NEW to this and need HELP!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Beckley wv
Posts: 26
NEW to this and need HELP!
Ok, just the facts.
My wife is an addict. We were married in August. We had lived together for a year before we were married. I knew she had a drug problem, but she had agreed to take counseling one day a week last summer and for a while, that seemed to do the trick. But she just changed tactics.
I HAD NO IDEA WHAT AN ADDICT REALLY WAS.
Of course we went through all of the normal cycles. She would use, I would lecture and threaten to leave her, she would make a bunch of promises she couldn't keep, I would forgive her, repeat, repeat, repeat.
Then one day I felt like I'd had enough. I told her it was either rehab or divorce. However a friend of mine (who's brother is a recovering addict) suggested NA meetings instead. I attended the first one with her and walked away somewhat optimistic. That was late October.
She has "messed up" twice since then. Right now she has about 10 days clean, but she has become close to her sponsor,(a TOUGH older lady) and another girl that has about a year. Lean. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Her addiction is to crack and cocaine. So, what am I in for? What can I expect from here on out?
My wife is an addict. We were married in August. We had lived together for a year before we were married. I knew she had a drug problem, but she had agreed to take counseling one day a week last summer and for a while, that seemed to do the trick. But she just changed tactics.
I HAD NO IDEA WHAT AN ADDICT REALLY WAS.
Of course we went through all of the normal cycles. She would use, I would lecture and threaten to leave her, she would make a bunch of promises she couldn't keep, I would forgive her, repeat, repeat, repeat.
Then one day I felt like I'd had enough. I told her it was either rehab or divorce. However a friend of mine (who's brother is a recovering addict) suggested NA meetings instead. I attended the first one with her and walked away somewhat optimistic. That was late October.
She has "messed up" twice since then. Right now she has about 10 days clean, but she has become close to her sponsor,(a TOUGH older lady) and another girl that has about a year. Lean. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Her addiction is to crack and cocaine. So, what am I in for? What can I expect from here on out?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Beckley wv
Posts: 26
Well, I suppose some more info is in order. When we first started dating, there was this older lady that my girlfriend would hang out with. She would tell me a bunch of lies (like, "I'm at my dads house, I'll be home at 6:30pm.) then I would start calling around 8 to see where she was, and she would not answer my calls or return any of my texts. She would stay gone ALL night long, then would start texting me at around 5 or 6 in the morning. Over time, she admitted her addiction to me.
This only happened once or twice a month. I thought she could control it and that she wasn't addicted because it "only" happened that way. The more I read and learn, the more I realize that is not so. She knows now she is an addict. So do I. Be ause of this cycle of lying, ignoring my calls, stealing money from me, and being irresponsible, I have ZERO trust in her. She can't keep a job. I won't trust her with money. If she says she needs gas in her car, I take the car and put gas in it. If she needs something from the store, I go out and get it.
My 5 year-old son loves her. He calls her "mommy", and his biological "mother" is COMPLETELY out of the picture . Things have been tough. I drive a school bus and work as a server at a local Olive Garden just to make ends meet. I am getting wore out.
One of the BIG doubts in my mind is her faithfulness in our relationship. There is a certain image that goes through my mind when I hear "crackhead", and I hope she has been faithful, but can't prove it. The fact is, all of the nights she has been gone, I don't know WHO she was with, WHERE she was at, or WHAT she was doing . I just don't know. The only persons word I have is from the same girl that has told me a thousand lies . I'm scared. This is a beautiful girl from an upper class family. It clashes SO much with the addiction she has. A REAL contradiction. I'm lost, folks. And I don't know what to do
This only happened once or twice a month. I thought she could control it and that she wasn't addicted because it "only" happened that way. The more I read and learn, the more I realize that is not so. She knows now she is an addict. So do I. Be ause of this cycle of lying, ignoring my calls, stealing money from me, and being irresponsible, I have ZERO trust in her. She can't keep a job. I won't trust her with money. If she says she needs gas in her car, I take the car and put gas in it. If she needs something from the store, I go out and get it.
My 5 year-old son loves her. He calls her "mommy", and his biological "mother" is COMPLETELY out of the picture . Things have been tough. I drive a school bus and work as a server at a local Olive Garden just to make ends meet. I am getting wore out.
