinks it is okay he is attending? Do you make him feel uncomfortable and turn him into a quivering wreck as he deserves?

The counsellor who I met with was amazing.
No other words.

She made me see that these dirty pathetic men had turned me into quivering wrecks.
And of course that would have happened. I was 11 years old. Now it was MY turn to turn them into quivering wrecks if I wanted.

After years of confused feelings that turned into family rows when I tried to ask questions and wanted to know why they seemingly 'let' things happen, I will talk about it if I want. If MY permission is not given for it to be talked about then it is not talked about.
It did not happen to them, it happened to me.

I decide what happens next.

I also will take a personal stand. If anyone talks about home tutors I am fully prepared to say why I disagree with leaving an unchecked stranger with my child for an hour. Safety is paramount over education. And I am sorry if that makes anyone feel uncomfortable. Some dirtbag made me feel uncomfortable for years.

You can take a stand too. What do you believe in?

Please, please, please find a counsellor like I had. I want you to feel ten feet tall too........like I do xx
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Old 12-18-2012, 11:55 AM
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I feel like my heart has been ripped out. My dad came alone, with my son's birthday card and also his and my daughters christmas presents, cards and gifts for all of us off both my grandparents. But no card for me off my parents. My mum has made it very clear she dose not want to speak to me and there is no need to see her over christmas as the childrens already have their presents. Only twice myself and my mum have not spoken and the first was 17yrs ago when I told her what had happened and again now.

After the row 4 wks ago I wrote a 4 page letter to my parents explaining how what he did made me feel and how him teaching me adult things at such a young age lead to me doing some disgusting things and how I tick all the boxes as a result of sexual abuse, stealing money, thumb sucking, binge eating and now the worst depression and drinking. The letter was to inform them how I feel like I'm going crazy and one bus ride away from the nut house, I never blamed them once for what he did and told them how much I loved them and appreciated everything they do for me and my children. And to have no response was bad enough but now for her to ignore me over christmas I think is spiteful.

I have told my husband as much as I can about the suituation, the only bits I've left out is some of the extreme things I had to go through, not sure I'm brave enough to talk about them with the councillor.

Jeni I remember your response to my thread the other day, just like to say my thoughts are with you as they are with everyone else suffering as am I.

Sasha I'm with you 100% I am OTT with the protection of my children.

Thank you, I can't explain how much it means to me to be able come here, I tell you I was close to it even had the conversation with my hubby bout how much I could do with a drink.

xxxx
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Old 12-18-2012, 12:03 PM
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You are only responsible for youself. What you parents do or do not do is not in your control. This is not your fault that you parents are sticking thier heads in the ground and pretending like if we ignore the abuse and you the problem just vanishes.....NOT!

Talk to a professional and get some guidance and healing
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