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I feel like a newcomer, dry drunk

Old 12-17-2012, 09:57 PM
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I feel like a newcomer, dry drunk

I will sum up my story quickly here and have only really identified how deep it goes recently... 10 years ago i got sober. Went to rehab first 2 years of recovery i grew. Then i really wanted a girlfriend but didn't have the guts. I was too shy so i went extreme introvert after frustrating evenings of me doing nothing about it. I never went out and for the next 8 years or whatever I stayed home on weekends etc. I have no desire to have any friends, don't care to go shoot the **** on a friday, i want a f'ing girlfriend.

I got my wish and i feel hard for a girl, then i got scared and pushed her away. 1-2 weeks after breakup i realized what a flipping moron i am. At the time she had help me reawaken and all these old memories started coming back. I got greedy and confident and scared, very bad mixture.

Now she has done the right thing and said gtfu out of my life. I feel like crap cause i really cared about her. Now i feel hopeless. I see two paths:
1. Drink
2. God

I have tried to go to god but it cannot be maintained. I only feel like praying when down, when things are good i forget and i **** up my life good. If i am not down i don't feel a connection with god, as i try to pray when up but it just doesn't work and i don't care.

The truth is i know i am not ready for a girlfriend yet, i can't even handle myself. Yet i also know it would probably take a team of scientists, 3 prescriptions and years of hard work to be dateable and i am not willing to go through this.

I don't have motivation to fix myself now and just want to mope and say **** it again and turn introvert. Everyone says don't drink but i can't be like this forever and that WILL give me motivation. I never tried controlled drinking in past always did drugs, though yes i know it is a drug but at this point if i fail it would probably be better for me anyway, as the big book says if your not sure on step 1 go back out.

I hate god for putting this poor girl in my path as well as hate god for making me the way i am. Not going to lie, suicide feels like an option now though not planned 100%. I don't do it because i do have people that care and it is the ultimate selfish act. And now i am a smoker again when i was smoke free for so long, f'ing great.

HATING GOD,
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:07 PM
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Ohh jeepr, you can swear and curse God if that relieves some tension and anxiety. I am not a devout believer (in that, I do believe in a higher power, I am just not sure what that higher power is), but I do think that your God would totally understand your pain and why you are hating on him/her so much at this point.
You are blessed that you have people that care about you and you obviously care about them given you don't want to cause them the magnitude of pain that would be endured if you were to end your life.
When I feel at my lowest of lows, I try to think of people that are worse off than myself (for example the children and families of that recent school shooting) and I feel humbled, almost embarrassed that I am licking my wounds because I have a hard time controlling my drinking and yet they are heading into Christmas having to attend a funeral of a loved one that was so selfishly snatched from them a week before. Breaks my heart.
Trust me when I say you will meet someone when you are ready to meet someone. And it ALWAYS happens when you least expect it.
Just gotta have hope and faith
Good luck dude.
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:08 PM
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Maybe a good time to see a doctor about you're depression and your anxiety. I can't see myself being too anti-social or I would go crazy.
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:12 PM
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Hi Jeepr - welcome

I'm sorry for your pain.

From your post it reads like you were looking for someone to fix you maybe?

it's something a lot of us guys instinctively do - we're still looking for the outside fix we used to find in drugs and alcohol.

The only way I ever found peace was to look at the void inside me - the hole I tried to fill for years with booze and drugs and women - and *stop* trying to fill the damn thing.

It can't be filled man - but it can be healed...with a lot of work and patience.

Of course the irony is once I started to heal myself, I started to love myself...and once I did that...other people started to love me too

I can understand hating God - I felt the same for a long time...but God didn't do this man - I truly believe God wants the best for us.

I think the best for you is still to come...but maybe you just have a little more work to do yet?