One of the BIG doubts in my mind is her faithfulness in our relationship. There is a certain image that goes through my mind when I hear "crackhead", and I hope she has been faithful, but can't prove it. The fact is, all of the nights she has been gone, I don't know WHO she was with, WHERE she was at, or WHAT she was doing . I just don't know. The only persons word I have is from the same girl that has told me a thousand lies . I'm scared. This is a beautiful girl from an upper class family. It clashes SO much with the addiction she has. A REAL contradiction. I'm lost, folks. And I don't know what to do
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Too bad you got married with all the baggage you are now carrying around with you--with a wife who is an addict on top of the list. The dating period is the time to decide whether or not you are good for each other as partners in marriage. Did you think marriage would change all that was wrong with her--that you would change her? That she would put you before her addiction? Time to wise up about addiction. The addiction will always be first and foremost of importance to your wife--before you or anything else in her life.
Now that you are married, it's time to learn all you can about living with an addict. Learn what it means to be an enabler--what you have done in the past to enable your wife and commit to no longer enable. There are groups for friends and families of addicts (Nar-Anon, Celebrate Recovery, Al-Anon).
Now that you are married, it's time to learn all you can about living with an addict. Learn what it means to be an enabler--what you have done in the past to enable your wife and commit to no longer enable. There are groups for friends and families of addicts (Nar-Anon, Celebrate Recovery, Al-Anon).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Beckley wv
Posts: 26
This is true. I was ignorant to what an addict is (and still am to a point). Like I said, when she started taking those classes, her behavior started to change. No more dissapearing at night. I thought she was ok. I didn't know she was an addict (or even know what that meant).
As far as "enabling" is concerned, I absolutely did, at first. I guess the main thing I did (and still do) is keep a pillow under her butt to keep her from feeling the affects of "rock bottom". Her parents and sister knows about the addiction now, and we only want to do what's best for everyone. (that is, her getting and staying clean). She says thats what she wants and appears to be working HARD to a complish this. I just want what's best for my (our) son. He is precious beyond words. Thank you for any help/advice.
As far as "enabling" is concerned, I absolutely did, at first. I guess the main thing I did (and still do) is keep a pillow under her butt to keep her from feeling the affects of "rock bottom". Her parents and sister knows about the addiction now, and we only want to do what's best for everyone. (that is, her getting and staying clean). She says thats what she wants and appears to be working HARD to a complish this. I just want what's best for my (our) son. He is precious beyond words. Thank you for any help/advice.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
You may hear some rather harsh things here--lots of pain and recovery going on and lots of folks who have walked in your shoes. That said, dig deep on this forum, read the "stickies" at the top--Zoso77's is an awesome first, whether you break up or not. It sounds as if your wife needs inpatient rehab, long term, not the favored 28 days of most addicts. I just read Broken by William Cope Moyers. He had a crack addiction. He is from a privileged family (son of Bill Moyers). You may want to get a copy of this at the library...
As for not understanding addiction, don't beat yourself up too much. My RAD (19) was using heroin for two years and I never knew. Sometimes I still berate and blame myself, but I am learning to work my own recovery and that is where I have found a lot of grace, support and inner strength. I highly recommend NarAnon meetings ASAP, or Alanon if you don't have NarAnon in your vicinity. Go to at least 6 meetings and more than once a week if you can manage it. Some have childcare.
Your son is really the most important person in this situation. Protect him from the madness of her addiction. He may love her now, but he is young and will do much better without the drama of an addict in his life. I am not suggesting you end it with her, just that you be extremely protective of him.
I am sorry for what you are going through. Read, read, read, and ask for support of others here when you need it.
Take care.
As for not understanding addiction, don't beat yourself up too much. My RAD (19) was using heroin for two years and I never knew. Sometimes I still berate and blame myself, but I am learning to work my own recovery and that is where I have found a lot of grace, support and inner strength. I highly recommend NarAnon meetings ASAP, or Alanon if you don't have NarAnon in your vicinity. Go to at least 6 meetings and more than once a week if you can manage it. Some have childcare.
Your son is really the most important person in this situation. Protect him from the madness of her addiction. He may love her now, but he is young and will do much better without the drama of an addict in his life. I am not suggesting you end it with her, just that you be extremely protective of him.
I am sorry for what you are going through. Read, read, read, and ask for support of others here when you need it.
