Mariah12

Hi everyone… I’m new here… I have been reading other peoples posts and finally gotten up the courage to post my own… I feel kind of strange doing this but here goes…

So… I’m 99.9% sure that I’m an alcoholic. Actually, I’m totally sure but for some reason I’m still holding on to the .01% chance that I’m not. I keep trying to justify and rationalize to myself why I don’t have a problem… for example... b/c it could be worse! I don’t drink every day anymore! I haven’t been in legal trouble! Etc etc etc the list goes on… compounding my own denial is that no one in my life seems to think I have a problem but me, but maybe that’s because I hide it so well or the fact that they are all alcoholics too.

I started drinking and smoking weed when I was 16 or 17 years old, weed being my first and foremost drug of choice. I never really drank normally, it was always out of control and if I wasn’t passed out I was often the “last man standing.” I got to the point where pretty much all I did was smoke weed for about 8 years… every single day. I never ran out. The idea of not having any weed was so anxiety provoking for me. I did this and easily managed to have a job and keep a high GPA in college. I still drank every now and then, and when I did it was usually excessive.

About three years ago I had to stop smoking because of drug testing at my job. With the end of smoking came a noticeable increase in drinking (cross addiction at its finest). I don’t even really know where to start… it increased over time, as it always does… Over time I progressed from drinking beer to drinking hard liquor b/c beer is just a waste of time and calories, doesn’t get the job done fast enough. Vodka has become my poison of choice… and I don’t have standards… I drink what’s cheap b/c my slogan is who drinks for taste? I drink with a purpose… I don’t even mix my drinks half the time anymore… I just drink it straight outta the bottle… And drinking alone? I have absolutely no problem with that… I will drink basically wherever and whenever… no reason needed. And once I have one drink it is basically over, for me to stop and not go on to drink until I’m drunk or passed out is very very very very hard for me. All I know is that about a year and a half ago I drank every day… I would forgo eating so that I could drink at night and not feel so bad… I would buy a bottle and put a good dent in it while I drove home… black out, pass out, puke, hungover, saying stupid sh*t, embarrassing myself, etc… the list goes on… I really truly cannot believe that I never got in any real trouble (i.e. DUI). There are many days that I am already dying to drink at 8 in the morning and I just got to work… I spend all day in an inner battle between justifying why it is ok for me to buy a bottle on the way home and why I shouldn’t…

So over the past 8 months I have been thinking more and more that I might have a problem… I did stop drinking every day but that is only because I have another addiction known as the gym… and drinking is totally not conducive to working out… so I scaled the frequency back, but went on frequent benders that left me feeling horrible about myself… so I figured maybe I should totally quit… because it’s so much effort to try and control it, and it just doesn’t really work for me… so I have tried to quit multiple times… the longest I made it was 60 days (I think that was the longest 60 days of my life)… and I drank my a$$ off on the 60 day mark… no particular reason, just felt like it… and since then (that was about 2.5 months ago) I haven’t been able to make it more than a week sober… and when I do drink it’s the same as always…. Drink until I black out or “fall asleep” (really passing out) or puking… no change… and every morning after I wake up feeling like hell and hating myself for failing… I don’t claim to drink because I’m stressed, depressed, anxious etc… I just like to get ****** up. Period end of story.

I’m so tired of the battle in my head that goes on constantly… I actually sat the other night and wasted mental effort trying to plan out how I could get drunk every night and get away with it… who does that?????? I guess I do. So like I said, I know I have a problem… it just makes it hard for me b/c I’m the only one who seems to think I have a problem… and this is making me think that I am crazy…

So now I’m back at 2 days sober… and hoping like hell that I’m done this time for sure… b/c even though it’s such an overwhelming thought to never drink again… I am really sick and tired of this never ending struggle

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR Mariah12

Ah, the crazy making. I know it well. The best thing to do is just concentrate on your problem with alcohol and don't worry about what other people think about it. And try not to compare yourself to other alcoholics and think you're not as bad therefore you must be okay. It will drive you crazy. I swear that is what kept me drinking all those years too. But the problem is there will always be someone worse than you. It just depends how far down you intend to go.

It is probably worth looking into some recovery material like AVRT (Rational Recovery) or AA's Big Book to help see what will help you stay stopped.

Glad you're here x

wheresthefun

Depends, define nutz?

Seriously, you may be shocked to know how "normal" your story is... to us.

Dee74

Hi Mariah

Your story seems a bit like looking in the mirror to me (if you were male and probably twice your age LOL)

You'll fit in here just fine
Welcome!