D
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:32 PM
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I am too tired to do more work. i think prescriptions or drinking is only choice at this point. I never understood the void thing everyone talks about, i try to find it but can't, i just need stuff for me to be outgoing enough to socialize. I so confused i don't know which way is left or right and i just am loosing more and more energy/will power as life goes on. I don't care to fix myself. I don't want to dig deep and do steps. One week i care for other people and the next i could care less. Comparing my life to others less fortunate doesn't work cause i don't care about others and only myself when down.

Meetings are good for most, they just make me worse most of the time, i feel so different from everyone. I did drugs to fix how i felt and continued to be introverted as i didn't need them anymore. Most people did it to party i am the most alone person i know.

I hate posts like this that are so negative just what i am truly feeling tho. Maybe i am truly a psychopath every other week or something?

My vision of god is not good obviously, i think when someone said that god could tolerate the swearing and cares for me still is great advice, but i cannot think of that stuff on my own. I feel God abandons me when i am this low.

Sorry for the rants.
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Old 12-17-2012, 11:10 PM
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Jeeper, Depression was mentioned in a post above and I want to second that. Often when folks become depressed they feel like nothing will ever get any better. I know, I’ve been there. Depression has an odd way of twisting our thinking. From your post it sounds like the emotion is affecting your view of nearly everything. That’s what happened to me. I would self-medicate with alcohol and eventually I had two rather nasty problems. Go in for an evaluation. Please. There is a lot they can do to treat depression. There is no need for you to feel as low as you do now. It CAN change… as impossible as that may seem to you now.
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Old 12-17-2012, 11:15 PM
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I am too tired to do more work. i think prescriptions or drinking is only choice at this point. I never understood the void thing everyone talks about, i try to find it but can't, i just need stuff for me to be outgoing enough to socialize.
can you see tho? these are external solutions - some of them may take away the troubling symptoms (if you're lucky) but the cause will always remain.

Sooner or later, I think if we want things to be better, we need to face ourselves.

Noone wants someone who's broken - we need to fix ourselves if we want to have any chance of lasting happiness and peace...not to mention long lasting relationships.

when you said you've tried to find your void but couldn't...what did you try?

D
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Old 12-18-2012, 12:48 AM
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Jeepr

I wanted to add - I just share my experience...but I'm a layman...I'm not a psychologist and never claim to be...

if you think you might be depressed, or if you feel you may need meds - you're the best judge of that. I never meant, and would never try to talk you out of that.

I can't judge how serious those self harm thoughts are either.

There's some really good reading here - and a lot of numbers for crisis lines...I hope you'll at least keep the link, and if you think you need it, maybe read a little

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

best wishes to you jeepr
D
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Old 12-18-2012, 01:16 AM
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Jeepr,

I'm going to take a different tact here, mainly because there are a lot of details missing. The thread is a lot about you and your feelings / frustration and not really what the true source of your feelings are.

I don't know the circumstances of why you pushed this girl away and whether with a good heart felt apology and conversation you could fix it but it sounds like the break up was the source of your frustration and depression. If you love her and can openly, honestly and sincerely address and apologise for what happened then perhaps there is a chance for reconciliation?

I don't know if this is what you want or what will help but I do know that people who are truly remorseful and beg for forgiveness with sincerity and integrity stand a much better chance than others.

It will take courage and conviction and must be authentic but if you think this girl is the source of your troubles then I challenge you to give it a try. Don't make any excuses for your behaviour, accept responsibility, don't put any of it on her (even if its gets heated), just accept and take ownership for your role in what happened.

It may work, it may not but I think you will at least get some closer, perhaps some good advise you can take away and apply in the future, or if you are lucky...a second chance!!

I'm not an overly spiritual person myself but there is some great advice and support in the previous posts. Maybe god is helping you.....
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Old 12-18-2012, 02:04 AM
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Originally Posted by jeepr94 View Post
I never understood the void thing everyone talks about, i try to find it but can't, i just need stuff for me to be outgoing enough to socialize.
The void is something I don't feel the need to consult any more. It's a philosophical issue, much as the HP thing. Meh.

We have a personal struggle and need one another, so you're in the right place.

