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Domestic violence and alcohol

Old 12-17-2012, 09:46 AM
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Domestic violence and alcohol

The relationship between alcohol and domestic violence is complicated. But let's get one thing certain from the get go.

Alcohol does not cause domestic violence. The abuser does.

I plan on writing several follow up posts to this one as I wade through the emotions of having been through a painful and traumatic episode that left me in the hospital and my life at a crossroads.

Sharing this is important for me to keep a sense of stability through feedback when I have few sounding boards. I find I lose level many times during the day. Going from its ok to this did not happen to oh my god what do I do?

I grew up in an abusive alcoholic home. I got use to being punched in the stomach while laying in my bed. Being told I am worthless daily. But that was a time when he, the abuser, wanted to control or demean me. It was not a relationship on equal footing. It was an abuse of parental rights.

What happened to me last week is not that kind of abuse. It was something that has been building through a couples continued abuse of drugs and alcohol. Physical contact was new as of only a few months ago.

We had been on a three day drug and drinking binge. I first think that this is starting to justify the event. No. No it's not. I have had month binges where violence never occurred. But my mind still blames me. My heart does not.

That's a powerful struggle. Blame. Who, why, how come it came to this?

Can he take it back?

No. It cannot be undone. I must now move through it. And the thing that strikes me most, of all the wild emotions, is I don't want to.

I don't want it to be taken back.

Nothing in my life has put an exclamation point on our addictions like this has. Nothing has stopped me in my tracks. Not crack Christmases. Not getting drunk and doing shameful things. None of the sexual escapades. Not the three attempts at rehab. Nothing has said stop.

Until last Sunday.

This is not a transient relationship. It's long established, almost 19 years and always focused on what's next. Only what's next the last ten years changed into how much is next.

Our personal choices blended into one huge addiction. Nothing is discernable from the other. Even up to the event I swore I was recovering. But no one in recovery is bingeing on coke and voldka like we were.

I will be honest. I want the love of my life back. I want our warm times and laughs back. I want to feel safe again. I want to forget this happened.

People here say they learned to live life on life's terms. I heard it. I say oh yeah... I know what they mean. Well.... Life on life's terms means I can have all the wants in the world. I have to accept I don't get the wants. I get what is.

We have had many emotional drawn out talks but each time I put an end to the what will happen to us questions and declarations. This is way way past the us mark. This has to be the me mark and only the me mark.

I stop them because I will not lose focus. My mind has become keenly aware of only one thing. How do do I fix myself?

I saw all along the depth of my addictions. But I never really....in my heart of hearts... Thought anything was "wrong" with me. But oh man.... There is.

Night and day. My whole system has been shocked by this. Like I flatlined and had one of those godly experiences.

I don't know what the steps after next are. I only know today and maybe part of tomorrow. I will waste nothing on anything more than that. I cannot afford the energy.

This much I know. Alcohol will lead me to terrible things if I don't see it for what it is.

I have not until this point been respectful enough of its power.

Abuse of any kind is unacceptable. Even when drunk and high.

The thought of drinking terrifies me.
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:16 AM
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That was an excellent post. It shows with brutal honesty and clarity how the spiral of drinking and drugging can drag us downwards, it shows no mercy.

I can relate to many of your words Ken.

I'm wishing you the very best of luck with all you're going through right now.

You are so right to focus on yourself. I understand how utterly terrifying this must feel, but you must always keep yourself safe xxx
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:38 AM
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I'm so sorry to read of your pain as a child. and sorry to read that "physical contact was new as of only a few months ago". I don't want to misconstrue, but if he hit you before this???

I agree, put yourself first.
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:42 AM
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The last time was when he swung and I blocked and broke a fingure. I wrote it off. But this added to that clarifies things for me.
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:47 AM
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Heavy thoughts. Here comes the clarity of the situation. I can relate to you. I grew up in an abusive home. Drinking made the trauma of it go away and then drinking became it's own trauma.
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:48 AM
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A deal breaker for me.
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:51 AM
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I'm sorry to hear of everything you've been through Ken. It is absolutely right that you just concentrate on yourself right now. What happens with your relationship is something which isn't the most important thing right now. Your sobriety is. I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic partner once, it wasn't fun, and you're right, there isn't any excuse, no matter how much you try to justify it at the time.

Look after yourself x *Hugs* x
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:57 AM
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With any relationship, once that line has been crossed, it is too easy to cross it again.

Abuse is like alcoholism; it's progressive.

Sometimes things aren't meant to last, including long term relationships. Next time, you may not survive. Love is not abuse.

Please go to the abused person's program in your area and become educated. Please seek counseling for your childhood abuse. Learn how to love you first and to love yourself well. No one deserves abuse in any manner. I know. I've been where you are.

I wish you well in whatever you choose.