Take care.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Welcome to SR. Although, I am sorry for what brings you here.
There are important stickies for you to read about addiction at the top of the page. Cynical One has a great blog with a lot of information.
As you can see, addiction does not discriminate. I would be very concerned about leaving your 5 yr old with her. The drugs will scream far louder then any child.
Your wife is sick, she needs help that only she can do. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You can not love your wife into getting help, getting clean or working a strong recovery program. Sadly, it just doesn't work that way.
Less then 10% of addicts recover for life. Less then 3% of crack addicts stay clean for life. Although, it is possible but she has to want it and need it more then anything!! Her actions will always speak far louder then her words. Please know that, untreated addiction is a progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, and death.
My thoughts and prayers are with you! Many of us have lived through the nightmare of loving an addict but have sought out help for ourselves (not the addict) in Alanon or Naranon. You, alone, are no match for it. It will take you down right along with her.
Keep reading and keep posting, it does help!
There are important stickies for you to read about addiction at the top of the page. Cynical One has a great blog with a lot of information.
As you can see, addiction does not discriminate. I would be very concerned about leaving your 5 yr old with her. The drugs will scream far louder then any child.
Your wife is sick, she needs help that only she can do. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You can not love your wife into getting help, getting clean or working a strong recovery program. Sadly, it just doesn't work that way.
Less then 10% of addicts recover for life. Less then 3% of crack addicts stay clean for life. Although, it is possible but she has to want it and need it more then anything!! Her actions will always speak far louder then her words. Please know that, untreated addiction is a progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, and death.
My thoughts and prayers are with you! Many of us have lived through the nightmare of loving an addict but have sought out help for ourselves (not the addict) in Alanon or Naranon. You, alone, are no match for it. It will take you down right along with her.
Keep reading and keep posting, it does help!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
shaolin5,
You ask, What can I expect from here on out?
The answer is buckle up, you're in for a hell of a ride.
One of the biggest things we have to deal with when we're involved with an addict is denial. We can see clues regarding the addict, and we ignore those signs. A lot of times we ignore them because we think that if we love them just enough, they'll smarten up and start doing the right thing. But it doesn't work that way. So, in your case, you knew she had a problem with drugs, she's lied to you, she's stolen from you, and you went ahead and married her anyways.
So, the issue you really want to look at is your decisions and why you've made them.
You can't help her. I would cease and desist going to meetings with her. That's not your place, and it only strengthens the codependent bond. You need to look at you, and only you.
It's not my place to tell you what to do regarding your marriage. But what I will tell you is the only way that any marriage will work is if both parties have their act together. If she's serious about recovery (and time will tell on that), she's got a lot of work ahead of her, and she's not going to have a lot to give anyone. Similarly, you've got to examine your own behavior and ideas, and you need to stop being in denial about what it is you're up against.
Some of us here are recovering addcits themselves. Rather than steal their thunder, I hope they voice their opinions in this thread. And when they do, you need to have an open mind, open eyes, and open ears.
Welcome to the Board.
Best,
ZoSo
You ask, What can I expect from here on out?
The answer is buckle up, you're in for a hell of a ride.
One of the biggest things we have to deal with when we're involved with an addict is denial. We can see clues regarding the addict, and we ignore those signs. A lot of times we ignore them because we think that if we love them just enough, they'll smarten up and start doing the right thing. But it doesn't work that way. So, in your case, you knew she had a problem with drugs, she's lied to you, she's stolen from you, and you went ahead and married her anyways.
So, the issue you really want to look at is your decisions and why you've made them.
You can't help her. I would cease and desist going to meetings with her. That's not your place, and it only strengthens the codependent bond. You need to look at you, and only you.
It's not my place to tell you what to do regarding your marriage. But what I will tell you is the only way that any marriage will work is if both parties have their act together. If she's serious about recovery (and time will tell on that), she's got a lot of work ahead of her, and she's not going to have a lot to give anyone. Similarly, you've got to examine your own behavior and ideas, and you need to stop being in denial about what it is you're up against.
Some of us here are recovering addcits themselves. Rather than steal their thunder, I hope they voice their opinions in this thread. And when they do, you need to have an open mind, open eyes, and open ears.
Welcome to the Board.
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Originally Posted by shaolin5 
I guess the main thing I did (and still do) is keep a pillow under her butt to keep her from feeling the affects of "rock bottom".
