New and need help and advice

Old 12-17-2012, 05:46 AM
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New and need help and advice

Ok, just the facts.
My wife is an addict. We were married in August. We had lived together for a year before we were married. I knew she had a drug problem, but she had agreed to take counseling one day a week last summer and for a while, that seemed to do the trick. But she just changed tactics.
I HAD NO IDEA WHAT AN ADDICT REALLY WAS.
Of course we went through all of the normal cycles. She would use, I would lecture and threaten to leave her, she would make a bunch of promises she couldn't keep, I would forgive her, repeat, repeat, repeat.
Then one day I felt like I'd had enough. I told her it was either rehab or divorce. However a friend of mine (who's brother is a recovering addict) suggested NA meetings instead. I attended the first one with her and walked away somewhat optimistic. That was late October.
She has "messed up" twice since then. Right now she has about 10 days clean, but she has become close to her sponsor,(a TOUGH older lady) and another girl that has about a year. Lean. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Her addiction is to crack and cocaine. So, what am I in for? What can I expect from here on out?
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Old 12-17-2012, 05:52 AM
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Your post will probably get more responses in the friend's and family of substance abusers forum as this is F&F of alcoholics.

I will hold off giving you advice though I do think alcoholism/addiction is very similar in behavior there will be someone along who has had experience with cocaine and crack I have not.

I am sorry this is happening to you - this is a good place to be with lots of help.
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Old 12-17-2012, 06:03 AM
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Well, I suppose some more info is in order. When we first started dating, there was this older lady that my girlfriend would hang out with. She would tell me a bunch of lies (like, "I'm at my dads house, I'll be home at 6:30pm.) then I would start calling around 8 to see where she was, and she would not answer my calls or return any of my texts. She would stay gone ALL night long, then would start texting me at around 5 or 6 in the morning. Over time, she admitted her addiction to me.
This only happened once or twice a month. I thought she could control it and that she wasn't addicted because it "only" happened that way. The more I read and learn, the more I realize that is not so. She knows now she is an addict. So do I. Be ause of this cycle of lying, ignoring my calls, stealing money from me, and being irresponsible, I have ZERO trust in her. She can't keep a job. I won't trust her with money. If she says she needs gas in her car, I take the car and put gas in it. If she needs something from the store, I go out and get it.
My 5 year-old son loves her. He calls her "mommy", and his biological "mother" is COMPLETELY out of the picture . Things have been tough. I drive a school bus and work as a server at a local Olive Garden just to make ends meet. I am getting wore out.
One of the BIG doubts in my mind is her faithfulness in our relationship. There is a certain image that goes through my mind when I hear "crackhead", and I hope she has been faithful, but can't prove it. The fact is, all of the nights she has been gone, I don't know WHO she was with, WHERE she was at, or WHAT she was doing . I just don't know. The only persons word I have is from the same girl that has told me a thousand lies . I'm scared. This is a beautiful girl from an upper class family. It clashes SO much with the addiction she has. A REAL contradiction. I'm lost, folks. And I don't know what to do
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Old 12-17-2012, 06:34 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us. You are not alone! We understand the frustration of watching a loved one become consumed by their addiction.

I see that you went to an NA meeting with your wife. NA meetings are a good resource of support for HER, but what about YOU? Have you been able to locate Nar Anon (12 step recovery group for friends and family of Narcotics Users)? In some areas Nar Anon meetings are not available and Al Anon meetings are the next best thing!

When I first arrived here, I learned about the 3 C's of my husbands addiction:

I did not CAUSE it
I can not CONTROL it
I will not CURE it

It was some time later before I finally accepted how powerless I truly was over his addictions to alcohol and gambling.

Reading and posting here at SR have also helped me. Some of our stories are printed in the Sticky Posts at the top of this main forum page. I am always finding wisdom in those posts.

Here is one of my favorite Sticky Posts. The steps in this post helped me to find serenity while living with my loved ones active alcoholism:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 12-17-2012, 06:40 AM
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Well here is what I can tell you and as I said someone who has more experience in crack and cocaine will be along.

As far as what you are dealing with - you need to read, read, read about addiction and understand the totality of the disease. You have some huge misconceptions. "Beautiful girl from an upper class family....a real contradiction".

Addiction and alcoholism isn't choosy or picky - its face isn't a homeless person, or an unattractive person, or an uneducated person, or a person from a "bad" family. Its face is all people, from all walks of life, with all levels of education, from all types of families.

You will find a higher level of sex addiction and risky sexual behavior among crack/cocaine abusers.

I know you are struggling with this - but here is what you have written - you can't trust her, she can't keep a job, she disappears for the night, you think she has been unfaithful, and you know she is using, she is a liar and a thief.

The only positive thing I see written is that your son loves her. Lets think about that, she is an addict - and she is around your 5 year old son. ****DANGER***. Seriously, I don't care how much he loves her she is a crack addict. You need to remove your child as far away from this toxic person as you can possibly get him.

I know you are worn out, stay with her - and you will know exhaustion you never thought possible.

Stay on here, post often - Nar anon would be a great place for you to go to get help for yourself and help you understand what you are up against.

The three C's of addiction/alcoholism are:

You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it.
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Old 12-17-2012, 08:49 AM
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Welcome to SR. Crack is a tough nut to crack. Good luck on your journey. Tell her to stick and stay with NA. Logo
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