I went to a meeting at a house and the guy running it was an ex Navy Seal. He wasn't familiar with AA when he hit his bottom. He put on his best Sunday clothes and wasn't sure he had arrived at the right place when he saw people dressed in T-shirts and jeans. He had cut himself shaving and was in a disheveled state. The attendees assured him that he was indeed in the right place.

I'm not a fan of AA. Just sayin' that when your number comes up, it's kind of hard to hide.
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Old 12-18-2012, 02:29 AM
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I'm sorry you are going through this, and I guarantee you that picking up the drink or the drugs is not the solution; however, I believe you already know that. I know in my own experience, nothing makes someone even further away and seperate from others as when you are soaked to the gills and your mind is just being whittled away by alcohol or drugs.

Also, in my own experience, HP works through people, and in order to feel "one of many", I had to reach out to the many. I had to ask my HP to take the fear from me, but it was up to me to take action by reaching out to others when stuck.

Being "stuck" sucks the energy right out of you, making the true solution seem unattainable, but I'm telling you, it is possible. You need to know when to pull your foot out of the stinking mire and move forward. When I lived in the "can't" or "won't" mode of thinking, the results were "I didn't", and I stayed right where I was.

You have many who surround you that care - find gratitude in that

What else can you do today to get your foot pulled out of the mire? The two black and white choices you listed are not the only choices you have. I agree with others that a physical with your doctor is a good start.

A farmer can pray for a bumper crop, but he still needs to do some work with the hoe.
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Old 12-18-2012, 02:34 AM
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I could never really address life and work out my fears while I was hiding behind the veil of drugs and alcohol.

For me, praying isn't the best and certainly not the only way to connect with...? I don't really do God. For me the Universe is the Ultimate Reality. It is what it is, and it's not really concerned with me personally. It neither creates nor fixes my issues. My life, I can choose what I want. Nothing is trying to rain on my parade.

I have bi-polar and have spent the majority of my life teetering on suicidal (yet strangely not always depressed when doing so) I am on psych meds, they are not happy pills. It's not the same as taking other pills to get high or escape.

This is the only life I have, so for better or worse I'm going to live and experience it, not throw it away or hand it away. Whatever happens, I truly work to stay engaged with it, rather than hide from it. Even painful stuff, it's mine. I won't be denied my own life.

I've done a lot of different things in my life. I've done the active addiction thing, now I'm doing the recovery thing. It's all interesting, even when it doesn't feel real good. And something new to do always comes along if I am willing to engage with it.
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Old 12-18-2012, 02:40 AM
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Sometimes helping another alcoholic who is struggling and feels hopeless can bring us back from the brink of drinking again. Maybe you could find a new man and talk with him about his problems.

It may be time to look around instead of keeping your focus inward, concentrating on your loss and how you feel about it and who is responsible for doing this to you and thinking of avenues to quickly escape feeling.
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Old 12-18-2012, 03:09 AM
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Originally Posted by wellwisher View Post
In my own experience, HP works through people, and in order to feel "one of many", I had to reach out to the many. I had to ask my HP to take the fear from me, but it was up to me to take action by reaching out to others when stuck.
You took the words right out of my mouth. I can't fathom this HP stuff, but I do know what people are. And it's a good lesson for me to know that I'm not "special" or "different." Just another alkie like Grace Slick who you can meet easily enough here at a local AA meeting.
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Old 12-18-2012, 03:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Threshold View Post
For me the Universe is the Ultimate Reality. It is what it is, and it's not really concerned with me personally.
The idea that the universe is concerned with you seems like wishful thinking to me. But while we live this temporary life, there are fellow souls who do care.
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Old 12-18-2012, 03:41 AM
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Hey Jeepr

In the psalms David often vents his frustration with God. At other times David is very aware of the problems he has brought upon himself. They may be worth a read - they are very real prayers and we find the full range of human experience (including joy, I'm glad to say), in relation to God, in there.
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Old 12-18-2012, 05:51 AM
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Jesus himself felt abandoned by his Father at the end of his earthly life, and He also struggled to pray. I would think that means that you are in some good company.