As a parent of a recovering addict, we paid our son's bail when a stint in jail would have done him much more good. The bail only delayed the inevitable--it didn't prevent it. Our son didn't magically come out of jail with the mindset of turning his life around. It only made it easier for him to keep doing what got him in jail in the first place.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 81
I sympathize with your entire situation. I lived it for 6 years.
My ex was an "intermittent" crack addict who would disapper some nights. Some nights it was an argument that would cause her to go, others I would wake up to the baby crying and her side of the bed empty. I never considered her a "crackhead" because it only happened like that. Once a month, maybe twice if things were stressful. There was a point where I surrendered and got used to it. It was part of who she was and I accepted it because I loved her.
I never married her, but we did have two children together. Some part of my brain said no to marriage. I suppose it was because I saw alot of my friends getting married and divorced during my time with her. I made it clear that marriage was off the table so long as she had her "nights." She was very upset about this but continued with her nights anyway.
Looking back, I had no clue what I was getting into. I had no idea what an addict was.
Suprisingly, one of the highest points in my life was when she called me out of the blue one day and told me I was going to be a Father. Most men in my situation would've ran for the hills but I stuck it out and even today still can't describe the amount of joy I felt knowing that I had created a life. At that point in time I was very naieve and only considered her an ex, not an addict.
We decided to have dinner one night that week, which is when things soured. Things were calm at first until she decided to lay down some truth for me. It turned out that being Dad was a toss up between me, her crack buddy or maybe her crack dealer. In addition to this she was living with a different crack buddy who wanted to be Dad. Imagine how I felt. Before this dinner I thought she only sniffed a little bit of coke now and then and maybe dabbled in crack every so often. When dinner was done I had four crack addicts to contend with.
That truth hurt real bad. People don't "dabble" with crack.
I'll spare you the insanity of those next few months, it wasn't pretty. I'll just say here that I won that lottery, and it was only my daughter and me left once the dust cleared.
After all of this, I should've learned my lesson. I had my daughter, my freedom and some sanity left. I suppose that's why everyone called me insane when I went back to this woman before she had addressed her addiction issues. During my time apart from her I failed to educate myself about addiction and everything that comes along with it. I was blinded by obligation, love and guilt over everything that had happened. I wanted what was best for everyone. Her being clean.
I took her into my home, still not fully understanding what an addict was and lived through 2 more years of hell because of this. I counted bottles, tallied crack nights and compiled an endless amount of information about how much she was hurting herself, me, the kids, our home. I have dealt with many half assed attempts at recovery, counseling, AA, NA, child protective services, you name it I've been there.
I learned what an addict was the hard way.
Eventually I couldn't take it any longer. She went out on one of her nights and when she came home I yanked that pillow out from under her a** and let her hit the floor hard. Her family picked her up but she's still badly bruised and sincerely working recovery because of this.
I kicked her out and left her for the sake of our children. Her behavior worsened (as addiction always does) to a point where I nearly lost my career, home and kids.
If you stay with her and she doesn't choose to handle her addiction issues, ON HER OWN, you and your son can loose everything.
My ex was an "intermittent" crack addict who would disapper some nights. Some nights it was an argument that would cause her to go, others I would wake up to the baby crying and her side of the bed empty. I never considered her a "crackhead" because it only happened like that. Once a month, maybe twice if things were stressful. There was a point where I surrendered and got used to it. It was part of who she was and I accepted it because I loved her.
I never married her, but we did have two children together. Some part of my brain said no to marriage. I suppose it was because I saw alot of my friends getting married and divorced during my time with her. I made it clear that marriage was off the table so long as she had her "nights." She was very upset about this but continued with her nights anyway.
Looking back, I had no clue what I was getting into. I had no idea what an addict was.
Suprisingly, one of the highest points in my life was when she called me out of the blue one day and told me I was going to be a Father. Most men in my situation would've ran for the hills but I stuck it out and even today still can't describe the amount of joy I felt knowing that I had created a life. At that point in time I was very naieve and only considered her an ex, not an addict.
We decided to have dinner one night that week, which is when things soured. Things were calm at first until she decided to lay down some truth for me. It turned out that being Dad was a toss up between me, her crack buddy or maybe her crack dealer. In addition to this she was living with a different crack buddy who wanted to be Dad. Imagine how I felt. Before this dinner I thought she only sniffed a little bit of coke now and then and maybe dabbled in crack every so often. When dinner was done I had four crack addicts to contend with.
