Stuck in a weird place
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: NSW
Posts: 29
Stuck in a weird place
It has been a while... A lot has happened since I last posted.
I haven't been going to meetings (it literally has been months) but even then, for me, I feel like I have been able to keep a relatively cool head and peaceful existence.
I have to say that I really appreciate the self-awareness the al-anon teachings have given me. Even without the meetings I really feel like I have carried everything that I have absorbed with me at the meetings through my everyday life and more and more I catch myself tearing myself down and giving myself anxiety over making small decisions.
One thing that I am struggling with at the moment is feeling like I have left my alcoholic (now alcoholic ex) "behind".
To give a backstory, up until a few weeks ago we had been together for 2 and a half years. He does not believe he is an alcoholic, but from what I have seen and experienced, I believe that he is. He is not a functioning alcoholic either, meaning that for the past year and a bit I have been supporting us. In the time we have been together we have "ended it" countless times.
Most recently he started to steal from me (cash, my credit card, my belongings to sell for cash, etc.). The first time he did it, it was a new bottom for him. He was actually so genuinely upset that he sought help on his own accord and was actually completely sober for the first time in what felt like well over a year. It may have only lasted a few weeks, but I loved every moment of being with this amazing, funny, kind, intelligent and loving man. It didn't last long as he was sent to a work conference and claimed that he did not drink but was "drugged"... and since then I feel like I can see him battling with himself and his addiction, more so day by day.
A few months ago I started to create REAL boundaries for myself - reasonable ones that I knew that I would be able to stick to. Some of these included, not giving him any money and not buying him cigarettes. Not letting him drive my car anywhere unless we are going somewhere together. No driving him to his dealer just so he can "pay him money he owes from before". If he called and asked me to come over and I felt like I could hear in his voice that he had been drinking, I would not see him. All of these thankfully I was able to stick to.
I started to reconnect with old friends and make new ones. If I wanted to go out and do something with my friends, I wouldn't let the fact that he would be home alone doing nothing stop me anymore.
At some point I stopped being angry at him for being this crazy alcoholic bong-head and just started to accept that I truly could not control or fix his addiction. It is weird, but I was at peace with it. I was fully ready to learn to accept his disease and continue to love him unconditionally and just be with him, accepting that he may be the way that he is forever.
Eventually, though, every ridiculous outburst and kick-back from him about these new boundaries I had set for myself started to put my own life in perspective. It culminated to one of the biggest fights we have had in recent times which happened around 3-4 weeks ago.
I picked him up to get some lunch and then to go shopping for a brand new food-processor. He hates shopping and is usually very vocal about it, but this time he wasn't complaining and we were genuinely (I felt) having a great afternoon together. When we got back in the car after lunch to go look at food processors he started to bug me about taking him to his dealer to pay him money that he owed him. I told him flat out no and that I had said this countless times - I don't like him using drugs, but if he is going to do them he can use his own money and find his own way to get them. He really started to kick off, calling me every bad name you could think of and when I dropped him at home, I went into his room and started collecting all of the things that I had lying around his room.
He tried to stop me, but eventually let me go telling me that I was a "c**t" and to "never f*****g come back". In the middle of all this ranting and raving he would still stop and say "so are you just going to drive me to my dealer now or what? I'm asking you nicely now..."... massive Jekyl and Hyde moments...
I only had about half my belongings with me but I went home and I haven't looked back since. And when I say "I haven't looked back since" I mean that I haven't fallen back into the "comfort" of being his girlfriend again.
We have spoken, but I know that for me it is over now. I told him flat out that I loved him so much, that he is a beautiful person and still one of my best friends, but that I felt like his addiction was ruining him. I told him that I didn't feel it was my place to tell him what to do, but I couldn't be his girlfriend if he was still drinking and doing drugs. He seemed to understand, and he said he wants to make his life better... I told him that I felt he should do it for himself, not for me.
Since then we have spoken a lot and we even went to the cricket together last Friday night. He still drinks.. right now he is in the phase I like to call "trying to prove he can drink without going to excess", which is what usually happens before things get really out of control... again. Regardless, I love the place that I am in personally and I love that for now he is still in my life. I love that we can still laugh together, but and despite how much better I am feeling about myself lately, I still can't shake that infinite sadness and guilt and feeling like I am "leaving him behind".
I understand intellectually that it is probably for the best for the both of us... and that the break up is still new... but still. I'm just happy that I am no longer beating myself up for feeling the way that I do. An important lesson that I learned is that it is okay to ride out my feelings and emotions sometimes instead of worrying so much about whether it is "right" or "wrong" to feel that way.
I think right now I am mourning the end of our relationship. I truly wanted to marry him - even though he is actively drinking and using drugs, he is still sweet, hilarious, smart and caring. We can talk for hours and laugh at the same stupid things... and what saddens me is that when he is sober, he is all of those wonderful things twentyfold.. but I have learned that now that I can't hold onto "what might be". I need to take care of myself PROPERLY.
