Just need a reminder please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Just need a reminder please
I am looking for as many reasons as possible to never go back or even flirt with the idea of ever going back. As I am preparing to go home again in a week after another 6 months overseas, I just need a good honest push from my friends here at SR. And please don't be nice. I want it real. I know I already know. Just want to hear it all again so that if and when I run into him or he tries to reach me that I can have this list with me at all times.
Hope this helps everyone!
I will start...
#1- Because he has already stolen 3 good years of my life
Hope this helps everyone!
I will start...
#1- Because he has already stolen 3 good years of my life
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
B&B.....
I think that the best and most thorough list is the one that you make yourself. If the reasons that other people thought you should stay away from him worked you wouldn't be worried about needing this now. I bet that the people that love and care about you have given you a number of reasons through the years (I know that I got a lot of them) and none of them made a difference until I made them, owned them, accepted them.
I found that the reasons why I needed to stay away weren't as helpful as having a plan for when I heard from "him". The plan included not responding to him without first talking it through with people in recovery. You might even say "I won't respond to him until I post about whether to respond or not on SR and wait for 10 people to respond". I had to put him to spam, block him on facebook, and block him on my phone. That was the best way for me to avoid hearing from him.
IMO, if you are still making that list of why to stay away you might need to place some more barriers between the two of you. Get a game plan for how you will handle the inevitable running into him or contact from him. All of the reasons in the world to stay away won't help you nearly as much as a list of ways to avoid him if you have truly made your mind up about this.
I think that the best and most thorough list is the one that you make yourself. If the reasons that other people thought you should stay away from him worked you wouldn't be worried about needing this now. I bet that the people that love and care about you have given you a number of reasons through the years (I know that I got a lot of them) and none of them made a difference until I made them, owned them, accepted them.
I found that the reasons why I needed to stay away weren't as helpful as having a plan for when I heard from "him". The plan included not responding to him without first talking it through with people in recovery. You might even say "I won't respond to him until I post about whether to respond or not on SR and wait for 10 people to respond". I had to put him to spam, block him on facebook, and block him on my phone. That was the best way for me to avoid hearing from him.
IMO, if you are still making that list of why to stay away you might need to place some more barriers between the two of you. Get a game plan for how you will handle the inevitable running into him or contact from him. All of the reasons in the world to stay away won't help you nearly as much as a list of ways to avoid him if you have truly made your mind up about this.
NAIOU
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Last house on the block.
Posts: 359
blackandblue here it is raw. Hang out with dogs and you are going to get fleas. Keep doing what you have always done and you will get what you have always gotten(pain and misery). You are hanging out in the right place here at SR. Good luck on your journey. Love and Respect. Logo
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
blackandblue, I also dated a heroin addict for 3 years so I could relate to your experiences. I think it might help to go back and read your very first post on SR and people's responses to you. Black and blue you definitely were. I'm sure the distance and time away from him has helped you become healthier both emotionally and physically. Healing is a process so dont pick at your scabs even if it may itch. Keep it up and dont go back. Chaos is no way to live and chaos comes with every addict.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Do you remember the old saying here....Let go or be dragged?? Do you really want to be dragged to hell again??
Maybe you could get a therapist when you get back, just to keep you strong and accountable to yourself. You deserve better and deep down you know it.
P.S. Hope you are doing well and have a safe trip home!!
Maybe you could get a therapist when you get back, just to keep you strong and accountable to yourself. You deserve better and deep down you know it.
P.S. Hope you are doing well and have a safe trip home!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 30
I just read your post that was bumped up. It actually is helping me with a hard decision i just made a few months. I broke up with my EXABF. But with me, I didn't know he was using the whole time we were together (a little over a year and a half). Found out bc he got arrested, so he had to tell me. He told me he was addicted to pain meds-snorted them then went to injected. Did heroin and coke. He even sold. I had no clue. I'm 30 as well, this was the love of my life...had all those qualities that you stated in your post about your guy. Looking back he lied sooo much to me, and everything makes sense now. all the behavior, the moods etc. I always thought and believed it was bc of his SA. at least i was led to believe it was.
