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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3,065
New to forum
Hi all. I have posted in another couple of sections but I thought I had better introduce myself here properly.
At 34 years old I am once again new to recovery after being clean for 9 years
. In my teenage years and early 20's I had a big problem with amphetamines and took whatever other drugs were on offer, way too much acid, ecstasy, whatever and moved onto heroin just before I feel pregnant with my first child. I got clean for him. I had been to rehab and lots of different na groups but kept relapsing until I had a reason other than myself to stop.
Fast forward, an amazing husband and 4 more children later and a short relapse back to just smoking weed and I had not touched anything except alcohol for 9 years and hasn't picked up a needle for 12 or 13. Until this year. I suddenly found myself not pregnant or breastfeeding for the first time in along time an I kind of lost the plot. I don't know how to look after me for my own sake. I started opening up about my past to friends for the first time and it left me with bad dreams, memories and unable to sleep. Add in he stress of our 2 year old having operations and I ended up addicted to codeine and Valium plus taking whatever else I could find, oxycodone, etc.
So I've been off the pills for a couple of weeks now and not feeling great at all. Physically I'm struggling but the emotional and anxiety parts are even worse than before.
I have so much guilt about the past, the fact that I was severely bulimic through my pregnancies and the worry I've caused my husband lately. And I'm obsessed with using, pills were a temporary comfort but they weren't what I really wanted. I love heroin. I should hate it but I love it, I can't lie, there I said it. I want to hate it. I don't do it anymore because I know it's not right. But just not doing it but wanting to every second of the day is not a good way to live.
I have such a blessed life. Amazing husband, gorgeous kids, great friends who don't really understand me but love me anyway, and a great job! Why am I so miserable and fjnd it impossible to manage my life?
Thanks for letting me share. There's some stuff there I just needed to get out.
At 34 years old I am once again new to recovery after being clean for 9 years
. In my teenage years and early 20's I had a big problem with amphetamines and took whatever other drugs were on offer, way too much acid, ecstasy, whatever and moved onto heroin just before I feel pregnant with my first child. I got clean for him. I had been to rehab and lots of different na groups but kept relapsing until I had a reason other than myself to stop.Fast forward, an amazing husband and 4 more children later and a short relapse back to just smoking weed and I had not touched anything except alcohol for 9 years and hasn't picked up a needle for 12 or 13. Until this year. I suddenly found myself not pregnant or breastfeeding for the first time in along time an I kind of lost the plot. I don't know how to look after me for my own sake. I started opening up about my past to friends for the first time and it left me with bad dreams, memories and unable to sleep. Add in he stress of our 2 year old having operations and I ended up addicted to codeine and Valium plus taking whatever else I could find, oxycodone, etc.
So I've been off the pills for a couple of weeks now and not feeling great at all. Physically I'm struggling but the emotional and anxiety parts are even worse than before.
I have so much guilt about the past, the fact that I was severely bulimic through my pregnancies and the worry I've caused my husband lately
. And I'm obsessed with using, pills were a temporary comfort but they weren't what I really wanted. I love heroin. I should hate it but I love it, I can't lie, there I said it. I want to hate it. I don't do it anymore because I know it's not right. But just not doing it but wanting to every second of the day is not a good way to live. I have such a blessed life. Amazing husband, gorgeous kids, great friends who don't really understand me but love me anyway, and a great job! Why am I so miserable and fjnd it impossible to manage my life?
Thanks for letting me share. There's some stuff there I just needed to get out.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Seen you around, but a big welcome from me too, midlifecrisis 
I think supports really important - that and giving recovery a chance.
Things don't get better overnight but they do get better.
We change too as our lives do - I never thought there's be a time when I didn't want to get high, but... here I am
I love my life now - stick with it
D
I think supports really important - that and giving recovery a chance.
Things don't get better overnight but they do get better.
We change too as our lives do - I never thought there's be a time when I didn't want to get high, but... here I am
I love my life now - stick with it
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Hi
Thanks for your honesty.
I understand the feelings in your head when you suddenly find yourself free from breastfeeding, pregnancy and babies getting up every two hours in the night. I have a young daughter too. I take my hat off to you with four beautiful kids.
But I suppose really, your life changes so much when you have children, that there can never ever be that same freedom there again. There is always someone else to worry about. And your behaviour is not just your own concern but the concern of your partner and your family and your kids. At least thats how I see it.
I have felt those funny feelings too when it seems no-one around me understands - friends, work, family, partner.
The only way I can describe it is either feeling like I stick out like an awkward sore thumb or I feel lonely in a crowd. I'm the one that does not fit in.
The only way I can deal with it is immersing myself in recovery. So for me that is coming here and reading and posting and going to AA when I can.
I am glad you found us and I look forward to reading more honest posts like the one I just read.
Take lots of care. xxxx
Thanks for your honesty.
I understand the feelings in your head when you suddenly find yourself free from breastfeeding, pregnancy and babies getting up every two hours in the night. I have a young daughter too. I take my hat off to you with four beautiful kids.
But I suppose really, your life changes so much when you have children, that there can never ever be that same freedom there again. There is always someone else to worry about. And your behaviour is not just your own concern but the concern of your partner and your family and your kids. At least thats how I see it.
I have felt those funny feelings too when it seems no-one around me understands - friends, work, family, partner.
The only way I can describe it is either feeling like I stick out like an awkward sore thumb or I feel lonely in a crowd. I'm the one that does not fit in.
The only way I can deal with it is immersing myself in recovery. So for me that is coming here and reading and posting and going to AA when I can.
I am glad you found us and I look forward to reading more honest posts like the one I just read.
Take lots of care. xxxx
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3,065
Yep totally. My life is not my own anymore and that's the into thing thy has kept me clean for so long, well until recently. They are the only reason I have up again. And then I feel so guilty. All.the.time. I'd hate them to feel like I do
I feel like i never fit in also! I have felt that way as long as I can remember. I have stacks of friends but I still feel, I dunno...alone? Inferior?
I am so blessed with 5 kids actually!
Thanks heaps
I feel like i never fit in also! I have felt that way as long as I can remember. I have stacks of friends but I still feel, I dunno...alone? Inferior?
I am so blessed with 5 kids actually!
Thanks heaps
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