Feels good to get that all out of my head... thanks for reading.
T
I haven't been going to meetings (it literally has been months) but even then, for me, I feel like I have been able to keep a relatively cool head and peaceful existence.
I have to say that I really appreciate the self-awareness the al-anon teachings have given me. Even without the meetings I really feel like I have carried everything that I have absorbed with me at the meetings through my everyday life and more and more I catch myself tearing myself down and giving myself anxiety over making small decisions.
One thing that I am struggling with at the moment is feeling like I have left my alcoholic (now alcoholic ex) "behind".
To give a backstory, up until a few weeks ago we had been together for 2 and a half years. He does not believe he is an alcoholic, but from what I have seen and experienced, I believe that he is. He is not a functioning alcoholic either, meaning that for the past year and a bit I have been supporting us. In the time we have been together we have "ended it" countless times.
Most recently he started to steal from me (cash, my credit card, my belongings to sell for cash, etc.). The first time he did it, it was a new bottom for him. He was actually so genuinely upset that he sought help on his own accord and was actually completely sober for the first time in what felt like well over a year. It may have only lasted a few weeks, but I loved every moment of being with this amazing, funny, kind, intelligent and loving man. It didn't last long as he was sent to a work conference and claimed that he did not drink but was "drugged"... and since then I feel like I can see him battling with himself and his addiction, more so day by day.
A few months ago I started to create REAL boundaries for myself - reasonable ones that I knew that I would be able to stick to. Some of these included, not giving him any money and not buying him cigarettes. Not letting him drive my car anywhere unless we are going somewhere together. No driving him to his dealer just so he can "pay him money he owes from before". If he called and asked me to come over and I felt like I could hear in his voice that he had been drinking, I would not see him. All of these thankfully I was able to stick to.
I started to reconnect with old friends and make new ones. If I wanted to go out and do something with my friends, I wouldn't let the fact that he would be home alone doing nothing stop me anymore.
At some point I stopped being angry at him for being this crazy alcoholic bong-head and just started to accept that I truly could not control or fix his addiction. It is weird, but I was at peace with it. I was fully ready to learn to accept his disease and continue to love him unconditionally and just be with him, accepting that he may be the way that he is forever.
Eventually, though, every ridiculous outburst and kick-back from him about these new boundaries I had set for myself started to put my own life in perspective. It culminated to one of the biggest fights we have had in recent times which happened around 3-4 weeks ago.
I picked him up to get some lunch and then to go shopping for a brand new food-processor. He hates shopping and is usually very vocal about it, but this time he wasn't complaining and we were genuinely (I felt) having a great afternoon together. When we got back in the car after lunch to go look at food processors he started to bug me about taking him to his dealer to pay him money that he owed him. I told him flat out no and that I had said this countless times - I don't like him using drugs, but if he is going to do them he can use his own money and find his own way to get them. He really started to kick off, calling me every bad name you could think of and when I dropped him at home, I went into his room and started collecting all of the things that I had lying around his room.
He tried to stop me, but eventually let me go telling me that I was a "c**t" and to "never f*****g come back". In the middle of all this ranting and raving he would still stop and say "so are you just going to drive me to my dealer now or what? I'm asking you nicely now..."... massive Jekyl and Hyde moments...
I only had about half my belongings with me but I went home and I haven't looked back since. And when I say "I haven't looked back since" I mean that I haven't fallen back into the "comfort" of being his girlfriend again.
We have spoken, but I know that for me it is over now. I told him flat out that I loved him so much, that he is a beautiful person and still one of my best friends, but that I felt like his addiction was ruining him. I told him that I didn't feel it was my place to tell him what to do, but I couldn't be his girlfriend if he was still drinking and doing drugs. He seemed to understand, and he said he wants to make his life better... I told him that I felt he should do it for himself, not for me.
Since then we have spoken a lot and we even went to the cricket together last Friday night. He still drinks.. right now he is in the phase I like to call "trying to prove he can drink without going to excess", which is what usually happens before things get really out of control... again. Regardless, I love the place that I am in personally and I love that for now he is still in my life. I love that we can still laugh together, but and despite how much better I am feeling about myself lately, I still can't shake that infinite sadness and guilt and feeling like I am "leaving him behind".
I understand intellectually that it is probably for the best for the both of us... and that the break up is still new... but still. I'm just happy that I am no longer beating myself up for feeling the way that I do. An important lesson that I learned is that it is okay to ride out my feelings and emotions sometimes instead of worrying so much about whether it is "right" or "wrong" to feel that way.
I think right now I am mourning the end of our relationship. I truly wanted to marry him - even though he is actively drinking and using drugs, he is still sweet, hilarious, smart and caring. We can talk for hours and laugh at the same stupid things... and what saddens me is that when he is sober, he is all of those wonderful things twentyfold.. but I have learned that now that I can't hold onto "what might be". I need to take care of myself PROPERLY.
Feels good to get that all out of my head... thanks for reading.
T
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