With love and hugs and empathy,
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Pondlady View Post
A deal breaker for me.
yes, ditto.

drunk + physical violence = too many bad circumstances...
for some reason I keep thinking of the drunken LaCrosse player who repeatedly bashed his gf's head into a wall and killed her by blunt force trauma.

keep yourself at the top, safe.
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Old 12-17-2012, 11:05 AM
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What Pondlady said.
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Old 12-17-2012, 11:18 AM
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A deal braker is not in dispute. How to handle the varying emotions. How to see through the issue and what to do next. How will o overcome the hurt of it all. These are the things this post is about.
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Old 12-17-2012, 11:48 AM
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stay stopped and then work a method of staying stopped and get counseling

it will all fall into place.
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Old 12-17-2012, 12:07 PM
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I think what i generaly do is do those things i can do, focus on the moment, get through the daily struggle .
Deal with what i can deal with and hand the rest over to god or a higher power, fate, those things in life greater than myself to deal with the other stuff. This dosn't mean i'm passive infact i'm quite tenacious .

I can sit here and give you 100's of reasons why i deserve a drink, drugs, how life is painfull and how hard it all is for me .
I suck it all up , I deal with it or I offer it up and then I move on.

One of the things i really don't like about my experience with drink and drugs is how when i abused them my whole life got constipated , in a hole digging it deeper .

Just got to keep doing the next right thing , make the decision and move on . Feeling emotionaly out of sorts is perfectly acceptable, it won't be forever, all things will pass .

Bestwishes, M
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Old 12-17-2012, 12:14 PM
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This is a topic that I think many deal with in silence... Fear.

It's not straight forward as hit / leave. It is as an end result but the way we get there is not so easy. We need to reconcile many other aspects of life other than drinking. Issues related to drinking expand to cover previously safe areas of life... If there are ever any.

I can "suck up" anything. But that does not dissipate what need to. Without addressing this head on... In the right measure... With the proper support.... Can make this linger and fester.

I have had enough of that. Period.
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Old 12-17-2012, 12:24 PM
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Red face

Originally Posted by sugarbear1 View Post
Abuse is like alcoholism; it's progressive.

Sometimes things aren't meant to last, including long term relationships. Next time, you may not survive. Love is not abuse.
This is very true. What started with simple slaps across the face became choking sessions where I really thought I was going to die. And it took me a long time to listen to my brain tell me that if someone wanted to choke me to near death, whether drunk or not, they obviously didn't love me no matter how much I loved them. I can tell from your posts that you are a sweet and thoughtful person and are mature enough to make your own decisions. But, I don't want you to be hurt by the hands of anyone else or even your own. Next time you may not be lucky enough to tell us of your situation as you won't be around to do so.

With that said, I am really happy to read that you are focusing on yourself and not anyone else right now. I am rooting for you.
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Old 12-17-2012, 12:25 PM
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Sounds like my wife and me. We are sober fifty days now.

No coke, but the pot and booze was really bad. The fights and violence DID stop when we quit.

There is a practical aspect -- how do you afford the coke? What's up with your job(s)? We are both unemployed, and the using was going to make us lose our home.

We are BOTH going to NA and AA meetings, almost every day. It is good to share meetings with my partner because there is a lot of drama and dogma, but we both have been to rehab and local meetings are the necessary follow-up.

Don't hesitate to call for help. Domestic violence counselors are very accustomed to substance abuse problems. Find SOMEONE to talk to.
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Old 12-17-2012, 12:59 PM
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"We only accept the love we think we deserve"

As another who has lived with domestic violence, I can tell you a few things that i've learned:

-this person helped shape my view of what I believed I deserved, how I deserved to be treated. I know now that it was extremely erroneous.

-it had a ripple effect on how I performed in every aspect of my life. I describe one of the "ism" parts of alcoholism quite frequently as social phobia and feeling "not quite right", but let me tell you, the jump from a high-achieving student with ambition to one that locked herself in toilet cubicles to avoid walking to the train station for fear of having a panic attack or being judged (after uni classes) went deeper than feeling like a square peg trying to get through a round hole. I wasn't drinking "alcoholically" at this stage-far, far from it.

-this relationship also helped set the tone (mentally) for more toxic relationships.

In hindsight, this seemed terribly sneaky-it was always verbal and emotional & I don't like to think about where it was headed. It has been mentioned above that It's progressive. I agree 100%.

There are resources out there, Ken-I started DV counselling about 2 months ago and it has been instrumental in teaching me how to set *healthy* boundaries and gain a neutral person's perspective about the #1 resentment that had been "on loop" for about 8 years.
My radar is a bit more finely tuned to see this kind of **** coming and identify it for exactly what it is.

I wish you the best

Xx
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Old 12-17-2012, 01:11 PM
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Quinne said a lot of the things I was about to say....particularly about the way others can shape our reality.

I was also a victim of spousal abuse, many years ago - I took the blame...after all I loved this person, so it must be me at fault, right?...

I made excuses...well I do drink a bit, I smoke a ton of weed, I am very stubborn and she does have her own behavioural issues...

but in the end I believe there's no excuse for violence.

Domestic abuse is about fear and frustration and above all power - our relationship was ending and we both knew it...

but it's nothing about love, Ken, nothing at all.

I hope you will check out some DV stuff.

D
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Old 12-17-2012, 01:22 PM
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I agree Ken, domestic violence has absolutely nothing to do with love.

The first time you broke your finger, this time much more serious and physically painful injuries. What will happen next time?

You will get through this and survive and thrive.
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Old 12-17-2012, 01:24 PM
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Weasel - Few posts ago you mentioned you punched a cop in the face and made light of it - Violence on any level is wrong...period
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