That truth hurt real bad. People don't "dabble" with crack.
I'll spare you the insanity of those next few months, it wasn't pretty. I'll just say here that I won that lottery, and it was only my daughter and me left once the dust cleared.
After all of this, I should've learned my lesson. I had my daughter, my freedom and some sanity left. I suppose that's why everyone called me insane when I went back to this woman before she had addressed her addiction issues. During my time apart from her I failed to educate myself about addiction and everything that comes along with it. I was blinded by obligation, love and guilt over everything that had happened. I wanted what was best for everyone. Her being clean.
I took her into my home, still not fully understanding what an addict was and lived through 2 more years of hell because of this. I counted bottles, tallied crack nights and compiled an endless amount of information about how much she was hurting herself, me, the kids, our home. I have dealt with many half assed attempts at recovery, counseling, AA, NA, child protective services, you name it I've been there.
I learned what an addict was the hard way.
Eventually I couldn't take it any longer. She went out on one of her nights and when she came home I yanked that pillow out from under her a** and let her hit the floor hard. Her family picked her up but she's still badly bruised and sincerely working recovery because of this.
I kicked her out and left her for the sake of our children. Her behavior worsened (as addiction always does) to a point where I nearly lost my career, home and kids.
If you stay with her and she doesn't choose to handle her addiction issues, ON HER OWN, you and your son can loose everything.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Beckley wv
Posts: 26
Wow. DRC5426, a LOT of what you said makes sense, and sounds familiar.
Is it wrong of me that I spend so much time wondering of she has been faithful? It seems so shallow of me....all of these issues plus her demons to fight, and I keep wondering if she has been faithful.
My wife is also an alcoholic. She does things in such an off beat way. For instance, just last night I get off at 10:30pm. She texts me saying she is with my son at the store getting eggs. I'm like, "At 10:30 at night? On a school night? Are you insane?" Well, come to find out, she parked her car across the street from a convinience store, left my son in the car ALONE and went in to buy some kind of damn frozen margarita in a pouch stuff. I was livid!
But like I said she keeps doing things like that that don't make a lot of sense. I have been paying for us to see a marriage counselor, (who also has LOTS of experience with addiction counseling) I think I'm going to bring that kind of behavior up.
Man, I have been reading this site a BUNCH. I have read all of the stickies, but I am confused about what a co-dependent is. Can someone explain it to me like I'm a 3rd grader? Please?
Is it wrong of me that I spend so much time wondering of she has been faithful? It seems so shallow of me....all of these issues plus her demons to fight, and I keep wondering if she has been faithful.
My wife is also an alcoholic. She does things in such an off beat way. For instance, just last night I get off at 10:30pm. She texts me saying she is with my son at the store getting eggs. I'm like, "At 10:30 at night? On a school night? Are you insane?" Well, come to find out, she parked her car across the street from a convinience store, left my son in the car ALONE and went in to buy some kind of damn frozen margarita in a pouch stuff. I was livid!
But like I said she keeps doing things like that that don't make a lot of sense. I have been paying for us to see a marriage counselor, (who also has LOTS of experience with addiction counseling) I think I'm going to bring that kind of behavior up.
Man, I have been reading this site a BUNCH. I have read all of the stickies, but I am confused about what a co-dependent is. Can someone explain it to me like I'm a 3rd grader? Please?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Read cynical one's blogs, can be accessed at the top of this page. Lot's of information about codependency and other important issues. Also, get your hands on a book called
"Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie.
As for your wife, she has a disease that has no cure, she will be an addict all her life, it is just a matter of whether she is clean/sober and working a strong recovery program or not. Less than 10% of addicts recover for life.
The priorty must be minor children, they will be affected by her addiction, and will carry their childhood into adulthood. As an addict, she is not a fit mother or good relationship material. Not my rules, just how it works.
Keep posting, it will help.
"Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie.
As for your wife, she has a disease that has no cure, she will be an addict all her life, it is just a matter of whether she is clean/sober and working a strong recovery program or not. Less than 10% of addicts recover for life.
The priorty must be minor children, they will be affected by her addiction, and will carry their childhood into adulthood. As an addict, she is not a fit mother or good relationship material. Not my rules, just how it works.