Well, my point is I have felt so guilty for leaving him, He is in recovery now doing the 'right' things, But reading your recent post and so many on SR, I have come to realize that these addicts will never keep as us number one in the relationship. We can't be. Either its the drugs or its recovery.
IMO I don't even think you should even give him a year. Why? Why should you live your life for him. What about what you need in a relationship? These addicts that were or are in our lives, aren't horrible human beings, we did/do Love them for a reason. BUT it doesn't mean that we have to sacrifice our lives, We only get one and there are plenty of healthy ppl out that will truly respect us and be our rock and put us as their #1 ALWAYS. You deserve that.
I cried a lot yesterday for my ex. again, the guilt. what if he is unlike others and truly will battles this addiction. but then I tell myself, do I want to spend my life worrying and always questioning him? I ask you the same question. The things that led him to addiction will always be there. Therapy and Rehab will help, but only so much. The addicts must apply these tools to their lives each and every day.....just takes a moment for them to go back.
Think about what its been like and what YOU WANT in a relationship. None of us can decide for you. But I think you are a strong person and you deserve to be happy. I wish you the best.
Well, my point is I have felt so guilty for leaving him, He is in recovery now doing the 'right' things, But reading your recent post and so many on SR, I have come to realize that these addicts will never keep as us number one in the relationship. We can't be. Either its the drugs or its recovery.
IMO I don't even think you should even give him a year. Why? Why should you live your life for him. What about what you need in a relationship? These addicts that were or are in our lives, aren't horrible human beings, we did/do Love them for a reason. BUT it doesn't mean that we have to sacrifice our lives, We only get one and there are plenty of healthy ppl out that will truly respect us and be our rock and put us as their #1 ALWAYS. You deserve that.
I cried a lot yesterday for my ex. again, the guilt. what if he is unlike others and truly will battles this addiction. but then I tell myself, do I want to spend my life worrying and always questioning him? I ask you the same question. The things that led him to addiction will always be there. Therapy and Rehab will help, but only so much. The addicts must apply these tools to their lives each and every day.....just takes a moment for them to go back.
Think about what its been like and what YOU WANT in a relationship. None of us can decide for you. But I think you are a strong person and you deserve to be happy. I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
these days I remind myself this a lot: "No relationships will come at the expense of my happiness" Yes, not even in the name of love.
If you follow that rule of thumb, surely you will save yourself a lot of heartaches and stress.
If you follow that rule of thumb, surely you will save yourself a lot of heartaches and stress.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I just went and reread the thread that got bumped. I'd say that printing that out should be all that you need to remind you. Hearing your own words, your own pain, your own awareness is clearer than any words that you will hear from anyone else.
It really helped me to realize that my ex is my drug....I was abused emotionally, verbally, and he strayed into the physical abuse end as well. And yet....there is/was this crazy pull that I have felt to him. I've been away from him now for 19 months so I know the feelings well that you are having. The longer I go the more I recognize how addicted I was to him and the trauma. It was chaos that kept me from healing and focusing on my own life.
I read a really good book at one point called The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes. I think it will shed a lot on what you are feeling.
Stay strong.....figure out your escape plan, figure out your no contact plan. Remember, even limited contact with him is like an addict thinking that they can use heroin "just once" again and not "go back".
It really helped me to realize that my ex is my drug....I was abused emotionally, verbally, and he strayed into the physical abuse end as well. And yet....there is/was this crazy pull that I have felt to him. I've been away from him now for 19 months so I know the feelings well that you are having. The longer I go the more I recognize how addicted I was to him and the trauma. It was chaos that kept me from healing and focusing on my own life.
I read a really good book at one point called The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes. I think it will shed a lot on what you are feeling.
Stay strong.....figure out your escape plan, figure out your no contact plan. Remember, even limited contact with him is like an addict thinking that they can use heroin "just once" again and not "go back".
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
You want it tough,huh? I'm not known for "tough" but here goes......