You think that you are sick in your spirit and maybe physically and mentally too. Please talk to a clergyman, your priest or minister right away. He/she is trained and educated to lead you back to that place of love and acceptance that Jesus has for all of us. His love is unconditional.

Your depression is a real thing too, and a medical doctor is who I talked to during my dark days. That big black dog was always with me, I couldn't shake that sadness that covered everything in my life. My doctor knew how I felt and was able to help me. It wasn't immediate, and I had to do some work too, but the day came when I knew I was better. I was sober too - funny how that works, right?

That day will come for you too, Jeepr. Believe that it will, and do your part. He is always with you.
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Old 12-18-2012, 07:35 AM
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Old 12-18-2012, 02:20 PM
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Originally Posted by kiwi1971 View Post
Jeepr,

I'm going to take a different tact here, mainly because there are a lot of details missing. The thread is a lot about you and your feelings / frustration and not really what the true source of your feelings are.

I don't know the circumstances of why you pushed this girl away and whether with a good heart felt apology and conversation you could fix it but it sounds like the break up was the source of your frustration and depression. If you love her and can openly, honestly and sincerely address and apologise for what happened then perhaps there is a chance for reconciliation?

I don't know if this is what you want or what will help but I do know that people who are truly remorseful and beg for forgiveness with sincerity and integrity stand a much better chance than others.

It will take courage and conviction and must be authentic but if you think this girl is the source of your troubles then I challenge you to give it a try. Don't make any excuses for your behaviour, accept responsibility, don't put any of it on her (even if its gets heated), just accept and take ownership for your role in what happened.

It may work, it may not but I think you will at least get some closer, perhaps some good advise you can take away and apply in the future, or if you are lucky...a second chance!!

I'm not an overly spiritual person myself but there is some great advice and support in the previous posts. Maybe god is helping you.....
I did do just as you suggest and go back. I explained the situation. She is also in the rooms (which is another reason i realllly liked her, didn't have to worry about going out to bars etc) but i think she recognized i was broken. I pushed her away because i got cocky and i walked with confidence for the first time in awhile. I then decided she wasn't right for me. Truly to be honest i maybe feeling all these things for her because i am so lonely though it is a much longer story cause after i broke it off with her there was some communciation on craigslist and was unsure if it was her. I think i argued with someone pretending to be her but feel in love through this. So frequin confusing. I did confess everything (wanted to in person but she only accepted text). I told her i still want to be with her and i do have problems and have seen them, it was long and heartfelt. I think she is still angry over the whole thing but said that we need space maybe in future we can be friends. I was crussshed. Truth is i really am not ready.

I am sure that cockiness will come back and i will have less feelings for her and may do something stupid again. I don't know what i am feeling any more becasue for a week or so every other day i liked her then I didn't. I didn't even know her that long but was such a strong bond. I saw her 8 years ago and feel for her but never did anything and i saw her at a meeting recently and said something and it started from there. I want to show up at her door and talk desperately but at this point i am beginning to look like a creep. Before i even think of doing that i should give it a month i think.

Quite the story :P
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Old 12-18-2012, 02:29 PM
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Wow so much good advice. Got to give a shoutout to the chat part of this website. Someone last night, i don't know how, gave me a shred of willingness. I am going to a meeting to get a sponsor today. I am so scared as i have so much to do but am thinking positive now. Who knows bout next week. I am speaking to a therapist and scheduled something tomorrow, we will talk through these things. I am usually not that depressed cause i stuff feelings a lot but lately been impossible with the girl of my dreams in my life that i threw away. Ugh.

Today is a new day and i do have a shred of willingness. I am holding on to that. Thank you all and happy holidays!

PS i quit caffine last two days, calms me down quite a bit and can feel more which i need to do now. I don't want to allow myself not to feel any more. Must accept the feelings in the moment.
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