Keep posting, it will help.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Alcohol is a drug and she is a drug addict. She is just doing what addicts do. Recovery will mean, no drugs which includes alcohol or pot. Also, there aren't too many crack addicts that use it once in a while.
IMO, I would forget marriage counseling and get individual therapy for you, And PROTECT your SON at all costs. She just showed you her priority! And Get yourself test for all STDs.
You can try and control the money and her all you want, it won't help. Addicts are for my creative then we could ever imagine. She will outsmart you at every turn. She has too, she needs to feed her addiction. No one can say whether she has been unfaithful or not, but anyone here will tell you - Drugs are here only love, her only obsession.
IMO, I would forget marriage counseling and get individual therapy for you, And PROTECT your SON at all costs. She just showed you her priority! And Get yourself test for all STDs.
You can try and control the money and her all you want, it won't help. Addicts are for my creative then we could ever imagine. She will outsmart you at every turn. She has too, she needs to feed her addiction. No one can say whether she has been unfaithful or not, but anyone here will tell you - Drugs are here only love, her only obsession.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I have read all of the stickies, but I am confused about what a co-dependent is. Can someone explain it to me like I'm a 3rd grader? Please?
1. A codependent lives based on what they HOPE not on what "is".
2. A codependent puts everyone else's needs ahead of their own.....and an addict is very needy.
3. A codependent will sacrifice their own mental, physical and spiritual well being to "help" the addict.
4. A codependent lives in denial.
5. A codependent will allow others they love (children) to be endangered or harmed (psychologically) by minimizing the actions and behaviors of the addict.
6. A codependent will stay and put up with more crap than anyone should because they believe they are powerful enough to "fix" it.
7. A codependent believes that love can fix anything.
8. A codependent believes that they can handle things better than anyone else (specifically the addict).
9. A codependent lives in fear. Fear that something bad will happen if they don't keep trying to fix things.
10. A codependent slips the pillow under the addict's butt because it relieves the codependent's anxiety.
11. A codependent is very worried about what other's think of them.
12. A codependent is very prone to caving in to manipulations (the addict uses Fear, Obligation and Guilt and we fall for it over and over and over again).
13. A codependent will keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.
14. A codependent can't tell where they leave off and the addict begins.
15. A codependent has trouble establishing and holding personal boundaries.
16. A codependent does things for others and often then resents them for not being appreciative or changing because of how much they've done for them.
17. A codependent has a very difficult time saying NO.
18. A codependent is often very manipulative themselves (fight fire with fire attitude).
19. A codependent minimizes their own participation and often view themselves as the victim.
20. A codependent is an addict of another color. They are addicted to the addict.
These are just a few of the characteristics of a codependent individual. We (I am a gold medal winning codependent--in recovery--and I have no problem admitting that) are often as sick or sicker than the addict. We can change ourselves and change the dynamic or we can continue to participate in the dance of addiction. There is an entire book written on codependence so this is an condensed list of just a few of our behaviors. Only you can decide if you are codependent.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Sorry to hear of your situation. My ex is a crack addict. He introduced me to it and I became heavily addicted to the stuff myself. It's hard as hell to quit. It takes years of dedication and focus to get that demon off your back. You have to work at it. I attended meetings. I had an online support group. I worked hard at quitting. It took a long time to figure out how to stay off the stuff. I had to change everything about my life.
Crack addiction is progressive. There is NO SUCH THING as casual use. Because it's more physiologically addictive than physically addictive, addicts can sometimes go a long time between use, but when they use it just takes one hit and you are off the rails. Crack addiction cannot be controlled. One hit is too many and one thousand hits is not enough. The only way to recover is to quit using. And that means for ever.
So, I hope you will read EVERYTHING you can find on this website and elsewhere. On crack addiction. On codependency. On boundaries. I hope you will take it all very seriously. Crack addiction is very serious. I hope you will protect your bank account and your belongs. And sorry to be blunt, but I hope you use protection (to protect yourself from STDs) and don't bring any children into this relationship.
All crack addicts care about is buying crack, smoking crack and getting money to buy more crack. And there is nothing you can do to stop it. That's just the way it is. That's the nature of the drug. You didn't cause her addiction. You can't control addiction. You can't cure her addiction. All you can do is set boundaries and protect yourself...