Go ahead and go back to him. Keep on doing the same thing over and over again to try to prove that doing the same thing over and over again is NOT the definition of insanity. Open your heart again to someone who has shredded it before and hope they don't do it again.
I remember telling my brother (who is wonderful therapist) about my trials and tribulations with someone I loved who was tearing my life apart (from my perspective). He listened patiently and when I was done with my tale of woe, he simply said "Sis, go find some homeless stranger downtown, hand him a brick, and let him smash you in the head with it." I said "Well that would be stupid....why would I want to do that?" He gently replied "Because it would be less painful".
I thought about it for a while (still thinking that he was a pretty crappy therapist) and it finally dawned on me. I was handing my "emotional brick" over to someone I didn't trust and I was allowing them to bash me in the head with it.....over and over and over again. I don't hand my emotional brick over to ANYONE I don't trust with it.
Hold on to your emotional brick.
gentle hugs
ke
Go ahead and go back to him. Keep on doing the same thing over and over again to try to prove that doing the same thing over and over again is NOT the definition of insanity. Open your heart again to someone who has shredded it before and hope they don't do it again.
I remember telling my brother (who is wonderful therapist) about my trials and tribulations with someone I loved who was tearing my life apart (from my perspective). He listened patiently and when I was done with my tale of woe, he simply said "Sis, go find some homeless stranger downtown, hand him a brick, and let him smash you in the head with it." I said "Well that would be stupid....why would I want to do that?" He gently replied "Because it would be less painful".
I thought about it for a while (still thinking that he was a pretty crappy therapist) and it finally dawned on me. I was handing my "emotional brick" over to someone I didn't trust and I was allowing them to bash me in the head with it.....over and over and over again. I don't hand my emotional brick over to ANYONE I don't trust with it.
Hold on to your emotional brick.
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Thank you
Interrupted- Thanks for bumping my post and for everyone else who responded. I re-read all of my posts and from it (and with your help) I am creating my own list. As I am just a few days now from coming home, I was feeling apprehensive. I think it is possible that I am imagining it will be difficult before anything has happened.
In reality it is just that I have actually moved on and have not let go of the fantasy of something that never existed. I think if I look at it deeply, that I actually do not want to be with him. He never really was who I thought. I was never who I thought. I was attached to the pain and chaos. Crisis has been familiar throughout my life and I can honestly say that I am not living like that now and don't want to repeat this in the future.
Could it be that all of this anxiety is just about getting used to this new me without him as even a part of my daily thought processes anymore. It's just letting go of the story now. The one about the guy who came into my life to show me what I needed to see in myself. This is the kind of clarity I wished for him. I can say now that I have lost faith in him. I have zero trust. And I am not in love with him anymore. I do care about him and know that all that is left is physical attraction and fading memories. Sad but true.
So my own list for never getting back together with my ex for which I gave 3 good years to make peace with this reality...
Active drug addiction
Mental/Emotional/Verbal Abuse
Lying about very serious matters
Cheating and lying about it
Abandonment
Lack of Intimacy
Cruelty/Mean-spirited nature
Constant criticism
No stability- career, life, or future
Emotionally unavailable to commit to anything
Oh really this list could be summarized as 2 things- abuse and addiction
Sure there are positives and I have listed those before but I cannot focus not that right now. I need to remember the bad and the ugly right now so I can let the idea of him go for good.
Now I can stop taking his inventory and focus on my own.
Love all you guys...
In reality it is just that I have actually moved on and have not let go of the fantasy of something that never existed. I think if I look at it deeply, that I actually do not want to be with him. He never really was who I thought. I was never who I thought. I was attached to the pain and chaos. Crisis has been familiar throughout my life and I can honestly say that I am not living like that now and don't want to repeat this in the future.
Could it be that all of this anxiety is just about getting used to this new me without him as even a part of my daily thought processes anymore. It's just letting go of the story now. The one about the guy who came into my life to show me what I needed to see in myself. This is the kind of clarity I wished for him. I can say now that I have lost faith in him. I have zero trust. And I am not in love with him anymore. I do care about him and know that all that is left is physical attraction and fading memories. Sad but true.
