Tarot

So he gets out of prison this morning and calls me to say he has to go for a meeting with his keyworker. All his letters lately have been saying how much he is getting from his AA and NA meetings in there and how he has got his head straight now, is so sorry for everything and is going to be pitting his recovery above everything for his sake and not because I want him to and how he will do it with or without me. Then he calls me to say he was on his way to see me. This is a 2 hour journey. 6 hours later he turns up drunk.

I really wanted to do this the Al Anon way and take no notice he was drunk, to rise above it, to not argue, but it was impossible! I listened to what he had to say which amounted to absolutely nothing new. When ever I lost my composure and said anything he said "I haven't come round here for this" and "F* this I'm going" he was just itching for a row so that he could go off and get his fix and be able to blame me. He even suggested that I would be jealous of his keyworker...as if they had something going on. And at one point even said he was sorry for wasting a year of my life but that he had learned from me so that he would be better in his next relationship!!!

In a way I am relieved because if he had have said all the things he should have been saying had he really decided to get into recovery I would have felt i owed it to him to have him back and most likely continue on the rollercoaster but he didn't. He really screwed up. And had no idea why I didn't want him here. The man is insane!!!! I forgot how much so. I closed the door behind him and on our relationship and went to my meditation class and visualized a huge steal door between us and welded it shut!

I felt guilty that I couldn't just ignore the fact that he was drunk and I wished I had have kept my mouth shut and detach with love but I really just wished I could have ripped his head off! I can't believe I wasn't more prepared for this to happen though. Disease or no disease I'm just not strong enough to cope with his insanity and how inappropriate the stuff he says is, how he baits me every time and how easily I take the bait and he gets just what he wanted...his excuse to go off and use and blame me for it all.

I did listen when you all said it was just prison talk and I took it on board and I'm so annoyed at myself that I even actually read his letters and let him back into my mind.

zoso77

I think all of us from time to time are guilty of running our mouths when we shouldn't, especially when we're angry. Don't be too, too hard on yourself. Just be aware of what you can behave like if certain buttons are pushed so that you can change your reaction in the future...

hello-kitty

So what's your plan for when he comes back again?

kmangel

Well, I don't see any point in pretending his being drunk was no big issue--unless you are content to being with a drunk, that is. For me it would be a deal breaker. But that's me.

dollydo

Ok, so now you know, are you finally ready to go no contact....forever?

Tarot

That was the last straw really. I was getting to the point where I could go for a good few hours without thinking about him. All that was keeping me from not closing that door was these letters saying how well he was doing with the AA and NA programs in there but he couldn't even get through the first day so he couldn't have been taking it seriously at all could he. It was purely prison talk. There's no way I am having anything to do with him now he's straight back into the insanity. I had forgotten how I hate that part of him and am grateful infact that he's done this on the first day instead of it being in a couple of weeks or months after I had got my hopes up any higher. He rang me a few minutes ago and I just said I didn't want to hear his sorries and to leave me alone. If he keeps it up I will get a restraining order out on him because I can't handle this insanity any longer. I just want to get to the point where I don't think of him ever again now.

lightseeker

Hi Tarot....sorry for the latest events but hopefully they will give you clarity.

From my experienece there will always be promises given - but they are hooks. Get out there and show me demonstrated recovery without me in your life for at least a year and I might begin to believe it.

For that matter....I need a year of demonstrated recovery of my own (meetings, working with a sponsor, service work) before I attempt to be involved in any relationship.

And one thing that I know for sure is that I don't want to be involved with an active alcholic or addict - or anyone in their first year of recovery.

You know he will be back at some point so what is your plan? It's been really really hard for me to stay away from my ex...he says he's willing to "give it all up" if I'll recommit to him. Ahhhhh....no. I won't be doing that. Been there, done that, have the t-shirt.

Glad that you are taking care of you. No matter what - it's always disappointing to have to go through things like that.

Tarot

Thanks lightseeker. I was just reading your brilliant post on starving the vampire. That's what I will be working from from now on. I'm preparing myself. I told him today to leave me alone now, that he had blown it for me helping him through recovery and to ring me when he's a year in recovery. I'm not going to have it any other way and am in fact glad that I don't have to help him through recovery because I have very little faith that he will do it anyway. Also I have so much I would have to forgive him for...I just don't think I could.

I was thinking of finding myself a rebound asap but realistically I just don't think I could face yet another disastrous relationship. I don't half pick them! At the very least I will do as you suggest and take a year at least and brace and prepare myself for the next vampire attack!

LoveMeNow

.....because he will back!!

kmangel

Like you, I would be grateful too that he showed his true colors from the get go, straight from rehab. I remember when my son came from from rehab. His Dad drove him to our house from rehab which was out of state and he was very much talking on the drive up about going to an AA meeting as soon as he got home. He waltzed into our house and he suddenly changed his mind. Never did attend one meeting. I had spoken to a counselor (my husband and I had visited her while he was in rehab) and I suggested he speak with her which he did. I'm glad he was at least talking to someone. He had his ups and downs--so did his father and me! Quite an experience to be sure.

There is much wisdom in keeping distance from an addict/alcoholic for a year while they are working on their recovery. That could be your next move should you decide to allow him back into your life--his having at least one year of recovery under his belt. You might be thinking you should already have had that requirement before he waltzed into your home drunk after having just left rehab. Thank God for those blessings where the truth is made clear early on so we are spared some unpleasantness (provided we take advantage of the blessing).

kmangel

Good move. Just like an addict/alcoholic is benefitted by working on their recovery and not beginning any new love interests for at least a year, I think it must be the same for co-dependents. Otherwise, you are likely to fall into another relationship with someone similar to your boyfriend--which I imagine is something you want to avoid!

Tarot

Thanks Kmangel I am thanking God he did this today and not in a few weeks time. That was how he got me hooked for so long...staying clean/sober for a week or two before going on a bender. It gave me so much hope and was so hard to give up on him because he did manage to go for lengths of time without using. Thankfully he didn't manage to get me that hooked this time. I just kept telling myself to watch his actions and not listen to his words. Today was his judgment day for me and thankfully I don't have to try and believe anything he says now. I can't imagine how I would have felt had this had been his first day out of rehab and not prison! Thanks for letting me know that's likely too. I shall see myself as having a lucky escape there. Bless you. Big hug.

oooopps

this is awesome!!

helpme33

So glad that you are smarter than I was! BUT, he will be back and I even had his family show up at my door from another state to plead his case.

He loved me soooooo much, I guess that was why he left me and moved in with a hitcher when I was 4 months pregnant.

Stay strong, don't answer the phone any more. You are doing very well. I also like the visual!