Unfortunately you are in for the worst nightmare of your life. You can expect more of what you've been getting and , unfortunately, you can expect it to get worse. When it comes to crack, there is no good news. to share and yes there is always hope. But you can't live on hope. You have to live in the reality of crack addiction which is devestating to families and loved ones. Sorry. That's my personal experience.
PS. PLEASE don't ever leave your son with her alone. Crack addicts cannot parent. Crack comes first. Children and their safety does not matter. People who are high on crack are dangerous. They are delusional. They may not admit it but they are.
Crack addiction is progressive. There is NO SUCH THING as casual use. Because it's more physiologically addictive than physically addictive, addicts can sometimes go a long time between use, but when they use it just takes one hit and you are off the rails. Crack addiction cannot be controlled. One hit is too many and one thousand hits is not enough. The only way to recover is to quit using. And that means for ever.
So, I hope you will read EVERYTHING you can find on this website and elsewhere. On crack addiction. On codependency. On boundaries. I hope you will take it all very seriously. Crack addiction is very serious. I hope you will protect your bank account and your belongs. And sorry to be blunt, but I hope you use protection (to protect yourself from STDs) and don't bring any children into this relationship.
All crack addicts care about is buying crack, smoking crack and getting money to buy more crack. And there is nothing you can do to stop it. That's just the way it is. That's the nature of the drug. You didn't cause her addiction. You can't control addiction. You can't cure her addiction. All you can do is set boundaries and protect yourself...
So, what am I in for? What can I expect from here on out?
PS. PLEASE don't ever leave your son with her alone. Crack addicts cannot parent. Crack comes first. Children and their safety does not matter. People who are high on crack are dangerous. They are delusional. They may not admit it but they are.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Beckley wv
Posts: 26
Ok, time to bare my soul.
After reading about co-dependency... Ok, I'm co-dependent. I First heard of this term 3 days ago, I still have a lot to learn about this.
I STILL am learning about what an addict is. The replies to my OP have really hit home. Thank you.
She traded my engagement ring for crack. One time, by reading the texts on her phone, I found out she had TRIED to, but whoever didn't reply. Several months later, she was successful.
A little about....we will just call her Amy. Amy is a LONG TIME addict. She has been on drugs since the mid eighties. She was a stripper for a long time, and is a MASTER manipulator. MASTER. So, my wife meets Amy when her Mother moves to the same neighborhood that Amy lives in. Amy is the first person my wife has ever done crack or cocaine with.
Amy has older men all over the east coast sending her money. "sugar daddy's" I guess. My wife, in one of our MANY discussions about Amy, tells me that Amy doesn't have sex with these guys, she just cons them. Somehow. Some way. My wife says that (after one of her all nighters) she could take Amy to a bar, wait outside and 15 minutes later, Amy could come out with $40, without doing ANYTHING sexual.
I tell you this because Amy is who my wife has learned from, who she has all of her "connections" through. My worst fear is that "Amy" is who my wife will become in 10 years. Amy has been arrested MANY MANY times. She has been to NA. She has been to rehab. She has been to jail. NOTHING phases her. She is an addict through and through, a walking-talking poster child of addiction. Manipulative to the CORE. A living con.
So....I know what I want my wife to NOT BE. She vows she does not want that life. She attends the meetings. 99.9% of the time she does the right thing. She always APPEARS to anyway. Look, I'm NOT trying to be ignorant here, or self deceptive but, if addiction is a PROGRESSIVE disease, then that insinuates growth, right? That would indicate to me that an addict is not "as addicted" after 3 years of use as they would be after 20 years of use, right? Just thinking out loud.....
So yeah, I am behind her 100%, but I have drawn lines in the sand. As much as I love her, she better not cross them. So far, this site has helped me understand where I need to be in MY life, as opposed to the reason why I came, to try to learn more about her.
Imagine that.
God BLESS you people here
After reading about co-dependency... Ok, I'm co-dependent. I First heard of this term 3 days ago, I still have a lot to learn about this.
I STILL am learning about what an addict is. The replies to my OP have really hit home. Thank you.
She traded my engagement ring for crack. One time, by reading the texts on her phone, I found out she had TRIED to, but whoever didn't reply. Several months later, she was successful.