D

tehmazzyland

lmao. Yes. Just as Dee said. Your story is very familiar to me also.

michelleb1

Hi Mariah,

I can relate to your experience. I've thought for a while that I had a problem, actually I remember asking my husband about 2 years ago if he thought that I did, so I've known for a while but haven't been able to come to terms with it.

I go to the gym 5 days a week too. I do my head in every day. I drink wine in the evening to cope with my stress and then train my ass off the next morning and beat myself up about all the empty calories and then go and do it again the following day.

I've cut down in the past to weekend drinking only but it ends up creeping back in. It always does. And sometimes it's not how much you drink but the control it has over you that tells you you have a problem.

I'm on day 6 now. Do you know how good it is to turn up in the gym proud that I'm not working off unnecessary calories anymore! I feel less stressed too because I'm not trying to control something that is controlling me.

All the best. Join up with the December club if you haven't already. Keep reading and posting, it really does help!

freshstart57

Putting a dent in the new bottle of vodka on the way home? Yep, I kept a drinking straw in the glove box for that same reason.
We all know that battle so very well, waged in our own backyards every day. That's the nature of addiction right there, we continue to drink and use when we know that it is harming us and we should stop - part of us wants the buzz and part of us knows it won't be worth it in the end.

There is some good news, and that is we can stop. AVRT was mentioned above, along with AA. Everyone knows about the path to spiritual enlightenment through surrender to a greater power, through self examination and confession, prayer, and service to others that is AA and its 12 Steps.

You may know less about AVRT - it stresses that you can quit drinking, it is within your power, you just need to learn how. It specifically looks at that battle you described and provides a way to win that battle by taking power back from your addiction, leaving it helpless in the dirt.

AVRT worked for me and the legions of self recovered and you can find out more about it by looking for Rational Recovery on the internet. It actually made sense to me, and it might be what you are looking for too.

Anna

I'm glad that you decided to post and that you 'know' you are an alcoholic. I totally agree with the stress involved in trying to plan and moderate. I worked at moderating for months and it was exhausting. Stopping was actually a relief.

One thing I would ask you is this - When you stopped drinking for 60 days, what other changes did you make in your life? I ask this because stopping drinking is the first step. Recovery involves looking inward and figuring out what emotions you were drowning with your drinking. I had to take a really hard look at myself and my life and face who I really was.

Mariah12

I didn't really make any changes... at the beginning of that 60 days I had drank so much and made myself so sick that I had basically traumatized myself... so that's what started it... and then after the first couple days of quitting I already wanted to drink again but white knuckled it for 60 days total...

Mariah12

Thanks so much for the feedback everybody... It's good to know that I'm not the only one and for someone to actually, finally, for once understand where I'm coming from... I really appreciate it

terribob

Yeah...this is my story lite (only because I likely have years on you). Stick around and read. You are home here.

Tres

Welcome Mariah! I completely understand every word of your story. You will feel at home here. I have stayed sober for ovr 12 months with this site and AA. I white knuckled 44 days once in over 30 years of drinking. It didn't work, but this is.

stairs

Hi Mariah, welcome to SR! You are in the right place. I totally relate to your story too.

FeelingGreat

Hey Mariah, you know you have a problem, and that's all that counts. I'm excited for you because once you get past the cravings/habit parts of leaving alcohol behind you have some fantastic times ahead. Your morale will be boosted, and you will have the best mornings in the world! Go for it.

Minimus

What a fine, rigorously honest description of what it feels like to be an alcoholic! Like many others who have posted, I can relate to just about all of it, except for one thing: I was most definitely NOT the only one who thought I had a problem. I was instead the only one who thought I did not have a problem - or that it was not as bad as others thought. If you are hanging out with people who tell you that you don't have a serious alcohol problem, maybe you should consider changing playmates. Of course, that is sometimes easier said than done, e.g. when they are family members or other important relationships.

Regarding the awful, overwhelming, unbearable thought of never, ever being able to drink again...I remember it well. For me, it raised questions about the meaning of life itself. Is the non-drinking life even worth living? How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable seemed all the uses of a sober life. I once heard a recovering alcoholic say that before he got sober, he thought sobriety -the rest of his life- would be like waking up on a day the liquor stores were closed and finding he was out of booze. It is anticipatory grief over the loss of something one cannot bear to part with.

This, of course, is not a normal way to think. But it is the way many alcoholics think, a manifestation of the craving and obsession with alcohol that is part of condition called alcoholism. Lucky for those of us afflicted, it usually doesn't last long - if we don't feed the craving by drinking.