So my own list for never getting back together with my ex for which I gave 3 good years to make peace with this reality...
Active drug addiction
Mental/Emotional/Verbal Abuse
Lying about very serious matters
Cheating and lying about it
Abandonment
Lack of Intimacy
Cruelty/Mean-spirited nature
Constant criticism
No stability- career, life, or future
Emotionally unavailable to commit to anything
Oh really this list could be summarized as 2 things- abuse and addiction
Sure there are positives and I have listed those before but I cannot focus not that right now. I need to remember the bad and the ugly right now so I can let the idea of him go for good.
Now I can stop taking his inventory and focus on my own.
Love all you guys...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
This would be easier if he had not moved back to the town where I will be living and working. In all likeliness we will run into each other at some point and I have to face it. That I cannot prevent. Selfishly I want him to leave because I know he came back for me. When he lived far away, I never had to think about seeing him. I want to be prepared if I do see him or if he shows up somewhere. I don't feel threatened by him. And I don't have the desire to be with him in a relationship ever again. This I know now. It is time to move on. I have given this too much time. I think if I see him or he shows up I just walk away. There is no use in saying one word to him except goodbye. It only gives him room to try to find a way back in and he was always good at that. I feel strong. Thank you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Only 2 days away from heading home. It is really great to know my ex is out of my life forever. Even better knowing I can focus on me and my future without him. I hope he find whatever he needs. As for me, I am done with relationships and now I can focus on my career which is what is most important.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Wow. I am leaving tomorrow morning. I am coming home. And for the first time I can honestly say it is my home. Yes home is where the heart is and take it from me my heart has been all over the place the last few years. This homecoming is not just a physical coming home. I am not the same. I have changed. I have grown. Am I scared? Yes most definitely. But one thing I know for sure- Regardless of my ex moving to my hometown (which I believe was manipulative on his part) it is my home. And I will take it back for myself.
Here is what I believe. Had I not come to the conclusion that my ex could no longer be a part of my life, I would have cycled in and out of this for years or maybe for a lifetime with a few good moments. I have been so afraid of the unknown thinking incorrectly all along that he was the unknown. I was betting my life on him. The problem was my thinking. A life with him is not unknown. 3 years of the same cycle proves that. He is predictable. I know how my life would turn out so in a way there is an element of control.
To truly let go. To truly face the unknown. That is where I am headed and I need all of the courage I can get. I can do this and not by anyone else's rules. I am taking my life back and accounting for the things that have brought me to this point in my life. I have feared being alone. I have feared being abandoned. I have feared not having enough. Somehow, even in my darkest hours, I know I am loved. Forgiving yourself is harder than forgiving others. So back to meetings and therapy. This will be hard to do now that he is out of my life which is why I probably need it even more. Some forces in the world are working against us and others are helping us along. I am beginning to see which is which. And I am fighting the good fight. The fight for my life. Happy holidays to all. I'm going home.
Here is what I believe. Had I not come to the conclusion that my ex could no longer be a part of my life, I would have cycled in and out of this for years or maybe for a lifetime with a few good moments. I have been so afraid of the unknown thinking incorrectly all along that he was the unknown. I was betting my life on him. The problem was my thinking. A life with him is not unknown. 3 years of the same cycle proves that. He is predictable. I know how my life would turn out so in a way there is an element of control.
To truly let go. To truly face the unknown. That is where I am headed and I need all of the courage I can get. I can do this and not by anyone else's rules. I am taking my life back and accounting for the things that have brought me to this point in my life. I have feared being alone. I have feared being abandoned. I have feared not having enough. Somehow, even in my darkest hours, I know I am loved. Forgiving yourself is harder than forgiving others. So back to meetings and therapy. This will be hard to do now that he is out of my life which is why I probably need it even more. Some forces in the world are working against us and others are helping us along. I am beginning to see which is which. And I am fighting the good fight. The fight for my life. Happy holidays to all. I'm going home.
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