A little about....we will just call her Amy. Amy is a LONG TIME addict. She has been on drugs since the mid eighties. She was a stripper for a long time, and is a MASTER manipulator. MASTER. So, my wife meets Amy when her Mother moves to the same neighborhood that Amy lives in. Amy is the first person my wife has ever done crack or cocaine with.
Amy has older men all over the east coast sending her money. "sugar daddy's" I guess. My wife, in one of our MANY discussions about Amy, tells me that Amy doesn't have sex with these guys, she just cons them. Somehow. Some way. My wife says that (after one of her all nighters) she could take Amy to a bar, wait outside and 15 minutes later, Amy could come out with $40, without doing ANYTHING sexual.
I tell you this because Amy is who my wife has learned from, who she has all of her "connections" through. My worst fear is that "Amy" is who my wife will become in 10 years. Amy has been arrested MANY MANY times. She has been to NA. She has been to rehab. She has been to jail. NOTHING phases her. She is an addict through and through, a walking-talking poster child of addiction. Manipulative to the CORE. A living con.
So....I know what I want my wife to NOT BE. She vows she does not want that life. She attends the meetings. 99.9% of the time she does the right thing. She always APPEARS to anyway. Look, I'm NOT trying to be ignorant here, or self deceptive but, if addiction is a PROGRESSIVE disease, then that insinuates growth, right? That would indicate to me that an addict is not "as addicted" after 3 years of use as they would be after 20 years of use, right? Just thinking out loud.....
So yeah, I am behind her 100%, but I have drawn lines in the sand. As much as I love her, she better not cross them. So far, this site has helped me understand where I need to be in MY life, as opposed to the reason why I came, to try to learn more about her.
Imagine that.
God BLESS you people here
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Concentrate on you for you are the only person you have any control over. As much as you want your wife to change, she has to want to change for herself. You, however, can very much change beginning right now.
Start addressing all your co-dependent behaviors and stop them. From all your reading have you narrowed down what you do that enables your wife? Are you making a plan to to stop doing what you have done in the past to enable her?
Your wife is not to be trusted. She is an addict with an addict's mindset. She is one of the two key persons influencing your son. What kind of lessons about character do you imagine he is picking up on? Is your wife the kind of woman you would choose for him? Protecting your son should be your priority.
Have you attended any Al-Anon type groups yet? Not AA, which is for the addict, but a group for family and friends of addicts/alcoholics. That would be an excellent step for you to take if you haven't. You will find support for yourself in such groups. Your life is far from ideal but you are not the only one who is living it. Many people have walked where you are now walking and can offer you encouragement and support.
Start addressing all your co-dependent behaviors and stop them. From all your reading have you narrowed down what you do that enables your wife? Are you making a plan to to stop doing what you have done in the past to enable her?
Your wife is not to be trusted. She is an addict with an addict's mindset. She is one of the two key persons influencing your son. What kind of lessons about character do you imagine he is picking up on? Is your wife the kind of woman you would choose for him? Protecting your son should be your priority.
Have you attended any Al-Anon type groups yet? Not AA, which is for the addict, but a group for family and friends of addicts/alcoholics. That would be an excellent step for you to take if you haven't. You will find support for yourself in such groups. Your life is far from ideal but you are not the only one who is living it. Many people have walked where you are now walking and can offer you encouragement and support.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Nothing in life remains constant, it either gets better or worse. Without a strong recovery program IMO she will not get better. That also applies to you, you are also sick, your codependency issues will esculate unless you hop on the recovery train.
In order for you both to be good responsibile parents, you both need to get healthy. If she doesn't come to the party, then so be it. A child would rather live with one responsible parent rather than to live in a toxic, drama filled home. The priorty must be the child, the focus must be shifted away from the addict and onto the child. You are your sons voice, your sons future.
In order for you both to be good responsibile parents, you both need to get healthy. If she doesn't come to the party, then so be it. A child would rather live with one responsible parent rather than to live in a toxic, drama filled home. The priorty must be the child, the focus must be shifted away from the addict and onto the child. You are your sons voice, your sons future.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
You know the truth. You see where your wife is headed. And brlieve me it won't take 10years to get there. Crack addiction progresses exponentially. She is going to do whatever she wants to do. What about you? What are you willing to do to protect yourself and your son. Ask yourself just what you are willing to put up with in a marriage and around your child. And make a plan to take care of yourself.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