This probably won't help much, if at all - it took me years of sobriety to understand it - but just in case, here goes: you don't have to not drink for the rest of your life! You don't even have to not drink tomorrow. All you have to do is not drink today. Just today. This is the basis of the one day at a time slogan. It was much too complicated for me to comprehend in the beginning, when I needed it most. I thought it was superficial, condescending, even insulting. Only much later did it begin to occur to me that not only do I not have to not drink tomorrow, it is impossible not to do so. In fact, it is impossible for me to do or or not do anything tomorrow. Why? Because it is always today. It is never tomorrow. The ONLY time I will EVER be able to do or not do ANYTHING is today. I can and must PLAN for tomorrow and thereafter - but planning is not the same thing as doing. Really, if I stop and think about it, tomorrow is nothing bit a figment of my imagination. There is no guarantee I or anyone else will even have a tomorrow.

Your capacity to be honest with yourself and others is a very good sign. Getting and staying sober will still be hard and may include some slips, but honesty such as yours strongly suggests a happy ending.

Lyoness

Minimus, your whole post is great but I wanted to respond to this part especially because I know this crazy way of thinking. I'm recovering from oxy addiction and really becoming aware of all the lies my addictive thinking told me.

I was serious in my addiction, snorting and injecting, and all I could imagine was a life of using. That was the only vision of "happiness" that I had. I was also feeling so disconnected from living (a lifelong issue even before addiction) that I even wondered if it would be so bad if I died from drug use.

I've never done heroin but was on the path to it. I had a sense of getting lost in heroin--ironically not taking into account that I was already lost in oxy. And thought maybe just getting fully lost and dying in it wasn't such a bad thing. My only real option.

Now that I am in recovery I am realizing what an utterly sad, distorted, intensely addictive way of thinking that was! Depression plus intense addiction equals death. I am so deeply grateful to be waking up, healing, getting my head and my thinking clear. And sane.

I encourage anyone struggling with addiction, keep at it. Stay here and keep reading and posting. It will get better, keep at it, it will get better.

Delilah1

Welcome Mariah,

My story is similar to yours as well. I definitely have a type A personality and like to put 110% into everything I do, and drinking was one of those things for years. I would taper or stop for s few days before races when I was doing marathons (most people considered tapering cutting back miles,Maine was two fold).

I decided to stop for good a little over two months ago and it has made exercise more enjoyable, it has also ensured that I am more present with my kids. I spent so much time thinking about drinking, not drinking, cutting back, waking up disappointed it was exhausting!!!

I know that moderation will not work for me, and believe me I tried!! You will find lots of support here on SR. Read and post lots.

GWH

Mariah...

Im on day 10 now (going on 11 in about 15 minutes) and I can relate to you.

I played so many freaking games with myself to justify the drunk whirlpool I dove into every second night of the week...oh man. "It makes everything else more fun" I would say (I was lying to myself). Im just a GUY. Drinking is what we do (lying).

I would say things like "No one thinks I have a problem" (because they didn't) "so I must not"...but I KNEW. Deep down I knew. I would have spans of anxiety and deep frustration and my family just thought I was being neurotic or stressing out over other things. It made me nuts. I would decide that they were right and then I would binge for a few nights and then spin out of control with worry that I had finally had the binge that did irreparable harm to my liver.

I just posted earlier today about how I told my dad yesterday that I was quitting drinking for good, finally. He is an ex addict, and so he was good about it, but he was surprised that it was "that bad."

My point is not to make this about me or my story. My point is, there is no set point of critical mass that tips us over into the realm of alcoholism. It isnt really quantifiable by outsiders. It is US. WE know when it is enough.

Moderation will NOT work for me, either...so I feel your pain there. A couple of years ago I stopped drinking for months and hit the gym constantly. I felt great and looked great...but...I started having a 6 pack a week. Then it was every few days. Then it was 8 beers. Then 9 every two days. You know what Im talking about.

I always think of that line in the first Matrix movie...when Neo first meets Trinity and he wants to be let out of the car, to go back to his old life. She stops him and says "Look! Look down there. You have been down that road before. You know exactly where it goes."

You can pick a different path. Its a rough path, to be sure, but it is worth it in the end. Just hang a left. Or a right.

Mariah12

I know EXACTLY what you are talking aobut... sounds exactly like me... thank you for sharing =)

Mariah12

Thank you so much for sharing your insight... I need to train my brain to think about today and not tomorrow or 3 months down the road or this situation or that b/c that's how I have been thinking about it... and this is probably the most honest I've ever been... interesting that it is with people who i don't know... thank you =)